A
large unkempt Irish wolfhound burst through the pub doors. Pat looked
up expecting the owner, but he didn't appear.
Doherty
entered the bar, glanced at the dog.
“Yes
Pat.”
“Aye,
yes yerself, Doherty.”
“Usual
please and may as well treat yer man.”
“What
man would that be?”
“Yer
eejit, O'Mally.”
“He's
not here.”
“Who?”
“Yer
eejit, O'Mally. Is his stupidity contagious, yer beginning to sound
like him.”
“Is
that no Cromwell by the door.”
“Looks
like it, but O'Mally's not here.”
“Can't
be two dogs like Cromwell.”
“Aye
I know Doherty. Here give it the ashtray of porter. If it drinks it
down it'll be Cromwell.”
Doherty
took the ashtray and placed it in front of the dog. He toyed with the
idea of patting the dog or giving it a stroke, but it could be
Cromwell. The dog drank it down while watching every move Doherty
made.
“scary
feeding that dog.”
“Even
scarier not feeding it.” said Pat.
A
large cardboard box, with legs staggering underneath, burst through
the bar door. O'Dell staggered up to the bar, and placed the box on
the floor. Rising above the box like a charmed snake O'Dell shuffled
to the bar.
“yes
Pat.”
“Aye
,yes yerself O'Dell, what's in the box.”
“Well
thanks yerself fer askin, in the box is the largest mobile phone, in
fact the worlds largest mobile phone. Russian you know.” said
O'Dell winking
“Bejesus
one mobile phone in that humungus box?” asked Doherty
“No
not one phone, in the box, that would be stupid, you could never
carry it. In the box is four mobile phones.”
“They
must be the size of house bricks!” said Doherty
“Aye
about that, and then the battery is the same size again. A bargain
they are.”
“Bargain,
get a way with yerself, is not a mobile phone suppose to be small and
light, not the size and weight of a car battery. My Siobhan has a
phone and it's no bigger than a match box and light as a feather.”
said Doherty
“And
whoos always complaining that his Siobhan has lost the phone, put it
down somewhere and forgotten it. Well with one of these beauties you
couldn't misplace it.”
“aye
and no one would steal it!” said Pat trying not to laugh
“And
how much did those , ---- beauties. Cost you?”asked Doherty
“Now
there's the thing, they were a snitch, all for for 95 Euros, that
makes them......95 divided by 4 each.”
“And
how much is that O'Dell?” asked Pat trying not to laugh
“Hod
on,” said O'Dell “95 divided by 4 now that will be 9 divided by 4
goes one, remember the one for me. That leaves 5, so divided by 4
goes another one, plus the 1 you was to remind me about, that's 2,
tens, so that's twenty and summat.” explained O'Dell
“and
the summat?” asked Doherty
“Ah
yes, I remember now, he said they was 22 euros each, but as I was
buying all four, I could have them for 95. That must be a saving of 5
Eros surely.”
Pat
put his face in his hands and shook his head disbelievingly.
“So
what are you going to do with them?” asked Doherty
“Sell
them, I'm and uperature you know and the country needs uperatures.”
“What
? Asked Doherty
“He
means entrepreneur.” said Pat
“That's
right “ Said O'Dell “I just need to sell them to some one
discerning.”
“A
sucker more like.” said Doherty
“Well
I had hoped to see O'Mally here tonight, give him an opportunity for
profit. That is Cromwell in his normal place?”
“Aye
it is, but no O'Mally.” said Pat
“I
saw this film once, about a dog. A boy fell down a mine shaft, and
broke his leg. He could of died, but his dog, Laddie, went and got
help from the folks in the village, and they got him out.”said
O'Dell.
“Lassie”
said Pat
“What
is?” asked O'Dell
“The
name of the dog was Lassie.”
“No
it was definitely a male dog.”
“That's
a conundrum.”
“But
it's nothing to do with family planning, I'm talking about a dog.”
“So
was I.” said Pat “ They used a dog in the film, but called it
Lassie.”
“What's
that to do with family planning?”
“Nothing
O'Dell, what you are thinking of is a condom. A conundrum, is if your
parents knew about family planning, why are you here, that's a
conundrum.”
O'Dell
totally confused reverted to something he knew
“In
the film the dog attracted the villages, because he was on his own,
and he led them to the mine shaft. Do you think Cromwell is trying to
alert us?”
they
all looked at Cromwell sleeping with his paws either side of the
empty ashtray.
“He
doesn't seem keen to do anything, let alone try and find a fictitious
mine shaft in Buncranna.” said Pat
“O'Mally
could have had an accident, he could be lying in a ditch with his
life ebbing away. Lying still and sleeping, could be Cromwell's way,
of telling us something's up. Don't you think we should send out a
search party?
“So
you can sell him a dodgy mobile phone?” said Doherty
“Not
at all he's my sham. You should always look out for your friends.”
“And
sell him a dodgy phone.”
“Well
what do you think Pat. Should we search for him? You must admit it is
odd Cromwell without O'Mally.”
“You
could call the shades, and report him missing. Do it legal and
professional like.”
“We
don't want to bother the Garda, we can search ourselves, can't we
Doherty.”
“You
don't want to call the Garda because of your dodgy phones, and you
only want to find O'Mally to sell them to him.”
“Well
I'm going to look for him, Its what a friend would do. You just stay
in the bar and drink your drink, but it will be on your conscience,
if we find him too late, because you wouldn't help.”
“Oh
alright, I'll get my coat.” said Doherty.
“You'll
look after my phones while I'm gone, won't you Pat.”
“Aye,
be off with you then.”
“Come
on Cromwell.” said O'Dell
Cromwell
opened one eye, gave his, malicious do not disturb death stare, and
returned to sleep.
“Well
Cromwell's job is done he has summoned help. Said O'Dell leaving the
bar.
Ten
minutes after O'Dell and Doherty left, Cromwell rose and sauntered
out of the bar.
Two
hours later Doherty and O'Dell returned to the bar.
“Did
you find him?” asked Pat
“Yes
we did that.” said O'Dell
“Well
was he stuck in a mine shaft, lying a ditch bleeding to death.
Suffering hypothermia on a park bench. Or fighting off burglars in
his house?”
“Well
he was in his house.”said Doherty
“Oh
in his house minding his own business wondering where his dog was.”
“Not
quite,”said O'Dell “ he was with a woman.”
“No
he wasn't,” said Doherty “he was entertaining Miriam O'Cafferty
the mad cat woman. We saw them through the window, and I said let's
leave them to it, But O'Dell here, wouldn't give up. He only goes and
knocks on the door. We could hear O'Cafferty asking if he was
expecting ruffians. O'Mally was embarrassed, didn't know whether to
let us in, when Cromwell shot past us. He went straight for the
kitten on O'Cafferty's lap. Swallowed it whole. O'Mally managed to
get him to spit it out. It was still alive but covered in snot and
slime. O'Cafferty went off on one, should have heard the language.
She'll be saying Hail Mary's for a month or two. Allegedly O'Mally
said he was a cat person, and didn't own a dog. He was respectable,
well educated, and a lover of fine art. She must of smelt a rat
looking at his hovel. She was quite willing to take him on until
Cromwell burst in.”
“So
Cromwell did save O'Mally in the end. Where is he?”
“He'll
be down soon just feeding the ferrets.” said Doherty “That'll be
him now.” hearing the bar door burst open.
Blocking
the door way was Garda McPhee.
“Which
of you ruffians lays claim to that box.” asked McPhee
“The
mobile phones, You'll find that's me, I'm an un,, upree.. entry.”
“He
thinks he is an entrepreneur.” said Pat
“Aye,
one of them, that's me. Would you be wanting a mobile phone, cheap,
Garda McPhee.”
“Have
you read the box?” asked McPhee “can you read Russian.”
“
No but I've seen what's inside.”
“Have
you now. Well if you could read Russian, it would tell you that
inside is not a mobile phone but a portable missile guidance control,
for use with ground forces in Syria. This box disappeared on a stop
over at Shannon. The plane was diverted because of fog Europe wide.
they had a choice of Prestwick or Shannon, and thought Shannon safer,
with less questions. So this morning you are an entrepreneur and this
evening an international arms dealer of stolen goods. You've had
quite a day, a day like no other one would imagine. But I am left
with a conundrum.”
“I
know what that is, nothing to do with family planning, or what my dad
was doing.”
“The
conundrum” said McPhee “Is that this is stolen property, and
there is a finders reward. So if I arrest you, no one gets a reward,
but you get sent down. Do you want that?”
“No
Garda McPhee.”
“So
if I found it, and stopped some unknown Russian assailants getting
it, then you would testify to that wouldn't you.”
“Yes
sir Garda McPhee, I'll testify to what every thing you say”
“Good
O'Dell, I believe you are out of pocket some 95 euros, is that
correct?”
“yes
Garda.”
“So
when I get the reward you will get 95 euros, is that clear?”
“yes
Garda,”
“Good
day gentlemen, I'll leave you to your drinking.” said McPhee
heading for the door.
A
large unkempt Irish wolfhound pushed through the pub doors. Pat
looked up expecting the owner, but he didn't appear.
“Isn't
that O'Mally's dog.” asked Mcphee
They
all shook their heads.
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