Doherty
entered the bar.
“You
look like you could do with a drink.” Said Pat “What's happened?”
“Don't
ask.” said Doherty
“But
I think he just did.” said O'Dell
Cromwell
the Irish wolfhound moved from his normal spot, under the table, and
sniffed Doherty's leg. For some strange reason Doherty stroked the
dog affectionately.
“Hey,
Doherty has touched your dog, O'Mally.” said Pat
“It
wasn't my fault, the dog was provoked.” Said O'Mally “How many
fingers did he take off?”
Cromwell
sat by Doherty quiet and well behaved.
“My
goodness, looks like Cromwell likes Doherty. What have you done?”
asked O'Mally
“Nothing,
he just came up sniffed my leg, and sat there. Without thinking I
stroked him. Look still have all my fingers.”
“But
I thought you was a cat person, why has Cromwell suddenly taken a
shine to you.” asked O'Mally
“I
think I know, it could be the puppies.” said Doherty. "Siobhan
brought them back from work.”
“At
the bank!” exclaimed Pat
“Didn't
I tell you she no longer works at the bank.” said Doherty. “twenty
seven years service for the Irish Bank and just because some high up
has lost squillions, the counter staff are being got rid of.”
“They
call me tick, but even I can see that's stupid. How are they going to
serve customers if no one is to serve them.” said O'Dell
“On
line banking.” said Doherty
“No
I can't see that,” said O'Dell “ I have a second hand computer at
home and I can't see no slot for money.”
“You
don't use money any more, it's all credit cards, Paypal, and Bacs.”
said Doherty
“So
lets see if I have this right.” said O'Dell “ I orders you all a
drink, how much would that be Pat?”
“With
O'Mally and an ashtray for Cromwell, that would be 13 Euro's.”
“So
I says ,thank you Pat, put it on the slate and I'll pay at the end of
the month by credit card. And you Pat, will say, thank you for doing
business with me. Is that right Pat?”
“No,
I say, don't be a fecking eejit, go to the hole in the wall and get
me 13 Euro's, or you are barred.”
“Don't
get a weegie on Pat, I was only saying hypochondria like. To prove a
point.”
“Hypothetical,
surely.” said Doherty
“No,
this is between me, and Pat, as if it could happen.”
“What
Doherty is trying to say is, hypochondria is not the right word,
Hypothetical is what you should have used.” said Pat
“Is
that so, mister socleversmartyarse, so what is the difference,
Doherty?”
“If
you are not ill, and think you are ill, that is Hypochondria,
Hypothetical, is to suppose you are ill.”
“But
I'm not ill.”
“Hypothetically
you could be.” said Doherty
“But
I was not talking about being Ill. I was talking about having
money.” said O'Dell
“Hypothetical,”
said Pat tossing his head back
“Forget
that stuff, to get back to the point. Just suppose some one gives me
ten euros.” said O'Dell
“Then
you are short of three euros.” said Pat
“Forget
the drinks, just say some one gives me ten euros and I want to pay
O'Mally, and Doherty five euros each.”
“Simple
O'Dell, you give me ten euros, and I give you 2 five euros so you can
give them to O'Mally and Doherty.”
“But
you are not a bank, Pat. I want to know what happens with a bank.”
“Well
first you would have to have ten euros in the bank.” said Doherty “
then you could write a cheque, or go to the hole in the wall to get
cash and pay them.”
“That's
the point.” Said O'Dell “How do I get the ten euros in the bank
in the first place?”
“Well
you would need an account.” said Doherty “then you could get paid
into the bank by cheque of Bacs transfer.”
“But
what if I is given, a ten euro note. How do I pay that in?”
“But
you don't have a bank account.” said Pat “have you ever been into
a bank?”
“Not
yet. I haven't the need too. And if you can't pay money in, I don't
think I ever will.”
“Don't
worry O'Dell on the left as you walk in there is an emergency box.
Behind the glass is a human. In an emergency, you break the glass,
and a cashier will emerge to sell you a PPI.” said Pat
“Would
I need a PPEI, what ever, for 10 euros.”
“Forget
it O'Dell, we were having you on. Now Doherty, where is Siobhan
working now.” asked Pat
“At
the cattery.”
“The
cattery is it, it's a wonder Cromwell didn't have your leg off.”
said O'Mally
“Well
my Siobhan is standing at the entrance to the cattery talking to the
vet, when a boy racer in daddies toy, comes speeding round the
corner, and hits a sheep dog. The car doesn't stop, just leaves the
poor wee thing to die in the gutter. Luckily the vet is at hand, and
although he can't save the dog, he manages to deliver a litter of
puppies. Odd looking brood, collie cross some huge hairy mutt. The
vet says they need to be fed goats milk, and Siobhan like a eejit
says her cousin Fergus has goats. They hand the lot over to her, to
look after. When the are grown, the cattery will home them,
allegedly.”
“That's
mighty good of the cattery.” said O'Dell
“It
would be mighty good if the cattery kept them, how can we keep six
puppies in our small house. The porch is covered in newspaper and
stinks to high heaven. No one in there right mind would keep a
puppy.”
“My
dad bred dogs, we always had puppies under foot.” said O'Dell
“Well
I refer the honourable gentleman to my previous statement.” said
Doherty.
“what's
that suppose to mean?” said O'Dell
“Stop
playing with the man,” said Pat ”It's bad for customer relations.”
The
phone rings
“Long
bar, Buncranna.” Said Pat “ he is that. Uhu, I will that,
no problem. And to you, and thank you sir.”
“That
sheep dog, didn't have a brown patch on her face by any chance?”
asked O'Mally
“I
think so, Siobhan said, it seems to have come from Cutters farm.”
“I
know that dog, canny wee thing.” said O'Mally.”It was making life
unbearable when in season, had to keep Cromwell locked up. But he can
always get out when he has a mind to. I wondered why it had gone
quiet like. You know some owners have no control over their dogs.”
“And
you have?” asked Doherty
“Master
and slave me and Cromwell.”
Cromwell
look up in disbelief at his slave
“That
was the Garda on the phone. Gard McPhee asking about you Doherty, and
you has a pint in store behind the bar, with his thanks.” said Pat
“What
the.” said O'Mally “Has you turned police informer Doherty.”
“I
know what that is for.” said Doherty
“Well
is you going to keep it to yourself, or tell us?” said O'Mally
“I've
a mind to keep it to my self.”
“See
you.” said O'Mally “That's just like you, has us on tenter hooks,
with some real gossip then, goes off on one, like a hermit.”
“What
happens between, the law abiding and the Garda is state secret.”
said Doherty tapping the side of his nose.
That's
huparthetical or what ever,” said O'Dell
“Well
as you seem so interested and I know you can keep a secret I'll tell
yoos.” said Doherty
they
all leaned toward Doherty, while he took a drink of the dark stuff.
“Well
come on.” Said O'Mally
“What
“said Doherty
“You
was going to tell us something.” said O'Mally
“Tell
you what?” said Doherty
“Go
on stop teasing them Doherty.” said Pat
“Well
as you know, I have to get a regular supply of goats milk from
Fergus. So at the end of fishing, I call in at Portsalon to pick up
the milk from Fergus, and Pay him in kind. There am I tying up at the
steps, at Fanad Way when up top appears McPhee and this weasel. As it
happens the weasel is the fishery office on secondment from Dundalk,
due to receiving death threats. So he gets protection from the Garda
to do his duty, and McPhee has to protect the weasel. I could see he
was not enjoying it, as he had a face like a slapped cat. So the
weasel asks why is a Buncranna boat landing fish at Portsalon, it must
be black fish. And I says I was not landing fish, only collecting
some milk.
Well
the weasel goes into full Euro bureaucratic mode and demands I land
the fish for inspection. So I hump all the fish to the top of the
jetty and he pours over every one with his gauge checking on size.
Then he says is that all I have to land. And I says that's all the
fish I have. Then he hears some tapping coming from the boat, and
goes down to investigate. He opens my metal, come in handy box, and
pulls out two lobsters. Well he is beside himself with joy, as he has
found shell fish on board and I am not licensed to catch shell fish.
So quick as a flash I says they are not catch they are pets.
Pet
Lobster says he, and I says yes they are. Then I have to explain to
the eejit. I asked him if he knew what a sheep dog was.
Yes
he says, they are used to herd sheep.
Well
says I, them lobsters are my sheep dogs for the water. I send them
off to find a shoal of fish, and they drive them back to the net,
directed by my silent whistle. Well he doesn't believe me. So I offer
to demonstrate. I take the lobsters from him and put them back in the
water, and off they shoot into the deep.
We
stand on the steps awhile looking out to sea, and he says aren't you
going to whistle. And I says why should I whistle. To bring your
lobsters back says he. What lobsters says I.
McPhee
is up top wetting himself with laughter.”
“Aren't
you worried the Fishery man will take against you?” Asked O'Mally
“I
think he will be long gone by now, even Dandalk will be more
preferable once the story gets out.”
“How
will the story get out?” asked O'Dell
“Well
McPhee knows the story, and I have told you all in strictest
confidence, as a secret, so by the morn it will be known on both
sides of the Swilly.”
“Your
pint,” said Pat “a well earned pint at that.”
