Doris, Mabel and Cinderella

Fairy Nuff had enjoyed her leave in Never Never Land but was tardy in her return. She was placed on defaulters and marched in to the Fairy Queen's office by the Master of Wings. “Left, right, left, right.” barked the Master. “Fairies halt. Fairy Nuff able fairy second class, is charged with being absent without leave from Fairyland for five wishes. As Fairyland was due to sail for the next rainbow, and Fairyland under sailing orders. The charge is aggravated. How do you plea.”


“Not guilty your majesty. I am a hard working fairy, never been in trouble before your majesty, I was late, not absent.”


“Absent you was. You was not 'ere. if you is not 'ere , you is absent of being 'ere.” said the Master


“ I was present in spirit, and fairies if nothing are all about spirit.” said Nuff


The Queen of the Fairies looked at Fairy Nuff's service record.


“You claim you have never been in trouble before Fairy Nuff but your service record is long and complicated.” said the Queen.”For instance Snow White.”


“Ah well that wasn't actually me. There was a bit of confusion of who had the case. Dwarf's can be so pedantic especially Worktorulie.”


“I don't remember a dwarf called worktorulie.” said the Queen


“Dopey, changed his name by deed-pole after the event, now head of Royal Bank of Scotland. Apples, not a fairies job description. Fairies don't do weeding, not gardeners,”


“But weren't you responsible for health and happiness, it appears to me that the tittle of worktorulie was applied to the wrong spirit.”


“Point taken, but at the trial I was acquitted. So it should not be on my service record.”


“Quite so.” said the Fairy Queen,”However, I, ordered all incidents to be recorded even if acquitted. It gives a broad picture of your service. I note here, Hansel and Gretal, Rapunzel, Rumplestiltskin, young Ella, Red Riding Hood, The wolf and the seven little Kids, goose girl and the well. The list goes on, not guilty, not negligent, not doing anything wrong, no political wrong doing. But one has to wonder how one Fairy can be mentioned in dispatches so often.”


“Happenstance your Majesty.” said Nuff


“I've made up my mind, you will be sent to earth to assist the Fairy godmother for three spells.”


“But she's a..”


“Careful Nuff, language in front of the Queen.” said the Master


“Ah yes you have worked together before, let me think. That was it the frog Prince. Neither of you covered yourselves in glory.” said the Queen


“ Not my fault the frog kissed a moth, and was eaten by a bat.” protested Nuff.


“Three spells with the Fairy Godmother on earth, about turn quick march ,left,right,left,right,left,” barked the Master.


The Fairy Godmother was her usual disorganised flustered state.


“Too much on my plate looking after Cinderella to bother with the others.”


“What others?” asked Nuff


“Doris and Mabel the step sisters. They are so, so, awkward. They never want what is right for them. I order you to look after the interests of Doris and Mabel. I will tend for that gentle soul Cinderella.” said the Fairy God Mother


“Okey Dokey.” said Nuff


“No” said the Fairy godmother “when you understand an order you say aye aye Mam, and I reply very good , so you know , I understand, that you understand. Do you understand, we must get things done correctly.”


“Aye, Aye Mam.”


“Very good.”


“Okey Dokey”


Nuff found Doris and Mabel hiding in the study. They did not look happy and seemed to be scheming.


“what's the craic?” said Nuff


“Who are you?” asked Doris


“I'm your guardian spirit, your personal fairy, to help you through life's problems.”


“You don't look like the Pope.” said Mabel


“No I'm Nuff, the fairy, assigned to your welfare.” said Nuff


“Nuff said.” said Doris


“Heard that one.”


“Nuff of that.” said Mabel


“Heard that as well, and as we live for thousands of your human years, and been in contact with humans for more years than I care to mention, I have heard all combinations of Nuff and had enough of them.”


“Sorry.” said Doris “How can we help you?”


“No, I am suppose to help you, assist in your wishes although legally don't actually grant wishes, not yet qualified, but I enable them. For example if you have an irksome problem, I can normally assist with that. Do you have a problem?”


“Cinderella.” they both shouted.


“Your sister?”


“Step sister.” said Doris “ she is so infuriating so stupid. She can't speak a sentence without, whatever, like (numerous times) and that stupid giggle. It drives you mad. She is such an airhead.”


“Big boobs.” said Nuff


“Yes big boobs, flashing eyelids, blonde hair and a total plank.” said Mabel.


“Daddy is sure he could never marry her off, and will be stuck with her into his old age. So he hatches a plan to marry one of us off to Prince, thick as a brick, Charming. When Prince is King, and we are married into royalty, some grovelling courtesan will want to marry her. It means one of us will be stuck with prince (don't you just love Sky sport) Charming. Prince Charming has a thing about red hair and boobs.”


Nuff could see they both had red hair, and although not in the front of the big boob queue they were standing in the right place.


“Why don't you marry Cinderella off to Prince Charming?” said Nuff


“Blonde hair.” said Mabel “and not even thicko Charming, is that thick, as to want to spend time with her. That's why Daddy is hiding her away, in the kitchen, and sending us to the ball.”


“Well you might like the ball, and might find another Mr. Right that could attract some one to Cinders.”


“Hate dancing.” They both yelled.


“What do you like?” asked Nuff


“Biology, anatomy and most of all Botany.” said Doris


“Physics, Mathematics , chemistry and just love reading, especially quantum mechanics.” said Mabel


Nuff realised she had a problem. “You obviously must go to the ball, or your parents will go ballistic so we must try to make you unattractive to Prince Charming. If I can remember my spells book there is a wonderful, dye you can make with a pumpkin. We can organise realistic chaperones with a couple of rats. It won't last long, but for a few hours the rats will look like they could do two rounds with Mohamed Ali.”


“Who?” Doris and Mabel asked


“Sorry forgot you don't do sport. Quickly go and get what I need.”


An hour later the girls returned without the objects, for some reason they had disappeared from the Kitchen and so had Cinders.


“Oh dear said Nuff that only leaves drastic action. Injections!”


far from trustingly, the girls took the injections. The first two were to numb the mouth so often used by dentist. This would ensure the mouth drooped and saliva constantly flowed from one side of the mouth. The other injections were in the top of the leg, so it would drag along the floor and be impossible to dance. With the application of Ken Dodd wigs and pale make up to make them look as if they were about to throw up. The girls were ready for the ball.


To their surprise Cinderella was already there and dancing with Prince Charming. “What do they call you, you pretty thing?” asked the Prince


“Cinderella Anders. “Cinders replied


“Are you related to Jimmy and Harry Anders that played for Accrington Stanley in the 1950's.”


“I don't think so .”said Cinders “You are so clever for a Prince. You must know a lot.”


and as they danced past the girls, they could here the occasional “whatever” from the Prince and Cinders and the annoying high pitched laugh they both had.


The injections were beginning to wear off. The girls went for some fresh air on the balcony. On the balcony was the Royal Botanist and the chief Librarian bemoaning their fate, if the Moron became King. They were convinced, that in an effort to dumb down the population, all libraries would be closed, and royal parks sold off for retail parks. The girls had a surprisingly wonderful and intelligent evening. Next morning a royal proclamation was read to say that who ever fitted a glass slipper, Prince Charming would marry. The Botanist and Librarian were horrified and rushed round the the girls house just to check they were not size four and half, broad fitting. Sadly they both were. The girls were not wearing their stupid wigs or had their chests tightly bound. Both men were astounded at the beauty and intelligence of the girls.


They had to stop Prince Charming and the slipper fitting ceremony. Fairy Nuff was summoned.


“Well normally I would recommend pregnancy as a sure way to make the feet swell, but I assume that is a bit previous. I do remember a potion discovered by Doctor Jekyll. Providing we reduce the amount the effects will only occur once and have no lasting effect.”


“What will be the effect?” the girls asked


“I'm not sure but it will be polar opposite in character and shape to what you are now.”


The slipper fitters arrived at the door, to be confronted by Cinders, Angela Merkel, and Margaret Thatcher. They didn't hang around, but whisked Cinders off to the palace, where Prince Charming and Cinders lived happily whatever, like.


What of the girls? Doris married her botanist, and had two daughters Astra and Zeneca Mabel has her own library called Barter books. Her children are studying to be authors by doing a creative writing course. Both adore poetry, so are quite content to live without money.

They will pray for me

Over fatigued, I tried to get some bed rest, when the dogs went into uber bark fest.


In the lay-by, was a cross between a car, and a minibus, full of children. the two adults seemed lost. I went to help, but could see one child needed to go to the toilet, and offered the use of ours. When one child goes to the loo, they all want to go. In seconds I turned my home into a public convenience.


First in was the eldest boy, when he finished, he thanked me, and said he would pray for me. Did I look like I needed a prayer? I obviously did, because he pointed out I had no cross of the Lord Jesus in the house and the devils horns over the door. I explained the horns were left in the house when we bought it. It was an agricultural workers cottage, and at one time probably housed the stock man. The horns of a Short Horn cow (not the devil) probably told other workers where the stock man lived, in case he had to be summoned to deal with a problem with the stock, much the same way as horse shoes on a door indicated the groom or farrier.


He said you have a lot of books but didn’t have any good ones. I replied that I had the origin of the species, and the selfish gene, also the wealth of Nations and Small is beautiful. There was also the book of sufficiency, and goat management. I did not have the Bible, he told me. That was quite true, but I didn’t have the Koran, or the book of Mormon either.


How would I know how to live? I said I have the decline and fall of the Roman Empire and the fall of Cathage to show me what not to do.


He said he would pray for me! Did he think it would do any good, I asked, as there are millions of starving children in the world that pray every day, and never get their prayers answered. Why would God grant his prayer.


After a time to think, this chubby boy said, I pray because I want to, not because I need to. Therefore my prayers are more important than those that only pray because they are desperate. His prayers have been answered, even though he is not in as much need as others. Being a Christian and believing, means I am not in need and pray for the love of god, and god answers.


That is a good answer I said, write it down on a piece of paper, and in twenty years or so look at it again, and try to understand why I am so disgusted!


Luckily the remainder of the saintly family returned, offered to pray for me. I gave them the directions to the 11th century church that needs support, not to fill the pews but to upkeep the crumbling architecture.

virtually connected

Daniel is ten today, double figures, digital. Today he gets to game properly. Until now he has used the computer games his parents bought him, and used the Wii games with the family but from now on the whole of the web is open to him. He will be allowed to game on line. He will meet other gamers or their avatars and pitch his skill against the world. Daniel king of the game was excited, and bored. Bored with the other birthday ceremonies, the presents, cards and hugs for thanks. It was getting late. While he was in the bath he could hear his father grunting and cursing, and suspected the computer was at last being installed in his bedroom.

He promised not to use the computer tonight, and wait until the weekend, a promise he had no intention of keeping. He went to bed the normal time but could or would not sleep. He waited until his parents had gone to bed, before putting on the headset and switching on the computer.

He created an account, avatar, password, and profile then scanned the web for games. He won the first two games but was getting bored. The games were little different to what he normally played he craved something different. Jessica Rabbit felt the same. Jessica was aware of Virtuworld but had not joined. You could not join Virtuworld singularly you had to be part of a team or a pair. They Joined.
Daniel and Jessica made the classic error of opting to start afresh not as part of an established family. The originators tend to lose control of play. Daniel selected Scaffolder as his occupation, he was unsure what a scaffolder did but it sounded exciting. Jessica played safe with hairdresser. As a scaffolder the start of play was an area not highly prized for scoring. The credits and payment of both professions was not great but by pooling resources they managed to acquire a reasonable base or house, but with large leverage handicap.

They normalised their arrangement with a marriage contract.
Hector applied to be Daniel’s elder brother, which was accepted. James and Jeremy applied to be Jessica’s elder brothers, she also accepted Emily and Julian as younger siblings. Harry and Eve elected themselves as Daniel’s parents Jessica opted for Ruth as her parent and by rejecting Robert elected for her father to be deceased. The contacts were less than harmonious. Daniel hated Hector although Jessica thought he was rather sweet. Daniel’s parents were controlling and restrictive. Jessica’s family was very relaxed in loyalty and malicious gossips.

Daniel and Jessica felt under threat, and resentful of their allotted families. They had a desire to insulate themselves from it. They had a child, although clearly they could not afford to forgo Jessica’s wages. The child was called Neil. They selected the child’s attributes and development speed. When Neil was two they selected Emma a bright and devoted daughter. The family was complete but expensive. Daniel had to take further employment to make ends meet. Jessica seemed tired all the time and becoming unsure of her abilities. Daniel was not there to encourage her. Hector was.

Jessica was so engrossed in Hector she missed Neil’s’ scheduled download skill. Daniel arrived home just in time to commence download before it was missed. Neil’s avatar stood up and closed its eyes to download motivation schedule. Jessica and Daniel argued for the first time. Both felt aggrieved but realised success and game score depended on their unity.

They watched fascinated as Neil and Emma closed their eyes to download a skill. It was strangely satisfying. Each download added more pressure on Daniel and Jessica to improve score rating. Daniel needed to improve his own skills to improve employ-ability. This seemed a natural break for him to take from the game. He logged out of Virtuworld closed his eyes and commenced download.

radio play - the incident

"THE INCIDENT"

FADE IN:

	scene 1
	SOUND TRACK OF HEAVY RAIN AND FOOTSTEPS RUNNING SOUND TRACK OF DOOR OPENING AND FADING IN THE SOUND OF BAR ROOM BACKGROUND CONVERSATION WITH A JUKE BOX PLAYING JARRING POP MUSIC
CLIVE WHITE (CHALKY):	Aye aye Alan on yer own this evenin?
ALAN WOOD (SLINGER):	Clive pause still raining then
Clive:	Does it ever stop? I’m even wet under the arms! Are they both in the public bar?
Alan:	just George on tonight service is slow
Clive:	(close) George lounge
George:	Evenin Chalky White haven't seen you for some time. What’ll it be then?
Clive:	pint of bitter please, and Alan?

SOUND OF SWALLOWING AND DEEP BREATH

Alan:	Pint please George.
Clive:	You have a short there Alan
Alan:	Just the chaser will do chalky
George:	So just two pints then
Clive	And one for yourself thanks George
George :	thank you Chalky that will be a white wine then. Not seen you for some time are you on the wagon?
Clive:	No not on the wagon just haven't been out much lately
George:	Still in the Coastguards are you, They would be lost without stanch members like You and Mr. Woods here?
Clive:	Course! Why?
George:	Haven't seen you boys in here since pause Well for some time
Clive:	Did you turn up for last nights training Alan?
Alan:	Forgot (said unconvincingly)
Clive:	Me too
George:	There you are lads, That will be six fifty please chalky.
Clive:	There you are.
George:	That’s a twenty pounds thanks
	SOUND OF A TILL OPENING – AND MOVEMENT OF COINS
GEORGE:	Sorry Chalky no fivers, they seem to be an endangered species
George	You OK Alan?
Alan	Course why you askin?
George:	You don't seem your normal happy self.
Alan:	What’s it to do with you any way?
George:	Don't snap my head off just interested in your welfare that’s all lad.
	SOUND OF BAR STOOL BEING PULLED OUT AND PERSON SITTING DOWN
(OFF VOICE):	George any chance of service in the bar?
George:	OK coming. You two alright for a moment?
Clive	For the time being. LAUGHTER FROM THE BAR
CLIVE:	What’s happening next door?
Alan:	They seem to be baiting Burma.
Clive:	Burma?
Alan:	Yeah Burma, You know the scruffy bastard that begs outside the supermarket when he gets the chance.
Clive:	Still don't know who you mean.
Alan:	The old lag with the medals pinned on an old army trench coat, With the limp and the collie dog. Well sort of collie, old smelly dog, grey muzzle that sits up and begs for coppers
Clive:	I think I know the fella. Has the brown paper bag round his bottle of plonk?
Alan:	That’s the fella. We stopped him walking into the sea a couple of years ago.
Clive:	So what are they doing with him
Alan:	Trying to get him to recite poetry, Flanders field!
Clive:	How’s he doing?
Alan:	How do you think making a pigs ear of it.
	MORE PEELS OF LAUGHTER FROM THE BAR
	Long pause
Alan and clive:	Talking at the same time
Alan:	Sorry mate you were saying?
Clive:	Did you see the match on Saturday?
Alan:	No I missed it, any good? (in false enthusiasm)
Clive:	Don’t know I missed it as well
Alan:	Not like you Chalky, only you and the manager seem interested, and he has to be there. You must be the only one that bloody pays
	SOUND OF THE BAR DOOR OPENING AND PERSON WALKING TOWARDS THE BAR
JOHN SKIPTON:	Alan, Clive what you having lads
Clive	I’ll get this. George lounge bar when you're ready
George:	What can I get you gents?
Clive:	Another pint for me, Alan?
Alan:	whiskey please.
Clive	And a whiskey for Alan. and john?
John:	Red wine please.
George:	Any particular type?
John:	What's the house red?
George:	A Merlot I think.
John:	That'll do nicely.
George:	Regular or large?
John:	Large please.
Clive:	What are you chuckling about George?
George:	Just a joke I overheard in the public. How many plumbers does it take to change a light bulb?
Clive:	Dunno George
George:	Four one to change the bulb and three to complain about the way the bulb was changed last time
Alan:	(agitated) and how many publicans does it take? four one to keep the lights out so they can short change customers. One to take a bribes from the candle manufactures. one to change the cellar to duty free drinks. and one to touch up the barmaids bums.
George:	OK Alan, I forgot you were a plumber!
George:	Right Clive that will be seven pounds ten please.
Clive:	Take it out of that.
George:	Do you have the ten?
Clive	There you go.
George:	Thanks.
	SOUND OF TILL OPENING AND RATTLE OF COINS
(OFF VOICE):	George when you're ready?
GEORGE:	Three pounds change thanks Chalky (raised voice walking away) coming
John:	Cheers Clive, Alan, good health
	SOUND OF DRINKING AND BREATH OF SATISFACTION
JOHN:	Bloody ‘ell, its not bad wine this one, George is slipping.
CLIVE:	Looks like Bloss’ something!
John:	Oh right, same as what Janice buys
	LONG PAUSE
John:	You two OK?
Alan :	What do you mean?
John:	You both haven’t turned up for training since, Pause sentence unfinished
Clive:	Been busy that’s all (unconvincingly)
John:	Alice OK?
Clive:	What are you getting at Skip? (agitation) Alice is fine why?
John:	Janice saw her yesterday says she was looking a bit peaky
Clive:	Time of month probably, she’s been a bit short recently. Wonder she didn’t snap Jan’s head off.
	LONG PAUSE WITH SHUFFLING NOISES
John:	Either of you got some time off next month in the day?
Clive:	what for (guarded).
John:	Child safety workshops, that’s all.
Alan:	George, How’s about some service?
George:	Keep your bloody ‘air on You’ve all got drinks.
Alan:	I need another Whiskey.
George:	You don’t need, you want.
Alan:	Smart arse, there’s more pubs than this you know.
	DEEP BREATH SOUND OF WALKING AND GLASS ON THE OPTIC
Alan:	A double while your at it.
George:	Five pounds please.
	SOUND OF COINS SLAPPING DOWN ON THE BAR
ALAN:	Take it out of that.
	SOUND OF MOVING COINS THEN THE TILL OPENING AND CHANGE BEING THROWN IN
CLIVE:	I'm just going to wash my hands, won't be long.
John:	George takes a lot of stick and has been good to the team in the past. Has he upset you Alan in some way?
Alan:	Smug bastard that’s all. pause Looks down his nose at the likes of us.
Clive:	George the towels need to be refilled.
George:	Ok I’ll sort it shortly.
John:	Well, any takers for working with children for the safety week. Ruth says you have a week off?
Alan:	did she now? (with raised voice) Well she doesn’t know bugger all. (Long pause) I’m busy, got loads on, no time for holidays, not next week or this bloody year! (lowered voice) sorry can’t do it.
John:	Ok sorry I asked. (pause) If you want to talk about? (left unfinished) Well you know, if ? (unfinished) (Pause) Well the doors always open, any time OK ?( up beat)
Alan:	Yeah ,OK boss Pause I’m fine honest. (unconvincingly) Just very bloody busy.
Clive:	How is Jan taking it John? Is she OK?
john:	Not very well. She says she’s OK but you just know (pause) So soon after her father died! I suppose her mum was not happy being left, she just gave up living. (pause) bloody close family that one. one feels they all feel. pause well anyway.
	SOUND OF DRINKING, AND GLASS SLIDING ALONG THE BAR
GEORGE:	Another one John?
john:	No not for me George. I need to be going. Put this behind the bar for the boys please.
	SOUND OF DOOR OPENING INCREASE IN PUBLIC BAR NOISE
BURMA:	A ake up our quarrel with the foe (slurred) (Hiccup) To you from failing hands we, (quieter)we, we(Hiccup) The torch, (Louder) the bloody torch be yours to hold…. oh bugger Sod the bloody thing. Not my war anyway not a real war
	SCUFFING SOUND
BURMA:	Sorry mate, you’re my pal you are. I I am onward for a piss, and bollocks to all this. Hey that rhymes, That bloody rhymes!

SOUND OF SLIDING FURNITURE

JOHN:	Hold on there old son! Watch where you’re going!
Burma:	Don’t bloody touch me, Arse ole, Gerrof.

SOUND OF FURNITURE CRASHING

ALAN:	You bastard! Touch me you bastard!

SOUND OF A STRUGGLE

CLIVE:	(Strained voice) Alan leave him, leave him, Let go. Come on, calm down.
Alan:	(Shouting) Attack me from behind you bastard? Come on get up, get up.
John:	Calm down Alan, Stop it, stop it Let him get up.
George:	What’s going on here? Come on break it up! Break it up!
john	Alan,Alan Calm down, calm down
George:	Right you lot get out! And you Wood you’re banned! Get out!
john:	Steady calm down, all of you, lets not do anything hasty
George:	Don’t come the big peacemaker with me Skipton, get out. I don’t need you bloody Coastguards here! Out I said You are Banned That's you Alan Woods, Clive White and John Skipton out!
John:	George hang on.
George:	Just get out, take that mindless thug with you. Get out before I call the cops. Have you seen the state of ya, some bloody heroes hey! You’re a bloody mess, all of ya! All bloody mad!
Alan	(Struggling) Ban me you bastard?
John:	Alan, Alan, Come on leave them.
George	Go on clear off I don’t need your ringside antic here, clear off!
	SOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND STRUGGLING PEOPLE LEAVING
GEORGE	Sad bastards!
Burma	Sorry George. I didn’t start nuffin
George:	Its not you its them. They are all a bit touched since the school coach.
Burma:	What coat George?
George	Never mind. If I were you I’d get myself home. You’ve had enough tonight.
Burma:	No more tonight George? no more tonight?
George	Best you go out the back way. You don’t want to run into that lot again tonight, do you?
Burma:	Not tonight, George Not in planders field where poppies grow (Fading)
	Door OPENS AND SWINGS SHUT

FADE

SCENE 2

DOOR BELL CHIMES – DOOR OPENING

ALICE:	Ruth Come in, good to see you, its been a while.
Ruth:	I don’t want to stop you I wont be long its just
Alice:	Come in come in I’m on my own.

DOOR CLOSED SHUT

Alice:	Come on lets go in the kitchen, coffee?
Ruth:	Please, White (voice sounding a bit tearful)
Alice:	Oh Ruth

SOUND OF SOBBING

RUTH:	Sorry

SOUND OF SOBBING

Alice:	Here have a tissue The mascara’s running
Ruth:	Oh Alice I’m at my wit’s end
Alice:	Why, What on earth is it
Ruth:	Are things OK with you and Clive?
Alice:	I wish (pause) You and Alan?
Ruth:	Awful Bloody awful! (pause) He is like a total stranger Ever since
Alice	Has he told you what happened with the coach?
Ruth:	No (Long pause) Just that Ian died. It’s been over six months you’d have thought he’d have said something by now
Alice:	That’s all I got “Bloody awful Ian died, don’t ask” well I didn’t, and he never told me (pause) All the neighbours think its wonderful being married to a hero. I don’t want a hero I was happy enough with Clive as he was, not the wreck he is now. All those certificates medals, What good was that?
Ruth:	Alice (sobbing) oh Alice

TELEPHONE RINGING, LONG TIME

RUTH	I’M OK Go on answer the phone
Alice	798544 hello yes it is speaking I did yes Uhh hhu Really Oh good, that’s great Yes thank you oh thank you Ok I’ll wait for confirmation in the post. Thank you good bye
Ruth:	Good news?
Alice:	Well Pause Things will have to change now!
Ruth:	Something wrong?
Alice:	On the contrary some things are very right but others aren’t
Ruth:	I don’t understand
Alice:	I’ll tell you later after I have told Clive.
Ruth:	Is it what you wanted
Alice:	Very much but not NOW Not while Clive (pause) Right coffee then? What about you and Alan?
	SOUND OF WATER FILLING KETTLE AND CLICKING ON KETTLE. CUPS RATTLING AND TEASPOON HITTING CUP.
Ruth:	Alan’s a mess! We were always close now I can’t get near him What about your Clive
Alice:	Clive has always been open, a bit of a loner but always open with me. Now he has clammed up, shut me out
Ruth:	Since the coach?
Alice:	Yes right back to then. (pause) every time he use to get called out, I use to get a blow by blow account of what happened. Who did what and why. It was as if he had to tell me everything, get it off his chest.
Ruth:	Now?
Alice	No After the coach he came home and never said a word. When I asked him what happened he snapped my head off. Said he didn’t want to talk about it (Pause)
Ruth:	Has he hit you?
Alice:	No he never has but I think he could if I didn’t lay off. Why has Alan hit you?
Ruth:	No but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. He is quick to fly off the handle now a days
Alice:	I keep thinking about it. I don’t think he slept well that night He certainly has not slept well since
Ruth:	Does he have nightmares?
Alice:	Oh yes! Every night Wakes up, not screaming, just makes a sort of animal noise. It’s driving me mad. Then he goes to the kitchen and makes himself a cup of something
Ruth:	Has he said what he dreams about
Alice	I asked him at first but Now I just leave him to it. Sometimes he comes back to bed! Mostly he sleeps on the settee. (Pause)
Alice:	Most mornings I find him with his earphones still on, where he has been listening to his CD an fallen asleep
	SOUND OF TINS RATTLING AND CUPS MOVING
ALICE:	Something with your coffee, I would pass over the scones if I were you, they are a bit dry
Ruth:	You bake just for the two of you?
Alice:	Why not, Clive likes home baked? Easiest way to a man's heart?
Ruth:	A cleaver would be quicker

BOTH LAUGH

Alice:	That would stop his daymares. If that’s what you call them, a bit like nightmares but in the day. He goes all blank like reliving something. Starts sweating and has palpitations. He says its too much coffee. That’s decaf by the way.
Ruth:	That’s OK we are on decaf as well. Alan thinks he is getting too agitated on real coffee, says he has caffeine poisoning
Alice:	Has he?
Ruth:	Of course not, but you have to humour them
Alice	You know if they were ill we would be listing the symptoms
Ruth:	Who says they aren’t?
Alice:	What ever Clive is, he is not Clive, not as he use to be
Ruth	I wouldn’t be surprised if they are all acting the same behind closed doors
Alice:	I’ll get a pen and paper
	DRAWS OPENING PENS FALLING ON A WORK TOP. RUBBING SOUND
ALICE:	Fifty bloody pens and, and only this ones working Right Nightmares? Yes
Ruth:	Definitely Loads
Alice:	Daymares or whatever? Yes
Ruth:	Yes quite a few
Alice:	Washing his hands? I can’t count the times he goes to the bathroom, never dries his hands properly. Now he is complaining they’re cracked! If that was all that was cracked!
Ruth:	No, not washing hands, would be nice to have a plumber with clean hands Does Clive smell things?
Alice:	How do you mean?
Ruth:	You know, sometimes he says he smells something It sets him off he gets all moody. He says there is a smell in the lane that leads to mums’ place. He wont walk with the children takes the car the long way round. The smell of some plant or other?
Alice	Now you mention it we use to walk round Dingle Dell, looking at the flower borders. We avoid it now. He never said why and I never pushed it. So I think smells affect him as well?
Ruth	Day and nightmares, smells How about music? Alan’s tastes have Totally changed. He use to listen to radio 1, or 2 if I moaned. Now he plays nothing but classic FM
Alice:	Clive has gone the other way. He use to listen to classic FM. Now he listens to Rap hip hop and radio 1. If I try to change the channel he gets angry
Ruth:	That’s the big one, quick to anger right?
Alice:	Right, I have to watch what I say
Ruth:	Is Clive clumsy?
Alice:	He says he drops things, I think he throws them.
Ruth:	Alan’s the same; I had to buy more mugs the other day. I drop things, but he is knocking up quite a score.
Alice:	Avoids friends? I never see a soul, never see any of the team.
Ruth:	Did you hear they all got banned from the Duke of York two weeks ago?
Alice:	He never mentioned it. Why were they banned?
Ruth:	I don’t know, I saw Ray at the Hypermarket, he said they all go to the Kings Head after a drill.
Alice:	Ugh not the Stinky Head?
Ruth:	Afraid so, no wonder Clive is washing his hands
	(pause)
Ruth:	I can’t get Alan out to see any one, he use to be really sociable now he keeps making excuses not to see people
Alice:	Clive never goes near the Coastguard station
Ruth:	Nor Alan, you can’t help but pass it on the way to the shops, but Alan goes right round the town. If I say anything he bites my head off. It’s obvious what he is doing
Alice	What is really strange, he avoids children. And the hand washing, 50 or 60 times a day and thinks I don’t notice! Good job we didn’t get the water meter fitted.
Ruth:	What about? Pause You know touchy feely stuff
Alice:	Well Clive is not what you would call romantic. No flowers on Valentines day unless it’s a pot plant, or something he can take to pieces for new cuttings. As for sex Well he is right off! Only once in three months and that was a quickie when I did every thing
Alice:	Good job women can’t get done for rape He cried like a baby afterwards
Ruth:	Bloody hell!
Alice:	Yeah bloody bloody hell! You?
Ruth:	Well
Alice:	Come on I have been very honest and up front
Ruth:	Much the same as you. Alan is more likely to lash out than make a pass
Alice:	Has he

SOUND OF RUTH SOBBING

Alice:

                                                                         Has he hit the children?

Ruth                          No

 

No not yet.                                                                       just explodes                                                                       You can’t see it coming

Alice:                       Right! (angry)

This is not just about them. It’s us as well.                                                                             All of us.                                                                       I don’t even know what happened.                                                                       The bloody queen knows more about what                                                                             our men did than I do.                                                                      She doesn’t have to live with them

Ruth:                        Alan’s got a scrapbook of the incident. All                                                                              letters and things.

He has his bravery award on the wall with the                                                                       photograph of the presentation by the Lord                                                                           Lieutenant

Alice:                       Clive has nothing, no cuttings, nothing.

He hid the certificate in the loft.                                                                       Just wont talk about anything

SOUND OF RUMMAGING IN A HAND BAG

Ruth:                         I found a piece of paper in his jeans pocket                                                                           before I put them in the wash

Its in here somewhere

Ruth:                         Here we are it is a bit crumpled

Alice:                       Its hard to read

Some kind of counselling services                                                                      I’ll get a magnifying glass

SOUND OF DRAWS OPENING AND CLOSING

ALICE:                    Is that an eight or a three

Ruth:                     Looks like an eight

Alice:                    No matter I’ll try them both

SOUND OF A CAR OUTSIDE ON GRAVEL PATH

ALICE                    Clives’ car

                                                           He’s back early!

SOUND OF CAR REVERSING AND DRIVING AWAY

ALICE:                  He’s driven off

Bugger he saw your car and buggered off

Alice                   Right that’s it

If the men can’t do anything we will                                                          OK

Ruth:                   Yeah

Yeah its not us its them                                                          They are ill not us                                                          God they need help

Alice:                 We all do

I’ll phone Claire, Jan and Steph                                                         We can’t be the only ones

FADE

SCENE 3

SOUND OF CAR ON GRAVEL DRIVE

DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

CLIVE:                 Alice

SOUND OF EMBRACE AND KISSING PROLONGED

Clive                 I love you Alice (emotional near to tears)

Alice:                There there

I love you too

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING COUPLE PARTING

Alice:                OK?

Clive                Yeah

OK

Alice:               Coffee?

Clive:                Yeah  OK

Not now though

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Alice:                  I should send to counselling more often

How was it?

Clive:                  I’m suppose to talk to you its good for me

But not before my coffee you galley slave

Clive                  Ouch! that hurt

I have a delicate bum you know, needs to be shown                                                              some tenderness and respect.                                                        Buttock abuse is not in the counselling book

Alice                 It is in mine

I obviously have a later edition

Clive                 I’ll give you something to edit

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Clive:               I shall have to subscribe for editing more often

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Alice:                   I love you

Clive:                   I love you

Just never knew how much

Alice:                   Say you love me again

Clive:                   I love you again

I mean again                                                             Really love you more than before

Alice:                   Carry on

More nice things or no coffee

Clive;                   You know

Alice                    Clive White you are just not built romantic

But I love you

MORE KISSING AND MURMURING

SOUND OF CLOTHES RUSTLING

Alice:                 You are pleased to see me

I can feel it

Clive:                 Should we?

PHONE RINGING

Clive:                Bugger!

SOUND OF WALKING AND LIFTING THE TELEPHONE HANDSET

ALICE:                  yes mum

No mum                                                        Uh uh                                                        Not yet

Clive:                 I’ll make the coffee

SOUND OF WALKING AWAY AND KETTLE BEING SWITCHED ON RATTLE OF CUPS AND SPOONS

ALICE:              Well why not

Nothing to loose (pause)                                                Dad’s not often wrong (humorously)                                                Go on you may enjoy it(pause)                                               OK (pause)                                                I’ll call you later bye                                               bye

SOUND OF HANDSET BEING REPLACED AND WALKING CHINKING OF CUPS

Clive              What does she want?

Alice:            If you are that interested in my mum why don’t you answer the                                            phone (jokingly)

Clive:           She never speaks to me on the phone.

Men are only for ordering about and

Alice:            And?

And what may I ask

Clive:           Pause

Tickling feet

Alice:           Laughing

Don’t you dare

Clive           I told you so

Giving orders

Alice:          OK

So what happen today?

Clive:         (Deep breath)

not too bad,                                     well not that bad, a bit emotional                                    I had to go through the whole incident again.                                   They did not know what it was about

Alice         Nor do I

Clive          Do you want to know?

Alice:         Yes (thoughtfully)

Yes I do, you are part of me I want to know everything.                                    I want to help                                   You can talk to me (pause)                                   As you say it’s us against the world. That’s how I feel                                   Just us against the world

Clive:        Ok (pause)

If I get stuck and don’t want to go on.                                   No pushing right?

Alice:        OK no pressure

Clive:         Where to start?

SOUND OF CUP PLACED ON TABLE

Clive:            The school bus skidded at dyke bend.

Went through the hairpin bend sign and over the cliff.                                            It was foggy and there was ice on the road

Alice             Did it go right to the bottom?

Clive             No it went over and landed upside down on a level about a                                                  hundred feet down

It was just balancing on the ledge with the engine part over the                                             edge

Alice             How did you hear about it?

Clive             999 call to the police

they called the ops room and we got paged                                            all the team responded to the pager and went to the station                                           full team first time in ages

Alice:           You felt you could handle anything?

Clive:            Yes that’s it, we were on a high

Alice:           Go on.

Clive:           We arrived on scene

I hammered the stakes in and looked over the edge                                         At first I couldn’t see a thing                                        The fog was patchy I could see the bus upside down balancing on                                        the edge about a hundred feet down.                                        It was about a hundred feet down (quieter thoughtfully)                                       (pause)                                        I thought we needed back up so Ray and the lads were called                                             from the flank teams

Alice:         You stayed on the top?

Clive:          Yes

                                       I took over as breast and safety man

Alan and Ian got kitted up as the cliff rescue man

Alice:         They haven’t been in the team long?

Clive:         They joined together two years ago

Went to school and brought up together.                                     A close pair, best of friends

Alice         You are the regular cliff man.

Did you feel you could have done better?

Clive:        (Long pause)

safer, just safer                                  Ian would not be allowed to (sentence trailed away)

Alice:       (Change of tone more business like)

So Alan and Ian went down the cliff? You could see what happened?

Clive:       Not really. The fog kept on coming in and out in waves

There was a lot going on at the cliff top.                                 We had all the lines down and short of hold fasts and methods for                                       bringing them all up.                                Alan’s line was attached to the winch so he was obviously the one to                                   bring the casualties up and Ian would get them out the bus.                               (pause)                                 I suppose

Alice:        Then?

Clive:       Well Alan gave the order to haul away and we started to bring him up.

I couldn’t see him at first                                 Then he came out of the                                   fog.                                  Blood all over his helmet                                  A bloody hand print                                         beginning to run like a                                      horror movie

Alice:       He rescued some one?

Clive:       Yes he had a girl in the stretcher

(Pause)                                didn’t know it was a girl at first.                               So much blood

Alice:       You helped them over the cliff edge?

Clive:        I need to wash my hands!

Alice:        No you don’t not now

Clive:        I do

I need to wash my hands                                 Let go of my hands                                 please

Alice         You don’t, take a deep breath

SOUND OF HEAVY BREATHING GRADUALLY GETTING LIGHTER AND UNDER CONTROL

Alice:          OK?

Clive           OK

I’m fine

Alice:          Do you want to go on?

Clive:         (Breathing deeply)

OK

Alice :         Just close your eyes

Take it steady

Clive:          (Emotional)

I was covered in her blood                                      All over my hands

Alice:          Is that why you keep washing your hands?

                                      She was the girl that survived?

Clive:          No she died on arrival at hospital

Alice:           Then what happened?

Clive             Deep breath

Alan was shouting to go down again quickly.                                             We secured a new stretcher to his line.                                             He was very impatient.                                             I checked everything was secure                                             (pause)                                             He was reckless.                                             Called me a bloody old fart, and demanded to be lowered.                                             I checked his gear again                                            The cliff line showed signs of wear

Alice:             You let him down though?

Clive:              I was the only one concerned

Ray and his team arrived by then so there were more lines                                                    and staff available, but Alan was insistent, time was all-                                                        important.                                                He needed to get down again fast

Alice:              So Alan went down again OK?

Clive:              He went down

But the recovery line parted and he lost his footing                                                  He fell about ten or so feet into the fog.                                                  I couldn’t see what was happening.

Alice:              Was he alright?

Clive:             Yes the safety line held

Alice              How did he come up again?

Clive:              Ian came off his lines.

Ian's recovery line was attached to Alan

Alice:               How was Ian attached

Clive:               (Distressed)

he wasn’t                                                   he wasn’t                                                   nothing                                                   not a bloody thing, he already disconnected the safety line                                                  to secure the stretchers, out side the bus.

Alice:              So?

Clive:               Well

We had to move all the lines about for recovery.                                                   Lines everywhere.                                                  I was not sure what was what.                                                 Skip seemed to know

Alice:               You recovered the other casualties?

Clive:              Three more

Alan went up and down                                                  Ian got them out of the bus                                                 And put them by the cliff edge                                                   When Alan came down they put them in the stretcher                                                 Alan brought them up

Alice:               Ray’s team?

                                                  Did they go down as well?

Clive:                No

Alan said there was not enough room                                                      It would be too difficult.                                                     He and Ian had a system

Alice                 How many did you recover?

Clive:                 Just the other three.

Only one lived                                                       The others died within twenty four hours.

Alice                 Just one?

Clive:                Hester Wills

Ian’s niece

Alice:                When did?

Clive:             We heard it when Alan was half way up with Hester

Alice:             You heard it crash?

Clive:              No

We heard a loud creak                                                 Just a creaking sound

Alice:               Hester was brought up?

Clive                 Yes

Alan was desperate to get down again

Alice:               Then what?

Clive:               Alan was shouting something on the radio

Kept saying “gone” over and over again

Alice:               Did you see anything?

Clive                The fog started to clear

The ledge was gone.                                                    No bus.                                                   No ledge.                                                   Just Alan and an empty line that Ian should have been                                                           attached to.                                                    Just the line.                                                    And blood on the cliff face                                                   Red on white chalk

Alice:               Did you see the bus?

Clive                No the tide was in

Waves crashing against the cliff side

Alice:              Then what?

Clive                We recovered Alan.

And put the gear away.                                                   Alan was in a state of shock.

Alice:                Was that the end of it?

Clive:               No

We carried out a coastal search looking for bodies.                                                 Then the fog cleared and the helicopter joined the search.

SOUND OF KISSING AND Cuddling

ALICE:                oh Clive

oh my love                                                      I’m sorry                                                     so sorry

SOUND OF KISSING AND LOW SOBBING

ALICE:           Don’t cry

It will be fine                                          We are fine

Clive:            I love you Alice

Alice             I know

I know                                           I love you as well

Clive:            Look at us

Like children                                           All weepy

Alice             Ah

Taking of children

Clive:            Yes I know

I have been avoiding them recently

Clive              (Pause)

I don’t mind them, not now                                                I’m going to the Child safety workshop at Monkswood                                                        school with Skip

Alice:           So you don’t hate them?

Clive:            Of course not

Alice why are you looking at me like that                                                What’s the matter?                                                What’s wrong?

Alice               Nothing

                                                 Nothings wrong

(Pause)                                                    Daddy

Clive:                You’re not ehh?

I mean are you?                                                   You’re not are you?

Alice:                I am

SOUND OF CUDDLING AND KISSING

Clive            What a day

What a day                                            You know I feel very optimistic at the moment                                             I think I can just afford a bar lunch

Alice:             Shall I get my coat then?

Clive:            Oh yes misses White

I’ll treat you to a pickled egg and a lump of coal.

Alice:            With Mayo?

Clive:             Mayo and ketchup?

TELEPHONE RINGING

HAND SET LIFTED

ALICE              Jan

(pause)                                               no                                              oh no                                              how awful                                              oh                                              I’m so sorry                                              No, no stay there                                              We will be right over

TELEPHONE RECEIVER REPLACED

ALICE               Get the coats Clive

Clive:              A meal (inquisitively)?

Alice:               No

We are going to Jan’s                                                  Skip hung himself in the garage

FADE