off to Rwanda

We don't want people coming here

so we make a queue

then pack them off to Rwanda

such a conservative thing to do




we will fund Rwanda

build factories for the poor

with slave labour refugees

profits and bonuses  soar




there will be no single men

trying to reach our sacred ground

it will be whole families and children

that in the Channel drown

Blind trust!

When a rich Member of parliament enters the government all his business dealings are placed in a blind trust, so he will not be swayed or corrupted.

Most blind trusts are hedge funds. Hedge funds love wars, shortages, oil, gas, power generation, and off shore tax havens. Any investment that can make them rich.

for example.

The O2 Arena. During lockdown can not generate income, but as a Nightingale hospital that is never used and funded by government (NHS budget) it can generate £2M in rent (nice one Jacob).




I do not want the corrupt MP that made a stonking illegal fortune at the expense of others to loose out. I want them to prosper, not to be disadvantaged by loyal service.




What I propose is that all the MPs income and investments, should be used to buy government 4 year bonds. They will get a fixed rate of interest. The country will benefit, and more to the point any decisions made by government will be in the best interest of a peaceful country.




Worth putting to a vote?

marching feet

Tip tap marching feet

Russian soldiers on the street

will shoot any one they meet

will not countenance defeat




quick look round the bend

loyal patriot will defend

constant shelling will never end

a terror too hard to comprehend




glasses toasted vodka drink

working out what others think

in defence they will never shrink

to bring world war to the brink

Oleg

“Who is it”. said the President

The orderly entered,” Oleg Ponchenksy says he has a meeting with the president, and he thinks it is urgent” the orderly said

“Show him in” said the President

“Mr President you want me?” said Oleg

“come in dear boy, you know the boys here, Sergei Lavrov, Sergey Shoygu, and the rest, come in sit down, make your self at home, we have a job for you.” said Putin

“But I know nothing of war and fighting I am in advertising, Mr president.”

“Call me Vlad, all my friends call me Vlad, both of you.” said Putin waving his finger “ what I want from you is that American thing, that Sky blue thinking stuff. You would not believe that some peoples think I am loopy for invading Ukraine. “ He laughed They all had to laugh




“This invasion, not an invasion, internal problem, special internal problem that need special military solution. Not a problem for us, but Yankees and and Western floozies make big noise. Peoples get killed, peoples die anyway, just a bit sooner, what's the problem, I say. What I want is good news story. Some soft pinkie thing for foreign press. Something to show we the good guys.




“ Can I ask some questions, just to get some ideas where to come from.” said Oleg

“Ok fire away, we play press briefing, like Yankees, ask question.”

“Ukraine is part of Russian federation?”

“Yes and no, Yes, it should be , No, not at present.”

“Ukraine wants to be part of the Federation?”

“Yes and No, Yes our troops in the East of Ukraine and Crimea want to go home for holiday. No the others are home in Ukraine not want to go anywhere.”

“ Russia wants a peaceful solution?”

Yes and No, Those that are dead are at peace, and we will let them be at peace. The others want to be at peace, but not the same way, we want them to be at peace.”

“You will not target civilians?”

“Yes and No. Most women and children have left, the rest want to be at peace, we help them along the way. All men want to fight and are killers, must have special measure in Gulag or find peace.”

“You will supply humanitarian aid to the victims?”

“Yes and No. Our troops starving, can not give food, but would if they had some.”

“Russia will abide by international rules of war?”

“Yes and No. We will follow the rules of war when there is one. This is Special military measure not war, we follow our own rules.”

“We will not use banned weapons of war?”

“Yes and No. You are not listening Oleg this is not a war, if we go to war we follow rules. This is special measures. We want peace. Now enough questions we have work to do. Go make up some thing for damn Yankees.”




Oleg left. A few minutes later a bang was heard. Oleg was slumped over a desk, shot in the head. Underneath his body the words I want Peace.

A title for Boris

The cabinet had a meeting to discuss a title for Boris.

“Why don't we list all his achievements.” said Truss

“Too short a list.” said the Chairman

“Why don't we list what we will be remembered by” said Nadine Dorries

“ It will seem a bit too much like Nuremberg”. Said the cabinet secretary

“Well why don't we have a poll from the public what they think he should be called” said Shap

“Lord numpty mac numptyface will probably be the reply.” said the cabinet secretary.

“I know.” said the Gove “We all think of appropriate titles mix up the words like a slogan generator and see what comes out.”

The cabinet secretary read some of the words. “friend ,loyal, devoted, admirable, leader, defender of the poor, handsome.” I suspect that was yours Nadine” said the secretary.

The under secretary entered the room with a list.

“This list is what the public think of Boris, I will only read the less toxic responses .” said the secretary.

“Liar, cheat, sleaze ball, corrupt, villainous, murderer. Incompetent, egotistic, narcissistic, adulterer, ditherer, I think we get the drift.”




“So lord Numpty Mac Numptyface it is.” said the secretary

this valentine

I bought my love an opinel knife

and some baler twine

It's what a crofter always needs

so thought it should be fine

on old feed sacks drew some hearts

the colour looked divine

so I thought I was prepared

to impress this valentine

Her response was less than expected

and her language unrefined

investiture 2022

 

“Investiture list ma'am”

“Oh goody , I think I know some of these. I'll do this one ,this and this. Who?”

“Singer, modern.”

“William can do that one. This one.?”

“Environmentalist.”

“Charles can do that one”

“Scientist, that one did something with a vaccine as did the next two.”

“Charles can do them. This one ?”

“charitable works, ran a long way, also plays sport.”

“What sport?”

“One of the rugby's ma'am”

“Charles. And these two?”

“Finance, service to the Nation.”

“What service?”

“Wallpaper and carpets, Downing Street”

“Can't we let Harry do them?”