Independence

Recently released from hospital I value my independence, even though, at the moment, I most certainly am not independent. Independence is the second most precious thing we possess and like Principals, the most precious, almost unaffordable. So what is this expensive thing called independence?

It is the ability to give freely, energy, time, money, compassion, charity and love without being dependent on a return. If you do not have a home, food security, or power. You can not be independent and must rely on an abundance of independent folk in your locality. Many settle for semi independence, where they give something and receive a return. This is trade. I am reminded we are now an independent country! Yet we do not produce enough food to feed our population. With an abundance of tide, wind, and sun, we do not harvest power from these because they are hard to tax. We would prefer to dig up the ground and pollute the planet into a waste ground for financial security. “Our North sea oil” is harvested and traded in American Dollars not pounds. Our ability to trade is measured against the Dollar and the Euro. Our independent nuclear deterrent is controlled by American, our security underpinned by the USA and NATO. We import food from third world countries and pay for it with devalued pounds. We do not have affordable houses for our working population, but encourage rich individuals from corrupt countries to invest in over inflated property. Those that want to come here to work and support our country we call immigrants and make them feel unwelcome. As I am, at the moment, in need of support and far from independent, Britain too is need of support. In weeks I hope to be able to give freely again. The question is will Britain?

Being British

The easiest way to prove you are British is with a Passport. To obtain a passport requires patience. Patience is the art of being British.


HOW TO APPLY FOR A PASSPORT


A form can be obtained from your local passport office. (LOCAL), is a term used by the Passport office to mean a facility or building up to 120 miles from your home. Nearby denotes a facility from 250 to 600 miles i.e. Inverness is nearby London. Most big cities will have a passport office, so if you live outside London the passport office is nearby i.e. London. Although London is well served with an office, city dwellers don't need to use it, as a cheapish passport can be obtained from most street vendors, in what ever name you are currently using.

ON LINE You can go online to obtain a form and fill in the details. Most form applications cost around £300.00 from the search engine top hits. If you press next to around page 64 you will find the UK Government passport application page. It is free to apply for a form but the passport will obviously cost, and not just time. The government web page should only crash half a dozen times during your time on line but could be more during busy periods i.e. daylight hours 365 days a year. Frustrated with the online experience and with a new Nigerian General as a friend, you could try the post office.




APPLICATION THROUGH THE POST OFFICE


The Post Office supplies a local service to its customers. A local post office can normally be reached within a return distance of 50 miles. Not all Post offices are equipped to handle passport applications but all have the application forms. The forms are not available in a convenient rack where any toe rag can access them. You have to prove you are serious in wanting an application, which can only be accessed through one of the counter staff. The counter staff are protected from the public by a grill there is a space below to slide money under. Money, is not small change, but notes. To ensure the cashier can receive them correctly they should be pushed through one at a time the grill is too low for a finger to fit under, so great care must be taken. To ensure you can complete this manoeuvre to a satisfactory standard you can practice page feeding a Hewlett Packard printer, the frustration achieved, can be vented in the comfort of your own home, not at the Post Office counter.


PROOF OF IDENTITY A passport proves you are you. It will have a photograph of you in it. So you need to get a passport photograph. A passport photograph can be obtain from a handy coin operated kiosk normally situated in a local large supermarket or shopping arcade. The large supermarket is known as local if it located within an eighty mile return journey. The term convenient (which it obviously isn't) is for a supermarket in excess of an eighty mile return trip. You can not pre-book the photograph kiosk so have to make the journey on the off chance that it is working, switched on, and not in use as an illegal drugs dispensary by the resident collectors of Anti Social Behaviour Orders. On that extremely rare occasion that you do get to use the kiosk for the purpose intended, you must not smile. This should not be difficult, as until now you would have have nothing to smile about. Wearing somber clothing and not smiling you should look like a police photo-fit picture on the police most wanted list. On the plus side people that know you would never recognise you from the picture, However you have to persuade them that Al Capone, is really you, and they should sign the photograph stating it is a true likeness, or they will wake in the morning, with the severed head of their favourite pet.


THE RETURNED PASSPORT


if you have completed the procedure correctly, submitted the appropriate forms in good time your passport should arrive by post a few weeks after the planned flight. On rare occasions it will arrive prior to your intended journey, by minutes. Being totally stressed out, when starting your holiday, means that nothing further on the holiday can upset you. Staying next to a building site or staying the same week as two stag parties and four hen nights will be we within your updated comfort zone.


There are of course forgeries, but you can always tell a true Brit. They will be the ones with a black expired UK passport. Being British they can not be bothered with the replacement procedure. They will not be able to travel abroad, but are content to soak up the fleeting sun on Cambois beach in waterproof clothing. Although still in the UK they will have the British tea bag in an inside pocket or handbag. That is truly being British!

the wood man

It was out of bounds, punishable by flogging if caught, and so tempting.
Wisps of smoke rose aimlessly from the low chimney that could only be seen from our dormitory window. I knew I could not go alone Peter would have to go too. We said nothing just looked nodded and smiled.
The pathway by the side of Matrons block, was hidden from view, by a thorn bush. The cut thorns left scattered on the path to act as a deterrent. But we had a weapon, Shoes. All the children ran around shoeless in the summer months. In winter cast off sandals were issued, it was not cold enough for sandals but too cold for bare feet. Peter was the only child with shoes, large ugly bulky black leather. The shoes were attached to the callipers for his legs, keeping them in place. He moved slowly over the ground pushing the odd thorn twig with his crutch or shuffling them aside with his shoes, many thorns were impaled the soles. I followed slowly treading only where he led. Soon we were in the woods amidst the soft leaf litter and buoyant grass. The structure was in a clearing, hidden on the house side, by a lush green hedge.
It seemed deserted. The woodshed was not just one structure, there was a number of angular buildings conjoined. The walls were wood and the roof either thatched, wood tiled or bark. A rustic disturbing place that had no windows just half doors. No one was around so we went closer, and opened the top section of a door. The interior basked in a red glow from an oil drum brazier. Above the brazier was a large funnel that drew smoke into the metal chimney. Logs were piled against the walls; the large circular saw dominated the space with a splitting area for long logs beside it. There was large odd shaped wooded block at the other side for chopping. On further inspection it was the root of a tree that had been felled to create space, for the ramshackle building.
Should we go in?
We had come this far why not, but then we heard a sound, behind us, we turned around to see the tall stooping man looking at us. He was close, we could smell him but he did not move, as if waiting for us to run. Peter could not run, so I would not. We looked defiantly back at the man as if right was on our side, which it was not. He blinked first; ignoring us he opened the door pushing us aside and walked in. He was not that scary, he said nothing, did not tell us to go away, so we did not. We stood outside the building looking in. Ignoring us he opened the Hessian sack he was carrying, took out a dead rabbit, and began to skin, and prepare it. We watched. After he had completed his work, he placed the meat into a pot, collected water from a barrel with a ladle, and placed it directly on the fire, after removing a large kettle. The innards of the rabbit he wrapped in moss and put them on the fire. The smell was revolting. We continued watching. He tilted his head in a gesture we took as “ enter if you must”. He indicated for us to sit, so we pulled up a log each and sat opposite, feeling the warmth of the fire. The flickering flames lit up the features of the man. He wore a floppy felt hat with a cloth underneath that covered his shoulders. His face was distorted, his left eye half closed, and the skin on his face stretched as if pulled at the corner of his eye. He had facial hair on the right of his face the left side was smooth and shiny. He saw us looking. He poked the fire then busied himself with making a hot drink. After he made this, he removed the hat and cloth. We watched but said nothing, or made any sound of alarm. The left side of his face was badly burnt, with twisted skin from below the neck unseen, to three fingers wide, above the shrivelled ear. Grey hair covered the rest of his head as normal. He drank from his mug. We watched. After a while, drinking and watching, he passed us the mug to drink. It was hot with a strange grassy smell, more a hay meadow than tea. Small bits of stick floated on the top, but we drank filtering the floating debris with out lips. It tasted sweet and muddy. When the meat was cooked he placed some on a wooden bowl for himself and a wooden board for us. We ate and drank but did not talk. He looked at us and we looked at him, and for the first time in years I felt safe. After a while he started working and we rolled the logs for him to split. I say we, but only I was working Peter could not bend enough.
After what seemed like loads of chopping, the woodsman stopped and looked at Peter. He circled his fingers indicating for Peter to turn around, he pulled his shirt up over Peter's head and traced the curvature of Peter’s spine with his finger, then pulled down the shirt. He measured the distance from under Peter’s arm to the ground on one side and then on the other. They were not the same lengths. Peter had only one short crutch. No one except this strange silent man, noticed or cared. That was the first time we saw the woodsman. It was not the last. Many days we escaped, to the house in the wood, to help. Peter had new crutches made that were adjustable with holes and pegs. No one noticed his crutches, or the changes. It never occurred to any of those in charge, that Peter had one short crutch but now had two.

human husbandry by Eric the goat

Humans are social animals and can give years of enjoyment and support to all goats. THEY SHOULD NOT BE KEPT ON THEIR OWN (a cruelty issue), but thrive if allowed to interact with other humans. The ideal number is two but a complete family from grandparent to children and grandchildren can be housed together with caution. In a feral state humans congregate in large numbers in unhealthy communities called cities. This human environment is hazardous to the planet as it consumes vast amounts of power, water, and food. The only products of a city are pollution waste and toxic substances. Rescuing a human or two from that environment is not only humane and worthwhile It can be extremely productive for goatkind.

CHOOSING YOUR HUMAN

As said previously, humans are social animals but getting the right one for you is important. Highly spiced varieties, especially curry should be avoided. They have a tendency to turn feral and eat flesh. A normal pair bonding of a male and female is the acceptable beginners bundle. However surprising results have been achieved with two males or two females. They have tended to be more caring (having decided not to have children themselves) and dedicate their lives to that of goats. There is great competitions for these humans and fierce rivalry between dogs and cats for ownership. It is unlikely that a goat would be able to secure one of these pairs. The odd hermit blokie or hermitus spinsterus if available can be an ideal lifelong companion, but again they are very rare.

Going for the standard model of a male and female, normally they start with open toed sandals, long hair, beads, and flowing long skirt, the females are similarly dressed. Do not worry at this stage they have a capacity to learn. You would have checked that one is vegetarian, the other can be converted in time.

HOUSING

Unlike goats that only require shelter from the elements and good ventilation the needs of human housing is a mine field. The city feral human worships his byre. They adorn them with knick-knacks and junk they call art. Humans for some reason invented an abstract commodity called money, their housing, must reflect, the vast amounts they do not have, of this invention. Do not worry the humans you will come into contact with have already rejected money, or will have after two years as a goat companion.

Goat friendly humans think we need, what they need, in housing, so the goat byre will have running water, electricity, totally weather proof, and soft comfortable bedding. After seeing to goat needs, they will convert the derelict farm house, into a hovel, having run out of that money stuff. Don't feel guilty or worry about it, crofters thrive in squalor. They seem to be able to do without hot water, and power for years, before buying a static caravan. Crofters (as they now call themselves) spend most of their lives in caravans waiting to do up the farm house. They normally sell up long before the farm house is completed and turn feral, back in the city. The croft being sold to a feral city dweller, looking for the GOOD LIFE.

FOOT CARE

unlike cloven animals that only require hoof trimming and treatment for foot rot and scald, human feet are greatly neglected. They only have two feet, so one would assume they would look after them. Humans are exceptionally negligent with their feet. When young and the bones are malleable, they cram them into ill-fitting shoes in pursuit of fashion, (another abstract concept similar to money). By the time we see them their feet are a mess. They have corns, bunions, hard and cracked skin and athletes foot. You will note the open toed sandals of the males, and the open toed stilts of the females. The tall female shoes play havoc with their backs, by thrusting out the mammary glands to the front, and the rump to the rear. The odd shape achieved, is suppose to stimulate the male. You must act fast and stamp on their feet as quickly as possible. If you can contrive to turn the gate entrances into a quagmire, they will buy steel toe-capped Wellington boots. Wellies are the acceptable attire for the crofter. Once forced into Wellingtons they will remain the foot wear of choice.

PARASITES

Humans have limited resistance to worms. They seem to be totally resistant to lamb dysentery, pulpy kidney, struck, tetanus, braxy, blackleg, black disease and clostridial metritis so do not need regular injections of Heptovac. All crofting humans claim to suffer from Bank Managers, agricultural reps, vets, solicitors, DEFRA, and accountants. NO TRACE of these parasites have been found in the organs of crofters, but they obviously exist and an overburden of a number of these parasites can prove fatal.

FARMERS LUNG

This is a deadly fungal spore found in mouldy hay. It enters the lung and colonises the damp recesses of the air sacks, and spreads. A crofter infected must give up crofting and turn feral or die. They can wear face masks and protective clothing, but that would need a considerable amount of common sense and logic to achieve. Crofters lack both. The only solution is to trample all hay into the ground and reduce it to bedding as quickly as possible.

DIET

Unlike ruminants that have four stomachs, and camelids that have three, humans have only one stomach. You would think they would take care in what they put in it! Humans can and should eat raw food, but have a taste for anything cooked. They can survive well on fruit, vegetables, and protein in the shape of eggs fish and dairy but choose not to. The feral city human does not prepare, or cook food, but has it delivered hot to the door, or eats out. Eating out (another abstract invention similar to money) is an art form, apparently greater satisfaction is obtained if the food is minuscule and expensive. Feral humans prefer ready made to fresh, E numbers to vegetables, and everything must be wrapped with a sell by date (a fictitious number designed by shops to encourage sales). Feral humans have bookcases of recipe books, how to, and what to cook, seasonal, and otherwise. They watch endless hours of cookery programmes on TV, but make nothing more adventurous than a cup of coffee. Your crofting human tries to break the habit, by growing his own and cooking from scratch. This normally resembles green goo, but one of them seems to like it. They naturally dislike the colour green, unless in clothing, and Wellington boots, and like to cook anything except cabbage and sprouts. Sprouts are only used for one day in the winter. They are put on the plate, surrounded in meat, and moved around the plate, until everything else is eaten. On completion they are thrown away. Goats get all the peeling, but the delicious center of the sprout, is ritually boiled and discarded. This ceremony normally brings on the new year, and growing season, therefore must be adhered to. The crofting human does prepare the delicious banana skins for us goats, by removing the toxic white center. This revolting part of the banana plant has to be eaten between two pieces of bread to neutralise the toxicity.

The crofting human is in a constant loosing battle with slugs and snails in his vegetable patch. Everything he eats had holes in, just bolted, or past its best. Goats are given the lions share of the vegetable patch production, so this futile past time should not be discouraged.

Of more concern is the “Indian” a hot and spicy dish delivered to the door. We suspect that this is the source of the parasite DEFRA as the human scours badly for days after consumption. They can spend hours in the toilet from just one meal, It is horrifying to watch.

REPRODUCTION

This should be discouraged. It is logical to think that a crofted human will raise offspring, to continue the good work, of tending to all goats needs. In reality they are educated and sent to university, where they abscond to the city, to become feral in pursuit of money. Humans do not have a rutting season or a period where males smell particularly pungent and alluring. That is not to say that the males do not smell. They just do not have a season to do so. They smell quite revolting throughout the year. They have scent glands all over their bodies, unlike goats that have them behind the horn. You can not remove the horn and scent gland and reduce unwanted odours, as the most pungent area is under the arms and the groin.

It is a wonder that so many males are fertile, you just do not need that many. Some females, think males can be done away with altogether, with an efficient AI programme. The natural bonding seems to be one male and one female, so we have to be on the look out for broody behaviour of the female. A kick or head butt in the male groin can postpone breading for a month, but it is not a long term solution. Prolonged poverty and fatigue is more efficient. If you slip up and one of the humans becomes pregnant do not be discouraged. The male will try to compensate working hard for long periods, doing the work of two continuously. Any further pregnancies are very unlikely.

The gestation of a human is nine months. Four months longer than a goat. Yet they can not stand or reach the teat at birth. The young human is looked after in a secure sterile environment thus does not develop immunity and is frequently ill. You will not normally see a young human until it is about four years old, when it enjoys you eating its hair. At this age, they bring treats to show they are friendly.

THREATS AND DANGERS

The biggest threat to the crofting life comes through the post. Mail is a constant worry for the crofter, but you can spot the danger signs.

1. an increase in letters from a solicitor.
2. Letters from debt management companies
3. postcards from friends abroad on hot sandy beaches
4. notification of a visit by environmental health

Another danger is the increase in visits of close family, especially the mother in law.

They never bring Wellingtons, although allergic to, clarts, dung, mud and dirt. They carry with them boxes of wipes which they flourish at the sight or smell of anything organic. Their greatest regret is, that Jemima took up with such a wastrel, and are determined to restore the feral disciplines of greed and grab.

Any increase in the visit of tradesmen is of great concern, especially if they had spent time working on the derelict farm house. These tradesmen have failed to believe a cheque is in the post and will not be fobbed off.

A vigilant goat is a happy goat. A successful crofter is a fallacy. They are just one debt from disaster. Be mindful of what you have got from your crofter, and assist them to keep sane. Always remember, an animal sanctuary is the final resting place of a negligent goat. You must do all you can to keep your crofter, and avoid the inevitable.

Gourmet Britain

Gourmet Britain!

Nothing defines a gourmet lifestyle like purchasing prowess. The British if nothing else are dedicated shoppers. They avidly read all labels and take note of all E numbers, although not caring what they do, or what they are. They always check on the country of origin, although “Buy one get one free” and “reduced to clear” are not officially recognised as independent countries by the United Nations. (Nanny sate NIMBYism )

Buying British is important but free trade should not be overlooked, and can be ethically beneficial. Equal importance is thus given to UK goods as to the intergalactic republic of Saturn and Jupiter.

Quality marks

Britain is a nation of animal lovers and are environmentally concerned. This is why stringent rules and regulations exist in the UK to ensure animals and crops are farmed ethically and compassionately.

To ensure the public are aware of the high standards various marking systems exist. For example the red tractor means expensive, compassion in farming -very expensive, and Organic, don't be daft put it back. All products bearing these markings will remain on the supermarket shelves indefinitely until trumped with a large yellow label clearly stating “Reduced to clear.”

High street vs Supermarkets

The high street is for charity shops, bookmakers, banks, and loan sharks.

Supermarkets is where you buy everything.

It is true years ago there were independent shops selling vegetables, meat, fish, clothes, and groceries. Now this is done by the supermarkets. Supermarkets do no serve the public, they make profit for shareholders. Shareholders compete with other shareholders for market domination. This is called a price war. Price wars are what consumers want and need. During these wars, prime steak can be cheaper than Spam, dairy products cheaper than water, and alcohol cheaper than screen wash.

Innovation is the weapon of the price war. Dairy products can not be sold unless in the shape of a teddy bear, or cheese in strings.

Footfall is vitally important in price wars. The footfall of customers coming into the supermarket indicates how effective price wars can be. The footfall of producers leaving the supermarkets indicates short sighted the profit margin can be.

Vegetables

all supermarkets have fresh fruit and vegetables near the entrance. The waste of fruit and vegetables is phenomenal. Vegetables mature and rot at differing rates. It is a perceived fact that the conversion of vegetable starch into sugar reaches it optimum 4 seconds before the fruit rots. The pursuit of this 4 second fruit Nirvana is all consuming. This is why shoppers head straight for the reduced to clear rack to gain a march on the Nirvana moment. Refrigerators throughout the UK are full of sprouting, moldy, slimy, fruit, and vegetables that have just past the Nirvana by a second or two.

Meat and Fish

All meat and meat products are hygienically wrapped in disposable wrapping. It is essential this wrapping is disposed of safely. You would not want a child to eat the wrapping as they would have difficulty in discerning the plastic wrapping from the plastic meat. The packaging informs you if the meat is Dry cured, air cured, brined, smoked, hung, beaten or just neglected. It doesn't mention taste, Why should it if there isn't any.

Fish can be sold even if the eyes are dull and there is a strong smell of ammonia providing a reduced to clear label is firmly attached.

Labels and allergens

some people have allergies to certain foods. These can be life threatening, so it is important the food is labelled correctly. This does not mean that labels should be boring and uninteresting. Products containing Whey can be written in Portuguese or Serbo Croat, to stimulate the British linguistic skills.

At present there is little opposition to the domination of the supermarket. Attempts have been made to promote grow your own. This would mean dirty hands broken nails, and looking at snails.

The alternative is Farmers markets. Isn't that what they do abroad?

Fresh fruit and vegetables, meat and dairy products sold by the producer. All food tasty, and traceable, with the ability to talk to the producer about keeping, handling and how to cook.

I doubt if it will take off, just because they do it in the rest of the world is no reason the British should follow suit. After all Britain is a gourmet country.

Morish

Scar face Scarlatti's last requests was handed to the judge. Scarlatti was due for execution in the morning and it was customary to grant one last request. However requesting something that was morish was not acceptable.




The war on drugs was being won. Class A, B and C drugs were almost extinct. The battle against morish indulgences was not so easy especially Brie. Penicillium camemberti bacteria was difficult to control. Prisoners had been known to soak sponges in milk and leave in a warm place until the white mould grew. A black market of Brie culture soon sprang up in all prisons. When prisoners put the warmed culture in the ventilation shafts the prison soon became a breeding ground. If they could not control morish products in prison how could they control it in the outside world?




The government took firm action and created a Morish Czar, with overreaching powers, but not too over reaching. Every action or idea must first receive political approval. The first action was to classify morish with a system of letters, Class A the most serious included Brie, Chocolate, Cheesecake, souffle, and gateaux. Class B, sticky toffee pudding, ice cream, and Pavlova. Class C, Hobnobs, shortbread, Dundee cake, Selkirk bannocks and Border tart.




It was a known scientific fact that morish food is responsible for obesity. Obesity is the prime cause of diabetes, stroke, heart attack, bowl cancer, IBS, and listlessness(The prime cause of unemployment). Without morish food, the food industry need not invest in fancy packaging and brand identity. Brown paper sacks can be used for all vegetables as a carrot looks just like a carrot so no need to put it in a see through wrapper.




All morish food comes from abroad, i.e. chocolate and anything French. Strict border controls have to be enforced. Anything sounding foreign should be stopped and returned to country of origin. This rule came quite handy when dealing with Nigel Farage.




A crackdown was instigated on the organizers of morish food and advertising. Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith and Mary Berry were placed in special measures. A new quango was set up Offood to investigate reports of miss selling carob and sugar substitute. A special watchdog was set up under the education department to ensure all children, no matter what age or background receive wholesome bland food in school dinners. Fortunately considerable work had already been done with school dinners to ensure a bland conformity across the board. Even schools such as Harrow and Eton have been in the forefront with sago and tapioca. The most controversial area seems to be Marmite where half the population think it is a luxury indulgence, while the other think it should be used only in prison reform.




Great strides have been taken against morish food, which only leaves the problem of Scar face Scarlatti's last meal. The judge knew it could become a precedence. Finally a judgement was made. Scarlatti would be taken to a cell and injected with heroin. He would be allowed to snort two lines of cocaine before being given a portion of mousetrap cheese. He will be so far out of it, that he will not notice, or care, that the cheese is not Brie.

birthright

“I Sean Rafferty the fourth. 2.1 leprechaun fifth class (failed) claim my birthright.”

“Sean Rafferty the fourth.2.1 means.” asked the Judge

“My grandfather was the fourth Sean Raffery. There were twelve in all, but he was the fourth. My father was the second Sean Rafferty out of sixteen but I am the first Sean Rafferty from my father.”

“How many Sean Rafferty's does your father have.”

“There are only twelve at the moment, but I'm the first.”

“You could use another name apart from Sean?” the judge said

“We do.” said Sean

“Oh really and what name is that?”asked the Judge

“Rafferty” replied Sean

“Remind me again” said the judge “what actually is your birthright?”

“Dat I am the stupidest ting on earth, dat I am believed to have a crock of gold at the base of every rainbow, and only Irish men that have drunk fourteen pints of Guinness, on the Saturday of the 29th February, can be believed, to have seen me.”

“You surely have that.” said the judge “Stop wasting court time.”

“Dats the ting your honour, the owner of this bowler hat is stupider than me.”

“Don't be so perverse. Case dismissed. Next”

“No wait yur honour, not so hasty. Admittedly I don't have the eiijit that owns the bowler hat but I have this mortgage proposal form.”

Sean handed the proposal form to the clerk, who in turn handed it to the judges bench. The three judges studied the proposal.

“but this is a proposal from the Bank of Made up Names and Make Belief, formally HSBC.”

“That is true your honour.”

“And how, may we ask, did a fifth rate leprechaun get such a proposal. Have you ever worked in the laundry?”

“Never yur honour, I've never done an honest elves days work in my life.”

“I should hope not, can't have leprechauns speculating that they are honest. What did you do to elicit such stupidity, you surely must have played a trick, or used some sorcery?”

“No yur honour it was like this. I was hav'in a few with with the elves and fairies it being 17 of March, and I must have had a bit too much. It was hard to believe as I was only having small sips,”

“Many small sips I imagine.” Said the judge

“Well the Jamesons was two for one, the Guinness buy one get one free with triple nectar points, and the Bushmills on special with quadruple nectar points if you bought home made Irish stew. So I had a word with the cashier, swapping the bought and free ones until in the end, I ended up handing back the nectar point and the stew and taking the booze for nothing. It's what leprechauns do.”

“I assume you had small sips of what you bought, or not from the shops,”said the judge. “And the small sips added up to?”

“Just two bottles of Bushmill two bottles of Jamesons and a crate of the dark stuff.” said Sean, “well it was an elf holiday the day after.”

“I thought you leprechauns were always on holiday?”

“That's true your honour but when its an official holiday we don't have to pretend to be lazy we can do it natural like.”

“The man in the bowler?” asked the judge.

“Dats the ting, I was above ground when the sun cum up, I had no where to hide. Then I remember that new building site, for affordable homes, they were going to build for the workers of the new Chinese factory, before the recession. It's just rubble now, so I thought I'd hide among the demolished buildings, and pretend to be an unwanted gnome. I saw a piece of wood with Dunroamin on it, and an old cauldron, so I just sat between, hoping to be missed.

Then the man in the bowler arrives picking over the rubbish, when I belched. Cheese and onion crisp, always makes me belch, nothing to do with the Jamesons.”

“Of course not.” said the judge.

Quick as a flash the man in the bowler sees me and the cauldron and says that I was a leprechaun and he claims my crock of gold. Then he looks in the empty cauldron and asks if its mine. Well it was at the time because I had touched it and what a leprechaun touches automatically becomes his by default. Well he is not best pleased.”

“Well what happened?” asked the judge.

” the man in the bowler soon established the cauldron, the rubble, and the land, was mine by default and he offered me a loan.”

“On what, the rubble?” asked the judge.

“ No. On the six bedroom detached bungalow, swimming pool, and tennis court to be built on the site.”

“Are you expecting us to believe you will do a days work, and build a bungalow.”

“Certainly not your honour, I just has to lie that I will. It's what leprechauns do best.”

“And the man in the bowler hat owns the land, right.”

“No yur honour, I own the land. I don't really, but on paper I do. And I am going to build a house. He gives me the money for that, with a mortgage. I can then buy gold, to give to him, as forfeit.”

“where does the money come from?”

“The bank yur honour, only not from the bank because the money is dirty.”

“It has stains?”

“No you honour, I wish you'd keep up. The money belongs to the Mafia, and terrorist, but they are not suppose to have it, as it is all in cash, not cheques. So the bank has to lend it out, to get rid of it. So I have the money, or the man in the bowler has the gold.”

“But you don't earn money, how can you pay it back?”

“Ten percent of the money I am suppose to get, pays insurance for non payment to the bank. The loan is now an asset. If they bundle it with other assets, they become a security, and securities can be traded as derivatives on the market.”

“No one is going to be that stupid to buy money, and assets, that don' exist. I just can not believe you it could never happen.”

“Fred Goodwin RBS your honour.” said the clerk

“OK, one off, RBS.”

“Lehman Brothers.” said the clerk

“OK maybe Lehman as well, but no one else.”

“Northern Rock, Merrill Lynch, Goldman Sachs,”

“Point taken.” said the judge “So why Sean did he tell you this.”

“Because I asked him, and if I agreed, and knew, I wouldn't tell any one else.”

“That's disgraceful.” said the Judge

“But I did the right thing, I told him I was an undercover finance reporter.” said Sean

“What did he say.”

“Well he asked what paper, so I told him the Daily Mail. And he said he would have preferred it if I was from the Telegraph, but the Mail is OK. Then he took off, leaving his bowler hat behind. So the man is obviously stupid, and I thought that might endanger my birthright.”

“Did you tell any one.”

“Yes yur honour I told the fraud squad.”

“In Ireland.”

“No.”

“In the UK then?”

“No,”

“Well who did you tell?”

“I told the fraud squad in Switzerland.”

“You told the fraud squad in Switzerland, about fraud in a Swiss bank, and expect them to investigate. Your Birthright is secure, you must be the stupidest leprechaun I know. Get out and stop wasting my time.” said the judge