Tales from the long bar - the invisible man

Cromwell the large Irish wolfhound entered the bar and took up his normal spot under the table by the door. He looked directly at Pat with a contemptible death stare.

Shortly afterwards O'Mally and O'Dell came into the bar in deep conversation.

“Cromwell wants his porter, what can I get you two?” said Pat

“No let me get these.” said Doherty.

O'Mally and O'Dell looked about confused

“What's the matter O'Dell can you not see me?” said Doherty

“might do.”

“and what does that mean, can you, or can't you, see me.”

“what's it to you?”

“Well, its my eejit cloak,” said Doherty “brand new, beautiful colour, very light, and completely covers you. Every one except an eejit can see you. To eejits I'm invisible. So can you see me O'Dell?”

“What's not to see Doherty, you can't catch me out.”

“It's a fine colour that cloak.” said O'Mally “what would you call that colour Pat?”

“What's that colour called,” Said Pat “between blue and green?”

“Black.” said O'Dell

“Black is not between blue and green. Where's the blue and green in black?”

“I was at school, and we did drawing and stuff.” Said O'Dell “I remember we had plasticine, all different colours it was. When you mixed them up it turned brown. Now here's the thing, if you add some blue and green to the brown, it turns a blackish colour. But we didn't have much blue and green, so if I'd have gone to a posh school, with loads of plasticine, I could have made black.”

“To be sure, is that not a waste to education, there would be no end of inventions if O'Dell here had enough plasticine,”said Pat.”here give the ashtray of porter to Cromwell before he takes me leg off. O'Mally”

“Here Cromie, daddies not forgot yer. Porter in your favourite ashtray. Will you stop looking out the window and drink yer drink that's a good dog.”

“You know this invisibility malarkey you been doonin Doherty. Well I saw this film about a man that was invisible. It didn't end too well for him.”

“How come you always see a film and never read a book O'Dell.” said Pat

“Well to tell the truth I was never any good at the reading thing. The Nuns at the convent school tried to teach you what you were best at. They thought I was better at arithmetic than reading.” said O'Dell.

“I thought you was rubbish at sums.”Said O'Mally

“I am but I am more rubbish at reading, never took to it like.”

“Have you read a book all the way through?” asked Pat “There's some wonderful books out there, and some they made into films. Like the Invisible man, that was a book.”

“don't be daft,”said Odell “It was a full series, it was on the TV for years, if it was in a book it would be thicker the an alter bible. You'd never be able to pick it up.”

“Books can come in instalments you know.” said Pat

“No can't be bothered with loans, be a lender nor a borrower be.”

“I give up” said Pat “I bet you never read a book in your life”

“I did so.”

“Bet you didn't.” said O'Mally

“Did so.”

“Didn't”

“Did so, in fact I still have it in the house, somewhere.”

Well I've never seen a book in your house.”

“Well you never had a search warrant O'Mally. But I do have a book , put away with the other things that might come in handy.”

“Can you remember what it was called.” asked Pat

“I think so, the Nuns gave it to me, it was home work, but I never gave it back.”said O'Dell winking “It wasn't a very good book, which is why I never really took to reading.”

“poor plot, that normally puts people off.” said O'Mally

“Or in O'Dell's case it could be a complicated plot.” said Doherty

“So what was it called.” asked Pat

“Janet and John on the Farm.” said O'Dell

“Is that it the sum total of your literary experience, one Janet and John book.”said Pat

“Of course not, we did Janet and John goes shopping, in school.”

“Well books have moved on since then, you'd be surprised what you can learn from a book.”said Pat

“The nuns said that, about the bible, all you need to know was in that book. But I only learnt two things.”

“And what were they.” asked O'Mally

“The book was heavy, and hurt when they hit you round the head with it.”

spluttering in their drinks O'Mally thought he would change the subject.

“Cromwell is very interested in the window. Do you think you could be getting burglars.” said O'Mally.

“That's a job you you Doherty, being invisible you could check if no one was out side. You could always put your bandages back on, when you come back.”

“What bandages” asked Doherty

Round your head, I've seen the film man, it's what invisible people have to do. We could always go to Hanagans for more bandages if need be.”

“But Hanagans is for veterinary supplies.” said O'Mally

“Well they bandage horses and you need loads of bandages for horses. If you look in a human's first aid box, the bandages are far too wee, not fit to splint a slug. To bandage Doherty from head to foot you need loads.”

“You eejit” said O'Mally “Yur man is not invisible just his cloak. So when he takes it off he will be normal and able to be seen. Is that not right Doherty.”

“Feckin eejit.”said Doherty

after few minutes of the door opened and Doherty entered.

“Well was it burglars.” said O'Dell, “You know I was worried, that if you put your cloak down, you would not be able to find it again, and such a handy thing to have and invisible cloak.”

“There was no cloak,” said Doherty waving a radio baby alarm handset. “I was having you on.”

“I just realized,” said O'Dell “Yoos all thought I was daft. But see Doherty's fishing smock is black just as I said.”

“You never said Doherty was wearing a black smock.” said O'Mally

“No, I said the colour between blue and green was black, and Doherty is wearing a black smock just as I said. No flies on me you know.”

“What” said Pat

“Doherty has three smocks Blue, Green, and Black, so he was wearing the green one the week last, and the blue one last week, so he must have been wearing Black as I said.”

“Is anyone following this,” said Pat

“Well you surprise me O'Dell I never put you down for a man of fashion.” said Doherty

“I'm not, I have a Birthday in June, so don't need to be.”

“No, you lost me there.” said Pat

“Look Pat I have five sisters. So come Christmas they buy sweaters and stuff for the winter, at the market. They know what is in fashion, so don't want to be thought of as, not in touch, therefore I get the latest fashion in all sorts of stuff. With a Birthday in June I also get a summer wardrobe. With sisters you don't need to buy any clothes yourself, Birthday and Santa Claus provide it all.”

“You could be right there O'Dell I have a birthday in November and have a skip load of sweaters.” said Pat

“So what have you done with the cloak?” asked O'Dell

“It was a joke, there was no cloak. I used these baby radio monitors, one on the bar and one I had with me outside the window. Cromwell nearly gave the game away. I'm sure that dog is smarter than the lot of you.”

“Well I think Pat is clever, its not nice saying Pat is thick. When he's not.” said O'Dell

“Eejit, Pat was in on it.” said Doherty

“So it was the baby radio that made you invisible, I wonder how that works.” Said O'Dell

Cromwell covered his eyes with his paw and pretended to be asleep.

Pat said “ must be time for another round.” hoping to take their mind of the present conversation. With luck a barrel would need changing and he too could disappear, if not become invisible