the Road to Barnard Castle

Verily it came to pass, that I was low and down trodden. For my herd immunity doctrine had fallen on stony ground. Thus the pundits and nare -do -wells had come up in arms to save the NHS, a failing institution we were about to sell.




It was during that great darkness that people I had been in contact with, succumbed to the great plague. I was thus fearful of being in lockdown in London, in a small house, just like the majority of ordinary folk.




I gathered by chattels and headed for Durham and the great estates of my youth, knowing I shall be safe to wander vast acreages without interruption. There also was a large and well stocked wine cellar for the creature comforts.




Away from tribulations I did suffer a small affliction, not enough to encumber, but enough to wallow in self pity, and enlist sympathy at a later date




It came to pass that on the 12th of April much healed and fully hungover, that the blessed Mary did beseech me to drive. After a few miles I was overcome with a blindness brought on by an unusual fearful sight. In the midst of clear blue skies was the sun, an object seldom seen so far North.

My eyes were closed with the pain.

Then I heard a voice

“Why do you come this far North for no good reason?”

I opened my eyes in fear

“forgive me “I said “for I have come to view the slums of the new Conservative Heartland.”

By a miracle I could see. I saw a river, trees, and a green verdant landscape of pure beauty. It was too good for the Northern folk to appreciate. I walked by the river and thus came upon a local that greeted me in a warm regional accent

“eh up Southern shite, what you doing here?”

from whence I greeted him with a merry Easter.




I knew this to be a sign. I had seen the new middle England, the new Tory heartland and it was good. On the way home we passed holy water in the woods to sanctify it, and be a place of pilgrimage for years to come. For it was also the day of birth remembrance for the Blessed Mary. Next day we returned to London, the town of great inequality and suffering.




I told no one of my great experience for it was verily nowt to do with them.

Heretics of the Daily Mirror and the heathen Guardian were upon the case, so I informed Boris the first.

“Ignore , ignore, ignore” he did say "for it had happened in the past and nothing came of it."

Alas something did come of it for the evil of the left wing press had not been expunged, and they were rife with indignation. The great Boris said he would sort it. I left it to his wondrous oratory.

The Gove a troubled beast did not know whom to follow, so  halfheartedly followed Boris.

Later he changed his mind, and then back again.




Thus it came to pass I was called upon to give a great sermon in the rose garden, to the world, and be called upon by friendly press, to be contrite.




The coming of the second plague, death stalked the streets of London and losses were great.

Those that obeyed the Government ceased too, thus did mingle and mix freely, spreading herd immunity as I espoused.

amen