Blunder and Cock-up stakes

“Now Sport and we go over to an outside broadcast, of a most unusual race.”

"Yes Gary, we are at Ashington for the Blunder and cock-up steeplechase. A classic event run over four years, normally, but due to covid restrictions will be run over , a little over, three years, and what a classic.

The race will start in a few minutes which gives us time to take a close look at the runners as the parade around the paddock. First up is Chis Grayling, an unusual runner, not that he is good at the odd blunder but he is not a minister. He has managed to enter the race under the provision of being the chair of a select committee. What's this Gary, an announcement, that Chis Grayling has been pulled. Yes pulled Gary. He failed to get elected as chairman of the security committee. What a turn up. Grayling always the outsider but so brilliant in both cock up and blunder, that he was odds on favourite. Loved by the bookies, but sadly will not start the event.




Just entering the ring is number two, a favourite with Israel, Pritti Patel. In her favourite colours of black and white, lot of betting on this filly. Been sacked before, so shows promise. Too stupid to understand her brief and loves to bully, and talk strong. Must be in with the pack, able to do one or two cock-ups, but will it be enough to finish?




Next up George Eustice, know affectionately as Useless. Great with Brexit farmers, both of them. Will be in charge of food and rural affairs. Pushes farmers to bankruptcy while demanding more food. Stands a good chance especially after food shortages for Christmas. Will his goose be cooked too early?




Anne-Marie Trevelyan what more can you say, minster for international Development. Outsider good prospects as she totally follows party line with no original thinking. Bound to put a hoof wrong, but is she capable of cock up after cock up, Many say she is. Good each way bet.




Robert Jenrick minister for housing and local government. Totally corrupt. Brown envelopes dodgy hand shakes well in with porn kings. Must be worth a flutter




Grant Shap one of the favourites even more accident prone than Gove, but is he a stayer, been sacked before. My money would be on him, but early days Gary




we will leave the paddock area as I have been told listeners are interested in the course. After many possibilities this event will be run at Ashington and old Mining town. The significance of that may not go unnoticed by those of a certain age. 52 jumps two stretches of water, starts at the job centre in Ashington round the Woodhorn colliery museum, through Newbiggin for a whiff of sea air. Then uphill to the Wansbeck business and retail park (under construction) then back past the Wansbeck Hospital and returning to the Job centre.




The fences to worry obviously Brexit Brook, the water is expanding and the fence getting higher, The riders can not see what is on the other side. They hope it will be a firm landing but who knows?




Immigration hurdle the end of a long climb most runner will be too knackered to handle this.




The NHS Chair tricky one this, take a lot of determination to hand it to America




the Channel turn, where most of the food comes from, if they clear this they could win




I have just heard Gary they are off. Looking through the glass , yes its Boris in the lead with his mumble and stumble. Good pace slow and steady. On the outside liz Truss trying to make something of it, oh no she is falling back. Coming to the first, they are all bunched together no one making a pigs ear of it yet. All clear of the first, and steady up the hill to the Covid.

Bit of positioning with this, Boris pulled back, not to be out done so has Matt Hancock. The rest of the pack safely over. Rishi Sunak making all the running here, means well but cock ups in the making, bound to be a blunder in the light of day. Hancock coming on strong shedding PPE, Ventilators and Testing kits.

Boris taken the whip in hand and catching the front pack, going great but balls up, are not quite the blunder you need .

What's this leaping down the outside Gavin Williamson, beautiful bunch of exam downgrades now well in the lead. "




“Bob, Bob, are you there Bob. Looks like we will have to come back to Bob and the cock up and Blunder handicap stakes, there seems to be a problem with the line. Sorry about that folks seems to be something to do with over 75 year old licence payers. The line is dead. We will let you what and when it happens”