“Is
that yerself O'Mally. Porter is it?”
Aye
Pat and make it a double X, I have a need, I'm thinking.”
“And
Cromwell?”
“He's
fine, he has his new soockie blanket, his prize.”
“So
what's that in Cromwell's mouth?” asked Pat
“Just
an old rag.”
“Beejesus
O'Mally.” said Doherty “Your mutt has a taste for cavalry twill,
where on earth did you get that. You can't afford cavalry twill!”
“Well
Mr.Smartarse he picked it himself.”
“Oh
is that so, you have a discerning mutt.” said Doherty
“And
if it's anything to do with you Doherty, Cromwell is a pedigree Irish
Wolf hound.
Pat
coughed and choked on his porter.
“You
may laugh but Cromwell has been in a dog show.”
Yer
don't say.”said Doherty
“He
has that, a dog show for pedigrees.”
Yer
don't say.” said Doherty
“Did
I tell you that Cromwell can trace his mother way back to Packfield
mistletoe, From the McLeeve stud.”
“Aye
and his father back to the Rottweiler next door.” said Doherty
“That's
not true you're just jealous that I have a thorough bred dog.”
Pat
spluttered and choked
“Stop
it O'Mally, you'll have Pat in hospital with your bragging.”
“I'm
not bragging.”
“Y'are”
“Not”
“Y'are”
“Hold
it you two” said Pat “Let O'Mally prove he's been to a dog show.”
“Yer
go on O'Mally prove it.” said Doherty
“We've
been to Muff if you must know, To the Donegal District Dog show.”
“Ooo
yer don't say, Muff has a dog show. What would you be doin goin to
Muff. I thought you couldn't go to Muff because of all the bills you
owes.”
“Aye
well I was payin one.”
“You
just volunteered to pay a bill did you O'Mally.” said Doherty
“Aye,
they just sent me a letter so I decided to pay their bill, all heart
that's me.”
“A
solicitors letter?”
“Might
have been, Anyway, on the way to the bus stop I sees the poster for
the dog show. Hundred Euros for the winner of the Irish Wolf hound
class, entry free. So I put Cromwell in, and he won.”
“Cromwell
won first prize?”
“No
the one above.”
“What's
above first O'Mally?”Asked Pat
“Cardinal
distinction. Not your priest or lay preacher, but Cardinal
distinction. That will be the one below Pope to yoos” Said O'Mally
the
bar door burst open.
“Hey
Pat did you see the evening Echo, that eejit O'Mally's in the
paper.” said O'Dell “ Oh sorry didn't see you there Shamus.”
“O'Dell.”said
O'Mally sheepish
“Well
lets see what the echo says about our local hero.” Said Doherty
snatching the paper off O'Dell.
“Listen
to this.” said Doherty laughing “ The annual Donegal District Dog
show was held in Muff this year due to flooding at all other sites. A
rare honour for the town. Blah, de, blah, about the classes, and here
Irish wolf hound class, seven entries, O'Mally Cardinal
disqualification. Then it goes on to list the winners down to sixth
place. Which means O'Mally was eighth in a seven dog contest.
Cardinal Distinction, huh.”
“Well
I thought he said Distinction, I must of miss heard the
Disqualification bit.”
“Aye
proper disqualification the one below Pope.” laughed Doherty
“Why
was you disqualified, what does it say in the paper Doherty?” said
Pat
“Nuttin
really, it says here a contestant Shamus O'Mally was disqualified for
not controlling his dog Crimnal. That's more like it, they misspelt
Cromwell and it sounds like criminal, which they obviously thought he
was.”said Doherty “But no mention what he did. The judging was
delayed while the judge received treatment and changed his clothes.
“So
what happened O'Mally? The truth now, for a change.”said Pat
“Well,”
said O'Mally “I saw the poster for the dog show and thought I'd
enter, as it cost nuttin. They don't do all the judging at the same
time you has to wait your turn. So I takes a look at one of the other
classes. Have you seen a dog show?”
“Why
would I?” said Pat “get on with the explanation.”
“Well
all the contestants are posh. They have clean shoes, and polished.
The trousers are pressed and they wear a white, ice cream man's
coats. The dogs have all been cleaned and combed. They smell like the
escaped from Boots, all lavender and carbolic. Each dog has a collar
and a posh lead.”
“What's
a lead?” asked O'dell
“Similar
to baler twine, but with a hook at the end. Some of the leads were
leather. Leather ,on a dog for goodness sake! Well Cromwell hasn't
been bathed or combed and we only use baler twine. So I thought I'd
best get a lead.”
“You
bought a lead?”asked Doherty
“Course
not, I nicked one from a dog not in need.”
“Sounds
like all dogs need leads at a show.”Said Doherty
“Ah
this dog didn't need one 'cos it was in a basket, and being carried
by a lady.”
“I
thought I told you, tell the truth.”said Pat
“Tis
the truth the owners have small dogs in baskets and carry them around
in luxury.”
They
shook their heads and took a sip of Porter in disbelief.
“So
I ties the baler twine round Cromwell's neck , attach the leather
lead to it ,and pulls him round by the lead, but he is not best
pleased.
“So
I finds the wolfhound event, enters me name and pulls Cromwell into
the show ring. Would you believe I'm the only one wearing rigger
boots and oil skins, every one else is dressed up like health
inspectors. The judge tells us to sit the dogs. Cromwell was already
lying down trying to get some sleep. Best not to wake him. The judge
comes over and tells me to sit my dog, in a not pleasant way, so
Cromwell sits up ready to pounce. Then the judge says walk your dog.
Well Cromwell has had his walk for the day thanks very much. The
judge is by now shouting at me. So Cromwell is up and ready. He is
looking at the judge like the judge just pinched his bone, but I
manage to drag him away. Then Cromwell spots a corgi just like your
misses dog, and he goes over for a chat like. The corgi takes off in
fear, and Cromwell takes off after it, thinking it's a game.
We
don't get back in the ring for ten minutes or so.
Well
the judge has a face like a smacked cat. He comes over to inspect
Cromwell's conformation, what ever that is. He runs his hand down
Cromwell's back then says lift his leg. Cromwell is ahead of the
game, he has already lifted his back leg, and soaked the judges
shoes. Then the judge says open your dogs mouth. What an eejit. So he
says again open your dogs mouth I want to see his teeth. Then the
eejit grabs Cromwell's muzzle and tries to open his mouth. Next I see
is a hand in Cromwell's mouth, loads of blood and the judge takes off
in fear. So Cromwell takes off after him and takes out the seat of
his pants, which he hasn't let go of yet. The judge goes into hiding
in the show committee caravan. I drag Cromwell away, and the steward
says I've been distinguished for a cardinal rule. Wolf hounds are
suppose to be feisty and brave, so I thought it was legit. Then I see
the Garda talking to the owner of my new lead , so we take off, away
from the dog show.
We
tried to get on a bus but with Cromwell holding the arse of the the
judges pants and a jaw full of blood, the bus driver won't let me on,
unless Cromwell is muzzled. So we had to walk all the way home.”
“Didn't
you think that letting Cromwell play with the judge was a bit cruel,
Cromwell can be a bad Loser?” said Pat
“My
Crommy cruel, who could think ill of him, just look at him does he
look like a cruel bad loser?”
They
turned to look directly into the eyes of Cromwell, a dog straight
from hell and on a mission.
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