makeup

Does your true love use makeup?
To hold ageing at bay
With a bathroom full of bottles
Because she hates the sight of grey
Does She use paste called demabrasion?
That on her bath she’d never try
But she rubs it in her follicles
To scrape and leave skin dry 

Does she use foundation cream?
Of oils to make hands slip
Then have apply face powder
So she can get a grip
Does she use antiwrinkle cream?
To flatten out the skin
But breaks into a deep crevasse
When she smiles or grins 

Relax its what they all do
To look fresh and alive
But she will use much less of it
When she gets to twenty five

a crofter view: the Road to Barnard Castle

a crofter view: the Road to Barnard Castle: Verily it came to pass, that I was low and down trodden. For my herd immunity doctrine had fallen on stony ground. Thus the pundits and na...

the Road to Barnard Castle

Verily it came to pass, that I was low and down trodden. For my herd immunity doctrine had fallen on stony ground. Thus the pundits and nare -do -wells had come up in arms to save the NHS, a failing institution we were about to sell.




It was during that great darkness that people I had been in contact with, succumbed to the great plague. I was thus fearful of being in lockdown in London, in a small house, just like the majority of ordinary folk.




I gathered by chattels and headed for Durham and the great estates of my youth, knowing I shall be safe to wander vast acreages without interruption. There also was a large and well stocked wine cellar for the creature comforts.




Away from tribulations I did suffer a small affliction, not enough to encumber, but enough to wallow in self pity, and enlist sympathy at a later date




It came to pass that on the 12th of April much healed and fully hungover, that the blessed Mary did beseech me to drive. After a few miles I was overcome with a blindness brought on by an unusual fearful sight. In the midst of clear blue skies was the sun, an object seldom seen so far North.

My eyes were closed with the pain.

Then I heard a voice

“Why do you come this far North for no good reason?”

I opened my eyes in fear

“forgive me “I said “for I have come to view the slums of the new Conservative Heartland.”

By a miracle I could see. I saw a river, trees, and a green verdant landscape of pure beauty. It was too good for the Northern folk to appreciate. I walked by the river and thus came upon a local that greeted me in a warm regional accent

“eh up Southern shite, what you doing here?”

from whence I greeted him with a merry Easter.




I knew this to be a sign. I had seen the new middle England, the new Tory heartland and it was good. On the way home we passed holy water in the woods to sanctify it, and be a place of pilgrimage for years to come. For it was also the day of birth remembrance for the Blessed Mary. Next day we returned to London, the town of great inequality and suffering.




I told no one of my great experience for it was verily nowt to do with them.

Heretics of the Daily Mirror and the heathen Guardian were upon the case, so I informed Boris the first.

“Ignore , ignore, ignore” he did say "for it had happened in the past and nothing came of it."

Alas something did come of it for the evil of the left wing press had not been expunged, and they were rife with indignation. The great Boris said he would sort it. I left it to his wondrous oratory.

The Gove a troubled beast did not know whom to follow, so  halfheartedly followed Boris.

Later he changed his mind, and then back again.




Thus it came to pass I was called upon to give a great sermon in the rose garden, to the world, and be called upon by friendly press, to be contrite.




The coming of the second plague, death stalked the streets of London and losses were great.

Those that obeyed the Government ceased too, thus did mingle and mix freely, spreading herd immunity as I espoused.

amen

Durham

there is scum up there in Durham
nowt but human dross
if you got rid of half of them
it would be a loss


they haven't got covid 19
they haven't got the flu
get up there amongst them
is the right thing to do


spread a bit of coughing
saliva and some spit
leave germs on the hand rails
it won't worry them a bit


there is a view so remarkable
Barnard castle way
why not give it a visit
no need to stay the day


and when the sickness is over
and the temperature is down
we'll be all in this together
as they say in London town

working day and night

PPE there is a blight
the government's working day and night
masses ordered but none in sight
the government's working day and night
we aim to serve the front line right
the government's working day and night
to win the propaganda fight
the government's working day and night
public confidence gone, serves you right
the government's working day and night
the government's working day and night
the government's working day and night

ending lockdown

Get rid of those weak and sick

those with disabilities

cleanse the country of scroungers

like in Nazi Germany





get rid of all opposition

trade unions and the law

that protect the workers

the bastions of the poor





spend money on munitions

arms and weaponry

and celebrate how good we are

with a wartime jubilee





the generation that fought for justice

that we love to glorify

we'll stick them in infected care homes

and praise them when they die

going it alone

we weren't the first to get it
saw plans other pursue
saw the list of failures
and actions that wouldn't do
they were johnny foreign
they're not like me and you


we saw the death toll rising
the panic and the fear
the lockdown and restrictions
on border and frontier
but we're not Johnny Foreign
we won't do that stuff here

as the deaths started rising
from equipment that we lack
lockdown was essential
to counter viral attack
but we're not Johnny Foreign
we stand by the union jack

the EU tried to help us
but we want to be alone
deaths have stop rising
so we've a tracker on the phone
the future too uncertain
to borrow a bankers loan

rat and seagull

Said the sea gull to the rat

wistfully looking round

are there any scraps of food

in the whole town to be found

alas said rat its lock-down

that's what the papers say

those humans can not go out

to throw their food away

there is no tasty fish and chips

no burgers in a bun

no sausage rolls from Greggs

to thrive and feast upon

the throwaway folks are stuck inside

making do and mend

spending hours on the phone

to granny and a friend

they are all doing baking

cakes from yesteryear

cakes baked for austerity

tastier than they appear

you must hold out a bit longer

do pacing more discreet

soon pubs and bars will be open

supplying vomit for the street