I'm a numpty get me out of here.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to our first series of I'm a numpty get me out of here. The format is similar to another well known programme but we do not use celebrities or wannabees. We cater for the messed up going down hill weirdos, that think we owe them a living.




Our first contestant is Brian (not his real name). He donated £60 to Tory party funds and received a contract worth £500,000 for PPE. His company never stocked PPE knew anything about it, or set up for handling equipment. They bought the equipment for £200,000 off eBay with free postage. The profit went undeclared for tax. Brian will donate all his payments from I'm a Numpty, to a charity for reoffenders. His task tonight is to crawl through an ants nest. Don't you just love the sound of screaming.




Next up is Betty (not her real name). Betty helped to set up Track and Trace, charged three times the going rate for consultancy but a friend of Dido. Her payments will go towards numeracy disabled. The task on the card put your hand in a tub of leaches and leave for the duration of the show. Not much in the way of screaming but good visual effects as the skin tone pales.




The last contestant is Matt Hancock, this is his real name. He set up illegal contract procedures to assist his friends thus swindling the tax payer out of billions. Allegedly not accountable for risking lives of front line care workers with poor PPE, excessive working regimes and no backup. Did clap for NHS when film crews were about. Throws himself at every camera, and brought down by one he forgot was there. Known as the granny killer, decimated care homes, and crippled the NHS. His boss Boris Johnson knew how totally incompetent he was. His excuse for the excess deaths is sheer incompetence not corporate manslaughter. He will make a donation to a dyslexia charity, allegedly, and is championing their cause, even if they do not want to be tarred with his reputation.

The task on the card is to be lowered into a snake pit... Wait there has been a change of plan. Due to audience participation the audience want to choose the task. He is to be locked in a torture chamber with relatives of the dead that he was responsible for. They can use whatever they like and for as long as it takes, working day and night, in a robust, and dedicated way.

I'm sorry Matt I can't let you out, I can not open the door

Numpty employment agency

Overheard One side of a conversation




“Good morning Numpty employment agency Chiron speaking how can I help you?

You want us to find you a cabinet of Ministers, have you read our terms and conditions,

You have, good the payment will be upfront in either US Dollars or Euro's.

Sorry we do not accept pounds sterling at the moment.

I know you have loads of them but we do not take Roubles

when do you want the cabinet by? Within 24 hours, that will attract a premium and payment in USA Dollars only. Do you wish to continue?




Good I'll need a few details Name please. Sunak with a K, any other names you are known by?
Apart from backstabber do you have a first name? 

So Mr Rishi Sunak do you want your cabinet experience or fresh at the game , bearing in mind most MP's wont get out of bed for less than £90,000 and an MP's pay is £80,000. Experienced cabinet members will have collected some directorships of companies, advisers commissions and lobbying wages. Fresh MP's will not know these yet, and think a cabinet job is only £40,000 pay rise, so between one and ten, one being new to the job and ten highly corrupt. Seven, we can do a seven no problem.




Again one to ten, common-sense to blue sky thinking. Not quite sir we put Grease Mogg as away with the fairies, unless you want him in a cabinet? Quite agree best not, and another seven for you, would you take one with common sense? No problem , so on second thoughts its an eight for that.




One to ten, independent thinking, to do as they are told. That will be a nine for that then. I know we haven't asked you about loyalty as we are dealing with MP's. I am sure loyalty has to be earned, you have to give them something in return. We could do an appearance of loyalty if you wish. You want a ten for that, and why not!




One to Ten knowledge of the department, like a doctor running the NHS, One being highly proficient and ten just signing red boxes? A ten for, OK nine and a half don't want them too much out of their depth.






One to Ten, balance, black lesbian to white male heterosexual, seven for that




One to Ten, again on balance scientific to banking, a nine for that, and only if they got a degree for science but worked for finance.




One to Ten, empathy one feels the pain of the voters in hard times, to ten couldn't give a monkeys. Ten for that then




One to Ten, slogans to substance and a one for that




lastly Ministers without portfolio, those that you want in your cabinet as its too dangerous to leave them out sort of Chris Grayling type of thing, can't run a piss up but good in a party. No Grayling but you want Gavin Williamson, and Nadhim Zahawi, they know too much about past scandals to leave out.

Thank you for your custom a full list of the cabinet will be with your office in time for the six o'clock news.

Have a nice day, sorry some one on the other line, thank you again any time.




Kier nice to hear from you , and you want some clowns for a Halloween party, Scary or funny? Oh that's a pity we have just contracted out our scariest of clowns, they will be available in less than two years I should think, but not this Halloween. Thanks for calling

matter machine

Those masters of science

and technology

have produced a matter machine

so all matter is free




all matter can be collected

from the colectinary

a word used by GW Bush

in his dictionary




the replicators will be local

not more than a mile away

although everything is free

for being local you must pay




then there is a fee for insurance

against failure and disruption

what us all folks remember

and still call corruption




there is of course a tariff

it is what tariffs are for

politicians keeping control

to engage in trading war




there is customs and excise duty

a simple donation

you can't control smuggling

without this creation




there must be corporation tax

accountants all agree

to stimulate the slush fund

in tax havens over seas




there is a new matter tax, distribution tax

and local taxes where you 're at

royalties for the copyright

and not forgetting Vat




alas the idea is wound up

and the scientist gone to ground

for a wooden spoon you make for free

will now cost five thousand pound

Peter Principle: When People Get Promoted Into Maximum Incompetence

to the sunny uplands

  man wants to leave the swamp of austerity and travel to the promised sunny uplands. He goes to the transport companies for a good deal.

The green garage offers comfortable trainers, frequent comfort breaks, and protection against the weather. He wants to go faster!

At the Lib/Dem garage he is offered a donkey, with a pannier for his belongings, but no food for the donkey.

At the labour garage he is offered a horse and cart, with ample horse food on the cart, but the horse needs new shoes.

At the Tory garage he has choice. One clapped out car with the handbrake stuck. Needs frequent stops to cool the wheels.

Or

a newly painted racers, with no brakes, the accelerator stuck full on. And the steering wheel frozen.

The man opts for the fast car forgetting the road ahead is full of sharp turns and a sheer drop at one side

lying in state

In the back bar of the Queens Head, Auchernumpty, Hamish and Hugo McPhee were arguing about who cheated at dominoes. Both compulsive cheats, so they knew how the other did it.

The Landlord rang the last orders bell.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been told the Queen is dead. As a mark of respect this bar will close on time. There will be no after hours drinks today. Thank you.”

“You ken what that means, "said Hugo

“Aye” said Hamish. “Every copper for miles around will be guarding the coffin as it journeys to where ever. We will never get caught.”




The two brothers made plans for the burglaries they would commit. If they avoided the Royal procession, and kept rural, they could be rich men by the time the Queen was buried.




They decided to do the farms first. Most farms were well lit with cameras. One, off the beaten track, with poor lighting, and no cameras looked promising. They parked the white transit van and walk the short drive up to the croft of Dunbanking. The lights were on in the byre, but the house was in total darkness. They donned their Rangers scarf and Celtic Balaclava, a ruse to confuse witnesses.




The House was small and shabby. Light patches on the wall indicated objects once hung. There was no wide screen TV set top box or recorder. On the mantle piece was a book. Either side of the book , dust marks where objects once stood. The book was the stock register. They picked it up. The book which was full of yellow fallen stock movement forms. Under the book were porn tickets.

They shrugged returned the book, placed a fiver on the top and left. The crofter was worse off than they were, which seemed odd as they produced food.




No good doing crofters, they thought they would try some one professional. The teachers house was near by. Looking through the window they could see the teacher fast asleep at his desk. He was surrounded by homework to be marked. There was little furniture, the house was cold, the fridge empty. They put a fiver on the table and left.




Over the van radio they heard,” the coffin is solid oak with six gold handles draped in the Royal Standard.”

“do you think they are real gold handles” asked Hugo

“ Aye, bound to be.” said Hamish “She's no being burnt, so wont be plastic gold coloured, and they can afford it. It'll be on expenses.”

“What if we nicked a gold handle, “ said Hugo “No one would miss it, it being under the flag. The big boys in Glasgow would show some respect if we pulled it off.”

“Where's best place to nick it” said Hamish

“Not Edinburgh too many coppers. London will be hard to police, they will have to ship coppers from all over. They say they are coming from Cleveland police. With the Met police in charge and Cleveland police as back up, Its too good to miss. They set off for London.




St. Boris of cock-up and blunder, was sent to Westminster Hall due to staff shortage. He took up position at the listening post, a conduit of thoughts and prayers. He overheard one old lady say

“ I wish the Queen was still alive.” Many seemed to agree with her.

St Boris eager to prove his worth set about restoring the Queen. They did it with Lazarus to universal approval it seem a good way to redeem himself with those above.




The royal standard slipped off, as the coffin lid rose. The Queen hoped to greet her loyal subjects but the queue cleared faster than it formed.

“Don't just stand there, help me out this box.” said the Queen

The guard of soldiers helped her down.

“Is there anything her Majesty would like?” asked the guard.

“I'm a bit peckish.”

“Would Ma'am like her special sandwich?”

“Smoked Salmon , and cheese, and bring some biscuits.”

“Duchy Originals Ma'am.”

“Certainly not, Garden Cabin Biscuits or Stockans Oat cakes if they haven't got them. Make sure its Berwick Edge cheese.”

“I'm afraid Ma'am only Cornish cheese in the Palace now, Davidstow or nothing.”

“The staff have the Doddington Cheese , The Cuddy's Cave has not been started.” said the other guard.

“Wonderful, Cuddy's Cave will suit her Majesty.” said the Queen

“ Would her Majesty like a marmalade sandwich in the meantime?”

“certainly not , what gave you that idea!

So what has my son been up to while I was asleep?”




The guard and the Queen sat down and watched the videos of Charles signings and speeches. She was not amused.

Charles arrived.

“Charles, these videos I've been watching, don't do you service. For a start that thing with not enough room on the table. I would have dropped the hint that a bigger table would be required if the ink stand remained. The ink stand would have been removed. It would be their idea not your stroppy finickity, remember that. Now the incident with the pen, it will not do!

All you are ever asked to do is sign something, cut a ribbon, or draw a curtain. You must have at least two functioning pens on you at all times. If one makes a blot or a splatter, you can make a joke about oil spills unless it is with the Saudi's. Never use a red pen , its blots will look like blood stains, not popular with the kind of people we have to suck up to. Always ensure you have a roll of duck tape, a can of WD40, a hank of baler twine, an Opinel knife, and a jubilee clip on hand in case of an emergency.

Now follow me Charles and I want to show you how uncomfortable the coffin is.”

“God help us, said Charles under his breath, I wish it was as it was before.”

Charles was passing the lords conduit when he spoke and St. Boris gladly obliged.




The Body of the Queen lay in state for three more days before the funeral. The solid oak coffin with five gold handles was laid to rest in the vault with her Mother, Elizabeth the Queen Mother, the late King George IV, and her husband Prince Phillip.

delivery delivery delivery

In April the government responded to a £1000 hike in energy costs by paying poor families (those on fixed income like pensions and universal credit) a hand out to cover the cost. That money runs out in January. No rise in fixed incomes will be available until April. A funding Gap.

The government will try to fix the price of energy to £2,500 that is £1,500 more than was paid in March.

The Poor say the government does not understand their plight.

The Conservative Government refute this accusation and say they are delivering to the people.

Not many of the poor want poverty delivered so effectively