I'm a numpty get me out of here.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to our first series of I'm a numpty get me out of here. The format is similar to another well known programme but we do not use celebrities or wannabees. We cater for the messed up going down hill weirdos, that think we owe them a living.




Our first contestant is Brian (not his real name). He donated £60 to Tory party funds and received a contract worth £500,000 for PPE. His company never stocked PPE knew anything about it, or set up for handling equipment. They bought the equipment for £200,000 off eBay with free postage. The profit went undeclared for tax. Brian will donate all his payments from I'm a Numpty, to a charity for reoffenders. His task tonight is to crawl through an ants nest. Don't you just love the sound of screaming.




Next up is Betty (not her real name). Betty helped to set up Track and Trace, charged three times the going rate for consultancy but a friend of Dido. Her payments will go towards numeracy disabled. The task on the card put your hand in a tub of leaches and leave for the duration of the show. Not much in the way of screaming but good visual effects as the skin tone pales.




The last contestant is Matt Hancock, this is his real name. He set up illegal contract procedures to assist his friends thus swindling the tax payer out of billions. Allegedly not accountable for risking lives of front line care workers with poor PPE, excessive working regimes and no backup. Did clap for NHS when film crews were about. Throws himself at every camera, and brought down by one he forgot was there. Known as the granny killer, decimated care homes, and crippled the NHS. His boss Boris Johnson knew how totally incompetent he was. His excuse for the excess deaths is sheer incompetence not corporate manslaughter. He will make a donation to a dyslexia charity, allegedly, and is championing their cause, even if they do not want to be tarred with his reputation.

The task on the card is to be lowered into a snake pit... Wait there has been a change of plan. Due to audience participation the audience want to choose the task. He is to be locked in a torture chamber with relatives of the dead that he was responsible for. They can use whatever they like and for as long as it takes, working day and night, in a robust, and dedicated way.

I'm sorry Matt I can't let you out, I can not open the door