Honourable sweepers

A disgruntled council worker on being sacked recommended all road sweepers have the same pay and privileges as MPs. As the recommendation was hidden deep in the boring text of a report no one noticed and it was unanimously passed.

Junior council officials not questioning the report, implemented it fully.

Road sweepers were awarded £86,000 pay and expenses. Realising that they would only be employed for 5 years before re-election, the sweepers set about securing their future. Future pay would be as recommended by a pay review body, set up by the sweepers. There would be no upper limits to pay, and as the review body would be rewarded for how much they can get away with, a good pay deal would be guaranteed.

With no need to work, litter built up on the streets. The honourable sweepers spent their time at home claiming for expenses including meals, heating, lighting and all the latest gadgets for an office at home.

More litter built up on the streets and the council demanded action.

The Honourable sweepers now known as HS's decided to find out where the litter was coming from, and employed consultants,(claimed for under expenses). These consultants found a number of fast food establishments in the area, and were a major contributing factor. The HS's called a meeting with the food retailers. The food retailers listened to the concerns, and offered directorships of their companies with generous expenses to the HS's.

Litter continued to build up.

The council threatened the HS's either they remove the litter or? There was no or that the council could enforce, So the council appealed to the good side of the HS's. This worked, as vanity and self respect had replaced duty and hard work. The HS's employed sweepers, which they claimed for as unforeseen expenses.

The litter was at last being removed by Migrant workers, working for less than the minimum wage. Sadly it did not last as the people wanted to stop immigration. All migrant workers were arrested and deported, litter returned with vengeance.

The council employed a litter Czar. The Czar took his job seriously and classified litter into categorise of seriousness. For example chewing gum was a class A litter, Crisp packets class B because it could not be recycled. Failed lottery tickets were class D because they naturally decayed.

The HS's were offered a bonus for cleaning all class A ,B,and C class litter. The HS's were allowed to prosecute any one caught throwing litter, and fined severely. Any profit from prosecution was kept by the HS's. War on litter was launched. Litter was extremely profitable, and too good to stop completely. Sadly the amount of litter, far from diminishing had increased.

The council informed the Honourable sweepers that their contract would not be renewed, and they would not be elevated to the house of Lords unless litter actually reduced.

If the litter was reduced they may be rewarded with a new contract. During the negotiation the Honourable Sweepers promised to tackle the litter it they were first elevated to Right Honourable sweeper status. Which they reluctantly were.

The Right Honourable sweepers decided that sweeping was a pointless method of reducing litter as it still had to be disposed of. They found a company that made robotic vacuum cleaners. These robots operated day and night, patrolling designated areas, continually removing litter, and disposing of it. A contract was signed with the robot manufacturer, the cost being a new expense was claimed from the council.

These robots are in operation today, and use a vast amount of power. When all the robots return to base for recharging they can overload the national electricity grid and cause serious outages.


That is the root cause of the power cuts, not under investment over years of miss rule.

have a cautious Christmas

Have a cautious Christmas

make sure you don't slip

there is no hospital transport

for a broken hip

taxis are hospital transport

charging hundred pounds a trip




stay at home this Christmas

the safest thing to do

with hospitals full of COVID

and the latest strain of flu

only airport trains are running

to the Christmas getaway queue




energy is so expensive

with a hike in gas and oil

sprouts are served medium rare

with a ten hour boil

the presents follow fashion

of bobble hats and tin foil

Nightingasle

 

Nightingale hospitals remember them?

This is where the government hired venues that could not be use due to lockdown, from Tory donors, at inflated prices. The government then spent a stonking fortune equipping them, knowing there would never be the staff to operate them.

Eventually they were gutted and used as vaccination centres.

When found to be far too costly, refurbished and handed back to the Tory donor to run as entertainment venues.

All the expensive equipment scrapped.

The reason for this waste of taxes? Because China built and operated a huge hospital in 7 days. A Johnson vanity project.

Today hospitals can not discharge patients that have no after care. Residential homes have closed due to killing occupants by sending infected patients there. Insurance companies will not take the risk and homes can not operate without insurance. Homes will not take NHS patients.

We need convalescent hospitals like we use to have. Dare I say nightingale convalescent homes with staff!

I'm a numpty get me out of here.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to our first series of I'm a numpty get me out of here. The format is similar to another well known programme but we do not use celebrities or wannabees. We cater for the messed up going down hill weirdos, that think we owe them a living.




Our first contestant is Brian (not his real name). He donated £60 to Tory party funds and received a contract worth £500,000 for PPE. His company never stocked PPE knew anything about it, or set up for handling equipment. They bought the equipment for £200,000 off eBay with free postage. The profit went undeclared for tax. Brian will donate all his payments from I'm a Numpty, to a charity for reoffenders. His task tonight is to crawl through an ants nest. Don't you just love the sound of screaming.




Next up is Betty (not her real name). Betty helped to set up Track and Trace, charged three times the going rate for consultancy but a friend of Dido. Her payments will go towards numeracy disabled. The task on the card put your hand in a tub of leaches and leave for the duration of the show. Not much in the way of screaming but good visual effects as the skin tone pales.




The last contestant is Matt Hancock, this is his real name. He set up illegal contract procedures to assist his friends thus swindling the tax payer out of billions. Allegedly not accountable for risking lives of front line care workers with poor PPE, excessive working regimes and no backup. Did clap for NHS when film crews were about. Throws himself at every camera, and brought down by one he forgot was there. Known as the granny killer, decimated care homes, and crippled the NHS. His boss Boris Johnson knew how totally incompetent he was. His excuse for the excess deaths is sheer incompetence not corporate manslaughter. He will make a donation to a dyslexia charity, allegedly, and is championing their cause, even if they do not want to be tarred with his reputation.

The task on the card is to be lowered into a snake pit... Wait there has been a change of plan. Due to audience participation the audience want to choose the task. He is to be locked in a torture chamber with relatives of the dead that he was responsible for. They can use whatever they like and for as long as it takes, working day and night, in a robust, and dedicated way.

I'm sorry Matt I can't let you out, I can not open the door

Numpty employment agency

Overheard One side of a conversation




“Good morning Numpty employment agency Chiron speaking how can I help you?

You want us to find you a cabinet of Ministers, have you read our terms and conditions,

You have, good the payment will be upfront in either US Dollars or Euro's.

Sorry we do not accept pounds sterling at the moment.

I know you have loads of them but we do not take Roubles

when do you want the cabinet by? Within 24 hours, that will attract a premium and payment in USA Dollars only. Do you wish to continue?




Good I'll need a few details Name please. Sunak with a K, any other names you are known by?
Apart from backstabber do you have a first name? 

So Mr Rishi Sunak do you want your cabinet experience or fresh at the game , bearing in mind most MP's wont get out of bed for less than £90,000 and an MP's pay is £80,000. Experienced cabinet members will have collected some directorships of companies, advisers commissions and lobbying wages. Fresh MP's will not know these yet, and think a cabinet job is only £40,000 pay rise, so between one and ten, one being new to the job and ten highly corrupt. Seven, we can do a seven no problem.




Again one to ten, common-sense to blue sky thinking. Not quite sir we put Grease Mogg as away with the fairies, unless you want him in a cabinet? Quite agree best not, and another seven for you, would you take one with common sense? No problem , so on second thoughts its an eight for that.




One to ten, independent thinking, to do as they are told. That will be a nine for that then. I know we haven't asked you about loyalty as we are dealing with MP's. I am sure loyalty has to be earned, you have to give them something in return. We could do an appearance of loyalty if you wish. You want a ten for that, and why not!




One to Ten knowledge of the department, like a doctor running the NHS, One being highly proficient and ten just signing red boxes? A ten for, OK nine and a half don't want them too much out of their depth.






One to Ten, balance, black lesbian to white male heterosexual, seven for that




One to Ten, again on balance scientific to banking, a nine for that, and only if they got a degree for science but worked for finance.




One to Ten, empathy one feels the pain of the voters in hard times, to ten couldn't give a monkeys. Ten for that then




One to Ten, slogans to substance and a one for that




lastly Ministers without portfolio, those that you want in your cabinet as its too dangerous to leave them out sort of Chris Grayling type of thing, can't run a piss up but good in a party. No Grayling but you want Gavin Williamson, and Nadhim Zahawi, they know too much about past scandals to leave out.

Thank you for your custom a full list of the cabinet will be with your office in time for the six o'clock news.

Have a nice day, sorry some one on the other line, thank you again any time.




Kier nice to hear from you , and you want some clowns for a Halloween party, Scary or funny? Oh that's a pity we have just contracted out our scariest of clowns, they will be available in less than two years I should think, but not this Halloween. Thanks for calling

matter machine

Those masters of science

and technology

have produced a matter machine

so all matter is free




all matter can be collected

from the colectinary

a word used by GW Bush

in his dictionary




the replicators will be local

not more than a mile away

although everything is free

for being local you must pay




then there is a fee for insurance

against failure and disruption

what us all folks remember

and still call corruption




there is of course a tariff

it is what tariffs are for

politicians keeping control

to engage in trading war




there is customs and excise duty

a simple donation

you can't control smuggling

without this creation




there must be corporation tax

accountants all agree

to stimulate the slush fund

in tax havens over seas




there is a new matter tax, distribution tax

and local taxes where you 're at

royalties for the copyright

and not forgetting Vat




alas the idea is wound up

and the scientist gone to ground

for a wooden spoon you make for free

will now cost five thousand pound

Peter Principle: When People Get Promoted Into Maximum Incompetence