The fairy

The fairy

Twas an hour before dawn when Shamus returned to find a fairy sobbing her heart out on his escape toadstool.

“That's no place to be idling away the dawn, clear off away from my door” Shamus snapped,

The fairy sobbed louder.

“Don't think you can get round me like that, I'm not an elf you know”

“I've no where else to go” sobbed the fairy.

“Well you can't just block a leprechauns door at dawn and expect preferential treatment.”

“I'll never be able to return home, and must seek shelter where ever.” she sighed flashing her eyelashes.

Shamus shook his head repeatedly, for a leprechaun he was a soft touch.

He opened the door and indicated for her to enter. All was black until Shamus flicked the glow worms tail. It made little difference for although there was perfect light the walls of the cave were painted matt black, as were the few sticks of furniture.

Sitting down Shamus said” if there is a story in you let it be known”.

The fairy looked baffled.

“Well “ said Shamus “why are you here, what happened, what, when, whether, why.”

The fairy looked around and fixed her eye on the black bottles on the bench.

“It's difficult to talk without a sweet cup of milk thistle tea, what with all the crying and all”.

“Ah ah Missy you have come to the wrong 'chaun I only do poteen, so you can let yourself out, good morn to you.”

“No wait” implored the fairy,” I'm sorry I irked you I was only making conversation, and it would be easier with a drink, but if no drinks are available, its fine I will just croak a bit”

Shamus sat stroking his beard staring intently at the bright fairy. He was getting warm feelings towards this creature, not quite a pleasant as handling gold but oddly similar.

“Have you had much to do with fairies” She asked

“Can't say I have, you don't mine gold, play pranks, riddle the big yuns, or do jinx's, so we've not a lot in common”

“But I thought you were Shamus the tenth”

“I am, I'm Shamus the tenth plus six, My father was Shamus the tenth and he's off to Kerry.”

“I'm sorry I didn't know he had left you”.

“He's not left us, just stopped crocking gold, he now works in the day time making Euro’s and claiming grants, what ever they are.”

“But you can do magic can't you”

“Of course I can” snorted Shamus “You've an odd way of insulting folk you know”

“I'm sorry” she replied demurely flashing her eyelids in a provocative manner.

“So why are you here and not in some Fairyland or other?”

“ I fell foul of the new manager of Fairy resources and have been banished” she sobbed. “what is worse every time someone mentions my name it adds another day to my banishment.”

“And what is your name” asked Shamus.

The fairy thought for a moment, after some thought replied. “F F U N only backwards”

“Nuff?” exclaimed Shamus “fairy Nuff”

“Oh no another day added”

“Sorry lass”

They sat starring at each other not knowing what to say next.

“This new manager of fairy resources is who?”

“Rebboc, now chief fairy Rebboc”.

“Ginger Rebboc the Queen of the fairies chamber pot emptier?”

“Yes, but we have had a few changes since then. We no longer have a Queen but a board of directors, who answer to the Chief executive.”

“And the Queen of the fairies is the Chief Executive I suppose?” inquired Shamus.

“No she is the Honorary President, the Chief executive is revered fairy Reggid.”

“Well she is no better I remember her as the Fairy Queens Knickers washer.” Shamus huffed.

“So how did all this come about?” he asked

“Have you heard of Investors in Fairies?”

Shamus shook his head.

“ISO 9000”

Shamus shook his head again

“Value for money, Key performance indicators, Bench marking, Targeting, Staff reporting, annual reports, bull park figure, going forward going forward, bonus culture, in the loop?”

Shamus kept shaking his head

“Well its going to take ages to explain this lot and not worth the effort if you possess too much common-sense.”

“OK” said Shamus “We now know that some tossers run fairyland, how they managed it is of no consequence, what are we going to do about it?”

“I don't know that's why I'm here.”

“How come you were banished?”

“I don't know, I have always done my best, done as I was told, but when I applied for Euro Disney, it all went wrong. I was set up for failure, bullied, and everything I did was found fault in, eventually banished for querying an expenses claim for a second home and wide screen fortune teller.”

“Oh dear” Said Shamus” what a state of affairs, You can stay for a short while, only until things improve but not too long.”

“Well you could help me get back to Fairyland, that would be the logical thing to do”.

“Hum” snorted Shamus” it will be a lot harder than you think unless”

“Unless what”

Shhhh I'm thinking”

“What about”

“Shhhh I said”

“Hum a thought shared is a thought something”

“Shhh” shouted Shamus

Shamus crossed his legs under him put a finger in his ear and with the other hand stroked his beard. It was suppose to help concentration.

“We could do a reversal spell” suggested Shamus

“Great where do we start”

“Its not that easy, you can not do anything wrong or nasty, and I can  do nothing  but good. So we have to find something good that is wicked or I have to do something wicked that is good.”

“Where is your gold”

“What has that to do with it, concentrate on the problem ahead fairy”

“Just wondered why all is black”

“Just concentrate airhead”

“Why is it so black”

“For the sake of gold, shut up up up”

“Where is the gold?”

“If you must know my rainbow is broken, so I had to put it into a Bank for safe keeping.”

“Well I can fix Rainbows, if that helps.”

“That's it begorra, that's it, broomsticks”

“Broomsticks?”

“Shut up fairy this is what we can do, It all hinges on Halloween, and if it works those other fairies will be ousted you will be welcomed back into fairyland. Then you can fix my Rainbow, OK?

“OK what do we have to do?”

They selected a small rural town and together one chanting forward the other backward reversed Halloween for the children of the town.

Next day the town hall was full, every one was talking at once.

“Order Order” shouted the mayor banging his gavel on the tabletop.

“Mrs Brown you have the floor”

“Thank you your honour. As I was saying Johnny Jenkins offered to help me across the road. He did not want paying just wanted to do a good turn. Then he smiled at me, not sticking out his tongue or spitting just smiled, it was frightening, hideous, sinister even “

“Well Mrs Brown that is very odd for the Jenkins boy” said the Mayor

“What about me” said Mrs Quail from the sweet shop. “ They all came in from school offered to pay a penny more than the sweets cost because they were so good. They never stole any, licked them, or moved the price labels. Even worse they all said please and thank you before leaving. We counted the takings for the day and nothing was stolen in fact we were 5 p up on trading. Frightening, hideous, sinister even or worse.

“What about me” said the window cleaner “ they gathered round the bottom of the ladder and handed me a bucket of clean warm water. Normally they would put a frog in the bucket or mud, the horrors have been known to pee in it. They were as nice as pie and offered to hold my ladder in place instead of kicking the bottom away when I am up it. Frightening, Hideous, sinister or worse.”

Everyone in the town complained how well behaved the children were and how frightening, hideous and sinister it all was.

“We want protection for tonight” they all chanted.

The mayor was lost for words or what to do, he had himself seen children acting goodly with random acts of kindness and resolved to lock himself in doors with the lights off Halloween night.

“We want protection“ we want protection“ we want protection” they all chanted.

After a long deliberation the Mayor spoke solemnly, “we have no Army, Territorial or otherwise they are abroad. The police station was closed, sorry, reassigned last year. The local bobby tours the area once every eight months unless despatched to assist in record keeping. So we can not call them out. We could swear in Special constables to patrol Halloween, if I can call for a show of hands?”

No one put their hand up, no one was brave enough to face all the children that had become suddenly organised and acting “GOOD”.

“Well” said the Mayor “it is up to ourselves to help each other. We must all keep the lights on, if a light goes out we report it to the neighbours and we all go round and help. So keep by the phone, listen to the local radio station, log on to the local parish web site, and keep torches, Kendal Mint Cake, Map and Thermos of hot tea ready, with luck we may survive what has been planned.”

That night the children went to bed early, kissed their parents goodnight, knelt by the bed, said their prayers, and said God bless Mummy and Daddy then climbed into bed. It was frightening hideous and sinister. Never in the history of town matters had so many been so scared by so few.

Next morning the children woke bright and cheery looking forward to the day ahead, The parents were a group of neurotic, psychologically challenged, shattered, and exhausted wrecks.

The following day a rainbow appeared in the sky, and two fairies were sent to a penal colony in Australian and every time their names were said backward an extra day was added to their penal servitude. Many more days are being added this very day, as those down under are fond of the words Digger and Cobber.

Just outside the small town of Blarney a short green gentleman withdrew his savings from the bank.

The effect of which was a run on the bank of Northern Rock. All the clever people lost all their money, stocks fell, and the poor people heard of the words Bonus culture, and expenses.

However the effect of reverse jinxing did cause a stranger phenomenon, England won the Ashes.