human husbandry by Eric the goat

Humans are social animals and can give years of enjoyment and support to all goats. THEY SHOULD NOT BE KEPT ON THEIR OWN (a cruelty issue), but thrive if allowed to interact with other humans. The ideal number is two but a complete family from grandparent to children and grandchildren can be housed together with caution. In a feral state humans congregate in large numbers in unhealthy communities called cities. This human environment is hazardous to the planet as it consumes vast amounts of power, water, and food. The only products of a city are pollution waste and toxic substances. Rescuing a human or two from that environment is not only humane and worthwhile It can be extremely productive for goatkind.

CHOOSING YOUR HUMAN

As said previously, humans are social animals but getting the right one for you is important. Highly spiced varieties, especially curry should be avoided. They have a tendency to turn feral and eat flesh. A normal pair bonding of a male and female is the acceptable beginners bundle. However surprising results have been achieved with two males or two females. They have tended to be more caring (having decided not to have children themselves) and dedicate their lives to that of goats. There is great competitions for these humans and fierce rivalry between dogs and cats for ownership. It is unlikely that a goat would be able to secure one of these pairs. The odd hermit blokie or hermitus spinsterus if available can be an ideal lifelong companion, but again they are very rare.

Going for the standard model of a male and female, normally they start with open toed sandals, long hair, beads, and flowing long skirt, the females are similarly dressed. Do not worry at this stage they have a capacity to learn. You would have checked that one is vegetarian, the other can be converted in time.

HOUSING

Unlike goats that only require shelter from the elements and good ventilation the needs of human housing is a mine field. The city feral human worships his byre. They adorn them with knick-knacks and junk they call art. Humans for some reason invented an abstract commodity called money, their housing, must reflect, the vast amounts they do not have, of this invention. Do not worry the humans you will come into contact with have already rejected money, or will have after two years as a goat companion.

Goat friendly humans think we need, what they need, in housing, so the goat byre will have running water, electricity, totally weather proof, and soft comfortable bedding. After seeing to goat needs, they will convert the derelict farm house, into a hovel, having run out of that money stuff. Don't feel guilty or worry about it, crofters thrive in squalor. They seem to be able to do without hot water, and power for years, before buying a static caravan. Crofters (as they now call themselves) spend most of their lives in caravans waiting to do up the farm house. They normally sell up long before the farm house is completed and turn feral, back in the city. The croft being sold to a feral city dweller, looking for the GOOD LIFE.

FOOT CARE

unlike cloven animals that only require hoof trimming and treatment for foot rot and scald, human feet are greatly neglected. They only have two feet, so one would assume they would look after them. Humans are exceptionally negligent with their feet. When young and the bones are malleable, they cram them into ill-fitting shoes in pursuit of fashion, (another abstract concept similar to money). By the time we see them their feet are a mess. They have corns, bunions, hard and cracked skin and athletes foot. You will note the open toed sandals of the males, and the open toed stilts of the females. The tall female shoes play havoc with their backs, by thrusting out the mammary glands to the front, and the rump to the rear. The odd shape achieved, is suppose to stimulate the male. You must act fast and stamp on their feet as quickly as possible. If you can contrive to turn the gate entrances into a quagmire, they will buy steel toe-capped Wellington boots. Wellies are the acceptable attire for the crofter. Once forced into Wellingtons they will remain the foot wear of choice.

PARASITES

Humans have limited resistance to worms. They seem to be totally resistant to lamb dysentery, pulpy kidney, struck, tetanus, braxy, blackleg, black disease and clostridial metritis so do not need regular injections of Heptovac. All crofting humans claim to suffer from Bank Managers, agricultural reps, vets, solicitors, DEFRA, and accountants. NO TRACE of these parasites have been found in the organs of crofters, but they obviously exist and an overburden of a number of these parasites can prove fatal.

FARMERS LUNG

This is a deadly fungal spore found in mouldy hay. It enters the lung and colonises the damp recesses of the air sacks, and spreads. A crofter infected must give up crofting and turn feral or die. They can wear face masks and protective clothing, but that would need a considerable amount of common sense and logic to achieve. Crofters lack both. The only solution is to trample all hay into the ground and reduce it to bedding as quickly as possible.

DIET

Unlike ruminants that have four stomachs, and camelids that have three, humans have only one stomach. You would think they would take care in what they put in it! Humans can and should eat raw food, but have a taste for anything cooked. They can survive well on fruit, vegetables, and protein in the shape of eggs fish and dairy but choose not to. The feral city human does not prepare, or cook food, but has it delivered hot to the door, or eats out. Eating out (another abstract invention similar to money) is an art form, apparently greater satisfaction is obtained if the food is minuscule and expensive. Feral humans prefer ready made to fresh, E numbers to vegetables, and everything must be wrapped with a sell by date (a fictitious number designed by shops to encourage sales). Feral humans have bookcases of recipe books, how to, and what to cook, seasonal, and otherwise. They watch endless hours of cookery programmes on TV, but make nothing more adventurous than a cup of coffee. Your crofting human tries to break the habit, by growing his own and cooking from scratch. This normally resembles green goo, but one of them seems to like it. They naturally dislike the colour green, unless in clothing, and Wellington boots, and like to cook anything except cabbage and sprouts. Sprouts are only used for one day in the winter. They are put on the plate, surrounded in meat, and moved around the plate, until everything else is eaten. On completion they are thrown away. Goats get all the peeling, but the delicious center of the sprout, is ritually boiled and discarded. This ceremony normally brings on the new year, and growing season, therefore must be adhered to. The crofting human does prepare the delicious banana skins for us goats, by removing the toxic white center. This revolting part of the banana plant has to be eaten between two pieces of bread to neutralise the toxicity.

The crofting human is in a constant loosing battle with slugs and snails in his vegetable patch. Everything he eats had holes in, just bolted, or past its best. Goats are given the lions share of the vegetable patch production, so this futile past time should not be discouraged.

Of more concern is the “Indian” a hot and spicy dish delivered to the door. We suspect that this is the source of the parasite DEFRA as the human scours badly for days after consumption. They can spend hours in the toilet from just one meal, It is horrifying to watch.

REPRODUCTION

This should be discouraged. It is logical to think that a crofted human will raise offspring, to continue the good work, of tending to all goats needs. In reality they are educated and sent to university, where they abscond to the city, to become feral in pursuit of money. Humans do not have a rutting season or a period where males smell particularly pungent and alluring. That is not to say that the males do not smell. They just do not have a season to do so. They smell quite revolting throughout the year. They have scent glands all over their bodies, unlike goats that have them behind the horn. You can not remove the horn and scent gland and reduce unwanted odours, as the most pungent area is under the arms and the groin.

It is a wonder that so many males are fertile, you just do not need that many. Some females, think males can be done away with altogether, with an efficient AI programme. The natural bonding seems to be one male and one female, so we have to be on the look out for broody behaviour of the female. A kick or head butt in the male groin can postpone breading for a month, but it is not a long term solution. Prolonged poverty and fatigue is more efficient. If you slip up and one of the humans becomes pregnant do not be discouraged. The male will try to compensate working hard for long periods, doing the work of two continuously. Any further pregnancies are very unlikely.

The gestation of a human is nine months. Four months longer than a goat. Yet they can not stand or reach the teat at birth. The young human is looked after in a secure sterile environment thus does not develop immunity and is frequently ill. You will not normally see a young human until it is about four years old, when it enjoys you eating its hair. At this age, they bring treats to show they are friendly.

THREATS AND DANGERS

The biggest threat to the crofting life comes through the post. Mail is a constant worry for the crofter, but you can spot the danger signs.

1. an increase in letters from a solicitor.
2. Letters from debt management companies
3. postcards from friends abroad on hot sandy beaches
4. notification of a visit by environmental health

Another danger is the increase in visits of close family, especially the mother in law.

They never bring Wellingtons, although allergic to, clarts, dung, mud and dirt. They carry with them boxes of wipes which they flourish at the sight or smell of anything organic. Their greatest regret is, that Jemima took up with such a wastrel, and are determined to restore the feral disciplines of greed and grab.

Any increase in the visit of tradesmen is of great concern, especially if they had spent time working on the derelict farm house. These tradesmen have failed to believe a cheque is in the post and will not be fobbed off.

A vigilant goat is a happy goat. A successful crofter is a fallacy. They are just one debt from disaster. Be mindful of what you have got from your crofter, and assist them to keep sane. Always remember, an animal sanctuary is the final resting place of a negligent goat. You must do all you can to keep your crofter, and avoid the inevitable.