the government has announced comprehensive plans to deal with the latest shortage of daft ideas.
Since leaving the EU there has been an unforeseeable surge in daft ideas. Since the demise of Dom the blinded, daft ideas have not been generated in sufficient quantity to cope with the demands of Government. Do not Panic!
It is unhelpful collecting daft ideas from America. Without Donald J (jenius) Trump they are not so prolific. Do not even think about Europe, they have exported all theirs.
Gove the grovelling and Patel the merciless are on to it. We can look forward to a barrage of crap any day soon, Failing this emergency measure, Grayling has been brought to stand by , from obscurity on the backbenches.
In the meantime DO NOT PANIC. All ministers will be issued with extra union jacks to stand in front of at press briefings. The Prime Minister has ordered three tiers of Union jacks at all his briefings to pacify the Mail and Telegraph.
The military have been alerted, and will seize the last remaining Idi Amin's book of competent governance, so all is in hand.
You have had the Pasties tax, the caravan tax, the extra room tax, Eat out to help out, and a whole raft of Covid measures, made null and void by travel and no quarantine.
This Government prides itself on daft ideas, we can assure you there will be no discernible shortage.
DO NOT PANIC, DO NOT PANIC BUY
issued by the department of stupidity
chief executive sees a way to increase the share value and earn a stonking bonus, announces changes.
A top managers sees a flaw and is outspoken.
Top manager talked down and accused of disloyalty, backward and anti-progress. Other mangers join in criticism to secure their positions.
Middle management look at the changes in horror and say they will not work. Accused of disloyalty
Middle management realise the changes will go ahead, try to alert top management of problems and solutions if possible. Top management accuse them of talking management down.
Changes come into force, workers leave, middle managers accused of the shit show and sacked.
Media hype
Chief executive moves on to higher paid job being considered as a strong manager.
Company sold and goes bust.
Managers that tried to warn of outcome blamed
he wanted to be invisible
alive but no one could see
In youth it was irresistible
and what he wanted to be
to work on pranks and joking
confuse but unobserved
tickles, strokes, and poking
and more if they deserved
but was was seen protesting
on Cable street front line
against the black shirt strutting
of our tolerance decline
arrested for his opposition
to that glorious parade
he was given a proposition
jail, or the army, to evade
with marching feet he went to war
seen clearly by the foe
to hold the ground in battles roar
how long he did not know
rearguard battle of retreat
to open up a door
to snatch victory from defeat
from the Dunkirk shore
in peace he marched with ideals
his medals his on display
so clearly seen on newsreels
with his military beret
Aldermaston to Trafalgar square
ban the bomb campaign
so proud to say that he was there
against a policy insane
invisible is now so loathsome
he is totally unseen
just a mirage he has become
in a land once so green
just a homeless wandering tramp
seeking a charitable table
filthy, numb, and battle cramped
a mind no longer stable
if you want a superpower
a moral this should be
what will never empower
is crude invisibility
Minsters in the passage
red box on the knee
pleading for their jobs
you can't possibly sack me
I know how to glad hand
I can take favours from all
the party will be poorer
when the back benches call
my friends will desert me
if my jobs expire
I will get no free gifts
and pay subscriptions to Esquire
I will have to get a second job
write articles for the Mail
like the slimy toads that gets my job
I'll make sure the buggers fail
The conservatives are very proud of the amount of UK companies bought out by foreign investors.
They claim the companies are more efficient and make more profit, which benefits the UK.
Horlicks!
The USA tax system allows overseas investment to be put against USA taxes due.
That means if a company like Trump owes 1 million dollars they can buy a golf course for 1 million dollars and pay no tax. US treasury loses, it does not mean the UK profits. Next year the profit from that golf course goes back to the USA and another golf course is bought.
Internal investors do not care about the company they bought. They want profit, short term.
So step one reduce staff, working conditions and pensions.
Step two disband research and development and maximise profit.
Step three sell with a healthy profit line on the accounts.
With no research and development the company will fail, they will not be able to employ old staff even if they could as they will not be trusted.
America has found it is not profitable to invest in research and technology. Out of one hundred ideas, only one if ever, makes it to being profitable. It is easier to buy up a company that had the idea and made it work.
The UK should impose a new tax of 50% of the company worth on any outside investor. If they are still serious they will buy, as they have nothing to lose.
With that tax revenue you could buy a new red bus with a slogan, or better still invest it in university research facilities.
the bed is almost in half
you almost sit up straight
bored to death at nine AM
which feels like being late
wires sticking out of every part
monitoring your fate
the staff walk by on missions
with you, they can't delay
so much work, so little time
and far too little pay
they even have a slick procedure
when you pass away
visitors talk in whispers
your illness brings much fear
you promise to follow all orders
instructions you'll adhere
you know you will have to die
lord, not now, and not here
The reason for the increase in NI contributions was COVID?
Many small firms went bust.
Few made a stonking fortune.
Time to realign the tax system, not by increasing NI but a transaction tax on internet retailers.
They use the country's infrastructure and don't pay for it.
They out compete the high street by not paying a fair tax.
Just for a start, all internet transaction, which will include Amazon, eBay, Alibaba apple etc. will have to pay for every transaction 5 p would be a fair start.
If you are a billionaire you are not paying a fair tax. Paying your way is better than lopping off your head
Boris the oven ready
never makes mistakes
never watched a spider
never burnt the cakes
never rallied the troops at Harfleur
with a speech of do or die
just stood at the despatch box
telling lie after lie after lie
spoilt indulgent childhood
inglorious misspent youth
the lying little shite
will never tell the truth
Food shortages won't happen
that's just project fear
said that believable Nigel Farage
the BREXIT pioneer
now the shelves are empty
tis a pity and a shame
shift the blame to Covid
or immigrants are to blame
don't worry about your income
and your manufacturing skill
the brain drain and jobs overseas
as standards slip downhill
Boris the ever truthful
honest to the core
has promised the sunny uplands
and unicorns galore
there is money aplenty
you can get on the housing rung
just sign up as a Tory supporter
and get some honours for a bung
