lying in state

In the back bar of the Queens Head, Auchernumpty, Hamish and Hugo McPhee were arguing about who cheated at dominoes. Both compulsive cheats, so they knew how the other did it.

The Landlord rang the last orders bell.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been told the Queen is dead. As a mark of respect this bar will close on time. There will be no after hours drinks today. Thank you.”

“You ken what that means, "said Hugo

“Aye” said Hamish. “Every copper for miles around will be guarding the coffin as it journeys to where ever. We will never get caught.”




The two brothers made plans for the burglaries they would commit. If they avoided the Royal procession, and kept rural, they could be rich men by the time the Queen was buried.




They decided to do the farms first. Most farms were well lit with cameras. One, off the beaten track, with poor lighting, and no cameras looked promising. They parked the white transit van and walk the short drive up to the croft of Dunbanking. The lights were on in the byre, but the house was in total darkness. They donned their Rangers scarf and Celtic Balaclava, a ruse to confuse witnesses.




The House was small and shabby. Light patches on the wall indicated objects once hung. There was no wide screen TV set top box or recorder. On the mantle piece was a book. Either side of the book , dust marks where objects once stood. The book was the stock register. They picked it up. The book which was full of yellow fallen stock movement forms. Under the book were porn tickets.

They shrugged returned the book, placed a fiver on the top and left. The crofter was worse off than they were, which seemed odd as they produced food.




No good doing crofters, they thought they would try some one professional. The teachers house was near by. Looking through the window they could see the teacher fast asleep at his desk. He was surrounded by homework to be marked. There was little furniture, the house was cold, the fridge empty. They put a fiver on the table and left.




Over the van radio they heard,” the coffin is solid oak with six gold handles draped in the Royal Standard.”

“do you think they are real gold handles” asked Hugo

“ Aye, bound to be.” said Hamish “She's no being burnt, so wont be plastic gold coloured, and they can afford it. It'll be on expenses.”

“What if we nicked a gold handle, “ said Hugo “No one would miss it, it being under the flag. The big boys in Glasgow would show some respect if we pulled it off.”

“Where's best place to nick it” said Hamish

“Not Edinburgh too many coppers. London will be hard to police, they will have to ship coppers from all over. They say they are coming from Cleveland police. With the Met police in charge and Cleveland police as back up, Its too good to miss. They set off for London.




St. Boris of cock-up and blunder, was sent to Westminster Hall due to staff shortage. He took up position at the listening post, a conduit of thoughts and prayers. He overheard one old lady say

“ I wish the Queen was still alive.” Many seemed to agree with her.

St Boris eager to prove his worth set about restoring the Queen. They did it with Lazarus to universal approval it seem a good way to redeem himself with those above.




The royal standard slipped off, as the coffin lid rose. The Queen hoped to greet her loyal subjects but the queue cleared faster than it formed.

“Don't just stand there, help me out this box.” said the Queen

The guard of soldiers helped her down.

“Is there anything her Majesty would like?” asked the guard.

“I'm a bit peckish.”

“Would Ma'am like her special sandwich?”

“Smoked Salmon , and cheese, and bring some biscuits.”

“Duchy Originals Ma'am.”

“Certainly not, Garden Cabin Biscuits or Stockans Oat cakes if they haven't got them. Make sure its Berwick Edge cheese.”

“I'm afraid Ma'am only Cornish cheese in the Palace now, Davidstow or nothing.”

“The staff have the Doddington Cheese , The Cuddy's Cave has not been started.” said the other guard.

“Wonderful, Cuddy's Cave will suit her Majesty.” said the Queen

“ Would her Majesty like a marmalade sandwich in the meantime?”

“certainly not , what gave you that idea!

So what has my son been up to while I was asleep?”




The guard and the Queen sat down and watched the videos of Charles signings and speeches. She was not amused.

Charles arrived.

“Charles, these videos I've been watching, don't do you service. For a start that thing with not enough room on the table. I would have dropped the hint that a bigger table would be required if the ink stand remained. The ink stand would have been removed. It would be their idea not your stroppy finickity, remember that. Now the incident with the pen, it will not do!

All you are ever asked to do is sign something, cut a ribbon, or draw a curtain. You must have at least two functioning pens on you at all times. If one makes a blot or a splatter, you can make a joke about oil spills unless it is with the Saudi's. Never use a red pen , its blots will look like blood stains, not popular with the kind of people we have to suck up to. Always ensure you have a roll of duck tape, a can of WD40, a hank of baler twine, an Opinel knife, and a jubilee clip on hand in case of an emergency.

Now follow me Charles and I want to show you how uncomfortable the coffin is.”

“God help us, said Charles under his breath, I wish it was as it was before.”

Charles was passing the lords conduit when he spoke and St. Boris gladly obliged.




The Body of the Queen lay in state for three more days before the funeral. The solid oak coffin with five gold handles was laid to rest in the vault with her Mother, Elizabeth the Queen Mother, the late King George IV, and her husband Prince Phillip.