tales from the long bar- Lobsters

Doherty entered the bar.

“You look like you could do with a drink.” Said Pat “What's happened?”

“Don't ask.” said Doherty

“But I think he just did.” said O'Dell

Cromwell the Irish wolfhound moved from his normal spot, under the table, and sniffed Doherty's leg. For some strange reason Doherty stroked the dog affectionately.

“Hey, Doherty has touched your dog, O'Mally.” said Pat

“It wasn't my fault, the dog was provoked.” Said O'Mally “How many fingers did he take off?”

Cromwell sat by Doherty quiet and well behaved.

“My goodness, looks like Cromwell likes Doherty. What have you done?” asked O'Mally

“Nothing, he just came up sniffed my leg, and sat there. Without thinking I stroked him. Look still have all my fingers.”

“But I thought you was a cat person, why has Cromwell suddenly taken a shine to you.” asked O'Mally

“I think I know, it could be the puppies.” said Doherty. "Siobhan brought them back from work.”

“At the bank!” exclaimed Pat

“Didn't I tell you she no longer works at the bank.” said Doherty. “twenty seven years service for the Irish Bank and just because some high up has lost squillions, the counter staff are being got rid of.”

“They call me tick, but even I can see that's stupid. How are they going to serve customers if no one is to serve them.” said O'Dell

“On line banking.” said Doherty

“No I can't see that,” said O'Dell “ I have a second hand computer at home and I can't see no slot for money.”

“You don't use money any more, it's all credit cards, Paypal, and Bacs.” said Doherty

“So lets see if I have this right.” said O'Dell “ I orders you all a drink, how much would that be Pat?”

“With O'Mally and an ashtray for Cromwell, that would be 13 Euro's.”

“So I says ,thank you Pat, put it on the slate and I'll pay at the end of the month by credit card. And you Pat, will say, thank you for doing business with me. Is that right Pat?”

“No, I say, don't be a fecking eejit, go to the hole in the wall and get me 13 Euro's, or you are barred.”

“Don't get a weegie on Pat, I was only saying hypochondria like. To prove a point.”

“Hypothetical, surely.” said Doherty

“No, this is between me, and Pat, as if it could happen.”

“What Doherty is trying to say is, hypochondria is not the right word, Hypothetical is what you should have used.” said Pat

“Is that so, mister socleversmartyarse, so what is the difference, Doherty?”

“If you are not ill, and think you are ill, that is Hypochondria, Hypothetical, is to suppose you are ill.”

“But I'm not ill.”

“Hypothetically you could be.” said Doherty

“But I was not talking about being Ill. I was talking about having money.” said O'Dell

“Hypothetical,” said Pat tossing his head back

“Forget that stuff, to get back to the point. Just suppose some one gives me ten euros.” said O'Dell

“Then you are short of three euros.” said Pat

“Forget the drinks, just say some one gives me ten euros and I want to pay O'Mally, and Doherty five euros each.”

“Simple O'Dell, you give me ten euros, and I give you 2 five euros so you can give them to O'Mally and Doherty.”

“But you are not a bank, Pat. I want to know what happens with a bank.”

“Well first you would have to have ten euros in the bank.” said Doherty “ then you could write a cheque, or go to the hole in the wall to get cash and pay them.”

“That's the point.” Said O'Dell “How do I get the ten euros in the bank in the first place?”

“Well you would need an account.” said Doherty “then you could get paid into the bank by cheque of Bacs transfer.”

“But what if I is given, a ten euro note. How do I pay that in?”

“But you don't have a bank account.” said Pat “have you ever been into a bank?”

“Not yet. I haven't the need too. And if you can't pay money in, I don't think I ever will.”

“Don't worry O'Dell on the left as you walk in there is an emergency box. Behind the glass is a human. In an emergency, you break the glass, and a cashier will emerge to sell you a PPI.” said Pat

“Would I need a PPEI, what ever, for 10 euros.”

“Forget it O'Dell, we were having you on. Now Doherty, where is Siobhan working now.” asked Pat

“At the cattery.”

“The cattery is it, it's a wonder Cromwell didn't have your leg off.” said O'Mally

“Well my Siobhan is standing at the entrance to the cattery talking to the vet, when a boy racer in daddies toy, comes speeding round the corner, and hits a sheep dog. The car doesn't stop, just leaves the poor wee thing to die in the gutter. Luckily the vet is at hand, and although he can't save the dog, he manages to deliver a litter of puppies. Odd looking brood, collie cross some huge hairy mutt. The vet says they need to be fed goats milk, and Siobhan like a eejit says her cousin Fergus has goats. They hand the lot over to her, to look after. When the are grown, the cattery will home them, allegedly.”

“That's mighty good of the cattery.” said O'Dell

“It would be mighty good if the cattery kept them, how can we keep six puppies in our small house. The porch is covered in newspaper and stinks to high heaven. No one in there right mind would keep a puppy.”

“My dad bred dogs, we always had puppies under foot.” said O'Dell

“Well I refer the honourable gentleman to my previous statement.” said Doherty.

“what's that suppose to mean?” said O'Dell

“Stop playing with the man,” said Pat ”It's bad for customer relations.”

The phone rings

“Long bar, Buncranna.” Said Pat “ he is that. Uhu, I will that, no problem. And to you, and thank you sir.”

“That sheep dog, didn't have a brown patch on her face by any chance?” asked O'Mally

“I think so, Siobhan said, it seems to have come from Cutters farm.”

“I know that dog, canny wee thing.” said O'Mally.”It was making life unbearable when in season, had to keep Cromwell locked up. But he can always get out when he has a mind to. I wondered why it had gone quiet like. You know some owners have no control over their dogs.”

“And you have?” asked Doherty

“Master and slave me and Cromwell.”

Cromwell look up in disbelief at his slave

“That was the Garda on the phone. Gard McPhee asking about you Doherty, and you has a pint in store behind the bar, with his thanks.” said Pat

“What the.” said O'Mally “Has you turned police informer Doherty.”

“I know what that is for.” said Doherty

“Well is you going to keep it to yourself, or tell us?” said O'Mally

“I've a mind to keep it to my self.”

“See you.” said O'Mally “That's just like you, has us on tenter hooks, with some real gossip then, goes off on one, like a hermit.”

“What happens between, the law abiding and the Garda is state secret.” said Doherty tapping the side of his nose.

That's huparthetical or what ever,” said O'Dell

“Well as you seem so interested and I know you can keep a secret I'll tell yoos.” said Doherty

they all leaned toward Doherty, while he took a drink of the dark stuff.

“Well come on.” Said O'Mally

“What “said Doherty

“You was going to tell us something.” said O'Mally

“Tell you what?” said Doherty

“Go on stop teasing them Doherty.” said Pat

“Well as you know, I have to get a regular supply of goats milk from Fergus. So at the end of fishing, I call in at Portsalon to pick up the milk from Fergus, and Pay him in kind. There am I tying up at the steps, at Fanad Way when up top appears McPhee and this weasel. As it happens the weasel is the fishery office on secondment from Dundalk, due to receiving death threats. So he gets protection from the Garda to do his duty, and McPhee has to protect the weasel. I could see he was not enjoying it, as he had a face like a slapped cat. So the weasel asks why is a Buncranna boat landing fish at Portsalon, it must be black fish. And I says I was not landing fish, only collecting some milk.

Well the weasel goes into full Euro bureaucratic mode and demands I land the fish for inspection. So I hump all the fish to the top of the jetty and he pours over every one with his gauge checking on size. Then he says is that all I have to land. And I says that's all the fish I have. Then he hears some tapping coming from the boat, and goes down to investigate. He opens my metal, come in handy box, and pulls out two lobsters. Well he is beside himself with joy, as he has found shell fish on board and I am not licensed to catch shell fish. So quick as a flash I says they are not catch they are pets.

Pet Lobster says he, and I says yes they are. Then I have to explain to the eejit. I asked him if he knew what a sheep dog was.

Yes he says, they are used to herd sheep.

Well says I, them lobsters are my sheep dogs for the water. I send them off to find a shoal of fish, and they drive them back to the net, directed by my silent whistle. Well he doesn't believe me. So I offer to demonstrate. I take the lobsters from him and put them back in the water, and off they shoot into the deep.

We stand on the steps awhile looking out to sea, and he says aren't you going to whistle. And I says why should I whistle. To bring your lobsters back says he. What lobsters says I.

McPhee is up top wetting himself with laughter.”

“Aren't you worried the Fishery man will take against you?” Asked O'Mally

“I think he will be long gone by now, even Dandalk will be more preferable once the story gets out.”

“How will the story get out?” asked O'Dell

“Well McPhee knows the story, and I have told you all in strictest confidence, as a secret, so by the morn it will be known on both sides of the Swilly.”

“Your pint,” said Pat “a well earned pint at that.”