no longer clap

they no longer clap the nurses
too sick to applauded
as death and covid 19
stalk the crowded ward
outside the stupid gather
they say they are bored

a new vaccine is approved
to give a helping hand
but it is a long way off
the stupid don't understand
as mass graves are being dug
beneath the clay and sand

2020 soon to pass

Covid the China flu that would not last

infected all countries moving fast

some fought back some stood aghast

like 2020 hopes it will soon be past




some chose to save life some chose liberty

and some fools chose the economy

rewarding chums of the big companies

with hedge fund led government policy



there were heroes with modest demeanour

care worker sanitizer and the cleaner

that battled on with wages meaner

for the sunny uplands bright and greener




for the NHS we clapped

over worked and cash strapped

gave free parking that was so soon scrapped

and then the wage bill so crudely capped




now for bankers we should clap today

so helpfully they made themselves more pay

into the offshore account to squirrel away

and squeeze every drop from heroes they betray

favourite things

 Erasmus students

with cultural exchanges

Continent wide travelling

with no interchanges

fresh drinking water

from clean underground springs

these are a few of my favourite things

when the deal breaks

and the heartaches

and I'm feeling low

I simply remember my favourite things

and know all of them will go

workers rights and 

employment protection
instructions on goods
with clear directions
safety of toys that Santa brings
these are a few of my favourite things




when the deal breaks
and the heartaches
and I'm feeling low
I simply remember my favourite things
and know all of them will go

great deal

the deal is good for Britain
good for British trade
said the man that never sold
anything that we made

never manufactured

nor held a franchise

just made up stories

using spin and lies

never worked in the field
never pulled a plough
never grew a useful crop
he's in charge of farming now

he doesn't do detail

thinks large on a grand scale

but it is the hidden detail

that sets you up to fail

blockade

There will be riots on the streets
when foie gras is delayed
Cowdray Park will revolt
if Polo isn't played
not quite that so world beating
with no jam or marmalade
but we can blame the French
for the channel ports blockade

clear advice

there will be easing's at Christmas
so you can go out
but you should avoid travel
if there's any doubt


you can't go to a nightclub
all mingling must stop
but you can mingle in a supermarket
if you want to shop


schools will close or open
depends who told you so
will you need child care?
the answer is yes and no


you can't go out for a meal
like you did before
but you can have a takeaway
with an infected person at your door

a book

tried to send a parcel
they asked ne what's it worth
I said it was a book
the most priceless thing on earth

books you can read slowly
or scan it in a wink
a transfer of ideas
to make the reader think

History

obsession with money comes from teaching how to get rich without history

Arrogance comes from becoming rich and forgetting you are rich because you exploit the poor

civil unrest comes from the rich controlling the levers of power

riots come when the poor have nothing else to lose

revolution comes from the poor suppression of riots that affect the middle classes

execution of the rich comes from the middle classes loosing control of the revolution

chaos comes from forgetting history and repeating the same mistakes

2020 office party

There's no office party

nowt to dress up for

no avoiding the groper

or the office bore

no refusing of drinks

no groveling round the boss

no showing you are really keen

when you don't give a toss

just look smart with shirt and tie

to the camera on the screen

in slippers and jogger bottoms

which you know can't be seen

selling short

good old Boris
hasn't he done well
with bets against the pound
his buddies can short sell

all the hedge fund backers
short selling on no deal
they are going to squeeze the market
till the piggies squeal

in the coming new year
when the heat abates
they'll do a deal with the EU
making more money for his mates

a crofter view: the Christmas pine

a crofter view: the Christmas pine: They felled all the pines and took the trees away to decorate fill with light publicly go on display lying on the churned up ground was a de...

happy social distance

Happy social distance

and may you stay at home

far away from infected folks

with no symptoms shown




may your homework be productive

and the internet not go down

may you get all your deliveries

and no need to go to town




may you stick to safe limits

with spirit beer and wine

may all your internet shopping

be delivered in time




may your library of entertainment

keep you happy and in good cheer

and avoid repeated programmes

on the TV every year




may you get the vaccine

and it doesn't cause you pain

and the daft restrictions

may we never see again

banks seasonal greetings

 

To all those loyal customers

That stayed with the banks

The managers with no bonuses

Are offering their thanks 

They wish you seasonal greetings

And a prosperous year ahead

And will visit you in the new year

To check under your bed 

They might find sum investment

Some place to stash your cash

And stop your fruitless hoarding

Or actions just as rash 

And just to show some goodwill

In times that seem so hard

They’ll give loads of credit

On their new credit card 

Those nasty letters sent you

Were merely harmless pranks

So give us all your money

You can trust the banks

Santa in the grotto

In old Santa’s grotto at the local store
Asking all the children what they hoped for
All the happy children sitting on his knee
Asking for presents to find under the tree

.

One boy seemed he wanted more, the greedy little brat
Santa became very stern not taking stuff like that
You should be more considerate ask for what you need
All these selfish demands looks a lot like greed

.

Then came a girl with blonde hair in an old dress
I’ll be happy to get anything, trying to impress
I want mum to be happy and dad to keep well
And to get through Christmas without some thing to sell

.

I want all children to be fed, always wear a smile
May peace breakout in the countries, that we call hostile
May all the hospitals be full of people getting better
May all the lonely people get phone calls or a letter

.

As she drew her breath, Santa began to sigh
What a thoughtful little girl, trying not to cry
I’m sure all these presents you will surely get
Well hang on Santa I ‘aint finished yet

went to church

we went to church on Sundays
to sing an praise the lord
played outside in summer
tired but never bored
our MP's were rich
and never attempted fraud
we all went to Blackpool
never went abroad
an apple in our stocking
was all we could afford
granny was old and wise
someone we adored

the Christmas pine

They felled all the pines

and took the trees away

to decorate fill with light

publicly go on display


lying on the churned up ground

was a deformed tree

the top was bent and twisted

and gaps where pines should be




it was grabbed readily

because it was free

dragged into a one room flat

as a Christmas novelty




soaked toilet paper looked like snow

loo rolls painted red

bits of cut out cardboard

painted and hung with thread




the Christmas tree of wishes

they wrote them with glee

all the gifts Santa would bring

were hung up on the tree.




At the formal inquest

the coroner had to read

the wishes of the destitute

in hunger and in need




a warm bed with blankets

a larder with some food

most of it misspelt

writing simple and crude




public subscripts found a spot

for the family to find peace

after years of poverty

death was a release




the landlord saving money

on his vast estates

got off with a caution

for the gas escapes

in the local grave yard

there boldly stands a tree

the top was bent and twisted

and gaps where pines should be

a deal

if you want to sell me something
something that I need
there must be an instruction book
in a language I can read


It must be fully working
safe for me to use
and complaint procedure
to protect me from abuse


all parts must be ethically sourced
with no sweatshop manufacture
and it should last more than a day
without failure or fracture


I am not dictating to you
I am not subverting nation law
it's your choice to trade or not
as you did before

play golf

there is a pandemic
that wont go away
get out in the country
and play golf twice a day
there is mass unemployment
banks are in disarray
get out in the country
and play golf twice a day
there are riots on the streets
about equality of pay
get out in the country
and play golf twice a day
black lives matter protest
another incident to downplay
get out in the country
and play golf twice a day
assassination's on the streets
in countries faraway
get out in the country
and play golf twice a day
you've had the recount and challenge
time to walk away
get out in the country
and play golf twice a day

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & ME | Full Documentary | Susan Douglas | Julie...

the minstrel in the gallery

like the minstrel in the gallery

watching all the anarchy

lacking competence and mastery

thought as superior in mentality

so deficient in morality

awaiting the vaccine cavalry




in care homes old folks die

carers cry some ask why

behind plate glass to say goodbye

protection cost too much to buy

because they're old there's no outcry

figures massaged to mollify




wear a mask health worker pleas

exhausted system apology

cut and cut by degrees

leaving workers on their knees

self isolating from families

clapping survivors that are free




when the music stops and the disease is gone

time to forget and move on?

Pat on the back for everyone

vast profits for Amazon

hedge fund deals to be done

government claiming that they won

Good morning Mr. Rochester

good morning Mr. Rochester
In a Covid friendly greeting
what lunatic is in the attic
the press can not be meeting


alas it's just a nutter
a jester and a fool
holds the laws of government
up for censure and ridicule


but he has the latest laptop
to the world he can converse
if he is allowed to
by his ever watchful nurse

a petal fell

 

A petal fell from the vase, to land upon the grave

Her wet eyes could not erase, gifts he generously gave

The petal was for generosity, he never stopped his giving

Amidst all the adversity, he kept the family living




The second petal was released, tumbling from above

It shows the willingness to please, and unrelenting love

The third petal that broke away, represented hope

No matter what others say, convinced humanity could cope




The fourth petal that broke free, is for his sense of justice

He treated all with liberty, and no one with any malice

The fifth petal that spun down, forgiving spirit could not askance

He readily turned the check around, to give that second chance




The mourner with the wet eyes, spirit in despair

Wish for comforting sighs, his strength always there

The wind blew the petals in whirl, and blew them off the grave

To share the gifts with the world, a mortal soul to save

Mole and Ratty

"good morning Mr. Ratty"
"Good morning Mr Mole"
"I hope you found it useful
the information that I stole"

"Alas I shall be leaving
the end of yearish date
need to leave a sinking ship
before it's far too late

they've been looking to all corners
trying to explore
where all the money went
that you and I adore

They said we were incompetent
which tended to annoy
not as bad as they are
for it was we that they employ

the crack pot and the misfits
the greedy and corrupt
they had no complaints
when in our trough they supped

I shall have a small pension
and kept a diary in detail
useful for the Telegraph
and the Daily Mail

Alas my dear Mole
I am a rat at large
so could you please direct me
to that weasel Farage"

the boy that makes women cry

He has to wear a uniform

he doesn't know the reason why

he is the newest recruited boy

that makes grown women cry




he doesn't say a word

he doesn't have to speak

just the very sight of him

makes their knees go weak




he wears a sack on his shoulder

that is pained black

and when he has delivered

there are no messages to go back 




he has delivered every house

down this particular street

doors are locked curtains drawn

no one wants to meet




at his war department telegrams

some women run away

hoping that their loved ones

may live another day




when his sack is empty

he must hurry back

to hand over the empty one

for another heavy sack

a soldiers tear

they said it would be good for him
to join in the parade
with his old demob coat
and the medals he displayed

he heard the last post playing
and saw the folks he knew
fooling round and laughing
like they use to do

none of them had aged a bit
all were young and fit
that happy band of comrades
with courage and true grit

although they were spirit form
his friends and his mates
he carried them where ere he went
they bore a heavy weight

two minutes passed so quickly
all gone for another year
eight souls sat upon his cheek
that looked just like a tear

rules

there were rules for the sick ones
there were rules for the poor
when lock-down begun
they all became the law
some folks are so confused
not knowing what its for
some are locked-down and abused
and can't take it any more
but if you are in government all rules you ignore

America

Shutters galore

in America

barred windows and doors

in America

like they're at war

in America

like never before

in America




voter records on disc

in America

voters get frisked

in America

democracy at risk

in America

voting is brisk

in America




some one will win

in America

some won't give in

in America

court battles begin

in America

they blame it on sin

in America

Halloween dreams

All hallows night upon them

dream witches pick a foe

to trouble the restful sleep

with thoughts of fear and woe




this year they chose a politician

one with the common touch

that talked of bright new futures

but didn't do very much




in his dreams they sowed a doubt

of revolution at hand

communists, agitators

and the whole free school meals band




when awake he was resolved

to act before courage had gone

No to any more money

forget it and move on




His party they would back him

like sheep they did parade

through the nay division room

that no compassion could be swayed




they cheered the fantastic victory

the government had won

then came the backlash from voters

that thought it badly done




the witches were ecstatic

at the havoc they created

knowing Halloween nightmares

will never be under rated

MP's

there are some MP's
that try to help the poor
but corrupt scheming greedy shites
there's a whole lot more

brown envelope or honours
directorships or shares
dodgy deals for school chums
no one really cares

none have studies history
revolt or revolution
so they play fast and loose
with the constitution

universal credit

Universal credit

a fatal government quirk

less than a helpful safety net

to drive you back to work


so meagre are the payments

with weeks of delay

paid out in arrears and monthly

similar to workers pay


meant to be a stop gap

an incentive to move on

gobbles up your savings

offers little when its gone


when there is full employment

more jobs than staff to fill

the only reason not to work

is dying or seriously ill


now unemployment is rising

jobs in short supply

stripping out the safety net

the plan has gone awry


more voters will get the experience

more than just a few

will fester in resentment

and revenge they will pursue


the ballot box is waiting

but years away you cry

unless there are bi elections

when a selfish member dies

restrictions

more government restrictions
tier one two and three
so no trips to a nightclub
no pole dancer on your knee
no trendy wine bar
for champagne and Chablis
just grizzle and fat burger
from home delivery
raise the Dunkirk spirit
enforced on TV
blackouts on the windows
jam and cups of tea
and wait the Brexit dividend
to boost the economy

crisis management

The crisis is out of hand

loyal backbenchers wail

the Spectator and the Telegraph

think the government can't prevail

there are calls for resignation

even from the Daily Mail



time to take decisive action

its all boom or bust

do something world beating

dynamic and robust

it works except a small problem

bordering on the cusp



so they just ignore it

it will go away

so stubborn is the problem

it grows bigger every day

it will become a crisis

if continued to delay



the problem now a crisis

loyal backbenchers wail

the Spectator and the Telegraph

think the government can't prevail

there are calls for resignation

even from the Daily Mail

high rise flats in lockdown

 flat one

Suffering anxiety

and panic attacks

tries to play some music

to comfort and relax

he takes antidepressants

not singularly but by the packs

flat two

next doors music irritates

tends to blow the mind

told him to turn it down

the response was less than kind

took some more pain relief

any he could find

flat three

not allowed to go out side

so she stays in bed

her dimming eyes can't make out

all the books she's read

the cold is just one more comfort

to mask the smell of the dead

flat four

the children constant shouting

the babies constant wail

locked in her barren flat

social services failed

the murder of her children

and her suicide is detailed

flat five

suffering mental illness

logic gone awry

locked down because of covid

but no explanations why

opens the sixth story window

to see if he can fly

hello hello granny

hello,hello granny
why are you out doors
you have broken guidance
now you've broken laws

although you said you are alone
my dear I can count
we spotted eight people in the park
a prohibited amount

I saw the news this morning
and I know my rights dear chap
that was this morning
now updated on my app

you must get the latest app
sadly it's not free
and your details will be sold
to aid the treasury

I have a notification
the latest government decree
they changed their minds under pressure
so I will allow you to go free

catchy students

there is a catchy bar
that plays a catchy tune
with a catchy knife and folk
and a catchy spoon

the waiter brings a catchy glass
on a catchy tray
you must leave by ten PM
but can drink all day

the catchy halls of residence
catchy students from wide and far
using catchy public transport
or catchy parents car

in the catchy lecture halls
a one way system spot
there is a catchy library
for the catchy swot

the catchy students are castigated
and brought down with shame
by a catchy government
that wants some one else to blame

an interview

An old grey man is talking

to a reporting celebrity

warning about extinction

on the morning news TV




wearing a woolen jersey

and a old cotton shirt

saying our verdant forests

will soon be dust and dirt




talking quiet sincerely

in a slow and measure way

don't waste the beautiful planet

is what he's trying to say




the reporter in her studio

the backdrop quiet idyllic

in her man made clothes

of rayon and acrylic




make up applied skillfully

with a hint of seduction

extracted from fossil fuel

by product of oil production






she cares about the environment

and agrees it must be saved

but wastes and panders to the rich

it is what consumers craved




he thinks the planet can be saved

the young are the key

fired with hopeful enthusiasm

the reporter can not see

crosses

there are crosses in Stanley
where a British soldier died
in Rangoon , Singapore
and Malaysia far and wide
there are crosses in the desert
and ice at 20 degrees below
in jungles and savanna
where grazing wild life go
but not in America
where they think of us a foe

TV chat

it does need to be all gloom
for health and the economy
said the preachers of impending doom
at a desk on TV

It's all your fault you foolish yobs
that brought the country low
soon you could have proper jobs
after months of furlough

so the heart jumps a beat
uplifted by the thought
politicians think they'll keep their seat
now the bullshit has been bought

but then you watch in disbelief
the gestures done with glee
a clown with an important brief
comic with out the comedy

inspection

the smoke lingers in the air

the lid I take off slow

sweet hum of gentle buzzing there

on the frames below

the sweet aroma of bees wax

of propolis pungency

soft talking makes the bees relax

as they buzz distrustfully

there walking across the frame

with attendants at her heel

the queen of all bees so tame

trying to conceal

on frames of new eggs uncapped

with pollen in great store

seal and capped the larvae trapped

a bee to transform once more

I have seen enough the stores are good

more smoke to quell their ire

replace the lid of cedar wood

and gracefully retire

the vicar to the curate

Said the vicar to the curate

who was running late

do you have a sermon

to fill the collection plate




we must get them squirming

get them while they are down

we need to ridicule someone

to wear the repentance crown




what is all the gossip

in who's' bed have they been

what secrets are they keeping

what thoughts so obscene




who broke the restrictions

who gathered more than six

who reported restriction breakers

to hide their dirty tricks




None had come to mind

all proper and devout

nothing more than a parking ticket

to get worked up about




let us hope they will enjoy the show

may the sermon give a tingle

then we can report them all

for the vicious act of mingle

Tombstone Northumberland

In Tombstone Northumberland

where drinkers go to eat

a lonely covid marshal

patrols the crowded street




You seven will get busted

you're against the law

and you don't come from round here

not seen you before




the pubs will start kicking out

as curfew starts to bite

stop serving beer at eight o'clock

to say they're covid right




they've arrest all the young folk

once were high on drugs

now they're coming for granny

that gives children hugs




there are no traffic wardens

no parked cars on the street

and  sniggering groups of five

will be excluded from his beat

oven ready

Brexit oven ready

is all set to fail

the chilly wind from the continent

now blizzards and gale

the government has ensured

a swift process derail




trade from the world

get food where we can

chicken legs from China

wings from Japan

chlorine in chicken

from the States and Bhutan




toxic colour in corn

pesticides in wheat

growth hormones are laced

in all kinds of meat

farms going under

can no longer compete




food riots in Soho

and Park avenue

tear gas in the air

police casualties few

the PM calls for calm

from a bunker new Crewe

rules and law

The modern democracy

that you voted for

has rules for the rich

and laws for the poor

a few broken rules

the judiciary ignore

but will crack down without mercy

any infringement of law

back to the office

after cutting civil servants pay
and the increments deprive
sent home to work on line
so they won't bus or drive
now they need to get back to work
for the economy to revive


but the lowly clerical assistant
with no pennies pound or buck
can not afford to go to Costa
Nero or Starbucks
walks to work with a thermos flask
so the economy's out of luck

send down a Trump

Oh lord above send down a Trump

for those that believe

to rant about a corrupting swamp

where tax returns deceive




may all the Russian oligarchs

with poisoners at large

have a hot line to the president

to tell him who's in charge




may all gun toting white trash

with fake news and conspiracy fears

point assault rifles at the press

while shouting four more years

true religions

The world of true religions

their schisms and their sects

the fashions and the clothing

for honour and respect

and the mutual intolerance

for religions not correct

perfect hindsight

Said Boris with perfect hindsight

they didn't get everything right

talking to the media

trying to look contrite




in the early stages with testing

the government did its sums

saw there was little profit

for associates and chums




they concentrated on PPE

to get what they could get

after paying they waited

and are still waiting yet




the worlds health said do testing

and have some capacity

they cobbled a world class system

to save the economy




so forget it and move on

the policy will never fail

corruption killed patients

time to reflect in jail

catchy

The catchy tune plays on the loop

the DJ's paid to circulate

the workers in the sweat shop

say it helps to concentrate

nod their heads to the rhythm

sewing endless seams straight




the owner has caught a fever

but the orders are running late

coughing as he walks the aisles

of sewing emigrates

filling the air with viruses

to infect and incubate

lovers of Boris

Those lovers of Boris

with the wide glassy stare

still have loads of money

demand the best of care

still can not blame Boris

gasping for some air

cloud cuckoo land

In cloud cuckoo land
they keep no sheep
no pigs no cows
but want food cheap
they do not plough
or tend the fields
just stocks and shares
produce a yield
all food comes cheap
form over seas
so they don't need honey
or bumble bees
but over seas is famine and war
starving children
homeless poor
but cheap food
they still demand
those bankers of
cloud cuckoo land

Scottish referendum

Scottish referendum
now the aftermath and cost
the head of one leader
that fought so hard and lost

with a taste of freedom
so tantalisingly near
time to plan for the next time
and dispel the doubt and fear

all those greedy bankers
bank reforms in much doubt
need a stronger country
to help to bail them out

if their banking had some ethics
and speculation was curtailed
they could thrive in Scotland
let England have banks that failed

join in the discussion
With the EU relations
get inclusive recognition
as a state within a nation

as for the currency
the pound is no use
have a coin called Wallace
hundred Wallace make a Bruce

realign the border
for necessity not greed
bring back old Berwickshire
on both sides of the Tweed

Nae eggs

I have nae eggs from my named hens
I have nae breakfast treat
for the dreighness of the weather
and the coldness of their feet
if there's nae eggs the morrow
they'll be renamed as meat

long grass

should I cut the grass today
or let grow as meant
don't you just love long grass
if your in government

if you have some ethics
and there's problems for the nation
just kick in to the long grass
to mature in obfuscation

inquiry's and commissions
governments adore
old problems and solution
you can just ignore

god on the phone

I can't talk to you right now
I've god on the phone
for all those pesky prayers at night
he won't leave me alone
he keeps telling me to behave
be contrite less funny
and all I ever asked of him
was health and loads of money
he told me that I should believe
a spiritual life perform
yet if he really knows me well
he knows I can't conform

lord of poetry

Orange does not rhyme or scan
thus considered blasphemy
against the true and noble god
the lord of poetry
users of that hateful word
are committing heresy
no punishment is bad enough
for the lapse of dignity
we are not religious nuts
that love poetry
Charlie Hebdo has drawn a cartoon
of Wordsworth on page three

Bosom of the family

 in the bosom of the family

where safety once reside

gentle rough  hands soothed

brushed tears away when cried

as the young grew older

curiosity died

they listened to the convincing

that told of truth but lied

the truthful one so arrogant

so special and revered

questioning became a threat

a darkness to be feared

the bosom of the family

broke and fell apart

many nights of grinding teeth

a sorrowful broken heart

time is a great healer

healer of the bereft

it moves so steady onward

but so little of it left

 

Four freedoms of America

freedom of speech
the freedom to tweet

day and night

to reveal all

because you're right

god help anyone

that puts up a fight



the press will say

what they're told

at press conferences

acting bold

but any question

outside the mould

is just fake news

deep state controlled



but you lowly

voting sort

that takes a knee

before doing sport

you think you can

our racist plans thwart

there are prisons

to which we can transport



freedom of worship

In god we trust

on notes display

to our god

you kneel and pray

there is no other god we say

we pass the plate

for you to pay




atheist are not religious

they are not devout

we can persecute them all

or we can drive them out

those other religious folk

untrue full of doubt

we can thus convert them

let our goodness flow about



be not scared of Muslims

Buddhist show no fear

we are the true religion

so we pay no taxes here

we have evangelising religions

to which you must adhere


freedom from fear

we have the finest weapons

technology at its best

our rockets can take us to the moon

and for space conquest

but the finger on the button

couldn't pass an IQ test

we can destroy the world in seconds

to put your mind at rest




our police have weapons

and trained to do no harm

they have water cannon and riot shields

that fit neatly on the arm

chewing gum and sneering

is all part of their charm

if you're black they'll shoot you in the back

for acting confident and calm




if in trouble we have justice

resolutions can be sought

judicial innocence protection

can not be bribed or bought

applied if you are white

but not if a coloured sort

and big companies always win

in battles that are fought



freedom from want


we have food in abundance

much of it will be waste

chemicals in the chicken

that leaves no after taste

vegetables and fruit are perfect

with pesticides are laced

genetically modification

not listed or can be traced




the poor are also homeless

the dregs that can't be seen

they once wore flashy uniforms

of blue or army green

earned medals for a service

when they were young and keen

now they hang on empty bottles

begging quite obscene




in sickness and in health

there is a bill to pay

for insurance against illness

that you might get some day

if you turn up at a clinic

with no insurance to display

you are discarded and ignored

then promptly turned away




four freedoms for America

none of them are free

and all of them eroded

with corrupt democracy

knocking on my door

Jehovah witnesses and Mormons
Have stopped knocking on my door
I get no begging letters
charities think I'm poor
Yet UKIP and the Tories
Think it's them I'm voting for
because some nutter with a sense of humour
said I've money stashed offshore

I want a bank

for Christmas I want a bank
or a train franchise
being a greedy bastard
it'll come as no surprise
and if I am incompetent
of that there is no doubt
the good old British taxpayer
will come and bale me out

we are so British

We are so British
unlike the likes of you
I have a house on a street
we call the avenue
as we pass the common folk
say how do you do
and raise their hats graciously
to us Hesketh - Fortesque
we have a seat in the Lords
you would expect us too
we are an ancient family
we're not just passing through
we always had old money
never had work to do
our greedy hedge fund manager
ensures savings accrue
we love all things British
from Buck house to Kew
so must stop Johnny foreign
claiming what he's not due
and ship them back to were we came from
in nineteen forty two

onions in our stockings

We had onions in our stockings
as oranges weren't invented
our toys were string and sticks
for which we were contented
the best ever present
was a second hand pen knife
there was always sickness at Christmas
TB was rife
now we've gadgets in the kitchen
to make housework a breeze
so how come our cherished children
are so bloody hard to please

a plumber

I turned on the tap
I couldn't get a drip
how will I survive
without coffee I can sip

So I found the phone book
as advised to do
to try and find a plumber
the nearest one to you
Then I called a plumber
fifty of them in all
at last I found a plumber
that would return my call

I'm busy at the moment
with a customer who'll pay
I may be an hour or two
but will get to you today
next morning I phoned again
it didn't seem much use
he said he could come today
but had a new excuse

I went round to the neighbors
I've water buckets in the hall
tried to phone more plumbers
but had no luck at all
next I phoned that plumber again
it went on for a week
sometimes I got the answer phone
sometimes he would speak
each time a brand new excuse
and a promise to attend
no matter how many messages
or pleadings that I send

at last there was a ray of light
in proceedings grey
for it was raining cats and dogs
there would be no golf today
he stood there with a mobile phone
no tools to do repair
he said he found a flood outside
was the Water Board aware
I would need a builder to dig a hole
it could take a week
so let him know when it was done
so he could fix the leak.

So I found the phone book
as advised to do
to try and find a builder
the nearest one to you
then I called a builder
fifty of them in all
at last I found a builder
that would return my call

anti dandruff

I saw an anti dandruff advert
on the old TV
it said it removes flaky skin
from scalp completely
so in this election year
politicians must look smart
they should all have that shampoo
from the goodness of my heart
and if the shampoo removes flaky
as the advert quote
there wont be enough politicians
to register a vote

in this togeher

we are all in this together
if you discount
the odd home in the Cayman isles
and an HSB account

a seat in the lords

how could I ridicule
those protectors of the poor
so recently devalued by
Rifkind and Straw
so willing to help companies
from a foreign shore
undercut British companies
in a contracts war
they do so little
and so ensure
there outside interests
can earn them more
with all their expenses
and directorships galore
they still want to be honoured
with a seat next door

we can we must

There will be no world leaders
expressing their regret
flying to the disaster site
for some votes to get

the media is with Clarkson
a fracas to report
or with violence on the football pitch
the readers think is sport

in drought stricken Sahel
by a watering hole gone dry
the exhausted thirsty and hungry
congregate to die

the child with fly rimmed eyes
stares into the sky
weakened sick and dying
unable now to cry

the next water hole a two days walk
when they were fit and well
but with wasted limbs and muscle cramps
the cruelest walk to hell

we can save a tabby cat
stuck in a sewer down below
we can feed the hillside sheep
caught in the winter snow

we can fly to distant lands
where cyclones have been
or to a bombed out car
where only rubble can be seen

be we seem to fail humanity
starving because they are poor
throwing away our excess food
yet demanding more

litter

ten miles from McDonald's
you couldn't find a bin?
taking your crap home with you
is surely not a sin

but you litter up the countryside
with you tat and crap
putting all our country roads
on the fly-tipping map

what if I visit your home
the one that you adore
and pump a tanker full of slurry
directly through your door

a camera

I bought a new camera
on a reckless shopping spree
a brand new paranoid camera
that operates digitally
so I can film those weird buggers
I know are following me

rich list

looking at Britain's rich list
is my name for all to see?
it seems I don't qualify
some incompatibility
but it's near the end of the month
and I still have 50p

Sky suing Skype

Sky is suing Skype
for the closeness of the name
we're too thick to know the difference
Murdoch's empire claim
so if we are that thick and stupid
then the media is to blame

MPs pay and conditions

MPs pay should they vote
have their noses in the trough
and get themselves a stonking rise
when others find it bloody tough.

No, their pay it should be linked
to civil service pay grade three
and any cut they choose to enforce
should hit them all equally

they should serve the public
like civil servants do
and have all the conditions
that civil servants are due

no extra travel and subsistence
no new homes they can switch
they are voted to serve their constituents
not make themselves bloody rich

celestial lift

on a celestial eternity lift
to heaven or to hell
surrounded by a host of religious men
destination hard to tell

then a voice it rang out
this heaven is for only one
all religious men held their books aloft
and the arguments begun

while they were arguing whom was right
their validity as not in doubt
no one made a move to leave
so I casualty wandered out

welcome said the lord of lords
in heaven you can dwell
and all those religious bigots
will spend their days in hell

so heaven is full of atheists
although it wasn't meant
walking around in disbelief
peaceful and content

free cat

it's amazing how expensive
a free cat can be
with injections, operations
and the vets reasonable fee

FIFA

give me a thousand pounds
as I pass you in the aisle
and I'll get you front row seat
at the FIFA bribery trial

rot in hell

they said that I would rot in hell
for my atheist belief
I'd suffer for eternity
with no respite or relief
so I googled trip adviser
not use to doing prayer
now I feel more confident
knowing no one has been there

cool

the nights are drawing in
the mornings crisp and cool
but there's soft warm udders
on goats that think I'm cruel

poetry day

today is national poetry day
time to write a dit
modern poetry has much to say
no rhyme and full of prose

bombers

there are bombers in our streets
humanity they explore
public anger in the press
politician can't ignore
forgetting all the history
the mistake we made before
lets send in our bombers
and start another war

they call it democracy

chasing public opinion
they call it democracy
pandering to press barons
with careless hypocrisy
following a stupid leader
that majored in deceit
will do what ever it takes
to hold on to their seat
have no time for deep thinking
arguments they'll ignore
common-sense dysfunction
takes a democracy to war

praying

they pray for those lapsed in faith
they pray for those in doubt
they pray for those flooded
the pray for those in drought
they pray for those in terror
and for terrorism rout
while they are busy praying
they will never sort them out

Christmas shopping

Off for Christmas shopping
the high street is where I'm bound
to find the shop of luxuries
that has everything for a pound
a hive of Christmas shoppers
queues are so intense
because they can't find a shop
that has all for fifty pence

witch of Laxhowe

the wicked witch of Laxhowe
lies in a hospital bed
with grave concerns for the workings
deep inside her head
which will leave her disabled
or even now she could be dead

slander gossip and libel
she constantly employed
destroying good reputations
she gleefully enjoyed
she leaves behind a wasteland
of families she destroyed

hard to be polite

It's so hard to be polite
act as if I understand
when there are so many tossers
and good insults close at hand

homophobic bigot

if I'm a homophobic bigot
with discriminatory thought
and spoke them quite openly
I'd end up in court
but if I go to church
that's exactly what I'm taught

Ken

the feminist are pleased with Barbie
different colour shape and size
but there is still just one Ken
that they can idolize

there is even Ken the oil rich Sheik
with Barbie in a burka
Ken the Merchant banker
sales rep, and factory worker

ken with car and caravan
Ken with car and boat
No ken with pitch folk in hand
mucking out the goat

So where is the Farming Ken
in clarty wellie boots
with a mobile phone in the top pocket
of his John Deere boiler suit

there's just Ken the rich important chap
a sophisticated charmer
no Ken up to his eyes in debt
as a struggling hill farmer

Cognitive behavior therapy CBT

I've done it all the so called cures
the resting and CBT
letting go of the past
to live in harmony

cast out all I use to do
no need to persist
all the things I can now do
add them to the list

I can sleep and I can eat
there must be something that I missed?
I'd love to do something else
but I'd have to do a new bloody list

unbearable

life has become unbearable
life is made so hard
for I went out a shopping
and forgot a bloody card

I also forgot the roses
the chocolates and champagne
the dog house beckons to me
forgiveness pleadings are in vain

Shaun the leprechaun

Shaun the vindictive leprechaun
was caught out in the day
he lost his gold as forfeit
so would make humanity pay

his attack was subtle
not quite as you expected
making sure that Donald Trump
and Boris Johnson were elected

He made Osborne do a budget
to benefit the rich and greedy
cutting back on all the sick
disadvantaged and the needy

to Kim Jung Un he gave the bomb
Putin got more Ukraine
If you don't believe in leprechauns
these are hard things to explain

don't ask

the dog house is my resting place
my shins are bruised with pain
today is my true loves birthday
So don't ask her age again

she said I was tactless

an imbecilic fool

a moron half wit

and other words so cruel

curiously drives the human mind

drives out suspicion and the dark

so now I sit outside with Rover

learning how to bark

own a gun?

in a country of open doors
where no harm is done
they have a stupid law
that lets a nutter have a gun

so all the trusting folk
they know what to do
if a nutter has a gun
we must have one too

They all buy a pistol
thinking the nutter is erratic
he might have one too
so they buy an automatic

the arms race has begun
in the land that God made
buying up rocket launchers
and self propelled grenade

there is mistrust and there is fear
no thought before you jump
this is the sickening paranoia
that elected Donald Trump

tax returns

stupidity is contagious
politicians are the proof
they say they'll show their tax returns
too prove they are not aloof
there will be no money over seas
no slush fund they are aware
that only a fecking eejit
on a tax form would declare

nod wink

nod wink
uncle Bob
don't ask questions
brown envelope job


world beating track and trace
hunting a disease
all it seems to have found
a link to government sleaze


nod wink
uncle Bob
don't ask questions
brown envelope job


ofqual algorithm
poor grades to bestow
big chums of Cummings
acquaintances of Gove


nod wink
uncle Bob
don't ask questions
brown envelope job


public health England
stripped to the core
more dosh for the wealthy
ill health for the poor


nod wink
uncle Bob
don't ask questions
brown envelope job


forget it move on
robust and world beating
verbiage and crap
the Government's excreting


nod wink
uncle Bob
don't ask questions
brown envelope job

mugged

I got mugged the other day
whilst on my way back home
the mugger took all I had
and my mobile phone
he left me with out the bus fare
but he offered me a loan
the action that a tax man
and a banker would condone

a coward

They say he was a coward
the detritus and the dregs
but he was just a young lad
that did the thinking with his legs

Eva Caber

her name was Eva Caber
but people got her wrong
although she was Scottish
she wasn't quite that strong

she went out with McDonald
McTavish and McBain
it pays to have a mac at hand
in case it starts to rain

a diplomat

he was such a clever man
a natural diplomat
convinced his wife a diamond ring
would make her look so fat

to be remembered

to be remembered like Maggie
we need a little war
not Syria or Libya
that was buggered up before
we need to show who is the boss
that government has the right
so we'll pick on junior doctors
if they are up for a fight
we will call them agitators
fifth column at large
and at protesting pickets
let police horses charge
we need the press behind us
Murdoch still has sway
just have to let that Leveson thing
quietly fade away

the American constitution

The American constitution
and the bill of rights
under the star spangled banner
they defend and fight
equality under the law
only if you're white

the alarm clock

between the turbulent restless sleep
and the dawn of morning calm
dwells that most heinous beast
the portable clock alarm

it rings to wake the slumbering
the sound to break right through
the dreams of armorial bliss
and the rest that you are due

you hit it once and once again
enough for hand to bruise
all is calm for a shortest spell
but the demon is set at snooze

again its raucous wail erupts
you are defend by the roar
rage subsides, calm restored
but the clock will work no more

trouble plotter

dingy minded
trouble plotter
probes all contacts
weakness spotter
finds a chink
for begotten ends
undermines trust
of helpful friends

all the lies
too many to know
excused as writers
creative flow
behind the religious
happy claps
a lack of conscience
and moral collapse


why did you take
that fateful step
what contract of lies
bound one so inept
what did you lack
what did you need
and what have you done
for your religious creed

non-verbal

Non-verbal is Behaviour
and elements of speech
aside from the words themselves
that meaning can reach

Non-verbal communication
includes pitch, speed, tone
volume of voice and gestures
facial expressions are not alone

body posture, stance, and proximity
to the listener can convey
eye movements and contact
dress and appearance holding sway

only 5 percent effect is produced
by the spoken word,
45 percent by the tone
and other elements heard

and there is body language
which is 50 percent or more
so that clip across the ear
you now know what it's for

skyping

we considered skyping the grandchildren
opening presents with glee
but then we couldn't be bothered
getting up at ten past three

it's mine

it is mine
I claim this throne
for me to hold
and me alone
I have the right
I have the power
to exclude the dog
for just an hour

I'll tell you of the past

come and sit upon my knee
and I'll tell you of the past
when all the things bought in the shops
were guaranteed to last
we didn't do any texting
speaking was the convention
we talked about the weather
and Europe never got a mention

they voted BREXIT

they voted Brexit not remain
retake control with little pain
but will be as they want it to be
with crumpets and afternoon tea
raising hat so courteously
nostalgia? or history
no croissant, but demanding toast
no cheek kissing for the host
a firm hand shake a look severe
pork scratching and warm flat beer
black pudding and a bowl of tripe
real coins to pay not a card to swipe
regain, regain, we'll take it all back
our football violence and the union Jack
we'll have barley water instead of wine
now our great nation is in decline

wait, I hear you say so bold
the world out there is far from cold
there will be markets, they will be found
for that cheep China tack we're a dumping ground
we will expand our culture just wait and see
with McDonald's and KFC
and those American crime stories on TV
to match the blandness of reality
we are a nation proud and bold
and we'll go to war when we're told
our independence we are fond
and will obey our orders from beyond the pond
work will depend of the colour of your collar
and the exchange rate between the pound and Dollar

DTI

Department of Trade and Industry
has been cut and cut some more
supervising trade deals in Europe
they weren't needed any more

Now we need to negotiate
every trade deal we made
with a just overseeing staff
that know nowt about real trade

all those foreign negotiators
with the upper hand to gain
will run rings around our England team
since we vote not to remain

what they wrote

all critics of the government
love to post and quote
the stupid things the ministers said
and the dafter things they wrote

So I will do the same as them
preferably before I die
I'll publish all those nasty letters
the slanders and the lie

the vile threats and insults
so all the world can see
how a violent abusive psychopath
can destroy a family

Blunder and Cock-up stakes

“Now Sport and we go over to an outside broadcast, of a most unusual race.”

"Yes Gary, we are at Ashington for the Blunder and cock-up steeplechase. A classic event run over four years, normally, but due to covid restrictions will be run over , a little over, three years, and what a classic.

The race will start in a few minutes which gives us time to take a close look at the runners as the parade around the paddock. First up is Chis Grayling, an unusual runner, not that he is good at the odd blunder but he is not a minister. He has managed to enter the race under the provision of being the chair of a select committee. What's this Gary, an announcement, that Chis Grayling has been pulled. Yes pulled Gary. He failed to get elected as chairman of the security committee. What a turn up. Grayling always the outsider but so brilliant in both cock up and blunder, that he was odds on favourite. Loved by the bookies, but sadly will not start the event.




Just entering the ring is number two, a favourite with Israel, Pritti Patel. In her favourite colours of black and white, lot of betting on this filly. Been sacked before, so shows promise. Too stupid to understand her brief and loves to bully, and talk strong. Must be in with the pack, able to do one or two cock-ups, but will it be enough to finish?




Next up George Eustice, know affectionately as Useless. Great with Brexit farmers, both of them. Will be in charge of food and rural affairs. Pushes farmers to bankruptcy while demanding more food. Stands a good chance especially after food shortages for Christmas. Will his goose be cooked too early?




Anne-Marie Trevelyan what more can you say, minster for international Development. Outsider good prospects as she totally follows party line with no original thinking. Bound to put a hoof wrong, but is she capable of cock up after cock up, Many say she is. Good each way bet.




Robert Jenrick minister for housing and local government. Totally corrupt. Brown envelopes dodgy hand shakes well in with porn kings. Must be worth a flutter




Grant Shap one of the favourites even more accident prone than Gove, but is he a stayer, been sacked before. My money would be on him, but early days Gary




we will leave the paddock area as I have been told listeners are interested in the course. After many possibilities this event will be run at Ashington and old Mining town. The significance of that may not go unnoticed by those of a certain age. 52 jumps two stretches of water, starts at the job centre in Ashington round the Woodhorn colliery museum, through Newbiggin for a whiff of sea air. Then uphill to the Wansbeck business and retail park (under construction) then back past the Wansbeck Hospital and returning to the Job centre.




The fences to worry obviously Brexit Brook, the water is expanding and the fence getting higher, The riders can not see what is on the other side. They hope it will be a firm landing but who knows?




Immigration hurdle the end of a long climb most runner will be too knackered to handle this.




The NHS Chair tricky one this, take a lot of determination to hand it to America




the Channel turn, where most of the food comes from, if they clear this they could win




I have just heard Gary they are off. Looking through the glass , yes its Boris in the lead with his mumble and stumble. Good pace slow and steady. On the outside liz Truss trying to make something of it, oh no she is falling back. Coming to the first, they are all bunched together no one making a pigs ear of it yet. All clear of the first, and steady up the hill to the Covid.

Bit of positioning with this, Boris pulled back, not to be out done so has Matt Hancock. The rest of the pack safely over. Rishi Sunak making all the running here, means well but cock ups in the making, bound to be a blunder in the light of day. Hancock coming on strong shedding PPE, Ventilators and Testing kits.

Boris taken the whip in hand and catching the front pack, going great but balls up, are not quite the blunder you need .

What's this leaping down the outside Gavin Williamson, beautiful bunch of exam downgrades now well in the lead. "




“Bob, Bob, are you there Bob. Looks like we will have to come back to Bob and the cock up and Blunder handicap stakes, there seems to be a problem with the line. Sorry about that folks seems to be something to do with over 75 year old licence payers. The line is dead. We will let you what and when it happens”

ME/CFS

they don't know what it is
or why you can't function
so they'll test for this and that
and test until destruction

it's a most unusual case
what it is they are not sure
so they say that it is just ME
so they don't need to find a cure

religion

with religion you don't need conscience
Religion does not do guilt
and you can exploit, for your greed
the planet that God built

religion chooses your accepted friends
also selects your mate
so it can pass down in perpetuity
your bigotry and hate

women's lib

women's liberation!
what is the equality sign?
that women are equal to all men
how can it be defined
it is not the latest fashion
or the shortness of the hem
when women are bald fat and smell
but think all men fancy them

favourite chair

the eyes are ever watching
watching every move
with malice and aforethought
a sign they disapprove

they wait for your refreshment time
admiring your teacup
knowing you will soon crack
and from your seat get up

they move like a lightning bolt
to claim that favoured spot
you have sat there far too long
exceeding your time slot

so you buy matching chairs
thinking they'd be impressed
but they still want the one you're in
knowing it is the best

a place called hell

God has dominion over everything
except a place called hell
it is peopled by an evil devil
and his heinous cartel
and if you are really bad in life
that is where you will dwell

there will be fire and brimstone
torments to endure
that will burn and punish
any heart so pure
it will last for eternity
with no release premature

But if you are a devils disciple
creating villainy abroad
the Devil will punish you?
not all your deeds applaud
doing all the devils work
should earn you some reward

noble war

he second world war was noble
old politicians quote
the cost was enormous
village memorials note
now the fascist smile so sweetly
looking for your vote

war and peace

it was his fist battle
the roll call had been done
just a boy of seventeen
he was the only one
all his friends and comrades
a hundred men or more
cut down like a field of wheat
just casualties of war

the generals were alarmed
thought it cowardliness of the foe
so with a few hundred more
they'd have another go
and all the troops from behind
reserves and ill trained
walked into no mans land
for two inches gained

he only fought for his pals
not the generals behind
and at night his pals visited
in dreams inside his mind
he hated the unjust foe
those murderers of his youth
that fought for broken promises
unlike his war for truth

as the years passed by
he began to see
the enemy were just like him
not the devils villainy
in a grubby wine bar
for veterans of the war
he saw the hated enemy
as he never saw before

in the gloom they all shook hands
and drank the cheapest wine
they sank all the wartime songs
as drunks are inclined
talking to their enemies
of the friends that died
embracing like long lost friends
for all the waste they cried

the old soldier

Yes sir the old soldier did reply
I’ll volunteer to do or die
I’ll lead the charge for you I’ll risk all
And sing your praises if I fall
I’ll sacrifice myself for your glory thirst
Do all that you order, if you show me first

Warlocks

The witches and the warlock
are gathering for the day
locked in a tabled stuffy room
with past warlocks on display

they mix their spell and potion
incantations they recite
of taking back their control
championing their right

the right to give rich men more
to tax and harass the poor
cut and cut the housing stock
only rich can now procure

cut the funds for social aid
health and education
austerity is what they need
to make a great nation

all the evil spells are cast
and as they make for the exit
they cast the spell of all spells
to blame all on Brexit

A Grimm fairy tale

Mirror mirror on the wall
who is the sexiest of them all.
you are Donald without a doubt
now go sprinkle some stupid about

so with his hair red and white
he ruthlessly used the old sound bite
and all the audience with much surprise
woke up dumb and hypnotized

he clicked his fingers and they ran well
to his casino and and grand hotel
but they were dumb as they could be
after they went to his University

until a crofter near Aberdeen
said Trump was daft and obscene
because he wore the emperors cloak
that was just a scam and joke

wearing nothing made him look silly
with a bulging gut and tiny willy
all in Europe saw it was a farce
the speeches delivered from his arse

what damage could he really do?
what wars could he now pursue?
four incompetent years till he gets the sack
and the sales will rocket for Prozac

where are they

where are they now
those politically aware
that storm the barricades
and marched in Tianamen square

that demanded their rights
and voting parity
that demanded fair taxation
and gender equality

where are those so colour blind
that see a person not just skin
that except love between all people
not some shame to keep locked in

where are those tolerant folk
that think religions bring only grief
but think the soul is wonderful
and it's right to have belief

in hiding or have gone to ground
it's not safe to be informing
they will face their fate in silence
ill prepared for global warming

give me cheese

give me cheese
do not abstain
give dairy jobs
I can obtain
exclude all tacos
and chow-mien
help me make cheese
grate again

give me cheese 

that I can bite

nothing plastic

crumbles right

temperature read

in Fahrenheit

but most of all

it must be white