Welcome to the international ice skating championships. Its a bitterly cold day but we have been assured the ice is very thin in some places. So a cautious approach needed by all contestants.
The first skater to take the ice was to be Meghan Markle. But there has been a name change and other complications. We will no doubt see her later.
So first up is Priti Patel, accomplished thin ice skater, has form, but can she lift the trophy this year.
Each skater must complete standard manoeuvrers in their performance. They must do a maximum of eight jumps, a maximum of 3 spins and one step sequence. Unlike other events you can be completely airborne and have no contact with the ground or reality. The judges today seem to like blue sky and mystical. So symbolic unicorns sunny upland is an advantage in this event.
Patel has started badly, missed her footing and sacked. But has made a recovery. Landed in a prime job, with a believing patron. Slight wobble on the staff treatment, bit of bullying seems to have done the trick. Good steady performance at total about face a couple of times. Mingling spin not needed may count against her. A total lockdown called for last March was pulled off, but seemed insincere. She seems unflappable. The bullying in the early part of her routine might come to haunt her. Otherwise a good steady performance.
We await the scores. Not bad 67 at a normal event it could even be the top score
Next up Grant Shap
Another from the bullying stable. It hasn't changed his outlook or performance. Nothing learnt, nothing new seems his best policy. Dancing in a transport mode, we can expect the same bluff and brass he is accomplish at. Starting his routine with spectacular hoop jumping. Well followed party line. Manage two backward jumps while still smiling at where he had been. Beautiful spin following a jump very impressive. Oh dear, going so well when a new variant skidded across the ice and caught him unawares. Quarantine not up to standard only 1% housed in quarantine hotels . Could be the end of a promising performance, but beautifully engineered spin at the end could save him. The crowd like him, round of applause there. Now the score 66.6. Not a bad effort
flash of sequins bit of glitter, it's the Gove up next.
Skating for Lancaster, Top job so far. Got a good turn with the Brexit hoop jumping, spinning well. Some of the spins are so fast it makes him look multifaceted. Slowing down a bit, empty shelf syndrome. Quick turn of teething problems and will be all spun out well. Looks a bit wobbly, not a very convincing performance. He seems to have done enough. We expected more from this star performer, but the spin seems better than a steady direction, and improved wealth.
Scores 66.6 could have done better
There is Gavin at the rink edge. So eager this lad.
Skating for Education, previous sponsor sacked him. Education what could possibly go wrong. We all want a good performance. We all believe in a prosperous future with well educated workforce. He doesn't need to shine, just not do badly. Tripped on the rink edge, not a good start. Now he is going for it all guns blazing, a hesitation. Stumbling at an Easter lockdown. Threatening teachers and parents, not going down well with the judges. A call for disqualification and end of the dance.
The objection is overridden he skates on. Lost his confidence no pizazz. He has hobbled his way to the end of the routine, but definitely no skater.
No score judges can not agree how bad he has been
The audience seem to have lost interest. So have the judges. So we will switch you back to the studio to watch paint dry.
Welcome back to our viewers. You join us at the presentations. To be honest the performers have been abysmal. Notable among the poor performances is Mat Hancock. We thought he was skating for the NHS but it appears he has other sponsors. The performance was so bad that catching Covid was his high point.
Sunak looked like doing a good job, failed on taxing his chums but cutting wages dismal score. I would not want to be him if he became ill.
Dominic Raab total wash out talked tough at friends, caved in with despots. Left Brits in foreign jails. Appalling performance
Robert Jenrick too busy looking for a full wallet to do his routine.
Liz Truss out on a limb but manage to do a deal with Australia which we already had. Scores nothing
George Eustice bold action saving the environment then blows it all with a neonicotinoids about turn mid air and comes down on the GM side of the rink. Blown the farming industry, cheap imports and over restricted home farmers. We don't know what his routine was all about. Did the Brexit sunny uplands but with no idea of where it will all end. We were glad when his routine finished.
All the contestants are lined up for the presentation. Its Meghan of Sussex. We knew she would be here but thought she was a skater on thin ice, It appears she is the highly paid guest celebrity. She will be presenting the awards in her own subdued way.
The ice is beginning to crack. The whole cast is being swallowed by the lake. They will be rescued? Sorry about that apparently they will not be rescued as the emergency services are all out looking for a well paid second job.
The lake is still, they have all gone . They will be missed. Sorry I've been told they wont be missed. Good news the ice is reforming, we may be able to use it again shortly.
Back to the studio
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