Honourable sweepers

A disgruntled council worker on being sacked recommended all road sweepers have the same pay and privileges as MPs. As the recommendation was hidden deep in the boring text of a report no one noticed and it was unanimously passed.

Junior council officials not questioning the report, implemented it fully.

Road sweepers were awarded £86,000 pay and expenses. Realising that they would only be employed for 5 years before re-election, the sweepers set about securing their future. Future pay would be as recommended by a pay review body, set up by the sweepers. There would be no upper limits to pay, and as the review body would be rewarded for how much they can get away with, a good pay deal would be guaranteed.

With no need to work, litter built up on the streets. The honourable sweepers spent their time at home claiming for expenses including meals, heating, lighting and all the latest gadgets for an office at home.

More litter built up on the streets and the council demanded action.

The Honourable sweepers now known as HS's decided to find out where the litter was coming from, and employed consultants,(claimed for under expenses). These consultants found a number of fast food establishments in the area, and were a major contributing factor. The HS's called a meeting with the food retailers. The food retailers listened to the concerns, and offered directorships of their companies with generous expenses to the HS's.

Litter continued to build up.

The council threatened the HS's either they remove the litter or? There was no or that the council could enforce, So the council appealed to the good side of the HS's. This worked, as vanity and self respect had replaced duty and hard work. The HS's employed sweepers, which they claimed for as unforeseen expenses.

The litter was at last being removed by Migrant workers, working for less than the minimum wage. Sadly it did not last as the people wanted to stop immigration. All migrant workers were arrested and deported, litter returned with vengeance.

The council employed a litter Czar. The Czar took his job seriously and classified litter into categorise of seriousness. For example chewing gum was a class A litter, Crisp packets class B because it could not be recycled. Failed lottery tickets were class D because they naturally decayed.

The HS's were offered a bonus for cleaning all class A ,B,and C class litter. The HS's were allowed to prosecute any one caught throwing litter, and fined severely. Any profit from prosecution was kept by the HS's. War on litter was launched. Litter was extremely profitable, and too good to stop completely. Sadly the amount of litter, far from diminishing had increased.

The council informed the Honourable sweepers that their contract would not be renewed, and they would not be elevated to the house of Lords unless litter actually reduced.

If the litter was reduced they may be rewarded with a new contract. During the negotiation the Honourable Sweepers promised to tackle the litter it they were first elevated to Right Honourable sweeper status. Which they reluctantly were.

The Right Honourable sweepers decided that sweeping was a pointless method of reducing litter as it still had to be disposed of. They found a company that made robotic vacuum cleaners. These robots operated day and night, patrolling designated areas, continually removing litter, and disposing of it. A contract was signed with the robot manufacturer, the cost being a new expense was claimed from the council.

These robots are in operation today, and use a vast amount of power. When all the robots return to base for recharging they can overload the national electricity grid and cause serious outages.


That is the root cause of the power cuts, not under investment over years of miss rule.

have a cautious Christmas

Have a cautious Christmas

make sure you don't slip

there is no hospital transport

for a broken hip

taxis are hospital transport

charging hundred pounds a trip




stay at home this Christmas

the safest thing to do

with hospitals full of COVID

and the latest strain of flu

only airport trains are running

to the Christmas getaway queue




energy is so expensive

with a hike in gas and oil

sprouts are served medium rare

with a ten hour boil

the presents follow fashion

of bobble hats and tin foil

Nightingasle

 

Nightingale hospitals remember them?

This is where the government hired venues that could not be use due to lockdown, from Tory donors, at inflated prices. The government then spent a stonking fortune equipping them, knowing there would never be the staff to operate them.

Eventually they were gutted and used as vaccination centres.

When found to be far too costly, refurbished and handed back to the Tory donor to run as entertainment venues.

All the expensive equipment scrapped.

The reason for this waste of taxes? Because China built and operated a huge hospital in 7 days. A Johnson vanity project.

Today hospitals can not discharge patients that have no after care. Residential homes have closed due to killing occupants by sending infected patients there. Insurance companies will not take the risk and homes can not operate without insurance. Homes will not take NHS patients.

We need convalescent hospitals like we use to have. Dare I say nightingale convalescent homes with staff!

I'm a numpty get me out of here.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to our first series of I'm a numpty get me out of here. The format is similar to another well known programme but we do not use celebrities or wannabees. We cater for the messed up going down hill weirdos, that think we owe them a living.




Our first contestant is Brian (not his real name). He donated £60 to Tory party funds and received a contract worth £500,000 for PPE. His company never stocked PPE knew anything about it, or set up for handling equipment. They bought the equipment for £200,000 off eBay with free postage. The profit went undeclared for tax. Brian will donate all his payments from I'm a Numpty, to a charity for reoffenders. His task tonight is to crawl through an ants nest. Don't you just love the sound of screaming.




Next up is Betty (not her real name). Betty helped to set up Track and Trace, charged three times the going rate for consultancy but a friend of Dido. Her payments will go towards numeracy disabled. The task on the card put your hand in a tub of leaches and leave for the duration of the show. Not much in the way of screaming but good visual effects as the skin tone pales.




The last contestant is Matt Hancock, this is his real name. He set up illegal contract procedures to assist his friends thus swindling the tax payer out of billions. Allegedly not accountable for risking lives of front line care workers with poor PPE, excessive working regimes and no backup. Did clap for NHS when film crews were about. Throws himself at every camera, and brought down by one he forgot was there. Known as the granny killer, decimated care homes, and crippled the NHS. His boss Boris Johnson knew how totally incompetent he was. His excuse for the excess deaths is sheer incompetence not corporate manslaughter. He will make a donation to a dyslexia charity, allegedly, and is championing their cause, even if they do not want to be tarred with his reputation.

The task on the card is to be lowered into a snake pit... Wait there has been a change of plan. Due to audience participation the audience want to choose the task. He is to be locked in a torture chamber with relatives of the dead that he was responsible for. They can use whatever they like and for as long as it takes, working day and night, in a robust, and dedicated way.

I'm sorry Matt I can't let you out, I can not open the door

Numpty employment agency

Overheard One side of a conversation




“Good morning Numpty employment agency Chiron speaking how can I help you?

You want us to find you a cabinet of Ministers, have you read our terms and conditions,

You have, good the payment will be upfront in either US Dollars or Euro's.

Sorry we do not accept pounds sterling at the moment.

I know you have loads of them but we do not take Roubles

when do you want the cabinet by? Within 24 hours, that will attract a premium and payment in USA Dollars only. Do you wish to continue?




Good I'll need a few details Name please. Sunak with a K, any other names you are known by?
Apart from backstabber do you have a first name? 

So Mr Rishi Sunak do you want your cabinet experience or fresh at the game , bearing in mind most MP's wont get out of bed for less than £90,000 and an MP's pay is £80,000. Experienced cabinet members will have collected some directorships of companies, advisers commissions and lobbying wages. Fresh MP's will not know these yet, and think a cabinet job is only £40,000 pay rise, so between one and ten, one being new to the job and ten highly corrupt. Seven, we can do a seven no problem.




Again one to ten, common-sense to blue sky thinking. Not quite sir we put Grease Mogg as away with the fairies, unless you want him in a cabinet? Quite agree best not, and another seven for you, would you take one with common sense? No problem , so on second thoughts its an eight for that.




One to ten, independent thinking, to do as they are told. That will be a nine for that then. I know we haven't asked you about loyalty as we are dealing with MP's. I am sure loyalty has to be earned, you have to give them something in return. We could do an appearance of loyalty if you wish. You want a ten for that, and why not!




One to Ten knowledge of the department, like a doctor running the NHS, One being highly proficient and ten just signing red boxes? A ten for, OK nine and a half don't want them too much out of their depth.






One to Ten, balance, black lesbian to white male heterosexual, seven for that




One to Ten, again on balance scientific to banking, a nine for that, and only if they got a degree for science but worked for finance.




One to Ten, empathy one feels the pain of the voters in hard times, to ten couldn't give a monkeys. Ten for that then




One to Ten, slogans to substance and a one for that




lastly Ministers without portfolio, those that you want in your cabinet as its too dangerous to leave them out sort of Chris Grayling type of thing, can't run a piss up but good in a party. No Grayling but you want Gavin Williamson, and Nadhim Zahawi, they know too much about past scandals to leave out.

Thank you for your custom a full list of the cabinet will be with your office in time for the six o'clock news.

Have a nice day, sorry some one on the other line, thank you again any time.




Kier nice to hear from you , and you want some clowns for a Halloween party, Scary or funny? Oh that's a pity we have just contracted out our scariest of clowns, they will be available in less than two years I should think, but not this Halloween. Thanks for calling

matter machine

Those masters of science

and technology

have produced a matter machine

so all matter is free




all matter can be collected

from the colectinary

a word used by GW Bush

in his dictionary




the replicators will be local

not more than a mile away

although everything is free

for being local you must pay




then there is a fee for insurance

against failure and disruption

what us all folks remember

and still call corruption




there is of course a tariff

it is what tariffs are for

politicians keeping control

to engage in trading war




there is customs and excise duty

a simple donation

you can't control smuggling

without this creation




there must be corporation tax

accountants all agree

to stimulate the slush fund

in tax havens over seas




there is a new matter tax, distribution tax

and local taxes where you 're at

royalties for the copyright

and not forgetting Vat




alas the idea is wound up

and the scientist gone to ground

for a wooden spoon you make for free

will now cost five thousand pound

Peter Principle: When People Get Promoted Into Maximum Incompetence

to the sunny uplands

  man wants to leave the swamp of austerity and travel to the promised sunny uplands. He goes to the transport companies for a good deal.

The green garage offers comfortable trainers, frequent comfort breaks, and protection against the weather. He wants to go faster!

At the Lib/Dem garage he is offered a donkey, with a pannier for his belongings, but no food for the donkey.

At the labour garage he is offered a horse and cart, with ample horse food on the cart, but the horse needs new shoes.

At the Tory garage he has choice. One clapped out car with the handbrake stuck. Needs frequent stops to cool the wheels.

Or

a newly painted racers, with no brakes, the accelerator stuck full on. And the steering wheel frozen.

The man opts for the fast car forgetting the road ahead is full of sharp turns and a sheer drop at one side

lying in state

In the back bar of the Queens Head, Auchernumpty, Hamish and Hugo McPhee were arguing about who cheated at dominoes. Both compulsive cheats, so they knew how the other did it.

The Landlord rang the last orders bell.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been told the Queen is dead. As a mark of respect this bar will close on time. There will be no after hours drinks today. Thank you.”

“You ken what that means, "said Hugo

“Aye” said Hamish. “Every copper for miles around will be guarding the coffin as it journeys to where ever. We will never get caught.”




The two brothers made plans for the burglaries they would commit. If they avoided the Royal procession, and kept rural, they could be rich men by the time the Queen was buried.




They decided to do the farms first. Most farms were well lit with cameras. One, off the beaten track, with poor lighting, and no cameras looked promising. They parked the white transit van and walk the short drive up to the croft of Dunbanking. The lights were on in the byre, but the house was in total darkness. They donned their Rangers scarf and Celtic Balaclava, a ruse to confuse witnesses.




The House was small and shabby. Light patches on the wall indicated objects once hung. There was no wide screen TV set top box or recorder. On the mantle piece was a book. Either side of the book , dust marks where objects once stood. The book was the stock register. They picked it up. The book which was full of yellow fallen stock movement forms. Under the book were porn tickets.

They shrugged returned the book, placed a fiver on the top and left. The crofter was worse off than they were, which seemed odd as they produced food.




No good doing crofters, they thought they would try some one professional. The teachers house was near by. Looking through the window they could see the teacher fast asleep at his desk. He was surrounded by homework to be marked. There was little furniture, the house was cold, the fridge empty. They put a fiver on the table and left.




Over the van radio they heard,” the coffin is solid oak with six gold handles draped in the Royal Standard.”

“do you think they are real gold handles” asked Hugo

“ Aye, bound to be.” said Hamish “She's no being burnt, so wont be plastic gold coloured, and they can afford it. It'll be on expenses.”

“What if we nicked a gold handle, “ said Hugo “No one would miss it, it being under the flag. The big boys in Glasgow would show some respect if we pulled it off.”

“Where's best place to nick it” said Hamish

“Not Edinburgh too many coppers. London will be hard to police, they will have to ship coppers from all over. They say they are coming from Cleveland police. With the Met police in charge and Cleveland police as back up, Its too good to miss. They set off for London.




St. Boris of cock-up and blunder, was sent to Westminster Hall due to staff shortage. He took up position at the listening post, a conduit of thoughts and prayers. He overheard one old lady say

“ I wish the Queen was still alive.” Many seemed to agree with her.

St Boris eager to prove his worth set about restoring the Queen. They did it with Lazarus to universal approval it seem a good way to redeem himself with those above.




The royal standard slipped off, as the coffin lid rose. The Queen hoped to greet her loyal subjects but the queue cleared faster than it formed.

“Don't just stand there, help me out this box.” said the Queen

The guard of soldiers helped her down.

“Is there anything her Majesty would like?” asked the guard.

“I'm a bit peckish.”

“Would Ma'am like her special sandwich?”

“Smoked Salmon , and cheese, and bring some biscuits.”

“Duchy Originals Ma'am.”

“Certainly not, Garden Cabin Biscuits or Stockans Oat cakes if they haven't got them. Make sure its Berwick Edge cheese.”

“I'm afraid Ma'am only Cornish cheese in the Palace now, Davidstow or nothing.”

“The staff have the Doddington Cheese , The Cuddy's Cave has not been started.” said the other guard.

“Wonderful, Cuddy's Cave will suit her Majesty.” said the Queen

“ Would her Majesty like a marmalade sandwich in the meantime?”

“certainly not , what gave you that idea!

So what has my son been up to while I was asleep?”




The guard and the Queen sat down and watched the videos of Charles signings and speeches. She was not amused.

Charles arrived.

“Charles, these videos I've been watching, don't do you service. For a start that thing with not enough room on the table. I would have dropped the hint that a bigger table would be required if the ink stand remained. The ink stand would have been removed. It would be their idea not your stroppy finickity, remember that. Now the incident with the pen, it will not do!

All you are ever asked to do is sign something, cut a ribbon, or draw a curtain. You must have at least two functioning pens on you at all times. If one makes a blot or a splatter, you can make a joke about oil spills unless it is with the Saudi's. Never use a red pen , its blots will look like blood stains, not popular with the kind of people we have to suck up to. Always ensure you have a roll of duck tape, a can of WD40, a hank of baler twine, an Opinel knife, and a jubilee clip on hand in case of an emergency.

Now follow me Charles and I want to show you how uncomfortable the coffin is.”

“God help us, said Charles under his breath, I wish it was as it was before.”

Charles was passing the lords conduit when he spoke and St. Boris gladly obliged.




The Body of the Queen lay in state for three more days before the funeral. The solid oak coffin with five gold handles was laid to rest in the vault with her Mother, Elizabeth the Queen Mother, the late King George IV, and her husband Prince Phillip.

delivery delivery delivery

In April the government responded to a £1000 hike in energy costs by paying poor families (those on fixed income like pensions and universal credit) a hand out to cover the cost. That money runs out in January. No rise in fixed incomes will be available until April. A funding Gap.

The government will try to fix the price of energy to £2,500 that is £1,500 more than was paid in March.

The Poor say the government does not understand their plight.

The Conservative Government refute this accusation and say they are delivering to the people.

Not many of the poor want poverty delivered so effectively

Cost of living crisis and fuel.

The UK government strategy for keeping the lights on has been competition . A number of small companies out bidding the big six for power and selling electricity cheaper. The Government encouraged shopping around, not building new power generation systems. The market will provide, not of concern to the Tax payer.




As the cost of fuel increased so did the failure of the small power companies. To safeguard consumers, Ofgen the government regulator had a capping system. No power company could charge above that rate. The rate was fixed yearly.




As companies went bust the price cap was thought to be the problem. It was decided that more frequent reviews were necessary, not to protect the consumer but safeguard profits of remaining companies.




In April the cap was raised by £1,000 plunging families and the economy into crisis.

Rishi Sunak the chancellor at the time devised a direct support system to help out. The maximum paid to those on universal credit. This replaced the £20 a week (£1,400 a year) the government took off them.




Now the cap is to double in cost. We have a new Prime Minister , What can she do?




The bosses of the big six call on the government. These bosses with eye watering pay and even more bonuses live an extravagant life on company expenses. They want protection.




If nothing is done the public will default on payment, all the companies will go bust, the lights will go out, and the streets will erupt in riot and violence. This is clearly not acceptable.




She could nationalise the power generation companies. This will save millions on bosses pay. Nationalise power companies are common in Europe. Tax payers money is used for the common good.




She could double the support to low income families, as done previously. When prices are high so is the support. As the fuel is more plentiful and prices fall so the hand outs can be reduced.




What she intends to do is support the power companies with loan guarantees, to the tune of £100bn.

The money will be clawed back by the power companies from increasing energy costs, above inflation for over 20 years. The tax payer takes the hit on the loan. The customer takes the hit on the energy costs, thus pays twice for the power. Prices will never go down even if fuel does. There is no incentive to build a green power generation system.




Some one will get a directorship when they leave office.




If this happened in any other country this government would call it corruption.

This government calls it Conservative values

They don't like demonstrations

They don't like demonstrations

bring laws for absolution

which causes a rebellious response

against the constitution

swift and draconian action

seems the best solution

but this angers the middle class

with a liberal contribution

which will cause an unchecked revolt

leading to revolution

and the chopping off of heads

of the financial institutions

Taxation

The Tory party of England is punishing Farmers, and reducing subsidies. It has come up with public money for public good. Now is the time to apply this to taxation.

Stonking profits hidden in offshore accounts is not fair or equitable. Tax should be flexible and for the common good, after all, that is its intention. Every company gets charges the same corporation tax at 20% , even struggling companies that do good.




For example Macdonald's. This company encourages a throw away society. Packaging can be found 10 miles from the store thrown in a hedgerow. They exploit the local community that has to pay for the clean up. A company that lets others clean up its mess gets large band taxation 50% plus. They can get a bit of relief if they can prove containers bought and containers recycled. They have to recycle not allowing a community to do it. If after a few years of trading and no change, then a hike in taxation.




Social network sites, don't you just love the adds and the inappropriate links to other sites to look at. They get many complaints of inappropriate sites and conduct but do little to protect clients. Every complaint should be a tax revenue stream the more complaints, the more tax. They would soon become compliant and serve customer needs not profit from scammers and abusers.




Energy companies, they hammer the poor, so hammer them. They will get relief for aid to poor households and ethical trading. Hit with high taxation they may feel trading in the UK is not that profitable, Good. Power transmission can be handed back to the UK government.




Transportation, rail is best and better in public hands. No subsidies for companies just fair taxation Maintaining unprofitable routes gets a bonus. Links between towns and cities not just London good,

everything into London and out again Bad.




Supermarkets: Food: local short food miles, good, bulk bought shipped to warehouse then shipped back out to where it was grown , bad, and taxed accordingly.




A good taxation system will encourage ethical standards and a benefit for all.

Leadership race last five

 

“Now political sport, Gary”

“Yes Huw we are at the hustings for the final laps of the leadership race. The contestants have picked their colours. Green and red obviously rejected, so the runners are in shades of Blue. There was a sinister Black but Priti Patel is out. So in dark blue Rishi mac sleaze face, In navy blue Liz Kinky boots, Royal blue Penny Boris with Boobs, Light blue Honest Tom and blue with Ukraine flag edging Kemi Badenoch.

The next hurdle was designed by the public. The runners will approach a hurdle and be thrown brown envelopes of £1000 to the left will be the old and pensioners to the right disabled and those in poverty, What will they do.

First at the hurdle is Rishi the lad. Nicely done grabbed wads of envelops in his right hand and flipped them into his back pocket. With his left hand he removed them and stashed the lot in an off shore account. I doubt if there will be a trail to follow.

Kemi has grabbed a handful saw people watching and handed them to a voter to dispose of as is best.

Liz has also grabbed handfuls stuffed them in her boots and strode off defiantly.

Penny saw the envelops and got her flunky to collect them, she will take a cut of the proceeds.

Tom walked past has no idea what a brown envelop is for, Should he be in politics?

At the end of this lap one more will be eliminated from the race. For some there is profit in this lap so far.

Now back to the studio to watch paint dry, Huw”

To the dogs

“and now time for sport, but not horse racing, I think we are going to the dogs, is that right Garry.”




“That's right Justin, normally we go racing from a well known venue but today we are at the dogs. The Westminster dog track. The main event is not run by well tuned greyhounds, but a motley pack of whippets.




Race goers will know how Big Dog cheated his way to being top dog. Well that was the past Big dog is down. Not brought down by the punters but by his motley pack of followers from the same kennel.




This race over a number of weeks will eventually bring forth a winner but it is not by racing but by manoeuvre. The race is in two parts , first is positioning the final race between two dogs is a straight run off. By far the most interesting part is the first part or manoeuvre.




Each dog runs around to get sponsors. Normally this is only eight backers. These backers are the bargaining chips.

The first round of the race each runner slags off the others. This is called the posture, shows what you are made of. At this stage no one is out to win only collect backers. The more backers you collect the more you have to bargain with to get a top job in the cabinet.




At the end of the first round the lowest backed dog has to withdraw, and this is where it gets interesting. The looser gets to choose a candidate they think will win and pledge their backers in support. This will ensure no new blood has a chance of winning, only ex cabinet members in the know and corrupt. The remaining candidates must know what job the defeated will accept. Its all bluff and promise.




After a number of run offs the field is left with two racers. Backers of the wrong candidate knows they have lost the chance of a job if they choose badly. This is where it gets brutal, nasty and ugly. For the punter it is pure blood sport.




Once down to two candidates it is up to the swivel eyed loonies to vote. The rhetoric and promises are bizarre. Remember the voters are not the general public but loyal Tory voters. So tough on crime anti Europe, down with Russia and China, bring back hanging, fill all potholes in the roads. and dual the A1 in Northumberland.




At the end is a winner, not the best person for the job, but some one that can accept favours, corrupt , and will promise to lower taxes on the super rich.

They will do as the bankers demand, pander to the press barons, reward donors with titles and privileges. They will then tax and punish the poor and sick. We are all in this together whatever the emergency.

They will stay in office until the general election where they will bribe the voters, promise the world and get the sponsors and press to destroy the opposition with propaganda and spin.




So Justin an interesting few years at the dogs, over to you in the studio.”

he will level up

 

He will level up

get more nurse today

fix the broken health service

but not give extra pay




get the trains running

all on time and clean

give a good start to babies

in a land so vibrant green




will help the struggling farmer

so hard to compete

will promise loads of money

to try and keep his seat




emergency services rewarded

struggling short of staff

will make them more efficient

with pie charts and graph




a leader of the people

doing what is right

cutting 10 percent of staff

to prove Brexit was right

A banker

A banker with his squillions

in his favourite spot

sipping champers with his friends

on his private yacht

showing off his art collection

and antiques that he's got




his money is traded during the day

and at night will accrue

by sacking his employees

and closing branches near to you

nothing mean or personal

it's just what bankers do




he pays for politicians

to Davos he will go

tell them to keep him rich

and prosperity will flow

unlike the jungles and rainforest

polluted and will not grow




even though incompetent

and motivated by greed

he is what we aspire to

a example of what we need

sacked still has a large pension

the bailed out bank has agreed

Big Brother universal credit

Welcome to Big brother universal credit.

Following unpopular poll ratings Government Ministers have agreed to spend a month on universal credit in the big brother house. Each minister has been given £10 on the electric metre and new electrical gadgets unlike what normal universal credit claimants start with. To help out with advice is Alice. She has been on universal credit since the lockdown. She was an office cleaner but has found it difficult to find a functioning office to work in


The Ministers are settling in, unpacking and ready to start the trial.

That's Boris out of power, he tried to charge his phone. That will cost him dearly with the electric metre on the wall. Electricity is more expensive for the poor, than the rich that pay direct Debit.


Gove has unpacked and has all his clothes on the bed. He must have done this before as a student. Extra clothes on the bed can reduce heating costs. Oh no. He has put the clothes away, silly move.


Priti Patel has unpacker her laptop plugged it in and settling down to do some snooping. She too is out of power and gone out to find a cheap café. Good luck with that.



Anne Marie Trevelyan, not use to living in one house has gone out. As Trade Secretary she hopes to get a good bribe or a free meal. She really is that cheap, and blatant.



Rishi Sunak has unpacked, checked the cupboards and found no sugar. Gone to borrow a cup at the cost 3 cups for every cup borrowed. If he fails to repay the cost goes up and the heavies pop round. In the Big Brother house you can't get interest free credit or access to a bank or credit card.




Dominic Raab, proving to be one of the lads will cook from scratch vegetables and cheap fatty meat.
Clever lad he has made enough for the week, but the fridge is out of power and it will be off by the morning. No affordable freezers in the big Brother house.

Liz Truss has become accustom to high living on expenses, has gone to dine out with a friend. She was handed a bill. Never had one of them before. She is spending the next two days in A&E, where she will receive cheap unhealthy food, supplied by a contractor that bought her a swanky meal in good times 


Alice has returned home after spending the afternoon on the circular line reading a book. Her evening meal is white bread, lard and jam. The lard is kept fresh in a bucket of water instead of using the fridge. She has changed into her night wear. Of two pairs of pyjamas and gone to bed. The bed is loaded with coats and clothing. She uses the last rays of sunlight to read her library book. No one has spoken to her.




Night night all

leveling up trickle down

Those financial government backers

that believe in choice

they can now afford

a brand new Rolls Royce

those that make the Rolls Royce

the finest British car

they can now afford

a brand new Jaguar

those that build the Jaguar

with parts from abroad

working loads of overtime

they can buy a Ford

those that build the the ford

that promise not to strike

they can get around

on a ten gear bike

those that build the bikes

wear posh trainers on there feet

so they can run faster

than muggers they may meet

porn?

 

Looking at the silver screen

pleasure to unfold

the beauty all in yellow

has been booked and sold

a handful symmetrical shaped

for handling in the dark

deep inside a crevice

for the passion to spark

arms alluring and delicate

hidden power there

uncovered and shining

naked and bare

yet sensitive to a gentle touch

of the manipulator

nothing but tractor porn

of a Combine Dominator

off to Rwanda

We don't want people coming here

so we make a queue

then pack them off to Rwanda

such a conservative thing to do




we will fund Rwanda

build factories for the poor

with slave labour refugees

profits and bonuses  soar




there will be no single men

trying to reach our sacred ground

it will be whole families and children

that in the Channel drown

Blind trust!

When a rich Member of parliament enters the government all his business dealings are placed in a blind trust, so he will not be swayed or corrupted.

Most blind trusts are hedge funds. Hedge funds love wars, shortages, oil, gas, power generation, and off shore tax havens. Any investment that can make them rich.

for example.

The O2 Arena. During lockdown can not generate income, but as a Nightingale hospital that is never used and funded by government (NHS budget) it can generate £2M in rent (nice one Jacob).




I do not want the corrupt MP that made a stonking illegal fortune at the expense of others to loose out. I want them to prosper, not to be disadvantaged by loyal service.




What I propose is that all the MPs income and investments, should be used to buy government 4 year bonds. They will get a fixed rate of interest. The country will benefit, and more to the point any decisions made by government will be in the best interest of a peaceful country.




Worth putting to a vote?

marching feet

Tip tap marching feet

Russian soldiers on the street

will shoot any one they meet

will not countenance defeat




quick look round the bend

loyal patriot will defend

constant shelling will never end

a terror too hard to comprehend




glasses toasted vodka drink

working out what others think

in defence they will never shrink

to bring world war to the brink

Oleg

“Who is it”. said the President

The orderly entered,” Oleg Ponchenksy says he has a meeting with the president, and he thinks it is urgent” the orderly said

“Show him in” said the President

“Mr President you want me?” said Oleg

“come in dear boy, you know the boys here, Sergei Lavrov, Sergey Shoygu, and the rest, come in sit down, make your self at home, we have a job for you.” said Putin

“But I know nothing of war and fighting I am in advertising, Mr president.”

“Call me Vlad, all my friends call me Vlad, both of you.” said Putin waving his finger “ what I want from you is that American thing, that Sky blue thinking stuff. You would not believe that some peoples think I am loopy for invading Ukraine. “ He laughed They all had to laugh




“This invasion, not an invasion, internal problem, special internal problem that need special military solution. Not a problem for us, but Yankees and and Western floozies make big noise. Peoples get killed, peoples die anyway, just a bit sooner, what's the problem, I say. What I want is good news story. Some soft pinkie thing for foreign press. Something to show we the good guys.




“ Can I ask some questions, just to get some ideas where to come from.” said Oleg

“Ok fire away, we play press briefing, like Yankees, ask question.”

“Ukraine is part of Russian federation?”

“Yes and no, Yes, it should be , No, not at present.”

“Ukraine wants to be part of the Federation?”

“Yes and No, Yes our troops in the East of Ukraine and Crimea want to go home for holiday. No the others are home in Ukraine not want to go anywhere.”

“ Russia wants a peaceful solution?”

Yes and No, Those that are dead are at peace, and we will let them be at peace. The others want to be at peace, but not the same way, we want them to be at peace.”

“You will not target civilians?”

“Yes and No. Most women and children have left, the rest want to be at peace, we help them along the way. All men want to fight and are killers, must have special measure in Gulag or find peace.”

“You will supply humanitarian aid to the victims?”

“Yes and No. Our troops starving, can not give food, but would if they had some.”

“Russia will abide by international rules of war?”

“Yes and No. We will follow the rules of war when there is one. This is Special military measure not war, we follow our own rules.”

“We will not use banned weapons of war?”

“Yes and No. You are not listening Oleg this is not a war, if we go to war we follow rules. This is special measures. We want peace. Now enough questions we have work to do. Go make up some thing for damn Yankees.”




Oleg left. A few minutes later a bang was heard. Oleg was slumped over a desk, shot in the head. Underneath his body the words I want Peace.

A title for Boris

The cabinet had a meeting to discuss a title for Boris.

“Why don't we list all his achievements.” said Truss

“Too short a list.” said the Chairman

“Why don't we list what we will be remembered by” said Nadine Dorries

“ It will seem a bit too much like Nuremberg”. Said the cabinet secretary

“Well why don't we have a poll from the public what they think he should be called” said Shap

“Lord numpty mac numptyface will probably be the reply.” said the cabinet secretary.

“I know.” said the Gove “We all think of appropriate titles mix up the words like a slogan generator and see what comes out.”

The cabinet secretary read some of the words. “friend ,loyal, devoted, admirable, leader, defender of the poor, handsome.” I suspect that was yours Nadine” said the secretary.

The under secretary entered the room with a list.

“This list is what the public think of Boris, I will only read the less toxic responses .” said the secretary.

“Liar, cheat, sleaze ball, corrupt, villainous, murderer. Incompetent, egotistic, narcissistic, adulterer, ditherer, I think we get the drift.”




“So lord Numpty Mac Numptyface it is.” said the secretary

this valentine

I bought my love an opinel knife

and some baler twine

It's what a crofter always needs

so thought it should be fine

on old feed sacks drew some hearts

the colour looked divine

so I thought I was prepared

to impress this valentine

Her response was less than expected

and her language unrefined

investiture 2022

 

“Investiture list ma'am”

“Oh goody , I think I know some of these. I'll do this one ,this and this. Who?”

“Singer, modern.”

“William can do that one. This one.?”

“Environmentalist.”

“Charles can do that one”

“Scientist, that one did something with a vaccine as did the next two.”

“Charles can do them. This one ?”

“charitable works, ran a long way, also plays sport.”

“What sport?”

“One of the rugby's ma'am”

“Charles. And these two?”

“Finance, service to the Nation.”

“What service?”

“Wallpaper and carpets, Downing Street”

“Can't we let Harry do them?”

turning up the heat

There is global warming

but we still turn up the heat

melting the ice caps

flooding soil beneath our feet

and in soil is where we grow things

all the things we like to eat

warring fractions find shortage of land

is why they must compete

you can't eat a facebook like

there's no delicious twitter tweet

on the way to Melrose

On the way to Melrose

passing through intensive care

all staff in cheap flimsy aprons

and plain surgical masks to wear

a virus spreading rapidly

for everyone to share




in Downing Street they don't give a shit

beyond the media glare

a Rose garden party

of the corrupting millionaire

there was champagne and nibbles

and some fancy party fare




Now the press are angry

backbenchers in despair

heading for local defeats

loosing councillors everywhere

official line posted on social media

to watch again, like, and share

love the boys

 

They love the boys in the orphanage

they love them far too well

they love them more if they acquiesce

not so much if they yell

there will be gifts in abundance

if they promise not to tell

dynamic duo

One of the riches men in Britain

is responsible for tax

when coming to tax the rich

the rules are incredibly lax

any form of criticism

are just envious attacks




next door is the journalist

that loves a liquid lunch

parties in the garden

with like thinking bunch

too pissed to read a memo

or numbers to crunch




so they go to the pub

like the common man

bang elbows with the piss heads

with a short attention span

leave public safety in their good hands

the pandemic strategic plan

told a white lie

So he told a white lie

does anyone really care

we still have the rule of law

and justice is still fair

if you have the assets

of a media billionaire




there is talk of treason

they even talk of plot

just jealousy of the rich

by couch potato have nots

all public institutions

carved up in bidding lots




a crack down on the BBC

the Guardian in the dock

a censor on unwelcome news

no secrets to unlock

propaganda dressed up as news

transmitted round the clock




there is a blame that's needed

for those devils overseas

that limit our export licences

and restrict our bankers greed

throw up the iron curtain

intensify the unease




Boris is a blundering fool

a bit of harmless fun

more calculating miscreants

have noted how its done

the police will have new masters

when there is no place to run

no Burns night

There is a Burns night for the Scots

for reciting poetry

but nothing in the land of poets

across the Irish sea




there is no celebration

there are no special dates

no reciting any works

of William Butler Yates




No Sheamus Heaney day

No Kavanagh or Thomas Moore

no toasting the humble spud

the staple of the poor




no wise cracks of Oscar Wilde

written on a card

nothing of Samuel Beckett

a playwright and Bard




no words of Evan Bolland

Montague or Russell

Cecil Day Lewis gets a miss

no lyricism muscle




there is no passing of the Bushmills

no gastronomic treat

gathered round a fire

of kindling and peat

working day and night in number 10

New draft legislation

more complicated than you think

almost half an hour of working

we need another drink




It's just the NHS

that seems to be at stake

all the words seem blurred

I'll try again when I'm awake




working day and night

blue sky thinking to explore

locked in our tiny office

with Vodka delivered to the door

Urine extraction

At the start of the pandemic when testing was expensive and infrequent, Northumbria water found a way to detect Covid 19 in sewage. This was promising, but needed work and investment. The water company could identify which sewage plant had the infection but could not pin it down to a district, street, house, or even a person.




A trial urine sampling system was urgently needed. A suggestion was made that a urine extraction system could be developed to test urine in key locations but it would need to be trialled, and also a blind trial to run concurrently, but how and on whom.




Fit young persons would be preferable so they looked at universities. It is true that students would do anything for a bob or two, but being kept on campus to pass urine for examination, for no reward would not go down well. Being stuck on campus had already proved to be unpopular.




It was at this stage that the Prime Minister intervened. He recommended the trial should be conducted on the Government, and Government staff. If no one was told it could be a blind, and an active test. The government also had a range of age groups so the results would reflect the general population better. Once they agreed that the Government should be the guinea pig, there was a need for utmost secrecy. All government employees had signed the official secrets act.




In the basement of Downing street a urine extraction system and testing laboratory was constructed. This was done under the pretext of a redecoration. All sewage ran through the testing site. The amount of sewage became a concern as it barely covered the minimum amount required. They needed to increase the flow, a greater need to extract the urine




It was suggested that coffee, and tea were a mild diuretic if given free, and at a good quality it would reduce staff using flasks of water. The urine increased but not sufficiently. Alcohol would be better but not too much and not all the time.




A number of work related social gatherings were organised. To ensure secrecy the events took place in the rose garden, a site renowned for the passing of bullshit. If wet the new conference centre could be used. This improved the urine extraction considerably.




Evaluation of the testing material was well underway when there was a leak (excuse the pun). The public became aware of the urine extraction events, held behind closed doors and there was outrage.




The prime Minister tried distraction, It didn't work.

He tried blaming the media. It didn't work

He tried being sorry, forget it and move on. It didn't work




He could not raise false expectations so set up an enquiry by Sue Gray to smooth things over. Sue would give the details of her findings to the PM. The PM would obviously tell her where to look, and where not to. Sue Gray being appointed to the task will not be able to return to her job after the report so must be elevated to the house of lords.




There is the nub. What can she be called. A straw poll of the Clapham omnibus indicated the public wanted her called Lady Gray of sleazy Mac Sleaze face. This clearly will not do. Other suggestions are Dame Sue Tundish Gray of Twyford, Dame Sue catheter Gray of Armitage Shanks, Lady Lapee Gray and Madame Duchamp ( a suggestion from the arts council). All of which make sleazy mac sleaze face attractive. The decision is of course left with Sue Gray, as in all matter she will have the last word.

what did you do

“And what did you do” asked the queen

to the petite bourgeoisie

“I do favours for the rich

and honours they owe me”

“and do you pay your taxes

to the government of her majesty”

“My money funds much better things

like your platinum jubilee”

“so how much did they charge you

for your well earned marquis ?”

Corona virus what do we know?

A species jumper, from bats to pangolin, to pigs to humans. Also highly infectious to cats.

First discovered in China, a virus of concern because like other viruses it mutates on each new transmission, and has the ability to defeat the human defence mechanism.

It affects the respiratory tract, also the digestive tract making the symptoms variable

Tests are available to detect for infection

Some vaccines have been developed with a variety of efficacies

The dominant strain in the UK is the Omicron variant, a highly infectious strain that is possibly less fatal than previous strains.

The advice from the World health Organisation is test test test. Try to isolate, to avoid transmission.

Vaccinate to assist in preventing transmission. It is not over until it is controlled everywhere. The more people infected the more mutations. No one country is safe until all countries are safe. This is a pandemic, it is not over yet

In the UK we have a government that the population no longer believe.

They blame the scientific advisors, and do not heed the advice in time.

Hospitality, that is not tax payer funded, is more important than the health service, that is.

The elite and young believe they are immune.

3 vaccinations are believed to be effective. The vaccines have an efficacy of between 30% to 90% depending on who told you. In general 60 to 70 % is believed to be effective against most viruses.

This means between 25 to 30 million people are recipients for a mutating virus in the UK.

We are not testing tourist before they leave the departure point. Tourists are not quarantined , but told they must Isolate until they have tested negative for 7 days. In which time they travelled from Air port or ferry port, freely mixing with the population until they reach their destination. They are not tested for a new variant.

In the meantime we have religious fundamentalist that are anti vaccination. They are bold and aggressive , maliciously targeting health campaigners and celebrities.

Government backbenchers are anti mask wearing.

Government backbenchers are anti vaccination.

Government backbenchers are pro business.

Government backbenchers are against public services and want free enterprise in all things. They want more denationalisation, including the NHS

We have Boris Johnson as Prime Minister and a cabinet of Brexiteers

What do you think 2022 will bring?

no longer no comment

no comment is the staunch reply

by a criminal at interview

when presented with the evidence

good police work pursued

but jack the lad was cocky

had seen a blundering fool

say no rules were broken

lying like it was true

followed all the guideline

at all times no broken rules

jack said he was innocent

like that wag at public school

disquiet backbenchers

 

There is disquiet on the back benches

as the cracks begin to show

with the progressive inertia

discontent will grow

the knives are being sharpened

Boris will have to go




the cabinet of incompetents

are trying to find some space

get one over the others

in a leadership race

proving they are not from the swamp

not tinted by disgrace




Truss the likely successor

has a meal for free

with bubbly the finest wine

from a Tory devotee

leaving the taxpayer

paying for the spree




Shap the rank incompetent

thinks he sees a chance

although travel restrictions imposed

led travels a merry dance

when his actions are ever questioned

he can always blame France




Anne Marie (three homes) Trevelyan

a novice at the game

loyalty to hapless Boris

a constant source of shame

thinks she'll strike out at Gove

the easiest to blame




the Gove becoming reticent

keeping out of sight

once the darling of the left

now darling of the right

dirty is always honourable

when it comes to a fight




Sunak of the purse strings

an incompetent buffoon

taxing the poor to death

the rich may get taxed soon

will promise money in the morn

and snatch back by afternoon




the backbenches ponder

on who may compete

who can snatch victory

from inglorious defeat

and who can they blame

for the loosing of their seat

happy New year

 

The rich toast in the New year

in unbuttoned designer suits

slopping the cheap champagne

in goblets and the flute

praising the growth of profit

the noblest of pursuit




the poor to bed go early

power saving need

a choice between a greedy meter

or a family to feed

around them conspicuous consumption

extolling the good in greed




health care staff are broken

extra workload to endure

salvation army roam the streets

but hand outs not a cure

believing in Gods ministry

so simple and so pure




the poor are more impoverished

the sick have no bed

masks are an abomination

thick politicians said

abomination is the greed of few

that wish so many dead




Happy new year you gentle folk

let nothing you dismay

there will be a heaven

administering preachers pray

and you will be done to in heaven

as you are done to today