tales from the long bar- O'Mally in the dock

Doherty and Cromwell entered the bar

“Things don't look too good, the usual for yur self and Cromwell I take it.?” Asked Pat

“Aye .” said Doherty

“Here read this to O'Dell, while I pour your pint.”

“What's this O'Dell?” asked Doherty

“It's a letter, to me , personal like.”

“It'll be a scam, ditch it.” said Doherty

“No, No, No, it was not on a computer but came through the mail. How can it be a scam if not through a computer.”

“The post is what they used before they got technical. Did you look at the envelope first? This has a postal stamp for Nigeria, do you know any one in Nigeria?”

“No, but I might do.”

“More know Tom Fool, than Tom Fool knows.” said Doherty

“Well I don't.”

“Don't what?”

“Know Tom Fool.” said O'Dell

“The Eircode is wrong. E93 not F93. It's a wonder it ever found you.”

“Just my thoughts, you know there was no postage on it. I had to pay a euro to have the letter,”

“What kind of eejit is that.”

“The sender, aye, not getting my address right, then not paying postage. So, thinks I, they could be related.”

“This is a scam a bad one at that, listen to this. If you break the chain of contact nothing but bad luck will follow. You must list three people you know, and that you want good fortune for, to keep the power of the scroll. It lists those that broke the chain and had ill fortune. Here's a good one Alfred Einstein, I assume is suppose to be Albert, failed to find the theory he was looking for, and spent all his life wasted looking for a theory he couldn't explain. I assume you have to forget the theories he did come up with. All scientist are for ever searching, there is never going to be an answer to a question just another question.

Here's another Napoleon, failed to keep the chain going and was defeated in battle of Agincourt.

And this one Nell Gwynn executed with the Guillotine.

Robert the Bruce burnt the cakes! Henry the sixth had eight wives! It's utter tosh the lot of it. Written by a total eejit.” said Doherty

“So they could be related.” said O'Dell

“I hope you didn't call the premium line number?”

“No, not yet, I am out of credits on the phone.”

“Well this is what I think of your Nigerian friend.”

“You can't do that, you can't rip up some ones mail, Doherty.”

“For your own good O'Dell, and for the poor unsuspecting that will be named by you to keep the thing going.” said Doherty

“Who would you name,O'Dell, if allowed to.”asked Doherty

“Well, obviously you Doherty, but why I don't know, as you is ungrateful. Then there is Pat, and O'Mally, who actually needs some luck, if you had not forgotten.”

“I had not forgotten, but you had. I didn't see you in court. Obviously Pat couldn't, but they read out his character reference.”

“So that is Cromwell then not one of your puppies.”

“Of course it's Cromwell, you eejit, when did you see a puppy this old and crotchety.”

“Well, you said they was leaping ahead in growth, and one was mega hairy, I never assumed that Cromwell would take to being with any one, except O'Mally. So how come he is with you.”

“O'Mally asked me to look out for the dog if the worst happens, and it has.”

“Oh what happen in court?” asked Pat

“It didn't start well, and seem to go down hill there after.” said Doherty. “ O'Mally should have gone to the circuit court and had a jury try him, but he was persuaded to go with the District court and the judge only. It didn't stop the court having a smartyarse prosecutor. O'Mally was a lamb to the slaughter. First they told him to read the card and swear the oath. To which he says he didn't have his reading glasses. So they read the card out and he repeated the words. Then they read the charge. That he wilfully killed and dispose of, a protected bird of prey, how did he plea. To which O'Mally said it was very difficult for him, as it could be said, he did it, but on the other hand, it was not that wilful, so he is not really guilty or innocent. The prosecutor said did you kill the bird? And O'Mally says no not killed, put it out of its misery,

At this point the judge seemed to be quite reasonable and asked O'Mally to explain in his own words what happened and he would decide if he was guilty or innocent. And yer man O'Mally agreed. O'Mally said he was returning home after a fishing expedition when he heard a bird in distress screeching. So he goes to investigate and finds a peregrine falcon caught in a gin trap.

He then goes on to say how diabolical a gin trap is and how he would never use one.

The prosecutor said he was a poacher and illegally fishing and setting traps for rabbits as he has been prosecuted for poaching before.

Not this time, says O'Mally, he was fishing for sport with a rod and line. He says it is just this sort of accusation that made him act hasty. The bird was in distress and dying horribly, he could not continue to listen to the poor creature in so much pain, so put it out of his misery. He could of left the body in the trap, but it would be a terrible sight to come across, for a child going to school. For decency, he decided to remove the bird.

When he got the bird home, he was overwhelmed by the beauty of such a fine beast. It would be a shame to loose such beauty, so he decided to skin it, stuff and mount it, having done some taxidermy when a young lad. This left the problem of the meat. With the world resources stretched, it would be criminal to throw the flesh away, so he cooked it up, and fed it to the dog.

At this point the judge seemed sympathetic, and could see O'Mally's dilemma. He said he had a mind to be lenient with him under the circumstances. So before he passed the sentence the judge wondered if O'Mally actually tasted the meat before feeding the dog. O'Mally said just like you, your honour, He did had that niggling curiosity, and admitted he did taste the meat. So what did it taste like asked the judge. O'Mally said it was difficult to describe for it was not too tough. There was a sweetness and a touch of bitterness to it, it would be difficult to compare it to another meat.

Try your best said the judge. And O'Mally says it was not like chicken, or duck. It was milder than goose. On reflection he said, it was a bit like swan.

At that the judge threw a wobbly and sentenced him to the maximum of three months.

And I have Cromwell here, for three months also.”

“How is Cromwell doing with the puppies?” asked 'Dell

“A real softy. One of the pups has the same markings as him, but huge feet.”

“That's the thing with pups, they grow into their feet, the bigger the feet the bigger the dog. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't grow to Cromwell's size if they have humungus feet.” said O'Dell

“Where is he sleeping?” asked Pat

“In the porch with the puppy's at the moment, but he seems to be happy there. He has a mind to bark and bare his teeth, if some one comes to the door, but that has only happened the once. Come to think about it we have had very few callers recently.”