lying in state

In the back bar of the Queens Head, Auchernumpty, Hamish and Hugo McPhee were arguing about who cheated at dominoes. Both compulsive cheats, so they knew how the other did it.

The Landlord rang the last orders bell.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been told the Queen is dead. As a mark of respect this bar will close on time. There will be no after hours drinks today. Thank you.”

“You ken what that means, "said Hugo

“Aye” said Hamish. “Every copper for miles around will be guarding the coffin as it journeys to where ever. We will never get caught.”




The two brothers made plans for the burglaries they would commit. If they avoided the Royal procession, and kept rural, they could be rich men by the time the Queen was buried.




They decided to do the farms first. Most farms were well lit with cameras. One, off the beaten track, with poor lighting, and no cameras looked promising. They parked the white transit van and walk the short drive up to the croft of Dunbanking. The lights were on in the byre, but the house was in total darkness. They donned their Rangers scarf and Celtic Balaclava, a ruse to confuse witnesses.




The House was small and shabby. Light patches on the wall indicated objects once hung. There was no wide screen TV set top box or recorder. On the mantle piece was a book. Either side of the book , dust marks where objects once stood. The book was the stock register. They picked it up. The book which was full of yellow fallen stock movement forms. Under the book were porn tickets.

They shrugged returned the book, placed a fiver on the top and left. The crofter was worse off than they were, which seemed odd as they produced food.




No good doing crofters, they thought they would try some one professional. The teachers house was near by. Looking through the window they could see the teacher fast asleep at his desk. He was surrounded by homework to be marked. There was little furniture, the house was cold, the fridge empty. They put a fiver on the table and left.




Over the van radio they heard,” the coffin is solid oak with six gold handles draped in the Royal Standard.”

“do you think they are real gold handles” asked Hugo

“ Aye, bound to be.” said Hamish “She's no being burnt, so wont be plastic gold coloured, and they can afford it. It'll be on expenses.”

“What if we nicked a gold handle, “ said Hugo “No one would miss it, it being under the flag. The big boys in Glasgow would show some respect if we pulled it off.”

“Where's best place to nick it” said Hamish

“Not Edinburgh too many coppers. London will be hard to police, they will have to ship coppers from all over. They say they are coming from Cleveland police. With the Met police in charge and Cleveland police as back up, Its too good to miss. They set off for London.




St. Boris of cock-up and blunder, was sent to Westminster Hall due to staff shortage. He took up position at the listening post, a conduit of thoughts and prayers. He overheard one old lady say

“ I wish the Queen was still alive.” Many seemed to agree with her.

St Boris eager to prove his worth set about restoring the Queen. They did it with Lazarus to universal approval it seem a good way to redeem himself with those above.




The royal standard slipped off, as the coffin lid rose. The Queen hoped to greet her loyal subjects but the queue cleared faster than it formed.

“Don't just stand there, help me out this box.” said the Queen

The guard of soldiers helped her down.

“Is there anything her Majesty would like?” asked the guard.

“I'm a bit peckish.”

“Would Ma'am like her special sandwich?”

“Smoked Salmon , and cheese, and bring some biscuits.”

“Duchy Originals Ma'am.”

“Certainly not, Garden Cabin Biscuits or Stockans Oat cakes if they haven't got them. Make sure its Berwick Edge cheese.”

“I'm afraid Ma'am only Cornish cheese in the Palace now, Davidstow or nothing.”

“The staff have the Doddington Cheese , The Cuddy's Cave has not been started.” said the other guard.

“Wonderful, Cuddy's Cave will suit her Majesty.” said the Queen

“ Would her Majesty like a marmalade sandwich in the meantime?”

“certainly not , what gave you that idea!

So what has my son been up to while I was asleep?”




The guard and the Queen sat down and watched the videos of Charles signings and speeches. She was not amused.

Charles arrived.

“Charles, these videos I've been watching, don't do you service. For a start that thing with not enough room on the table. I would have dropped the hint that a bigger table would be required if the ink stand remained. The ink stand would have been removed. It would be their idea not your stroppy finickity, remember that. Now the incident with the pen, it will not do!

All you are ever asked to do is sign something, cut a ribbon, or draw a curtain. You must have at least two functioning pens on you at all times. If one makes a blot or a splatter, you can make a joke about oil spills unless it is with the Saudi's. Never use a red pen , its blots will look like blood stains, not popular with the kind of people we have to suck up to. Always ensure you have a roll of duck tape, a can of WD40, a hank of baler twine, an Opinel knife, and a jubilee clip on hand in case of an emergency.

Now follow me Charles and I want to show you how uncomfortable the coffin is.”

“God help us, said Charles under his breath, I wish it was as it was before.”

Charles was passing the lords conduit when he spoke and St. Boris gladly obliged.




The Body of the Queen lay in state for three more days before the funeral. The solid oak coffin with five gold handles was laid to rest in the vault with her Mother, Elizabeth the Queen Mother, the late King George IV, and her husband Prince Phillip.

delivery delivery delivery

In April the government responded to a £1000 hike in energy costs by paying poor families (those on fixed income like pensions and universal credit) a hand out to cover the cost. That money runs out in January. No rise in fixed incomes will be available until April. A funding Gap.

The government will try to fix the price of energy to £2,500 that is £1,500 more than was paid in March.

The Poor say the government does not understand their plight.

The Conservative Government refute this accusation and say they are delivering to the people.

Not many of the poor want poverty delivered so effectively

Cost of living crisis and fuel.

The UK government strategy for keeping the lights on has been competition . A number of small companies out bidding the big six for power and selling electricity cheaper. The Government encouraged shopping around, not building new power generation systems. The market will provide, not of concern to the Tax payer.




As the cost of fuel increased so did the failure of the small power companies. To safeguard consumers, Ofgen the government regulator had a capping system. No power company could charge above that rate. The rate was fixed yearly.




As companies went bust the price cap was thought to be the problem. It was decided that more frequent reviews were necessary, not to protect the consumer but safeguard profits of remaining companies.




In April the cap was raised by £1,000 plunging families and the economy into crisis.

Rishi Sunak the chancellor at the time devised a direct support system to help out. The maximum paid to those on universal credit. This replaced the £20 a week (£1,400 a year) the government took off them.




Now the cap is to double in cost. We have a new Prime Minister , What can she do?




The bosses of the big six call on the government. These bosses with eye watering pay and even more bonuses live an extravagant life on company expenses. They want protection.




If nothing is done the public will default on payment, all the companies will go bust, the lights will go out, and the streets will erupt in riot and violence. This is clearly not acceptable.




She could nationalise the power generation companies. This will save millions on bosses pay. Nationalise power companies are common in Europe. Tax payers money is used for the common good.




She could double the support to low income families, as done previously. When prices are high so is the support. As the fuel is more plentiful and prices fall so the hand outs can be reduced.




What she intends to do is support the power companies with loan guarantees, to the tune of £100bn.

The money will be clawed back by the power companies from increasing energy costs, above inflation for over 20 years. The tax payer takes the hit on the loan. The customer takes the hit on the energy costs, thus pays twice for the power. Prices will never go down even if fuel does. There is no incentive to build a green power generation system.




Some one will get a directorship when they leave office.




If this happened in any other country this government would call it corruption.

This government calls it Conservative values

They don't like demonstrations

They don't like demonstrations

bring laws for absolution

which causes a rebellious response

against the constitution

swift and draconian action

seems the best solution

but this angers the middle class

with a liberal contribution

which will cause an unchecked revolt

leading to revolution

and the chopping off of heads

of the financial institutions

Taxation

The Tory party of England is punishing Farmers, and reducing subsidies. It has come up with public money for public good. Now is the time to apply this to taxation.

Stonking profits hidden in offshore accounts is not fair or equitable. Tax should be flexible and for the common good, after all, that is its intention. Every company gets charges the same corporation tax at 20% , even struggling companies that do good.




For example Macdonald's. This company encourages a throw away society. Packaging can be found 10 miles from the store thrown in a hedgerow. They exploit the local community that has to pay for the clean up. A company that lets others clean up its mess gets large band taxation 50% plus. They can get a bit of relief if they can prove containers bought and containers recycled. They have to recycle not allowing a community to do it. If after a few years of trading and no change, then a hike in taxation.




Social network sites, don't you just love the adds and the inappropriate links to other sites to look at. They get many complaints of inappropriate sites and conduct but do little to protect clients. Every complaint should be a tax revenue stream the more complaints, the more tax. They would soon become compliant and serve customer needs not profit from scammers and abusers.




Energy companies, they hammer the poor, so hammer them. They will get relief for aid to poor households and ethical trading. Hit with high taxation they may feel trading in the UK is not that profitable, Good. Power transmission can be handed back to the UK government.




Transportation, rail is best and better in public hands. No subsidies for companies just fair taxation Maintaining unprofitable routes gets a bonus. Links between towns and cities not just London good,

everything into London and out again Bad.




Supermarkets: Food: local short food miles, good, bulk bought shipped to warehouse then shipped back out to where it was grown , bad, and taxed accordingly.




A good taxation system will encourage ethical standards and a benefit for all.

Leadership race last five

 

“Now political sport, Gary”

“Yes Huw we are at the hustings for the final laps of the leadership race. The contestants have picked their colours. Green and red obviously rejected, so the runners are in shades of Blue. There was a sinister Black but Priti Patel is out. So in dark blue Rishi mac sleaze face, In navy blue Liz Kinky boots, Royal blue Penny Boris with Boobs, Light blue Honest Tom and blue with Ukraine flag edging Kemi Badenoch.

The next hurdle was designed by the public. The runners will approach a hurdle and be thrown brown envelopes of £1000 to the left will be the old and pensioners to the right disabled and those in poverty, What will they do.

First at the hurdle is Rishi the lad. Nicely done grabbed wads of envelops in his right hand and flipped them into his back pocket. With his left hand he removed them and stashed the lot in an off shore account. I doubt if there will be a trail to follow.

Kemi has grabbed a handful saw people watching and handed them to a voter to dispose of as is best.

Liz has also grabbed handfuls stuffed them in her boots and strode off defiantly.

Penny saw the envelops and got her flunky to collect them, she will take a cut of the proceeds.

Tom walked past has no idea what a brown envelop is for, Should he be in politics?

At the end of this lap one more will be eliminated from the race. For some there is profit in this lap so far.

Now back to the studio to watch paint dry, Huw”

To the dogs

“and now time for sport, but not horse racing, I think we are going to the dogs, is that right Garry.”




“That's right Justin, normally we go racing from a well known venue but today we are at the dogs. The Westminster dog track. The main event is not run by well tuned greyhounds, but a motley pack of whippets.




Race goers will know how Big Dog cheated his way to being top dog. Well that was the past Big dog is down. Not brought down by the punters but by his motley pack of followers from the same kennel.




This race over a number of weeks will eventually bring forth a winner but it is not by racing but by manoeuvre. The race is in two parts , first is positioning the final race between two dogs is a straight run off. By far the most interesting part is the first part or manoeuvre.




Each dog runs around to get sponsors. Normally this is only eight backers. These backers are the bargaining chips.

The first round of the race each runner slags off the others. This is called the posture, shows what you are made of. At this stage no one is out to win only collect backers. The more backers you collect the more you have to bargain with to get a top job in the cabinet.




At the end of the first round the lowest backed dog has to withdraw, and this is where it gets interesting. The looser gets to choose a candidate they think will win and pledge their backers in support. This will ensure no new blood has a chance of winning, only ex cabinet members in the know and corrupt. The remaining candidates must know what job the defeated will accept. Its all bluff and promise.




After a number of run offs the field is left with two racers. Backers of the wrong candidate knows they have lost the chance of a job if they choose badly. This is where it gets brutal, nasty and ugly. For the punter it is pure blood sport.




Once down to two candidates it is up to the swivel eyed loonies to vote. The rhetoric and promises are bizarre. Remember the voters are not the general public but loyal Tory voters. So tough on crime anti Europe, down with Russia and China, bring back hanging, fill all potholes in the roads. and dual the A1 in Northumberland.




At the end is a winner, not the best person for the job, but some one that can accept favours, corrupt , and will promise to lower taxes on the super rich.

They will do as the bankers demand, pander to the press barons, reward donors with titles and privileges. They will then tax and punish the poor and sick. We are all in this together whatever the emergency.

They will stay in office until the general election where they will bribe the voters, promise the world and get the sponsors and press to destroy the opposition with propaganda and spin.




So Justin an interesting few years at the dogs, over to you in the studio.”