holding back

When he was poor and struggling

the government held him back

gave him just the basics

from other peoples tax




then he had a grand idea

used others to achieve

he told them he was a genius

they worked hard cos they believed




soon he earned a fortune

taxes he could pay

but he didn't pay it

his fortune was stashed away




the poor people that he swindled

poised for the attack

now he has the money

the government must hold them back

Yorkshire nativity

A Yorkshire man and his wife

was going down the pub

they'd been travelling all day

looking forward to some grub




eh up landlord do you have

a spare room at your inn

me misses is in the pudding club

and I think she's t' begin




'ave yea tried the maternity ward

at the cottage hospital

alas they've been cut backs

and all the wards are full




maybe you have a stable

to use as a crib and bed

as the tour de France has finished

you can use the new bike shed




does it have running water

where I can brew some tea

if it did I'd have to pay

the spare room subsidy




so in the shed in a mudguard

used as a crib

they used a Tetleys beer mat

when feeding as a bib




then on the satellite TV

sponsored by Sky

they announced a dancer is born

to kiss Brucie good bye




three celebrities from Strictly

with gifts for the new king

had myrrh scented gold lame trousers

that Frank said to bring




then came traffic wardens

and sheep rustlers in a car

there were more folks in the bike shed

than in the public bar






and so the pub landlord

feeling much aggrieved

said he would be mega chuffed

if you chav's would leave




so they did a moonlit flit

in a second hand ford Ka

and never paid the lodgings

or for the drinks behind the bar




so let this be a lesson

at this festive time

stay at home for Christmas

and watch the TV pantomime

poppies

 

Poppies are red and black
They even tried them white
From First World War to Iraq
The price is never right

bad weather

 

sitting in my sitting room
outside I don't want to be
I smile and watch wet presenters
shivering on TV
reporting on the weather
with crashing waves behind
in warm heated studios
weather forecasters are confined

when old meet

when you reach that certain age
and a few more years beside
the conversation when friends meet
is who's seriously ill or died

government of lies

The government will crack down

on those they despise

those nasty tweets and bloggers

that expose Government lies

There will be a minister

he may be in disguise

sniffing round your social sites

like the cold war spies




a government of lies

is one that you can trust

world leading and world beating

resilient and robust

any question asked of them

it is always well discussed

common-sense and logic

is rarer than gold dust

want to buy a burger?

want to buy a burger?
beef are you sure?
with all the gristle and the fat
you hope the meat is pure
supermarkets reputations
for this scandal is at stake
there's such an amalgam of meats
but guaranteed not snake?

tailgating fine

tail gating and lane hogging
from today will be fined
£100 for each offence
are police budgets in decline?

the majority of courteous drivers
don't panic and relax
it's a way of making money
just a BMW tax

off to war

off to war the youth will go
planting crosses row on row
for their country they want to fight
it isn't wrong, but never right

scrooge the banker

 

the night before Christmas
Scrooge the banker was in bed
when he had a nasty dream
going through his head

he saw a customer of yesteryear
with revenge in his eye
seeking compensation
for miss selling PPI

then law courts of today
prying and digging
hitting them with mega fines
for interest rate rigging

he saw the government of future
with policies so rash
demanding public information
where he stowed his cash

he woke up in a panic
then in logic he relaxed
there has never been a government
that charged a proper tax

internet shopping

E bay and internet shopping
the concept seems so grand
with product descriptions
only estate agents understand
you pay a fortune for a product
you would reject if held in hand

post Valentine

So you could not find the rose

the colour of her cheek

or find the card with loving words

you think but never speak

you couldn't find the diamond ring

to brighten up her hand

or make a candle lit supper

that didn't taste so bland

for you are just a normal man

come and sit by me

as we take that quiet trip

that ends in Coventry

health retreat

they said go to a health retreat
to have the weight you seek
I went for only fourteen days
and only lost two weeks

Westminster breakfast treat

 

I love politicians

I love them best on toast

the most delicious that I've found

are those that lie the most




Our media savvy government

speaking with one voice

for my gourmet breakfast

I’m completely spoiled for choice

all in this together

We're all in this together

we believe in herd immunity

so the old will bite the dust

we have compliant scientist

to try and win your trust

it will only affect the poor

not the upper crust

We're all in this together




We're all in this together

The NHS on its knees

burnt out and stressed

staff look for other jobs

concerned are not addressed

other countries know their value

and willing to invest

We're all in this together




We're all in this together

an inquiry in twenty years

will search for the truth

headed up by survivors

that had it in their youth

the rich will be exonerated

the poor must find the proof

We're all in this together