seven minute play

Sc.01 INT INSIDE THE PUBLIC BAR OF THE DUKE OF YORK - DAY

Bob is sitting on the stool at the bar. His walking sticks are hooked on the rail. He has four glasses of brandy in front of him. He is looking for some one.

He looks up in recognition and waves. Steve joins him at the bar. They shake hands.

Steve sits on the vacant stool. Bob passes a glass of brandy towards Steve.

Steve             Bit early for me thanks, how are you doing? Sorry I couldn’t make the funeral. You know how it is these days.

Bob               I understand, thanks for coming today I know how busy you are

Steve            I heard it was a good send off

Bob              How long have we known each other? Forty years, ever since we were at school. It’s hard; I really miss her you know.

Steve           I know

Bob              Now the kids have gone, no children around the house, we were looking forward to our time again. Time to be together, close, do what we want; now it’s all gone.

Steve            I know

Bob               Are you and Marjorie close, you know, not bothered with protection, pills and stuff?

Steve           A bit personal!

Bob              Well are you using protection.

Steve           No, not now, too old for that.

Bob             Still close?

Steve          Of course we are. Still married, still, well expressing our feelings.

Bob  takes a drink of brandy from one of the glasses.

Bob            Barbara was raped.

Steve        what!

Bob          Yes, raped while I was in Brussels.

Steve       Where?

Bob          At the school. That PE teacher Jeffers, he raped her in the gym, in broad daylight during the lunch break. She screamed but no one came. Would you believe it, a fellow teacher? How can the children learn respect?

Steve        Did she report it?

Bob           Oh yes, did it by the book, went to the police, had the medical, swabs, and the humiliation. But they didn’t prosecute. You know they even said that if she told the school she could get done for malicious behaviour unless they had a good case.

Steve          Well did they have a case?

Bob              No they said her bruising was not enough to show a real struggle.

Steve           Did she tell you?

Bob              Oh yes, when we were driving back from the airport. She was upset, didn’t want to talk, but I pestered her. She told me in the car. I was more concerned about her than the road, and well, that was the cause of the accident.

Steve             I’m sorry I never knew.

Bob                Three months in a coma, but I could hear her voice. Talking to me every day, telling me she loved me, she cried a lot. I came back because of her, didn’t let go. She stood by me throughout the stay in hospital, every day of the eighteen months she visited. Then!

Steve           Must be tough

Bob              Tough, she killed her self, the day before I was to be released from hospital. I never had a chance to be, close.

Steve            We feel for you, Marjorie and I.

Bob              Do you now.

                     You see she wrote a note. Twenty-seven pages why. You get a mention. She was depressed had all the facts from the police and hospital, still in her night-dress.

                     What was it Steve, too much boob showing, Marjorie not that rounded, not big enough for you?

Steve            Look

Bob               No you look, you forced your way in, forced yourself on her. She let it happen. Never moved, she just cried. Not very satisfying was it not what you expected?

Steve             It

Bob                It was like that, it’s in the note. She trusted you, you were friends, all those years, and you.

                     Well you: how could you.

Steve            But

Bob               Don’t but, Steve. It wasn’t because of that, you were not the reason. It was Jeffers he was the reason. He has HIV she had results from the hospital that she had full blown AIDS.

Bob slides the remaining two glasses of brandy to Steve.

Bob                 Here, you have them, tell Marjorie I am really sorry, she doesn’t deserve it.

                      Goodbye Steve

Bob swivels off the stool collects his walking sticks and staggers out the bar.

End

tales from the long bar- O'Mally in the dock

Doherty and Cromwell entered the bar

“Things don't look too good, the usual for yur self and Cromwell I take it.?” Asked Pat

“Aye .” said Doherty

“Here read this to O'Dell, while I pour your pint.”

“What's this O'Dell?” asked Doherty

“It's a letter, to me , personal like.”

“It'll be a scam, ditch it.” said Doherty

“No, No, No, it was not on a computer but came through the mail. How can it be a scam if not through a computer.”

“The post is what they used before they got technical. Did you look at the envelope first? This has a postal stamp for Nigeria, do you know any one in Nigeria?”

“No, but I might do.”

“More know Tom Fool, than Tom Fool knows.” said Doherty

“Well I don't.”

“Don't what?”

“Know Tom Fool.” said O'Dell

“The Eircode is wrong. E93 not F93. It's a wonder it ever found you.”

“Just my thoughts, you know there was no postage on it. I had to pay a euro to have the letter,”

“What kind of eejit is that.”

“The sender, aye, not getting my address right, then not paying postage. So, thinks I, they could be related.”

“This is a scam a bad one at that, listen to this. If you break the chain of contact nothing but bad luck will follow. You must list three people you know, and that you want good fortune for, to keep the power of the scroll. It lists those that broke the chain and had ill fortune. Here's a good one Alfred Einstein, I assume is suppose to be Albert, failed to find the theory he was looking for, and spent all his life wasted looking for a theory he couldn't explain. I assume you have to forget the theories he did come up with. All scientist are for ever searching, there is never going to be an answer to a question just another question.

Here's another Napoleon, failed to keep the chain going and was defeated in battle of Agincourt.

And this one Nell Gwynn executed with the Guillotine.

Robert the Bruce burnt the cakes! Henry the sixth had eight wives! It's utter tosh the lot of it. Written by a total eejit.” said Doherty

“So they could be related.” said O'Dell

“I hope you didn't call the premium line number?”

“No, not yet, I am out of credits on the phone.”

“Well this is what I think of your Nigerian friend.”

“You can't do that, you can't rip up some ones mail, Doherty.”

“For your own good O'Dell, and for the poor unsuspecting that will be named by you to keep the thing going.” said Doherty

“Who would you name,O'Dell, if allowed to.”asked Doherty

“Well, obviously you Doherty, but why I don't know, as you is ungrateful. Then there is Pat, and O'Mally, who actually needs some luck, if you had not forgotten.”

“I had not forgotten, but you had. I didn't see you in court. Obviously Pat couldn't, but they read out his character reference.”

“So that is Cromwell then not one of your puppies.”

“Of course it's Cromwell, you eejit, when did you see a puppy this old and crotchety.”

“Well, you said they was leaping ahead in growth, and one was mega hairy, I never assumed that Cromwell would take to being with any one, except O'Mally. So how come he is with you.”

“O'Mally asked me to look out for the dog if the worst happens, and it has.”

“Oh what happen in court?” asked Pat

“It didn't start well, and seem to go down hill there after.” said Doherty. “ O'Mally should have gone to the circuit court and had a jury try him, but he was persuaded to go with the District court and the judge only. It didn't stop the court having a smartyarse prosecutor. O'Mally was a lamb to the slaughter. First they told him to read the card and swear the oath. To which he says he didn't have his reading glasses. So they read the card out and he repeated the words. Then they read the charge. That he wilfully killed and dispose of, a protected bird of prey, how did he plea. To which O'Mally said it was very difficult for him, as it could be said, he did it, but on the other hand, it was not that wilful, so he is not really guilty or innocent. The prosecutor said did you kill the bird? And O'Mally says no not killed, put it out of its misery,

At this point the judge seemed to be quite reasonable and asked O'Mally to explain in his own words what happened and he would decide if he was guilty or innocent. And yer man O'Mally agreed. O'Mally said he was returning home after a fishing expedition when he heard a bird in distress screeching. So he goes to investigate and finds a peregrine falcon caught in a gin trap.

He then goes on to say how diabolical a gin trap is and how he would never use one.

The prosecutor said he was a poacher and illegally fishing and setting traps for rabbits as he has been prosecuted for poaching before.

Not this time, says O'Mally, he was fishing for sport with a rod and line. He says it is just this sort of accusation that made him act hasty. The bird was in distress and dying horribly, he could not continue to listen to the poor creature in so much pain, so put it out of his misery. He could of left the body in the trap, but it would be a terrible sight to come across, for a child going to school. For decency, he decided to remove the bird.

When he got the bird home, he was overwhelmed by the beauty of such a fine beast. It would be a shame to loose such beauty, so he decided to skin it, stuff and mount it, having done some taxidermy when a young lad. This left the problem of the meat. With the world resources stretched, it would be criminal to throw the flesh away, so he cooked it up, and fed it to the dog.

At this point the judge seemed sympathetic, and could see O'Mally's dilemma. He said he had a mind to be lenient with him under the circumstances. So before he passed the sentence the judge wondered if O'Mally actually tasted the meat before feeding the dog. O'Mally said just like you, your honour, He did had that niggling curiosity, and admitted he did taste the meat. So what did it taste like asked the judge. O'Mally said it was difficult to describe for it was not too tough. There was a sweetness and a touch of bitterness to it, it would be difficult to compare it to another meat.

Try your best said the judge. And O'Mally says it was not like chicken, or duck. It was milder than goose. On reflection he said, it was a bit like swan.

At that the judge threw a wobbly and sentenced him to the maximum of three months.

And I have Cromwell here, for three months also.”

“How is Cromwell doing with the puppies?” asked 'Dell

“A real softy. One of the pups has the same markings as him, but huge feet.”

“That's the thing with pups, they grow into their feet, the bigger the feet the bigger the dog. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't grow to Cromwell's size if they have humungus feet.” said O'Dell

“Where is he sleeping?” asked Pat

“In the porch with the puppy's at the moment, but he seems to be happy there. He has a mind to bark and bare his teeth, if some one comes to the door, but that has only happened the once. Come to think about it we have had very few callers recently.”

tales from the long bar- Lobsters

Doherty entered the bar.

“You look like you could do with a drink.” Said Pat “What's happened?”

“Don't ask.” said Doherty

“But I think he just did.” said O'Dell

Cromwell the Irish wolfhound moved from his normal spot, under the table, and sniffed Doherty's leg. For some strange reason Doherty stroked the dog affectionately.

“Hey, Doherty has touched your dog, O'Mally.” said Pat

“It wasn't my fault, the dog was provoked.” Said O'Mally “How many fingers did he take off?”

Cromwell sat by Doherty quiet and well behaved.

“My goodness, looks like Cromwell likes Doherty. What have you done?” asked O'Mally

“Nothing, he just came up sniffed my leg, and sat there. Without thinking I stroked him. Look still have all my fingers.”

“But I thought you was a cat person, why has Cromwell suddenly taken a shine to you.” asked O'Mally

“I think I know, it could be the puppies.” said Doherty. "Siobhan brought them back from work.”

“At the bank!” exclaimed Pat

“Didn't I tell you she no longer works at the bank.” said Doherty. “twenty seven years service for the Irish Bank and just because some high up has lost squillions, the counter staff are being got rid of.”

“They call me tick, but even I can see that's stupid. How are they going to serve customers if no one is to serve them.” said O'Dell

“On line banking.” said Doherty

“No I can't see that,” said O'Dell “ I have a second hand computer at home and I can't see no slot for money.”

“You don't use money any more, it's all credit cards, Paypal, and Bacs.” said Doherty

“So lets see if I have this right.” said O'Dell “ I orders you all a drink, how much would that be Pat?”

“With O'Mally and an ashtray for Cromwell, that would be 13 Euro's.”

“So I says ,thank you Pat, put it on the slate and I'll pay at the end of the month by credit card. And you Pat, will say, thank you for doing business with me. Is that right Pat?”

“No, I say, don't be a fecking eejit, go to the hole in the wall and get me 13 Euro's, or you are barred.”

“Don't get a weegie on Pat, I was only saying hypochondria like. To prove a point.”

“Hypothetical, surely.” said Doherty

“No, this is between me, and Pat, as if it could happen.”

“What Doherty is trying to say is, hypochondria is not the right word, Hypothetical is what you should have used.” said Pat

“Is that so, mister socleversmartyarse, so what is the difference, Doherty?”

“If you are not ill, and think you are ill, that is Hypochondria, Hypothetical, is to suppose you are ill.”

“But I'm not ill.”

“Hypothetically you could be.” said Doherty

“But I was not talking about being Ill. I was talking about having money.” said O'Dell

“Hypothetical,” said Pat tossing his head back

“Forget that stuff, to get back to the point. Just suppose some one gives me ten euros.” said O'Dell

“Then you are short of three euros.” said Pat

“Forget the drinks, just say some one gives me ten euros and I want to pay O'Mally, and Doherty five euros each.”

“Simple O'Dell, you give me ten euros, and I give you 2 five euros so you can give them to O'Mally and Doherty.”

“But you are not a bank, Pat. I want to know what happens with a bank.”

“Well first you would have to have ten euros in the bank.” said Doherty “ then you could write a cheque, or go to the hole in the wall to get cash and pay them.”

“That's the point.” Said O'Dell “How do I get the ten euros in the bank in the first place?”

“Well you would need an account.” said Doherty “then you could get paid into the bank by cheque of Bacs transfer.”

“But what if I is given, a ten euro note. How do I pay that in?”

“But you don't have a bank account.” said Pat “have you ever been into a bank?”

“Not yet. I haven't the need too. And if you can't pay money in, I don't think I ever will.”

“Don't worry O'Dell on the left as you walk in there is an emergency box. Behind the glass is a human. In an emergency, you break the glass, and a cashier will emerge to sell you a PPI.” said Pat

“Would I need a PPEI, what ever, for 10 euros.”

“Forget it O'Dell, we were having you on. Now Doherty, where is Siobhan working now.” asked Pat

“At the cattery.”

“The cattery is it, it's a wonder Cromwell didn't have your leg off.” said O'Mally

“Well my Siobhan is standing at the entrance to the cattery talking to the vet, when a boy racer in daddies toy, comes speeding round the corner, and hits a sheep dog. The car doesn't stop, just leaves the poor wee thing to die in the gutter. Luckily the vet is at hand, and although he can't save the dog, he manages to deliver a litter of puppies. Odd looking brood, collie cross some huge hairy mutt. The vet says they need to be fed goats milk, and Siobhan like a eejit says her cousin Fergus has goats. They hand the lot over to her, to look after. When the are grown, the cattery will home them, allegedly.”

“That's mighty good of the cattery.” said O'Dell

“It would be mighty good if the cattery kept them, how can we keep six puppies in our small house. The porch is covered in newspaper and stinks to high heaven. No one in there right mind would keep a puppy.”

“My dad bred dogs, we always had puppies under foot.” said O'Dell

“Well I refer the honourable gentleman to my previous statement.” said Doherty.

“what's that suppose to mean?” said O'Dell

“Stop playing with the man,” said Pat ”It's bad for customer relations.”

The phone rings

“Long bar, Buncranna.” Said Pat “ he is that. Uhu, I will that, no problem. And to you, and thank you sir.”

“That sheep dog, didn't have a brown patch on her face by any chance?” asked O'Mally

“I think so, Siobhan said, it seems to have come from Cutters farm.”

“I know that dog, canny wee thing.” said O'Mally.”It was making life unbearable when in season, had to keep Cromwell locked up. But he can always get out when he has a mind to. I wondered why it had gone quiet like. You know some owners have no control over their dogs.”

“And you have?” asked Doherty

“Master and slave me and Cromwell.”

Cromwell look up in disbelief at his slave

“That was the Garda on the phone. Gard McPhee asking about you Doherty, and you has a pint in store behind the bar, with his thanks.” said Pat

“What the.” said O'Mally “Has you turned police informer Doherty.”

“I know what that is for.” said Doherty

“Well is you going to keep it to yourself, or tell us?” said O'Mally

“I've a mind to keep it to my self.”

“See you.” said O'Mally “That's just like you, has us on tenter hooks, with some real gossip then, goes off on one, like a hermit.”

“What happens between, the law abiding and the Garda is state secret.” said Doherty tapping the side of his nose.

That's huparthetical or what ever,” said O'Dell

“Well as you seem so interested and I know you can keep a secret I'll tell yoos.” said Doherty

they all leaned toward Doherty, while he took a drink of the dark stuff.

“Well come on.” Said O'Mally

“What “said Doherty

“You was going to tell us something.” said O'Mally

“Tell you what?” said Doherty

“Go on stop teasing them Doherty.” said Pat

“Well as you know, I have to get a regular supply of goats milk from Fergus. So at the end of fishing, I call in at Portsalon to pick up the milk from Fergus, and Pay him in kind. There am I tying up at the steps, at Fanad Way when up top appears McPhee and this weasel. As it happens the weasel is the fishery office on secondment from Dundalk, due to receiving death threats. So he gets protection from the Garda to do his duty, and McPhee has to protect the weasel. I could see he was not enjoying it, as he had a face like a slapped cat. So the weasel asks why is a Buncranna boat landing fish at Portsalon, it must be black fish. And I says I was not landing fish, only collecting some milk.

Well the weasel goes into full Euro bureaucratic mode and demands I land the fish for inspection. So I hump all the fish to the top of the jetty and he pours over every one with his gauge checking on size. Then he says is that all I have to land. And I says that's all the fish I have. Then he hears some tapping coming from the boat, and goes down to investigate. He opens my metal, come in handy box, and pulls out two lobsters. Well he is beside himself with joy, as he has found shell fish on board and I am not licensed to catch shell fish. So quick as a flash I says they are not catch they are pets.

Pet Lobster says he, and I says yes they are. Then I have to explain to the eejit. I asked him if he knew what a sheep dog was.

Yes he says, they are used to herd sheep.

Well says I, them lobsters are my sheep dogs for the water. I send them off to find a shoal of fish, and they drive them back to the net, directed by my silent whistle. Well he doesn't believe me. So I offer to demonstrate. I take the lobsters from him and put them back in the water, and off they shoot into the deep.

We stand on the steps awhile looking out to sea, and he says aren't you going to whistle. And I says why should I whistle. To bring your lobsters back says he. What lobsters says I.

McPhee is up top wetting himself with laughter.”

“Aren't you worried the Fishery man will take against you?” Asked O'Mally

“I think he will be long gone by now, even Dandalk will be more preferable once the story gets out.”

“How will the story get out?” asked O'Dell

“Well McPhee knows the story, and I have told you all in strictest confidence, as a secret, so by the morn it will be known on both sides of the Swilly.”

“Your pint,” said Pat “a well earned pint at that.”

tales form the long bar - a life changing event

O'Mally and Cromwell entered the bar..

“Yes Pat”

“Whal'll it be O'Mally” said Pat

“Usual for Cromwell and I think I'll have some thing different.”

“Brave, for some one your age.” said Doherty

“Well if you must know, I watched the television last night, and they were advertising a new beer from those that make the dark stuff.”

“Oh a television, is it, that you have?” said Doherty “And I bet you paid the 160 euros for the licence.”

“Well I was borrowing it at the time, it being portable. As it is not mine, in my house I don't need a licence.”

“Is that so. I thought that the licence was for the house, not the number of sets or types. So if you is watching TV without a licence, you is breaking the law. and will go directly to hell, with all the adverts that you may have missed.” said Doherty

“Ah well that being the case I'll just hand it back I've seen what I wanted to see. Have you seen the channels of kack they is showing. No incentive to buy a licence.” said O'Mally

“So what was the new beer?” asked Doherty

“Can't remember, but all the smart folks are drinking it.”

“Pat what's that new beer?”

“Dunno, it's not Dublin here you know. I'll let you know when we get it. If you are still alive. So for the time being, and the next forty years what'll you be havin?”

“May as well stick with the double X.”

O'Dell entered

“I see you is all drinking, tis a pity as I was in a mood to treat yusall “ Said O'Dell “So I'd just be havin the usual then Pat.”

“And why would you be treatin usall?” asked Doherty

“Cos I have got me self a JOB.” said O'Dell “”with wages.”

“Holiday pay, sickness, and pension.”asked Doherty

“Not yet its only 16 hours a week, at present, but once they see me at work, it will come, all the perks. Sure they not wish to loose such an asset.”

“ I've had loads a jobs in my time.” said O'Mally “two timing some firms, I was so good at it.”

“Is that what they call multitasking,” asked Pay trying not to laugh

“Don't be daft multitasking is what women do,” said Doherty “yer man can't drink and think.”

“Yes I can.” said O'Mally

“Prove it.” said Doherty “Now I can't hear you thinking, so to be fair, you must say what your thinking, while taking a drink. An if you is talking and drinking, at the same time mind, I'll buy you a pint, if you can't, you buy me a drink.”

“Yer on.” said O'Mally reaching for his pint. “Now what I is thinking is this...splutter splutter splutter.”

Doherty and Pat roll around laughing. O'Mally looks down at his front, all covered in Porter.

“Ruined my best sweater.” said O'Mally “Yoos knew that would happen, fine friends I've got. All ways there to take the proverbial, but never there when needed.”

“Ungrateful old bugger.” said Doherty “ when, weren't we there for you then?

“When I was burgled.”

“When was that? I don't remember you being burgled” Said Doherty

“That was before Cromwell.”said O'Mally “It was the burglary that made me think about my safety, I have not been burgled since Crommie came to protect me. He's like a coiled spring that dog, waiting to pounce on undesirable. Your a good boy.”said O'Mally turning to face the dog. Cromwell was sleeping.

“well any way, I came home from the bookies only to find the place burgled.”

“How did you know you was burgled?” said Doherty

“Obvious the place was turned over, everything was all over the floor.”

“Right, but how did you know it was burglary? Your floor is always full of stuff, only use the cupboard when the floor's full, ain't that right O'Mally?” said Doherty

“Well if you must know, the drawers were empty and tipped upside down on the floor.”

“Did you loose anything, did you know what was missing?” asked O'Dell

“As far as I can tell they was looking for summat but they couldn't find it.”

“Now why doesn't that surprise me.”said Doherty

“That's it, my so called friend, laugh. You are just like Riley, He kept laughing when taking the details.”

“Riley?” said Pat

“The one before, the one before, the one before Gard McPhee.” said O'Dell being helpful.

“So if nothing was taken, and they couldn't find anything. Why burgle you. What was you hiding? Asked Pat.

“Well there's the thing, I think it was a warning. I told Riley I thought it was a warning. But he said he had no reports of Mr Neat and Tidy warning scruffy Herbert's to put away there socks or else. He thought he had a sense of humour, but I was traumatised I've never been able to hold down a job since.”

“But you was unemployed when you was burgled.” said O'Dell

“Oh don't you know O'Dell, Yer man was suffering pre-trauma syndrome. Knowing he would eventually get traumatised, the body goes into shock in anticipation. It makes the victim incapable of work or a normal life.” said Doherty.

“Oh, I didn't know that.” said O'Dell “ You know loads of stuff Doherty.”

“He's havin yer on.” said Pat “there's no such thing as pre trauma syndrome.”

“But O'Mally was burgled. Surely there would be all the stress, before and after.” said O'Dell

It was time for all, to finish their drinks in silence.

“Same again Pat.” said Doherty “Maybe O'Dell here, could treat us, now he has joined the working class.”

“Oh aye.” said O'Dell “You'll have to put it on the slate till pay day.”

“Only Joking.” said Doherty “Give O'Dell a fresh one, And top O'Mally up, he looks like he could do with de-traumatising.”

“Well O'Dell, you never told us what your life changing job was?” said Doherty

“I'm taking over from Flanagan, now he's been injured.”

“Postie?” said Pat

“No that was ages ago. He was attacked by a dog and was in hospital for months, he was a dustman.” Said Doherty

“No that was before traffic warden.” Said O'Mally “He slipped a disc, with the bins, and was laid off for months.”

“He lost his job as traffic warden, when they ran over his foot.” said O'Dell “He's only had this job a week, but is now in hospital.”

“So what was he doing?” said O'Mally

“Dog Warden.”

Cromwell woke up, and snared.

“You a D person?” said O'Mally trying not to mention the word.

“I start Monday, but it's nothing like you think. I just check for them for chips.”

“Dogs are not suppose to have potatoes.” said O'Mally

“Don't be daft man.” said Doherty “He means identification chips. You have a scanner, and it tells you, who owns the dog.”

“How do you mean?” said O'Mally

“It's a bit like the bar code in the supermarket. Instead of telling you the price, it tells you the name and owner.”said Doherty

“You has a poor opinion of me, Doherty but this time, I know you are telling porkies. I've been to Dunnes and I've never seen them putting as dog through the till.”

“It's a hand held device, they find a stray, scan it, to see if they can find the owner. If its not chipped, they take the dog to the pound. Isn't that right O'Dell.”

“So, what dog, would you do that to?” asked O'Mally

“ A stray, a dangerous dog.” O'Dell was aware Cromwell was now inches from his ankle and growling.

“And who says if a dog is dangerous.” said O'Mally

“Well if it's not chipped, stray, or looks dangerous according to the Dog Warden.”

At the words Dog warden, Cromwell pounced and pinned O'Dell to the floor.

“When do you start.” asked O'Mally

“On second thoughts, I'll go back to the FAS office and see if the traffic warden job is still going.” said O'Dell, released from Cromwell's hold.

tales from the long bar - O'Mally's millions

“Drinks all round, they're on me.” shouted O'Mally entering the bar.

The customers called Pat from the lounge and placed their orders.

“Right lads, there you are, now who's payin?”

“O'Mally” they all shouted.

“Give me them drinks back and no one touch a drop until you paid for it.” shouted Pat agitated

“You, O'Mally, I've a mind to ban you again you haven't been banned for almost a fortnight.”

“Now Pat, keep your hair on.”said O'Mally swaggering toward the bar. “I have here a notification.”

O'Mally searched his pockets and brought out a crumpled piece of paper. He smoothed it out on the bar.

“There Pat read what it says.”

“Where did you get this from, it doesn't look very professional, not what the lottery would send you.”

“And you would know would you Pat.”said O'Mally with an arrogant air.

“Well O'Mally I can tell what has been printed on a home computer, and not what is done professional like.”

“Well yes I did print it out but it was on my computer.”

“Your computer, yours.” said Doherty

“Yes mine, every one has a computer now a days.”

“Well I don't.” said Doherty

“Nuff said,” said O'Mally

“And where did you get a computer from O'Mally, If yoos has loads of cash you could start paying off your slate.” said Pat

“Well if you must know cousin Joe gave me it. He says it is a very secure computer you have to sign on as Simon Jenkinson then fill in the password. This is so no one can access it without your permission.”

“Unless your name is Simon Jenkinson, whose computer it probably is.” remarked Doherty

“Don't be daft.”said O'Mally. “Mind you if a Simon Jenkinson tried to steal it I'd soon tell the Garda.”

“I think you'll find cousin Joe stole it from Simon jenkinson.” said Pat

“You goin to tell the Garda Joe stole a computer?” Asked Doherty

“Spose not, blood's thicker than water.” said O'Mally

“Aye and nothing thicker than O'Mally blood, aint that right?” said Doherty “So what are you being notified of?”

“That I have won the post code lottery mega rollover prize. See there 1,654,000 euros. That's my post code, so I have won.”

“O'Mally's spelt wrong, they have O'Manny.” said Pat

“Its my post code.”

“Its also my post code and most in the bar, they haven't had a notification.”said Pat

“Well they probably didn't play.”

“Did you.”asked Doherty

“Well I must of done cos I won.”

“Well how much was the ticket?”asked Doherty

“I can't remember, must have had a few.”

“You can't remember buying a ticket, so how can you win?” asked Doherty

“There's loads of things you do on line that you can't remember.”

“Yes I heard about them from the confessional.” laughed Doherty

“What passes between a man and his confessor is private. Father Ambrose had no right telling you.”

“ He didn't,  I heard you. Just because father Ambrose is half deaf, its no need to tell those living in Kerry your confession. If you shouted any louder you'd lift the roof.”

“I pass father Ambrose my confession on a slip of paper.”said O'Dell being helpful.

“We know.” said Doherty “father Ambrose reads it out aloud at the top of his voice because he can't even hear him self talk.”

“It says here you have to phone the number to claim your prize. Its a premium rate number.”said Pat

“Well its a premium prize.”

“No you eejit, a premium number is one that cost you a euro a minute, They get the difference between the normal cost of a call and a euro, Its a scam. Look here you have to tell them your bank details so they can put it straight into your bank.”

“well I think that is good of them.”

“They are crooks.” said Doherty “ all they want is for you to stay on the phone for an hour listening to music while they clear out your bank account.”

“they can't do that, I'm overdrawn.”

“they will use your identity to raise a loan.” said Doherty.

“who would give me a loan?" said O'Mally

They all agreed he had a point, Of all the people to scam O'Mally was a stupid choice.

The bar door burst open and filling the space was Garda McPhee.

“Don't none of yoos move,” said McPhee “We are looking for a master criminal Simon Jenkinson. We know he's here. No use hiding him.”

“What's 'ee done, this master criminal?” asked Pat

“What hasn't he, more like it, money laundering, internet scamming, smuggling, in fact every thing from selling indulgences to bribery of the Pope. The man's flighty, but we know he is now operating from Buncrana.”

McPhee's radio burst into life

“Buncrana patrol this is Lifford control, priority secure message, over.”

“Control this is Buncrana patrol, Give me a few minutes I'm in the midst of felons.” replied McPhee. “don't none of yoos move. I shall be out side on the radio.”

“Well if only some one would have warned him, that the arch criminal is disguised as Shamus O'Mally.” laughed Pat

“Where you going O'Mally? You stay put until McPhee sees you. Don't want him going through the cellar do we.” Shouted Pat

The front door burst open “O'Mally, where is you?” shouted McPhee.

“I was just about to go to the loo, I'll be back in a few minutes. I think the cheese and onion crisps are off, and I don't feel too good." said O'Mally

“Is that so. Well I want a word with you, and it would be better said down the nick.”

“I'm amongst friend and innocent as driven sloe," said O'Mally

“Snow yer eejit” said McPhee

“what is.”

“Innocent as driven snow not sloe." said McPhee

“Oh is that so.” said O'Mally “As yoos has just said I am innocent, I'll be on my way, good day to you Garda McPhee.”

“You stay just where you are, I'll tell you what we know, and you can fill in the blanks.” said McPhee. “Joe O'Mally a relation of yours? Stole a computer from Simon Jenkinson. We were on to him, cos we were tracking Jenkinson internet footprint. Then suddenly the trail goes cold, and we suspect Joe has dumped the computer. Suddenly the computer burst into life and is now owned by Shamus O'Mally master criminal. So how much have you in your bank O'Mally.”

“What now?”

“Yes now.”

“At the moment I have an arrangement with the bank, when I get some money they can have it.”

“We saw you were heavily overdrawn until this evening, so how much do you have?”

“Less than nottin the Irish bank is banking with me, as I've nothing to give to them, at the moment.”

“So you can't explain, how your account balance is now 14 million euros.”

“I can explain that," said O'Mally “that will be a deposit from my friend General Nugomo, He's Nigerian you know. He asked if I could hold some money for him as his bank is not open, due to some corruption scandal. He asked me to look after his money for a few days, until the bank scandal has finished. I gave him my bank details, but never thought it would be that much.”

McPhee raised his eyes in disbelief.

“Is you really that thick O'Mally?  I've never come across such an eejit.”

“He is as thick as that, I can vouch for O'Mally's stupidity." said Pat

“OK.” said McPhee “You are given a stolen computer from your cousin Joe. You switch it on and it says Welcome Simon Jenkinson. Who do you think that is?”

“That's the name of the computer, they all have names, like Dell, or Mackintosh, This one is a Jenkinson.”

“Then the screen is prompted by asking you to sign in. and password. What do you put.”

“well obviously the computer is called Simon Jenkinson so I type in that. Then I type who I am and then it says confirm password. So I choose a word I can remember so I types in Cromwell after my dog. That seems to be just what the computer wants, then the computer asks for the bank details and name. So I put in my bank details and name. Then it asks do I want to consolidate to that. I type yes because I don't know what it means. I'm not stupid you know, I think its something to do with terms and conditions, that you have to say yes to. Then the screen fills with loads of numbers and things so I let it run and have a beer or two. Then I get two emails one from the lottery and one from my friend General Nugomo. The computer then say some alert so I switch it off. I know nothing about no scam or trafficking.”

McPhee laughs “ the techy people have tried everything to hack into that account they never thought about using two separate passwords. Jenkinson is a clever man no one but an eejit would type in one password then type a totally different one of eight letters. The computer is programmed to recognise a six letter word followed by a seven letter then an eight letter. Very clever, only an eejit would deliberately type it wrong. That computer is vital evidence, Would you like to assist the Garda with their enquiries, or spend years in clink?”

“I'm all for helping the Garda,” said O'Mally.

“Good man. Am I right to believe O'Mally was buying some drinks?” asked Mcphee

“He was that” said Pat

“Well at this moment he has money in his account. So if you are quick, you could take his card, and pay for all the drinks, a thousand euros should do it . Providing you remember mine is a crate of black label Bushmills.”

Pat brought a crate of undiluted Bushmills from the cellar, and slid it across to McPhee. He then poured Mcphee a full glass of the finest porter.

“A toast,” said McPhee “To O'Mally's Millions.”

“O'Mally's Millions.” they all toasted

Tales from the Long Bar= a day like no other

A large unkempt Irish wolfhound burst through the pub doors. Pat looked up expecting the owner, but he didn't appear.

Doherty entered the bar, glanced at the dog.

“Yes Pat.”

“Aye, yes yerself, Doherty.”

“Usual please and may as well treat yer man.”

“What man would that be?”

“Yer eejit, O'Mally.”

“He's not here.”

“Who?”

“Yer eejit, O'Mally. Is his stupidity contagious, yer beginning to sound like him.”

“Is that no Cromwell by the door.”

“Looks like it, but O'Mally's not here.”

“Can't be two dogs like Cromwell.”

“Aye I know Doherty. Here give it the ashtray of porter. If it drinks it down it'll be Cromwell.”

Doherty took the ashtray and placed it in front of the dog. He toyed with the idea of patting the dog or giving it a stroke, but it could be Cromwell. The dog drank it down while watching every move Doherty made.

“scary feeding that dog.”

“Even scarier not feeding it.” said Pat.

A large cardboard box, with legs staggering underneath, burst through the bar door. O'Dell staggered up to the bar, and placed the box on the floor. Rising above the box like a charmed snake O'Dell shuffled to the bar.

“yes Pat.”

“Aye ,yes yerself O'Dell, what's in the box.”

“Well thanks yerself fer askin, in the box is the largest mobile phone, in fact the worlds largest mobile phone. Russian you know.” said O'Dell winking

“Bejesus one mobile phone in that humungus box?” asked Doherty

“No not one phone, in the box, that would be stupid, you could never carry it. In the box is four mobile phones.”

“They must be the size of house bricks!” said Doherty

“Aye about that, and then the battery is the same size again. A bargain they are.”

“Bargain, get a way with yerself, is not a mobile phone suppose to be small and light, not the size and weight of a car battery. My Siobhan has a phone and it's no bigger than a match box and light as a feather.” said Doherty

“And whoos always complaining that his Siobhan has lost the phone, put it down somewhere and forgotten it. Well with one of these beauties you couldn't misplace it.”

“aye and no one would steal it!” said Pat trying not to laugh

“And how much did those , ---- beauties. Cost you?”asked Doherty

“Now there's the thing, they were a snitch, all for for 95 Euros, that makes them......95 divided by 4 each.”

“And how much is that O'Dell?” asked Pat trying not to laugh

“Hod on,” said O'Dell “95 divided by 4 now that will be 9 divided by 4 goes one, remember the one for me. That leaves 5, so divided by 4 goes another one, plus the 1 you was to remind me about, that's 2, tens, so that's twenty and summat.” explained O'Dell

“and the summat?” asked Doherty

“Ah yes, I remember now, he said they was 22 euros each, but as I was buying all four, I could have them for 95. That must be a saving of 5 Eros surely.”

Pat put his face in his hands and shook his head disbelievingly.

“So what are you going to do with them?” asked Doherty

“Sell them, I'm and uperature you know and the country needs uperatures.”

“What ? Asked Doherty

“He means entrepreneur.” said Pat

“That's right “ Said O'Dell “I just need to sell them to some one discerning.”

“A sucker more like.” said Doherty

“Well I had hoped to see O'Mally here tonight, give him an opportunity for profit. That is Cromwell in his normal place?”

“Aye it is, but no O'Mally.” said Pat

“I saw this film once, about a dog. A boy fell down a mine shaft, and broke his leg. He could of died, but his dog, Laddie, went and got help from the folks in the village, and they got him out.”said O'Dell.

“Lassie” said Pat

“What is?” asked O'Dell

“The name of the dog was Lassie.”

“No it was definitely a male dog.”

“That's a conundrum.”

“But it's nothing to do with family planning, I'm talking about a dog.”

“So was I.” said Pat “ They used a dog in the film, but called it Lassie.”

“What's that to do with family planning?”

“Nothing O'Dell, what you are thinking of is a condom. A conundrum, is if your parents knew about family planning, why are you here, that's a conundrum.”

O'Dell totally confused reverted to something he knew

“In the film the dog attracted the villages, because he was on his own, and he led them to the mine shaft. Do you think Cromwell is trying to alert us?”

they all looked at Cromwell sleeping with his paws either side of the empty ashtray.

“He doesn't seem keen to do anything, let alone try and find a fictitious mine shaft in Buncranna.” said Pat

“O'Mally could have had an accident, he could be lying in a ditch with his life ebbing away. Lying still and sleeping, could be Cromwell's way, of telling us something's up. Don't you think we should send out a search party?

“So you can sell him a dodgy mobile phone?” said Doherty

“Not at all he's my sham. You should always look out for your friends.”

“And sell him a dodgy phone.”

“Well what do you think Pat. Should we search for him? You must admit it is odd Cromwell without O'Mally.”

“You could call the shades, and report him missing. Do it legal and professional like.”

“We don't want to bother the Garda, we can search ourselves, can't we Doherty.”

“You don't want to call the Garda because of your dodgy phones, and you only want to find O'Mally to sell them to him.”

“Well I'm going to look for him, Its what a friend would do. You just stay in the bar and drink your drink, but it will be on your conscience, if we find him too late, because you wouldn't help.”

“Oh alright, I'll get my coat.” said Doherty.

“You'll look after my phones while I'm gone, won't you Pat.”

“Aye, be off with you then.”

“Come on Cromwell.” said O'Dell

Cromwell opened one eye, gave his, malicious do not disturb death stare, and returned to sleep.

“Well Cromwell's job is done he has summoned help. Said O'Dell leaving the bar.

Ten minutes after O'Dell and Doherty left, Cromwell rose and sauntered out of the bar.

Two hours later Doherty and O'Dell returned to the bar.

“Did you find him?” asked Pat

“Yes we did that.” said O'Dell

“Well was he stuck in a mine shaft, lying a ditch bleeding to death. Suffering hypothermia on a park bench. Or fighting off burglars in his house?”

“Well he was in his house.”said Doherty

“Oh in his house minding his own business wondering where his dog was.”

“Not quite,”said O'Dell “ he was with a woman.”

“No he wasn't,” said Doherty “he was entertaining Miriam O'Cafferty the mad cat woman. We saw them through the window, and I said let's leave them to it, But O'Dell here, wouldn't give up. He only goes and knocks on the door. We could hear O'Cafferty asking if he was expecting ruffians. O'Mally was embarrassed, didn't know whether to let us in, when Cromwell shot past us. He went straight for the kitten on O'Cafferty's lap. Swallowed it whole. O'Mally managed to get him to spit it out. It was still alive but covered in snot and slime. O'Cafferty went off on one, should have heard the language. She'll be saying Hail Mary's for a month or two. Allegedly O'Mally said he was a cat person, and didn't own a dog. He was respectable, well educated, and a lover of fine art. She must of smelt a rat looking at his hovel. She was quite willing to take him on until Cromwell burst in.”

“So Cromwell did save O'Mally in the end. Where is he?”

“He'll be down soon just feeding the ferrets.” said Doherty “That'll be him now.” hearing the bar door burst open.

Blocking the door way was Garda McPhee.

“Which of you ruffians lays claim to that box.” asked McPhee

“The mobile phones, You'll find that's me, I'm an un,, upree.. entry.”

“He thinks he is an entrepreneur.” said Pat

“Aye, one of them, that's me. Would you be wanting a mobile phone, cheap, Garda McPhee.”

“Have you read the box?” asked McPhee “can you read Russian.”

“ No but I've seen what's inside.”

“Have you now. Well if you could read Russian, it would tell you that inside is not a mobile phone but a portable missile guidance control, for use with ground forces in Syria. This box disappeared on a stop over at Shannon. The plane was diverted because of fog Europe wide. they had a choice of Prestwick or Shannon, and thought Shannon safer, with less questions. So this morning you are an entrepreneur and this evening an international arms dealer of stolen goods. You've had quite a day, a day like no other one would imagine. But I am left with a conundrum.”

“I know what that is, nothing to do with family planning, or what my dad was doing.”

“The conundrum” said McPhee “Is that this is stolen property, and there is a finders reward. So if I arrest you, no one gets a reward, but you get sent down. Do you want that?”

“No Garda McPhee.”

“So if I found it, and stopped some unknown Russian assailants getting it, then you would testify to that wouldn't you.”

“Yes sir Garda McPhee, I'll testify to what every thing you say”

“Good O'Dell, I believe you are out of pocket some 95 euros, is that correct?”

“yes Garda.”

“So when I get the reward you will get 95 euros, is that clear?”

“yes Garda,”

“Good day gentlemen, I'll leave you to your drinking.” said McPhee heading for the door.

A large unkempt Irish wolfhound pushed through the pub doors. Pat looked up expecting the owner, but he didn't appear.

“Isn't that O'Mally's dog.” asked Mcphee

They all shook their heads.

tales from the long bar- a Bad loser

“Is that yerself O'Mally. Porter is it?”

Aye Pat and make it a double X, I have a need, I'm thinking.”

“And Cromwell?”

“He's fine, he has his new soockie blanket, his prize.”

“So what's that in Cromwell's mouth?” asked Pat

“Just an old rag.”

“Beejesus O'Mally.” said Doherty “Your mutt has a taste for cavalry twill, where on earth did you get that. You can't afford cavalry twill!”

“Well Mr.Smartarse he picked it himself.”

“Oh is that so, you have a discerning mutt.” said Doherty

“And if it's anything to do with you Doherty, Cromwell is a pedigree Irish Wolf hound.

Pat coughed and choked on his porter.

“You may laugh but Cromwell has been in a dog show.”

Yer don't say.”said Doherty

“He has that, a dog show for pedigrees.”

Yer don't say.” said Doherty

“Did I tell you that Cromwell can trace his mother way back to Packfield mistletoe, From the McLeeve stud.”

“Aye and his father back to the Rottweiler next door.” said Doherty

“That's not true you're just jealous that I have a thorough bred dog.”

Pat spluttered and choked

“Stop it O'Mally, you'll have Pat in hospital with your bragging.”

“I'm not bragging.”

“Y'are”

“Not”

“Y'are”

“Hold it you two” said Pat “Let O'Mally prove he's been to a dog show.”

“Yer go on O'Mally prove it.” said Doherty

“We've been to Muff if you must know, To the Donegal District Dog show.”

“Ooo yer don't say, Muff has a dog show. What would you be doin goin to Muff. I thought you couldn't go to Muff because of all the bills you owes.”

“Aye well I was payin one.”

“You just volunteered to pay a bill did you O'Mally.” said Doherty

“Aye, they just sent me a letter so I decided to pay their bill, all heart that's me.”

“A solicitors letter?”

“Might have been, Anyway, on the way to the bus stop I sees the poster for the dog show. Hundred Euros for the winner of the Irish Wolf hound class, entry free. So I put Cromwell in, and he won.”

“Cromwell won first prize?”

“No the one above.”

“What's above first O'Mally?”Asked Pat

“Cardinal distinction. Not your priest or lay preacher, but Cardinal distinction. That will be the one below Pope to yoos” Said O'Mally

the bar door burst open.

“Hey Pat did you see the evening Echo, that eejit O'Mally's in the paper.” said O'Dell “ Oh sorry didn't see you there Shamus.”

“O'Dell.”said O'Mally sheepish

“Well lets see what the echo says about our local hero.” Said Doherty snatching the paper off O'Dell.

“Listen to this.” said Doherty laughing “ The annual Donegal District Dog show was held in Muff this year due to flooding at all other sites. A rare honour for the town. Blah, de, blah, about the classes, and here Irish wolf hound class, seven entries, O'Mally Cardinal disqualification. Then it goes on to list the winners down to sixth place. Which means O'Mally was eighth in a seven dog contest. Cardinal Distinction, huh.”

“Well I thought he said Distinction, I must of miss heard the Disqualification bit.”

“Aye proper disqualification the one below Pope.” laughed Doherty

“Why was you disqualified, what does it say in the paper Doherty?” said Pat

“Nuttin really, it says here a contestant Shamus O'Mally was disqualified for not controlling his dog Crimnal. That's more like it, they misspelt Cromwell and it sounds like criminal, which they obviously thought he was.”said Doherty “But no mention what he did. The judging was delayed while the judge received treatment and changed his clothes.

“So what happened O'Mally? The truth now, for a change.”said Pat

“Well,” said O'Mally “I saw the poster for the dog show and thought I'd enter, as it cost nuttin. They don't do all the judging at the same time you has to wait your turn. So I takes a look at one of the other classes. Have you seen a dog show?”

“Why would I?” said Pat “get on with the explanation.”

“Well all the contestants are posh. They have clean shoes, and polished. The trousers are pressed and they wear a white, ice cream man's coats. The dogs have all been cleaned and combed. They smell like the escaped from Boots, all lavender and carbolic. Each dog has a collar and a posh lead.”

“What's a lead?” asked O'dell

“Similar to baler twine, but with a hook at the end. Some of the leads were leather. Leather ,on a dog for goodness sake! Well Cromwell hasn't been bathed or combed and we only use baler twine. So I thought I'd best get a lead.”

“You bought a lead?”asked Doherty

“Course not, I nicked one from a dog not in need.”

“Sounds like all dogs need leads at a show.”Said Doherty

“Ah this dog didn't need one 'cos it was in a basket, and being carried by a lady.”

“I thought I told you, tell the truth.”said Pat

“Tis the truth the owners have small dogs in baskets and carry them around in luxury.”

They shook their heads and took a sip of Porter in disbelief.

“So I ties the baler twine round Cromwell's neck , attach the leather lead to it ,and pulls him round by the lead, but he is not best pleased.

“So I finds the wolfhound event, enters me name and pulls Cromwell into the show ring. Would you believe I'm the only one wearing rigger boots and oil skins, every one else is dressed up like health inspectors. The judge tells us to sit the dogs. Cromwell was already lying down trying to get some sleep. Best not to wake him. The judge comes over and tells me to sit my dog, in a not pleasant way, so Cromwell sits up ready to pounce. Then the judge says walk your dog. Well Cromwell has had his walk for the day thanks very much. The judge is by now shouting at me. So Cromwell is up and ready. He is looking at the judge like the judge just pinched his bone, but I manage to drag him away. Then Cromwell spots a corgi just like your misses dog, and he goes over for a chat like. The corgi takes off in fear, and Cromwell takes off after it, thinking it's a game.

We don't get back in the ring for ten minutes or so.

Well the judge has a face like a smacked cat. He comes over to inspect Cromwell's conformation, what ever that is. He runs his hand down Cromwell's back then says lift his leg. Cromwell is ahead of the game, he has already lifted his back leg, and soaked the judges shoes. Then the judge says open your dogs mouth. What an eejit. So he says again open your dogs mouth I want to see his teeth. Then the eejit grabs Cromwell's muzzle and tries to open his mouth. Next I see is a hand in Cromwell's mouth, loads of blood and the judge takes off in fear. So Cromwell takes off after him and takes out the seat of his pants, which he hasn't let go of yet. The judge goes into hiding in the show committee caravan. I drag Cromwell away, and the steward says I've been distinguished for a cardinal rule. Wolf hounds are suppose to be feisty and brave, so I thought it was legit. Then I see the Garda talking to the owner of my new lead , so we take off, away from the dog show.

We tried to get on a bus but with Cromwell holding the arse of the the judges pants and a jaw full of blood, the bus driver won't let me on, unless Cromwell is muzzled. So we had to walk all the way home.”

“Didn't you think that letting Cromwell play with the judge was a bit cruel, Cromwell can be a bad Loser?” said Pat

“My Crommy cruel, who could think ill of him, just look at him does he look like a cruel bad loser?”

They turned to look directly into the eyes of Cromwell, a dog straight from hell and on a mission.