Thursday, 12 January 2017

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Sc.01 INT INSIDE THE PUBLIC BAR OF THE DUKE OF YORK - DAY

Bob is sitting on the stool at the bar. His walking sticks are hooked on the rail. He has four glasses of brandy in front of him. He is looking for some one.

He looks up in recognition and waves. Steve joins him at the bar. They shake hands.

Steve sits on the vacant stool. Bob passes a glass of brandy towards Steve.

Steve Bit early for me thanks, how are you doing? Sorry I couldn’t make the funeral. You know how it is these days.

Bob I understand, thanks for coming today I know how busy you are

Steve I heard it was a good send off

Bob How long have we known each other? Forty years, ever since we were at school. It’s hard; I really miss her you know.

Steve I know

Bob Now the kids have gone, no children around the house, we were looking forward to our time again. Time to be together, close, do what we want; now it’s all gone.

Steve I know

Bob Are you and Marjorie close, you know, not bothered with protection, pills and stuff?

Steve A bit personal!

Bob Well are you using protection.

Steve No, not now, too old for that.

Bob Still close?

Steve Of course we are. Still married, still, well expressing our feelings.

Bob takes a drink of brandy from one of the glasses.

Bob Barbara was raped.

Steve what!

Bob Yes, raped while I was in Brussels.

Steve Where?

Bob At the school. That PE teacher Jeffers, he raped her in the gym, in broad daylight during the lunch break. She screamed but no one came. Would you believe it, a fellow teacher? How can the children learn respect?

Steve Did she report it?

Bob Oh yes, did it by the book, went to the police, had the medical, swabs, and the humiliation. But they didn’t prosecute. You know they even said that if she told the school she could get done for malicious behaviour unless they had a good case.

Steve Well did they have a case?

Bob No they said her bruising was not enough to show a real struggle.

Steve Did she tell you?

Bob Oh yes, when we were driving back from the airport. She was upset, didn’t want to talk, but I pestered her. She told me in the car. I was more concerned about her than the road, and well, that was the cause of the accident.

Steve I’m sorry I never knew.

Bob Three months in a coma, but I could hear her voice. Talking to me every day, telling me she loved me, she cried a lot. I came back because of her, didn’t let go. She stood by me throughout the stay in hospital, every day of the eighteen months she visited. Then!

Steve Must be tough

Bob Tough, she killed her self, the day before I was to be released from hospital. I never had a chance to be, close.

Steve We feel for you, Marjorie and I.

Bob Do you now.

You see she wrote a note. Twenty-seven pages why. You get a mention. She was depressed had all the facts from the police and hospital, still in her night-dress.

What was it Steve, too much boob showing, Marjorie not that rounded, not big enough for you?

Steve Look

Bob No you look, you forced your way in, forced yourself on her. She let it happen. Never moved, she just cried. Not very satisfying was it not what you expected?

Steve It

Bob It was like that, it’s in the note. She trusted you, you were friends, all those years, and you.

Well you: how could you.

Steve But

Bob Don’t but, Steve. It wasn’t because of that, you were not the reason. It was Jeffers he was the reason. He has HIV she had results from the hospital that she had full blown AIDS.

Bob slides the remaining two glasses of brandy to Steve.

Bob Here, you have them, tell Marjorie I am really sorry, she doesn’t deserve it.

Goodbye Steve

Bob swivels off the stool collects his walking sticks and staggers out the bar.

End

tales from the long bar- O'Mally in the dock

Doherty and Cromwell entered the bar

“Things don't look too good, the usual for yur self and Cromwell I take it.?” Asked Pat

“Aye .” said Doherty

“Here read this to O'Dell, while I pour your pint.”

“What's this O'Dell?” asked Doherty

“It's a letter, to me , personal like.”

“It'll be a scam, ditch it.” said Doherty

“No, No, No, it was not on a computer but came through the mail. How can it be a scam if not through a computer.”

“The post is what they used before they got technical. Did you look at the envelope first? This has a postal stamp for Nigeria, do you know any one in Nigeria?”

“No, but I might do.”

“More know Tom Fool, than Tom Fool knows.” said Doherty

“Well I don't.”

“Don't what?”

“Know Tom Fool.” said O'Dell

“The Eircode is wrong. E93 not F93. It's a wonder it ever found you.”

“Just my thoughts, you know there was no postage on it. I had to pay a euro to have the letter,”

“What kind of eejit is that.”

“The sender, aye, not getting my address right, then not paying postage. So, thinks I, they could be related.”

“This is a scam a bad one at that, listen to this. If you break the chain of contact nothing but bad luck will follow. You must list three people you know, and that you want good fortune for, to keep the power of the scroll. It lists those that broke the chain and had ill fortune. Here's a good one Alfred Einstein, I assume is suppose to be Albert, failed to find the theory he was looking for, and spent all his life wasted looking for a theory he couldn't explain. I assume you have to forget the theories he did come up with. All scientist are for ever searching, there is never going to be an answer to a question just another question.

Here's another Napoleon, failed to keep the chain going and was defeated in battle of Agincourt.

And this one Nell Gwynn executed with the Guillotine.

Robert the Bruce burnt the cakes! Henry the sixth had eight wives! It's utter tosh the lot of it. Written by a total eejit.” said Doherty

“So they could be related.” said O'Dell

“I hope you didn't call the premium line number?”

“No, not yet, I am out of credits on the phone.”

“Well this is what I think of your Nigerian friend.”

“You can't do that, you can't rip up some ones mail, Doherty.”

“For your own good O'Dell, and for the poor unsuspecting that will be named by you to keep the thing going.” said Doherty

“Who would you name,O'Dell, if allowed to.”asked Doherty

“Well, obviously you Doherty, but why I don't know, as you is ungrateful. Then there is Pat, and O'Mally, who actually needs some luck, if you had not forgotten.”

“I had not forgotten, but you had. I didn't see you in court. Obviously Pat couldn't, but they read out his character reference.”

“So that is Cromwell then not one of your puppies.”

“Of course it's Cromwell, you eejit, when did you see a puppy this old and crotchety.”

“Well, you said they was leaping ahead in growth, and one was mega hairy, I never assumed that Cromwell would take to being with any one, except O'Mally. So how come he is with you.”

“O'Mally asked me to look out for the dog if the worst happens, and it has.”

“Oh what happen in court?” asked Pat

“It didn't start well, and seem to go down hill there after.” said Doherty. “ O'Mally should have gone to the circuit court and had a jury try him, but he was persuaded to go with the District court and the judge only. It didn't stop the court having a smartyarse prosecutor. O'Mally was a lamb to the slaughter. First they told him to read the card and swear the oath. To which he says he didn't have his reading glasses. So they read the card out and he repeated the words. Then they read the charge. That he wilfully killed and dispose of, a protected bird of prey, how did he plea. To which O'Mally said it was very difficult for him, as it could be said, he did it, but on the other hand, it was not that wilful, so he is not really guilty or innocent. The prosecutor said did you kill the bird? And O'Mally says no not killed, put it out of its misery,

At this point the judge seemed to be quite reasonable and asked O'Mally to explain in his own words what happened and he would decide if he was guilty or innocent. And yer man O'Mally agreed. O'Mally said he was returning home after a fishing expedition when he heard a bird in distress screeching. So he goes to investigate and finds a peregrine falcon caught in a gin trap.

He then goes on to say how diabolical a gin trap is and how he would never use one.

The prosecutor said he was a poacher and illegally fishing and setting traps for rabbits as he has been prosecuted for poaching before.

Not this time, says O'Mally, he was fishing for sport with a rod and line. He says it is just this sort of accusation that made him act hasty. The bird was in distress and dying horribly, he could not continue to listen to the poor creature in so much pain, so put it out of his misery. He could of left the body in the trap, but it would be a terrible sight to come across, for a child going to school. For decency, he decided to remove the bird.

When he got the bird home, he was overwhelmed by the beauty of such a fine beast. It would be a shame to loose such beauty, so he decided to skin it, stuff and mount it, having done some taxidermy when a young lad. This left the problem of the meat. With the world resources stretched, it would be criminal to throw the flesh away, so he cooked it up, and fed it to the dog.

At this point the judge seemed sympathetic, and could see O'Mally's dilemma. He said he had a mind to be lenient with him under the circumstances. So before he passed the sentence the judge wondered if O'Mally actually tasted the meat before feeding the dog. O'Mally said just like you, your honour, He did had that niggling curiosity, and admitted he did taste the meat. So what did it taste like asked the judge. O'Mally said it was difficult to describe for it was not too tough. There was a sweetness and a touch of bitterness to it, it would be difficult to compare it to another meat.

Try your best said the judge. And O'Mally says it was not like chicken, or duck. It was milder than goose. On reflection he said, it was a bit like swan.

At that the judge threw a wobbly and sentenced him to the maximum of three months.

And I have Cromwell here, for three months also.”

“How is Cromwell doing with the puppies?” asked 'Dell

“A real softy. One of the pups has the same markings as him, but huge feet.”

“That's the thing with pups, they grow into their feet, the bigger the feet the bigger the dog. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't grow to Cromwell's size if they have humungus feet.” said O'Dell

“Where is he sleeping?” asked Pat

“In the porch with the puppy's at the moment, but he seems to be happy there. He has a mind to bark and bare his teeth, if some one comes to the door, but that has only happened the once. Come to think about it we have had very few callers recently.”

Monday, 17 October 2016

tales from the long bar- Lobsters

Doherty entered the bar.

“You look like you could do with a drink.” Said Pat “What's happened?”

“Don't ask.” said Doherty

“But I think he just did.” said O'Dell

Cromwell the Irish wolfhound moved from his normal spot, under the table, and sniffed Doherty's leg. For some strange reason Doherty stroked the dog affectionately.

“Hey, Doherty has touched your dog, O'Mally.” said Pat

“It wasn't my fault, the dog was provoked.” Said O'Mally “How many fingers did he take off?”

Cromwell sat by Doherty quiet and well behaved.

“My goodness, looks like Cromwell likes Doherty. What have you done?” asked O'Mally

“Nothing, he just came up sniffed my leg, and sat there. Without thinking I stroked him. Look still have all my fingers.”

“But I thought you was a cat person, why has Cromwell suddenly taken a shine to you.” asked O'Mally

“I think I know, it could be the puppies.” said Doherty. "Siobhan brought them back from work.”

“At the bank!” exclaimed Pat

“Didn't I tell you she no longer works at the bank.” said Doherty. “twenty seven years service for the Irish Bank and just because some high up has lost squillions, the counter staff are being got rid of.”

“They call me tick, but even I can see that's stupid. How are they going to serve customers if no one is to serve them.” said O'Dell

“On line banking.” said Doherty

“No I can't see that,” said O'Dell “ I have a second hand computer at home and I can't see no slot for money.”

“You don't use money any more, it's all credit cards, Paypal, and Bacs.” said Doherty

“So lets see if I have this right.” said O'Dell “ I orders you all a drink, how much would that be Pat?”

“With O'Mally and an ashtray for Cromwell, that would be 13 Euro's.”

“So I says ,thank you Pat, put it on the slate and I'll pay at the end of the month by credit card. And you Pat, will say, thank you for doing business with me. Is that right Pat?”

“No, I say, don't be a fecking eejit, go to the hole in the wall and get me 13 Euro's, or you are barred.”

“Don't get a weegie on Pat, I was only saying hypochondria like. To prove a point.”

“Hypothetical, surely.” said Doherty

“No, this is between me, and Pat, as if it could happen.”

“What Doherty is trying to say is, hypochondria is not the right word, Hypothetical is what you should have used.” said Pat

“Is that so, mister socleversmartyarse, so what is the difference, Doherty?”

“If you are not ill, and think you are ill, that is Hypochondria, Hypothetical, is to suppose you are ill.”

“But I'm not ill.”

“Hypothetically you could be.” said Doherty

“But I was not talking about being Ill. I was talking about having money.” said O'Dell

“Hypothetical,” said Pat tossing his head back

“Forget that stuff, to get back to the point. Just suppose some one gives me ten euros.” said O'Dell

“Then you are short of three euros.” said Pat

“Forget the drinks, just say some one gives me ten euros and I want to pay O'Mally, and Doherty five euros each.”

“Simple O'Dell, you give me ten euros, and I give you 2 five euros so you can give them to O'Mally and Doherty.”

“But you are not a bank, Pat. I want to know what happens with a bank.”

“Well first you would have to have ten euros in the bank.” said Doherty “ then you could write a cheque, or go to the hole in the wall to get cash and pay them.”

“That's the point.” Said O'Dell “How do I get the ten euros in the bank in the first place?”

“Well you would need an account.” said Doherty “then you could get paid into the bank by cheque of Bacs transfer.”

“But what if I is given, a ten euro note. How do I pay that in?”

“But you don't have a bank account.” said Pat “have you ever been into a bank?”

“Not yet. I haven't the need too. And if you can't pay money in, I don't think I ever will.”

“Don't worry O'Dell on the left as you walk in there is an emergency box. Behind the glass is a human. In an emergency, you break the glass, and a cashier will emerge to sell you a PPI.” said Pat

“Would I need a PPEI, what ever, for 10 euros.”

“Forget it O'Dell, we were having you on. Now Doherty, where is Siobhan working now.” asked Pat

“At the cattery.”

“The cattery is it, it's a wonder Cromwell didn't have your leg off.” said O'Mally

“Well my Siobhan is standing at the entrance to the cattery talking to the vet, when a boy racer in daddies toy, comes speeding round the corner, and hits a sheep dog. The car doesn't stop, just leaves the poor wee thing to die in the gutter. Luckily the vet is at hand, and although he can't save the dog, he manages to deliver a litter of puppies. Odd looking brood, collie cross some huge hairy mutt. The vet says they need to be fed goats milk, and Siobhan like a eejit says her cousin Fergus has goats. They hand the lot over to her, to look after. When the are grown, the cattery will home them, allegedly.”

“That's mighty good of the cattery.” said O'Dell

“It would be mighty good if the cattery kept them, how can we keep six puppies in our small house. The porch is covered in newspaper and stinks to high heaven. No one in there right mind would keep a puppy.”

“My dad bred dogs, we always had puppies under foot.” said O'Dell

“Well I refer the honourable gentleman to my previous statement.” said Doherty.

“what's that suppose to mean?” said O'Dell

“Stop playing with the man,” said Pat ”It's bad for customer relations.”

The phone rings

“Long bar, Buncranna.” Said Pat “ he is that. Uhu, I will that, no problem. And to you, and thank you sir.”

“That sheep dog, didn't have a brown patch on her face by any chance?” asked O'Mally

“I think so, Siobhan said, it seems to have come from Cutters farm.”

“I know that dog, canny wee thing.” said O'Mally.”It was making life unbearable when in season, had to keep Cromwell locked up. But he can always get out when he has a mind to. I wondered why it had gone quiet like. You know some owners have no control over their dogs.”

“And you have?” asked Doherty

“Master and slave me and Cromwell.”

Cromwell look up in disbelief at his slave

“That was the Garda on the phone. Gard McPhee asking about you Doherty, and you has a pint in store behind the bar, with his thanks.” said Pat

“What the.” said O'Mally “Has you turned police informer Doherty.”

“I know what that is for.” said Doherty

“Well is you going to keep it to yourself, or tell us?” said O'Mally

“I've a mind to keep it to my self.”

“See you.” said O'Mally “That's just like you, has us on tenter hooks, with some real gossip then, goes off on one, like a hermit.”

“What happens between, the law abiding and the Garda is state secret.” said Doherty tapping the side of his nose.

That's huparthetical or what ever,” said O'Dell

“Well as you seem so interested and I know you can keep a secret I'll tell yoos.” said Doherty

they all leaned toward Doherty, while he took a drink of the dark stuff.

“Well come on.” Said O'Mally

“What “said Doherty

“You was going to tell us something.” said O'Mally

“Tell you what?” said Doherty

“Go on stop teasing them Doherty.” said Pat

“Well as you know, I have to get a regular supply of goats milk from Fergus. So at the end of fishing, I call in at Portsalon to pick up the milk from Fergus, and Pay him in kind. There am I tying up at the steps, at Fanad Way when up top appears McPhee and this weasel. As it happens the weasel is the fishery office on secondment from Dundalk, due to receiving death threats. So he gets protection from the Garda to do his duty, and McPhee has to protect the weasel. I could see he was not enjoying it, as he had a face like a slapped cat. So the weasel asks why is a Buncranna boat landing fish at Portsalon, it must be black fish. And I says I was not landing fish, only collecting some milk.

Well the weasel goes into full Euro bureaucratic mode and demands I land the fish for inspection. So I hump all the fish to the top of the jetty and he pours over every one with his gauge checking on size. Then he says is that all I have to land. And I says that's all the fish I have. Then he hears some tapping coming from the boat, and goes down to investigate. He opens my metal, come in handy box, and pulls out two lobsters. Well he is beside himself with joy, as he has found shell fish on board and I am not licensed to catch shell fish. So quick as a flash I says they are not catch they are pets.

Pet Lobster says he, and I says yes they are. Then I have to explain to the eejit. I asked him if he knew what a sheep dog was.

Yes he says, they are used to herd sheep.

Well says I, them lobsters are my sheep dogs for the water. I send them off to find a shoal of fish, and they drive them back to the net, directed by my silent whistle. Well he doesn't believe me. So I offer to demonstrate. I take the lobsters from him and put them back in the water, and off they shoot into the deep.

We stand on the steps awhile looking out to sea, and he says aren't you going to whistle. And I says why should I whistle. To bring your lobsters back says he. What lobsters says I.

McPhee is up top wetting himself with laughter.”

“Aren't you worried the Fishery man will take against you?” Asked O'Mally

“I think he will be long gone by now, even Dandalk will be more preferable once the story gets out.”

“How will the story get out?” asked O'Dell

“Well McPhee knows the story, and I have told you all in strictest confidence, as a secret, so by the morn it will be known on both sides of the Swilly.”

“Your pint,” said Pat “a well earned pint at that.”

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

tales form the long bar - a life changing event

O'Mally and Cromwell entered the bar..

“Yes Pat”

“Whal'll it be O'Mally” said Pat

“Usual for Cromwell and I think I'll have some thing different.”

“Brave, for some one your age.” said Doherty

“Well if you must know, I watched the television last night, and they were advertising a new beer from those that make the dark stuff.”

“Oh a television, is it, that you have?” said Doherty “And I bet you paid the 160 euros for the licence.”

“Well I was borrowing it at the time, it being portable. As it is not mine, in my house I don't need a licence.”

“Is that so. I thought that the licence was for the house, not the number of sets or types. So if you is watching TV without a licence, you is breaking the law. and will go directly to hell, with all the adverts that you may have missed.” said Doherty

“Ah well that being the case I'll just hand it back I've seen what I wanted to see. Have you seen the channels of kack they is showing. No incentive to buy a licence.” said O'Mally

“So what was the new beer?” asked Doherty

“Can't remember, but all the smart folks are drinking it.”

“Pat what's that new beer?”

“Dunno, it's not Dublin here you know. I'll let you know when we get it. If you are still alive. So for the time being, and the next forty years what'll you be havin?”

“May as well stick with the double X.”

O'Dell entered

“I see you is all drinking, tis a pity as I was in a mood to treat yusall “ Said O'Dell “So I'd just be havin the usual then Pat.”

“And why would you be treatin usall?” asked Doherty

“Cos I have got me self a JOB.” said O'Dell “”with wages.”

“Holiday pay, sickness, and pension.”asked Doherty

“Not yet its only 16 hours a week, at present, but once they see me at work, it will come, all the perks. Sure they not wish to loose such an asset.”

“ I've had loads a jobs in my time.” said O'Mally “two timing some firms, I was so good at it.”

“Is that what they call multitasking,” asked Pay trying not to laugh

“Don't be daft multitasking is what women do,” said Doherty “yer man can't drink and think.”

“Yes I can.” said O'Mally

“Prove it.” said Doherty “Now I can't hear you thinking, so to be fair, you must say what your thinking, while taking a drink. An if you is talking and drinking, at the same time mind, I'll buy you a pint, if you can't, you buy me a drink.”

“Yer on.” said O'Mally reaching for his pint. “Now what I is thinking is this...splutter splutter splutter.”

Doherty and Pat roll around laughing. O'Mally looks down at his front, all covered in Porter.

“Ruined my best sweater.” said O'Mally “Yoos knew that would happen, fine friends I've got. All ways there to take the proverbial, but never there when needed.”

“Ungrateful old bugger.” said Doherty “ when, weren't we there for you then?

“When I was burgled.”

“When was that? I don't remember you being burgled” Said Doherty

“That was before Cromwell.”said O'Mally “It was the burglary that made me think about my safety, I have not been burgled since Crommie came to protect me. He's like a coiled spring that dog, waiting to pounce on undesirable. Your a good boy.”said O'Mally turning to face the dog. Cromwell was sleeping.

“well any way, I came home from the bookies only to find the place burgled.”

“How did you know you was burgled?” said Doherty

“Obvious the place was turned over, everything was all over the floor.”

“Right, but how did you know it was burglary? Your floor is always full of stuff, only use the cupboard when the floor's full, ain't that right O'Mally?” said Doherty

“Well if you must know, the drawers were empty and tipped upside down on the floor.”

“Did you loose anything, did you know what was missing?” asked O'Dell

“As far as I can tell they was looking for summat but they couldn't find it.”

“Now why doesn't that surprise me.”said Doherty

“That's it, my so called friend, laugh. You are just like Riley, He kept laughing when taking the details.”

“Riley?” said Pat

“The one before, the one before, the one before Gard McPhee.” said O'Dell being helpful.

“So if nothing was taken, and they couldn't find anything. Why burgle you. What was you hiding? Asked Pat.

“Well there's the thing, I think it was a warning. I told Riley I thought it was a warning. But he said he had no reports of Mr Neat and Tidy warning scruffy Herbert's to put away there socks or else. He thought he had a sense of humour, but I was traumatised I've never been able to hold down a job since.”

“But you was unemployed when you was burgled.” said O'Dell

“Oh don't you know O'Dell, Yer man was suffering pre-trauma syndrome. Knowing he would eventually get traumatised, the body goes into shock in anticipation. It makes the victim incapable of work or a normal life.” said Doherty.

“Oh, I didn't know that.” said O'Dell “ You know loads of stuff Doherty.”

“He's havin yer on.” said Pat “there's no such thing as pre trauma syndrome.”

“But O'Mally was burgled. Surely there would be all the stress, before and after.” said O'Dell

It was time for all, to finish their drinks in silence.

“Same again Pat.” said Doherty “Maybe O'Dell here, could treat us, now he has joined the working class.”

“Oh aye.” said O'Dell “You'll have to put it on the slate till pay day.”

“Only Joking.” said Doherty “Give O'Dell a fresh one, And top O'Mally up, he looks like he could do with de-traumatising.”

“Well O'Dell, you never told us what your life changing job was?” said Doherty

“I'm taking over from Flanagan, now he's been injured.”

“Postie?” said Pat

“No that was ages ago. He was attacked by a dog and was in hospital for months, he was a dustman.” Said Doherty

“No that was before traffic warden.” Said O'Mally “He slipped a disc, with the bins, and was laid off for months.”

“He lost his job as traffic warden, when they ran over his foot.” said O'Dell “He's only had this job a week, but is now in hospital.”

“So what was he doing?” said O'Mally

“Dog Warden.”

Cromwell woke up, and snared.

“You a D person?” said O'Mally trying not to mention the word.

“I start Monday, but it's nothing like you think. I just check for them for chips.”

“Dogs are not suppose to have potatoes.” said O'Mally

“Don't be daft man.” said Doherty “He means identification chips. You have a scanner, and it tells you, who owns the dog.”

“How do you mean?” said O'Mally

“It's a bit like the bar code in the supermarket. Instead of telling you the price, it tells you the name and owner.”said Doherty

“You has a poor opinion of me, Doherty but this time, I know you are telling porkies. I've been to Dunnes and I've never seen them putting as dog through the till.”

“It's a hand held device, they find a stray, scan it, to see if they can find the owner. If its not chipped, they take the dog to the pound. Isn't that right O'Dell.”

“So, what dog, would you do that to?” asked O'Mally

“ A stray, a dangerous dog.” O'Dell was aware Cromwell was now inches from his ankle and growling.

“And who says if a dog is dangerous.” said O'Mally

“Well if it's not chipped, stray, or looks dangerous according to the Dog Warden.”

At the words Dog warden, Cromwell pounced and pinned O'Dell to the floor.

“When do you start.” asked O'Mally

“On second thoughts, I'll go back to the FAS office and see if the traffic warden job is still going.” said O'Dell, released from Cromwell's hold.

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

tales from the long bar - O'Mally's millions

“Drinks all round, they're on me.” shouted O'Mally entering the bar.

The customers called Pat from the lounge and placed their orders.

“Right lads, there you are, now who's payin?”

“O'Mally” they all shouted.

“Give me them drinks back and no one touch a drop until you paid for it.” shouted Pat agitated

“You, O'Mally, I've a mind to ban you again you haven't been banned for almost a fortnight.”

“Now Pat, keep your hair on.”said O'Mally swaggering toward the bar. “I have here a notification.”

O'Mally searched his pockets and brought out a crumpled piece of paper. He smoothed it out on the bar.

“There Pat read what it says.”

“Where did you get this from, it doesn't look very professional, not what the lottery would send you.”

“And you would know would you Pat.”said O'Mally with an arrogant air.

“Well O'Mally I can tell what has been printed on a home computer, and not what is done professional like.”

“Well yes I did print it out but it was on my computer.”

“Your computer, yours.” said Doherty

“Yes mine, every one has a computer now a days.”

“Well I don't.” said Doherty

“Nuff said,” said O'Mally

“And where did you get a computer from O'Mally, If yoos has loads of cash you could start paying off your slate.” said Pat

“Well if you must know cousin Joe gave me it. He says it is a very secure computer you have to sign on as Simon Jenkinson then fill in the password. This is so no one can access it without your permission.”

“Unless your name is Simon Jenkinson, whose computer it probably is.” remarked Doherty

“Don't be daft.”said O'Mally. “Mind you if a Simon Jenkinson tried to steal it I'd soon tell the Garda.”

“I think you'll find cousin Joe stole it from Simon jenkinson.” said Pat

“You goin to tell the Garda Joe stole a computer?” Asked Doherty

“Spose not, blood's thicker than water.” said O'Mally

“Aye and nothing thicker than O'Mally blood, aint that right?” said Doherty “So what are you being notified of?”

“That I have won the post code lottery mega rollover prize. See there 1,654,000 euros. That's my post code, so I have won.”

“O'Mally's spelt wrong, they have O'Manny.” said Pat

“Its my post code.”

“Its also my post code and most in the bar, they haven't had a notification.”said Pat

“Well they probably didn't play.”

“Did you.”asked Doherty

“Well I must of done cos I won.”

“Well how much was the ticket?”asked Doherty

“I can't remember, must have had a few.”

“You can't remember buying a ticket, so how can you win?” asked Doherty

“There's loads of things you do on line that you can't remember.”

“Yes I heard about them from the confessional.” laughed Doherty

“What passes between a man and his confessor is private. Father Ambrose had no right telling you.”

“ He didn't, I heard you. Just because father Ambrose is half deaf, its no need to tell those living in Kerry your confession. If you shouted any louder you'd lift the roof.”

“I pass father Ambrose my confession on a slip of paper.”said O'Dell being helpful.

“We know.” said Doherty “father Ambrose reads it out aloud at the top of his voice because he can't even hear him self talk.”

“It says here you have to phone the number to claim your prize. Its a premium rate number.”said Pat

“Well its a premium prize.”

“No you eejit, a premium number is one that cost you a euro a minute, They get the difference between the normal cost of a call and a euro, Its a scam. Look here you have to tell them your bank details so they can put it straight into your bank.”

“well I think that is good of them.”

“They are crooks.” said Doherty “ all they want is for you to stay on the phone for an hour listening to music while they clear out your bank account.”

“they can't do that, I'm overdrawn.”

“they will use your identity to raise a loan.” said Doherty.

“who would give me a loan?" said O'Mally

They all agreed he had a point, Of all the people to scam O'Mally was a stupid choice.

The bar door burst open and filling the space was Garda McPhee.

“Don't none of yoos move,” said McPhee “We are looking for a master criminal Simon Jenkinson. We know he's here. No use hiding him.”

“What's 'ee done, this master criminal?” asked Pat

“What hasn't he, more like it, money laundering, internet scamming, smuggling, in fact every thing from selling indulgences to bribery of the Pope. The man's flighty, but we know he is now operating from Buncrana.”

McPhee's radio burst into life

“Buncrana patrol this is Lifford control, priority secure message, over.”

“Control this is Buncrana patrol, Give me a few minutes I'm in the midst of felons.” replied McPhee. “don't none of yoos move. I shall be out side on the radio.”

“Well if only some one would have warned him, that the arch criminal is disguised as Shamus O'Mally.” laughed Pat

“Where you going O'Mally? You stay put until McPhee sees you. Don't want him going through the cellar do we.” Shouted Pat

The front door burst open “O'Mally, where is you?” shouted McPhee.

“I was just about to go to the loo, I'll be back in a few minutes. I think the cheese and onion crisps are off, and I don't feel too good." said O'Mally

“Is that so. Well I want a word with you, and it would be better said down the nick.”

“I'm amongst friend and innocent as driven sloe," said O'Mally

“Snow yer eejit” said McPhee

“what is.”

“Innocent as driven snow not sloe." said McPhee

“Oh is that so.” said O'Mally “As yoos has just said I am innocent, I'll be on my way, good day to you Garda McPhee.”

“You stay just where you are, I'll tell you what we know, and you can fill in the blanks.” said McPhee. “Joe O'Mally a relation of yours? Stole a computer from Simon Jenkinson. We were on to him, cos we were tracking Jenkinson internet footprint. Then suddenly the trail goes cold, and we suspect Joe has dumped the computer. Suddenly the computer burst into life and is now owned by Shamus O'Mally master criminal. So how much have you in your bank O'Mally.”

“What now?”

“Yes now.”

“At the moment I have an arrangement with the bank, when I get some money they can have it.”

“We saw you were heavily overdrawn until this evening, so how much do you have?”

“Less than nottin the Irish bank is banking with me, as I've nothing to give to them, at the moment.”

“So you can't explain, how your account balance is now 14 million euros.”

“I can explain that," said O'Mally “that will be a deposit from my friend General Nugomo, He's Nigerian you know. He asked if I could hold some money for him as his bank is not open, due to some corruption scandal. He asked me to look after his money for a few days, until the bank scandal has finished. I gave him my bank details, but never thought it would be that much.”

McPhee raised his eyes in disbelief.

“Is you really that thick O'Mally? I've never come across such an eejit.”

“He is as thick as that, I can vouch for O'Mally's stupidity." said Pat

“OK.” said McPhee “You are given a stolen computer from your cousin Joe. You switch it on and it says Welcome Simon Jenkinson. Who do you think that is?”

“That's the name of the computer, they all have names, like Dell, or Mackintosh, This one is a Jenkinson.”

“Then the screen is prompted by asking you to sign in. and password. What do you put.”

“well obviously the computer is called Simon Jenkinson so I type in that. Then I type who I am and then it says confirm password. So I choose a word I can remember so I types in Cromwell after my dog. That seems to be just what the computer wants, then the computer asks for the bank details and name. So I put in my bank details and name. Then it asks do I want to consolidate to that. I type yes because I don't know what it means. I'm not stupid you know, I think its something to do with terms and conditions, that you have to say yes to. Then the screen fills with loads of numbers and things so I let it run and have a beer or two. Then I get two emails one from the lottery and one from my friend General Nugomo. The computer then say some alert so I switch it off. I know nothing about no scam or trafficking.”

McPhee laughs “ the techy people have tried everything to hack into that account they never thought about using two separate passwords. Jenkinson is a clever man no one but an eejit would type in one password then type a totally different one of eight letters. The computer is programmed to recognise a six letter word followed by a seven letter then an eight letter. Very clever, only an eejit would deliberately type it wrong. That computer is vital evidence, Would you like to assist the Garda with their enquiries, or spend years in clink?”

“I'm all for helping the Garda,” said O'Mally.

“Good man. Am I right to believe O'Mally was buying some drinks?” asked Mcphee

“He was that” said Pat

“Well at this moment he has money in his account. So if you are quick, you could take his card, and pay for all the drinks, a thousand euros should do it . Providing you remember mine is a crate of black label Bushmills.”

Pat brought a crate of undiluted Bushmills from the cellar, and slid it across to McPhee. He then poured Mcphee a full glass of the finest porter.

“A toast,” said McPhee “To O'Mally's Millions.”

“O'Mally's Millions.” they all toasted

	scene 1
	SOUND TRACK OF HEAVY RAIN AND FOOTSTEPS RUNNING SOUND TRACK OF DOOR OPENING AND FADING IN THE SOUND OF BAR ROOM BACKGROUND CONVERSATION WITH A JUKE BOX PLAYING JARRING POP MUSIC
CLIVE WHITE (CHALKY):	Aye aye Alan on yer own this evenin?
ALAN WOOD (SLINGER):	Clive pause still raining then
Clive:	Does it ever stop? I’m even wet under the arms! Are they both in the public bar?
Alan:	just George on tonight service is slow
Clive:	(close) George lounge
George:	Evenin Chalky White haven't seen you for some time. What’ll it be then?
Clive:	pint of bitter please, and Alan?


Alan:	Pint please George.
Clive:	You have a short there Alan
Alan:	Just the chaser will do chalky
George:	So just two pints then
Clive	And one for yourself thanks George
George :	thank you Chalky that will be a white wine then. Not seen you for some time are you on the wagon?
Clive:	No not on the wagon just haven't been out much lately
George:	Still in the Coastguards are you, They would be lost without stanch members like You and Mr. Woods here?
Clive:	Course! Why?
George:	Haven't seen you boys in here since pause Well for some time
Clive:	Did you turn up for last nights training Alan?
Alan:	Forgot (said unconvincingly)
Clive:	Me too
George:	There you are lads, That will be six fifty please chalky.
Clive:	There you are.
George:	That’s a twenty pounds thanks
	SOUND OF A TILL OPENING – AND MOVEMENT OF COINS
GEORGE:	Sorry Chalky no fivers, they seem to be an endangered species
George	You OK Alan?
Alan	Course why you askin?
George:	You don't seem your normal happy self.
Alan:	What’s it to do with you any way?
George:	Don't snap my head off just interested in your welfare that’s all lad.
	SOUND OF BAR STOOL BEING PULLED OUT AND PERSON SITTING DOWN
(OFF VOICE):	George any chance of service in the bar?
George:	OK coming. You two alright for a moment?
Clive	For the time being. LAUGHTER FROM THE BAR
CLIVE:	What’s happening next door?
Alan:	They seem to be baiting Burma.
Clive:	Burma?
Alan:	Yeah Burma, You know the scruffy bastard that begs outside the supermarket when he gets the chance.
Clive:	Still don't know who you mean.
Alan:	The old lag with the medals pinned on an old army trench coat, With the limp and the collie dog. Well sort of collie, old smelly dog, grey muzzle that sits up and begs for coppers
Clive:	I think I know the fella. Has the brown paper bag round his bottle of plonk?
Alan:	That’s the fella. We stopped him walking into the sea a couple of years ago.
Clive:	So what are they doing with him
Alan:	Trying to get him to recite poetry, Flanders field!
Clive:	How’s he doing?
Alan:	How do you think making a pigs ear of it.
	MORE PEELS OF LAUGHTER FROM THE BAR
	Long pause
Alan and clive:	Talking at the same time
Alan:	Sorry mate you were saying?
Clive:	Did you see the match on Saturday?
Alan:	No I missed it, any good? (in false enthusiasm)
Clive:	Don’t know I missed it as well
Alan:	Not like you Chalky, only you and the manager seem interested, and he has to be there. You must be the only one that bloody pays
	SOUND OF THE BAR DOOR OPENING AND PERSON WALKING TOWARDS THE BAR
JOHN SKIPTON:	Alan, Clive what you having lads
Clive	I’ll get this. George lounge bar when you're ready
George:	What can I get you gents?
Clive:	Another pint for me, Alan?
Alan:	whiskey please.
Clive	And a whiskey for Alan. and john?
John:	Red wine please.
George:	Any particular type?
John:	What's the house red?
George:	A Merlot I think.
John:	That'll do nicely.
George:	Regular or large?
John:	Large please.
Clive:	What are you chuckling about George?
George:	Just a joke I overheard in the public. How many plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
Clive:	Dunno George
George:	Four one to change the bulb and three to complain about the way the bulb was changed last time
Alan:	(agitated) and how many publicans does it take? four one to keep the lights out so they can short change customers. One to take a bribes from the candle manufactures. one to change the cellar to duty free drinks. and one to touch up the barmaids bums.
George:	OK Alan, I forgot you were a plumber!
George:	Right Clive that will be seven pounds ten please.
Clive:	Take it out of that.
George:	Do you have the ten?
Clive	There you go.
George:	Thanks.
	SOUND OF TILL OPENING AND RATTLE OF COINS
(OFF VOICE):	George when you're ready?
GEORGE:	Three pounds change thanks Chalky (raised voice walking away) coming
John:	Cheers Clive, Alan, good health
	SOUND OF DRINKING AND BREATH OF SATISFACTION
JOHN:	Bloody ‘ell, its not bad wine this one, George is slipping.
CLIVE:	Looks like Bloss’ something!
John:	Oh right, same as what Janice buys
	LONG PAUSE
John:	You two OK?
Alan :	What do you mean?
John:	You both haven’t turned up for training since, Pause sentence unfinished
Clive:	Been busy that’s all (unconvincingly)
John:	Alice OK?
Clive:	What are you getting at Skip? (agitation) Alice is fine why?
John:	Janice saw her yesterday says she was looking a bit peaky
Clive:	Time of month probably, she’s been a bit short recently. Wonder she didn’t snap Jan’s head off.
	LONG PAUSE WITH SHUFFLING NOISES
John:	Either of you got some time off next month in the day?
Clive:	what for (guarded).
John:	Child safety workshops, that’s all.
Alan:	George, How’s about some service?
George:	Keep your bloody ‘air on You’ve all got drinks.
Alan:	I need another Whiskey.
George:	You don’t need, you want.
Alan:	Smart arse, there’s more pubs than this you know.
	DEEP BREATH SOUND OF WALKING AND GLASS ON THE OPTIC
Alan:	A double while your at it.
George:	Five pounds please.
	SOUND OF COINS SLAPPING DOWN ON THE BAR
ALAN:	Take it out of that.
	SOUND OF MOVING COINS THEN THE TILL OPENING AND CHANGE BEING THROWN IN
CLIVE:	I'm just going to wash my hands, won't be long.
John:	George takes a lot of stick and has been good to the team in the past. Has he upset you Alan in some way?
Alan:	Smug bastard that’s all. pause Looks down his nose at the likes of us.
Clive:	George the towels need to be refilled.
George:	Ok I’ll sort it shortly.
John:	Well, any takers for working with children for the safety week. Ruth says you have a week off?
Alan:	did she now? (with raised voice) Well she doesn’t know bugger all. (Long pause) I’m busy, got loads on, no time for holidays, not next week or this bloody year! (lowered voice) sorry can’t do it.
John:	Ok sorry I asked. (pause) If you want to talk about? (left unfinished) Well you know, if ? (unfinished) (Pause) Well the doors always open, any time OK ?( up beat)
Alan:	Yeah ,OK boss Pause I’m fine honest. (unconvincingly) Just very bloody busy.
Clive:	How is Jan taking it John? Is she OK?
john:	Not very well. She says she’s OK but you just know (pause) So soon after her father died! I suppose her mum was not happy being left, she just gave up living. (pause) bloody close family that one. one feels they all feel. pause well anyway.
	SOUND OF DRINKING, AND GLASS SLIDING ALONG THE BAR
GEORGE:	Another one John?
john:	No not for me George. I need to be going. Put this behind the bar for the boys please.
	SOUND OF DOOR OPENING INCREASE IN PUBLIC BAR NOISE
BURMA:	A ake up our quarrel with the foe (slurred) (Hiccup) To you from failing hands we, (quieter)we, we(Hiccup) The torch, (Louder) the bloody torch be yours to hold…. oh bugger Sod the bloody thing. Not my war anyway not a real war
	SCUFFING SOUND
BURMA:	Sorry mate, you’re my pal you are. I I am onward for a piss, and bollocks to all this. Hey that rhymes, That bloody rhymes!


JOHN:	Hold on there old son! Watch where you’re going!
Burma:	Don’t bloody touch me, Arse ole, Gerrof.


CLIVE:	(Strained voice) Alan leave him, leave him, Let go. Come on, calm down.
Alan:	(Shouting) Attack me from behind you bastard? Come on get up, get up.
John:	Calm down Alan, Stop it, stop it Let him get up.
George:	What’s going on here? Come on break it up! Break it up!
john	Alan,Alan Calm down, calm down
George:	Right you lot get out! And you Wood you’re banned! Get out!
john:	Steady calm down, all of you, lets not do anything hasty
George:	Don’t come the big peacemaker with me Skipton, get out. I don’t need you bloody Coastguards here! Out I said You are Banned That's you Alan Woods, Clive White and John Skipton out!
John:	George hang on.
George:	Just get out, take that mindless thug with you. Get out before I call the cops. Have you seen the state of ya, some bloody heroes hey! You’re a bloody mess, all of ya! All bloody mad!
Alan	(Struggling) Ban me you bastard?
John:	Alan, Alan, Come on leave them.
George	Go on clear off I don’t need your ringside antic here, clear off!
	SOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND STRUGGLING PEOPLE LEAVING
GEORGE	Sad bastards!
Burma	Sorry George. I didn’t start nuffin
George:	Its not you its them. They are all a bit touched since the school coach.
Burma:	What coat George?
George	Never mind. If I were you I’d get myself home. You’ve had enough tonight.
Burma:	No more tonight George? no more tonight?
George	Best you go out the back way. You don’t want to run into that lot again tonight, do you?
Burma:	Not tonight, George Not in planders field where poppies grow (Fading)
	Door OPENS AND SWINGS SHUT


ALICE:	Ruth Come in, good to see you, its been a while.
Ruth:	I don’t want to stop you I wont be long its just
Alice:	Come in come in I’m on my own.


Alice:	Come on lets go in the kitchen, coffee?
Ruth:	Please, White (voice sounding a bit tearful)
Alice:	Oh Ruth


Alice:	Here have a tissue The mascara’s running
Ruth:	Oh Alice I’m at my wit’s end
Alice:	Why, What on earth is it
Ruth:	Are things OK with you and Clive?
Alice:	I wish (pause) You and Alan?
Ruth:	Awful Bloody awful! (pause) He is like a total stranger Ever since
Alice	Has he told you what happened with the coach?
Ruth:	No (Long pause) Just that Ian died. It’s been over six months you’d have thought he’d have said something by now
Alice:	That’s all I got “Bloody awful Ian died, don’t ask” well I didn’t, and he never told me (pause) All the neighbours think its wonderful being married to a hero. I don’t want a hero I was happy enough with Clive as he was, not the wreck he is now. All those certificates medals, What good was that?
Ruth:	Alice (sobbing) oh Alice


RUTH	I’M OK Go on answer the phone
Alice	798544 hello yes it is speaking I did yes Uhh hhu Really Oh good, that’s great Yes thank you oh thank you Ok I’ll wait for confirmation in the post. Thank you good bye
Ruth:	Good news?
Alice:	Well Pause Things will have to change now!
Ruth:	Something wrong?
Alice:	On the contrary some things are very right but others aren’t
Ruth:	I don’t understand
Alice:	I’ll tell you later after I have told Clive.
Ruth:	Is it what you wanted
Alice:	Very much but not NOW Not while Clive (pause) Right coffee then? What about you and Alan?
	SOUND OF WATER FILLING KETTLE AND CLICKING ON KETTLE. CUPS RATTLING AND TEASPOON HITTING CUP.
Ruth:	Alan’s a mess! We were always close now I can’t get near him What about your Clive
Alice:	Clive has always been open, a bit of a loner but always open with me. Now he has clammed up, shut me out
Ruth:	Since the coach?
Alice:	Yes right back to then. (pause) every time he use to get called out, I use to get a blow by blow account of what happened. Who did what and why. It was as if he had to tell me everything, get it off his chest.
Ruth:	Now?
Alice	No After the coach he came home and never said a word. When I asked him what happened he snapped my head off. Said he didn’t want to talk about it (Pause)
Ruth:	Has he hit you?
Alice:	No he never has but I think he could if I didn’t lay off. Why has Alan hit you?
Ruth:	No but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. He is quick to fly off the handle now a days
Alice:	I keep thinking about it. I don’t think he slept well that night He certainly has not slept well since
Ruth:	Does he have nightmares?
Alice:	Oh yes! Every night Wakes up, not screaming, just makes a sort of animal noise. It’s driving me mad. Then he goes to the kitchen and makes himself a cup of something
Ruth:	Has he said what he dreams about
Alice	I asked him at first but Now I just leave him to it. Sometimes he comes back to bed! Mostly he sleeps on the settee. (Pause)
Alice:	Most mornings I find him with his earphones still on, where he has been listening to his CD an fallen asleep
	SOUND OF TINS RATTLING AND CUPS MOVING
ALICE:	Something with your coffee, I would pass over the scones if I were you, they are a bit dry
Ruth:	You bake just for the two of you?
Alice:	Why not, Clive likes home baked? Easiest way to a man's heart?
Ruth:	A cleaver would be quicker


Alice:	That would stop his daymares. If that’s what you call them, a bit like nightmares but in the day. He goes all blank like reliving something. Starts sweating and has palpitations. He says its too much coffee. That’s decaf by the way.
Ruth:	That’s OK we are on decaf as well. Alan thinks he is getting too agitated on real coffee, says he has caffeine poisoning
Alice:	Has he?
Ruth:	Of course not, but you have to humour them
Alice	You know if they were ill we would be listing the symptoms
Ruth:	Who says they aren’t?
Alice:	What ever Clive is, he is not Clive, not as he use to be
Ruth	I wouldn’t be surprised if they are all acting the same behind closed doors
Alice:	I’ll get a pen and paper
	DRAWS OPENING PENS FALLING ON A WORK TOP. RUBBING SOUND
ALICE:	Fifty bloody pens and, and only this ones working Right Nightmares? Yes
Ruth:	Definitely Loads
Alice:	Daymares or whatever? Yes
Ruth:	Yes quite a few
Alice:	Washing his hands? I can’t count the times he goes to the bathroom, never dries his hands properly. Now he is complaining they’re cracked! If that was all that was cracked!
Ruth:	No, not washing hands, would be nice to have a plumber with clean hands Does Clive smell things?
Alice:	How do you mean?
Ruth:	You know, sometimes he says he smells something It sets him off he gets all moody. He says there is a smell in the lane that leads to mums’ place. He wont walk with the children takes the car the long way round. The smell of some plant or other?
Alice	Now you mention it we use to walk round Dingle Dell, looking at the flower borders. We avoid it now. He never said why and I never pushed it. So I think smells affect him as well?
Ruth	Day and nightmares, smells How about music? Alan’s tastes have Totally changed. He use to listen to radio 1, or 2 if I moaned. Now he plays nothing but classic FM
Alice:	Clive has gone the other way. He use to listen to classic FM. Now he listens to Rap hip hop and radio 1. If I try to change the channel he gets angry
Ruth:	That’s the big one, quick to anger right?
Alice:	Right, I have to watch what I say
Ruth:	Is Clive clumsy?
Alice:	He says he drops things, I think he throws them.
Ruth:	Alan’s the same; I had to buy more mugs the other day. I drop things, but he is knocking up quite a score.
Alice:	Avoids friends? I never see a soul, never see any of the team.
Ruth:	Did you hear they all got banned from the Duke of York two weeks ago?
Alice:	He never mentioned it. Why were they banned?
Ruth:	I don’t know, I saw Ray at the Hypermarket, he said they all go to the Kings Head after a drill.
Alice:	Ugh not the Stinky Head?
Ruth:	Afraid so, no wonder Clive is washing his hands
	(pause)
Ruth:	I can’t get Alan out to see any one, he use to be really sociable now he keeps making excuses not to see people
Alice:	Clive never goes near the Coastguard station
Ruth:	Nor Alan, you can’t help but pass it on the way to the shops, but Alan goes right round the town. If I say anything he bites my head off. It’s obvious what he is doing
Alice	What is really strange, he avoids children. And the hand washing, 50 or 60 times a day and thinks I don’t notice! Good job we didn’t get the water meter fitted.
Ruth:	What about? Pause You know touchy feely stuff
Alice:	Well Clive is not what you would call romantic. No flowers on Valentines day unless it’s a pot plant, or something he can take to pieces for new cuttings. As for sex Well he is right off! Only once in three months and that was a quickie when I did every thing
Alice:	Good job women can’t get done for rape He cried like a baby afterwards
Ruth:	Bloody hell!
Alice:	Yeah bloody bloody hell! You?
Ruth:	Well
Alice:	Come on I have been very honest and up front
Ruth:	Much the same as you. Alan is more likely to lash out than make a pass
Alice:	Has he

I couldn’t see him at first Then he came out of the fog. Blood all over his helmet A bloody hand print beginning to run like a horror movie


ALAN:	You bastard! Touch me you bastard!


RUTH:	Sorry

Thursday, 12 January 2017

radio play - the incident

SOUND OF SLIDING FURNITURE

JOHN: Hold on there old son! Watch where you’re going! Burma: Don’t bloody touch me, Arse ole, Gerrof.

SOUND OF FURNITURE CRASHING

ALAN: You bastard! Touch me you bastard!

SOUND OF A STRUGGLE

DOOR BELL CHIMES – DOOR OPENING

ALICE: Ruth Come in, good to see you, its been a while. Ruth: I don’t want to stop you I wont be long its just Alice: Come in come in I’m on my own.

DOOR CLOSED SHUT

Alice: Come on lets go in the kitchen, coffee? Ruth: Please, White (voice sounding a bit tearful) Alice: Oh Ruth

SOUND OF SOBBING

RUTH: Sorry

SOUND OF SOBBING

TELEPHONE RINGING, LONG TIME

BOTH LAUGH

SOUND OF RUTH SOBBING

Alice:

Has he hit the children?

Ruth No

No not yet. just explodes You can’t see it coming Alice: Right! (angry)

This is not just about them. It’s us as well. All of us. I don’t even know what happened. The bloody queen knows more about what our men did than I do. She doesn’t have to live with them Ruth: Alan’s got a scrapbook of the incident. All letters and things.

He has his bravery award on the wall with the photograph of the presentation by the Lord Lieutenant Alice: Clive has nothing, no cuttings, nothing.

He hid the certificate in the loft. Just wont talk about anything

SOUND OF RUMMAGING IN A HAND BAG

Ruth: I found a piece of paper in his jeans pocket before I put them in the wash

Its in here somewhere Ruth: Here we are it is a bit crumpled

Alice: Its hard to read

Some kind of counselling services I’ll get a magnifying glass

SOUND OF DRAWS OPENING AND CLOSING

ALICE: Is that an eight or a three

Ruth: Looks like an eight

Alice: No matter I’ll try them both

SOUND OF A CAR OUTSIDE ON GRAVEL PATH

ALICE Clives’ car He’s back early!

SOUND OF CAR REVERSING AND DRIVING AWAY

ALICE: He’s driven off

Bugger he saw your car and buggered off Alice Right that’s it

If the men can’t do anything we will OK Ruth: Yeah

Yeah its not us its them They are ill not us God they need help Alice: We all do

I’ll phone Claire, Jan and Steph We can’t be the only ones FADE SCENE 3

SOUND OF CAR ON GRAVEL DRIVE

DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

CLIVE: Alice

SOUND OF EMBRACE AND KISSING PROLONGED

Clive I love you Alice (emotional near to tears)

Alice: There there

I love you too

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING COUPLE PARTING Alice: OK?

Clive Yeah

OK Alice: Coffee?

Clive: Yeah OK

Not now though

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Alice: I should send to counselling more often

How was it? Clive: I’m suppose to talk to you its good for me

But not before my coffee you galley slave Clive Ouch! that hurt

I have a delicate bum you know, needs to be shown some tenderness and respect. Buttock abuse is not in the counselling book Alice It is in mine

I obviously have a later edition Clive I’ll give you something to edit

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Clive: I shall have to subscribe for editing more often

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Alice: I love you

Clive: I love you

Just never knew how much Alice: Say you love me again

Clive: I love you again

I mean again Really love you more than before Alice: Carry on

More nice things or no coffee Clive; You know

Alice Clive White you are just not built romantic

But I love you

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Alice: You are pleased to see me

I can feel it Clive: Should we?

PHONE RINGING

Clive: Bugger!

JOHN:

Hold on there old son!

Watch where you’re going!

Burma:

Don’t bloody touch me, Arse ole,

Gerrof.

ALAN:

You bastard!

Touch me you bastard!

ALICE:

Ruth

Come in, good to see you, its been a while.

Ruth:

I don’t want to stop you

I wont be long its just

Alice:

Come in come in

I’m on my own.

Alice:

Come on lets go in the kitchen, coffee?

Ruth:

Please,

White

(voice sounding a bit tearful)

Alice:

Oh Ruth

RUTH:

Sorry

No not yet.

just explodes

You can’t see it coming

Alice: Right! (angry)

This is not just about them. It’s us as well. All of us.

I don’t even know what happened.

The bloody queen knows more about what our men did than I do.

She doesn’t have to live with them

Ruth: Alan’s got a scrapbook of the incident. All letters and things.

He has his bravery award on the wall with the photograph of the presentation by the Lord Lieutenant

Alice: Clive has nothing, no cuttings, nothing.

He hid the certificate in the loft.

Just wont talk about anything

Its in here somewhere

Ruth: Here we are it is a bit crumpled

Some kind of counselling services

I’ll get a magnifying glass

ALICE Clives’ car

He’s back early!

Bugger he saw your car and buggered off

Alice Right that’s it

If the men can’t do anything we will

OK

Ruth: Yeah

Yeah its not us its them

They are ill not us

God they need help

Alice: We all do

I’ll phone Claire, Jan and Steph

We can’t be the only ones

FADE

SCENE 3

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING COUPLE PARTING

Alice: OK?

OK

Alice: Coffee?

How was it?

Clive: I’m suppose to talk to you its good for me

But not before my coffee you galley slave

Clive Ouch! that hurt

I have a delicate bum you know, needs to be shown some tenderness and respect.

Buttock abuse is not in the counselling book

Alice It is in mine

I obviously have a later edition

Clive I’ll give you something to edit

Just never knew how much

Alice: Say you love me again

I mean again

Really love you more than before

Alice: Carry on

More nice things or no coffee

Clive; You know

I can feel it

Clive: Should we?

No mum

Uh uh

Not yet

Clive: I’ll make the coffee

Nothing to loose (pause)

Dad’s not often wrong (humorously)

Go on you may enjoy it(pause)

OK (pause)

I’ll call you later bye

bye

Men are only for ordering about and

Alice: And?

And what may I ask

Clive: Pause

Tickling feet

Alice: Laughing

Don’t you dare

Clive I told you so

Giving orders

Alice: OK

So what happen today?

Clive: (Deep breath)

not too bad,

well not that bad, a bit emotional

I had to go through the whole incident again.

They did not know what it was about

Alice Nor do I

Yes I do, you are part of me I want to know everything.

I want to help

You can talk to me (pause)

As you say it’s us against the world. That’s how I feel

Just us against the world

Clive: Ok (pause)

If I get stuck and don’t want to go on.

No pushing right?

Alice: OK no pressure

Went through the hairpin bend sign and over the cliff.

It was foggy and there was ice on the road

Alice Did it go right to the bottom?

It was just balancing on the ledge with the engine part over the edge

Alice How did you hear about it?

they called the ops room and we got paged

all the team responded to the pager and went to the station

full team first time in ages

Alice: You felt you could handle anything?

Clive: Yes

I took over as breast and safety man

Alan and Ian got kitted up as the cliff rescue man

Alice: They haven’t been in the team long?

Went to school and brought up together.

A close pair, best of friends

Alice You are the regular cliff man.

Did you feel you could have done better?

Clive: (Long pause)

safer, just safer

Ian would not be allowed to (sentence trailed away)

Alice: (Change of tone more business like)

So Alan and Ian went down the cliff? You could see what happened?

Clive: Not really. The fog kept on coming in and out in waves

There was a lot going on at the cliff top.

We had all the lines down and short of hold fasts and methods for bringing them all up.

Alan’s line was attached to the winch so he was obviously the one to bring the casualties up and Ian would get them out the bus.

(pause)

I suppose

Alice: Then?

I couldn’t see him at first

Then he came out of the fog.

Blood all over his helmet

A bloody hand print beginning to run like a horror movie

(Pause)

didn’t know it was a girl at first.

So much blood

Alice: You helped them over the cliff edge?