dark web auction site

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the dark web bribes auction. We have many items for sale today so lets get started.

First I have received a letter from Mrs Trellis of North Wales complaining about the time it takes to get a replacement passport. Sorry luv, not us. If you applied on the dark web for a passport you would have received it by return of post. It appears you inadvertently were redirected to the official government website. Real official passport can take as long as 3 months. Sorry about that.




You have the catalogue, the rules apply, buyer beware. You may well ask what is the point of buying these politicians when the whole cabinet could be replaced if the UK gets a new Prime Minister. Only if they elect a competent Prime Minister. That is one in the present range of Tory members of Parliament. Desmond Swayne, Liam Fox, Ian Duncan Smith, Edward Leigh, Michael Fabricant or Mark Francois, no chance of a change of leadership.




Lot 1 Grant Shap, Transport, well in the pockets of the travel industry, put safety of the public before airline profits. Stopped testing incoming passengers reduced quarantine restrictions at the worst time, what do you bid. Come on gents, must be worth a punt, wrote a book about himself, a proper tosser, £10,000 to start. 5 then, 2 surely, how about a hundred to get things going. Ten pounds must be worth a tenner. No, no sale it is.

Come on Gents he is that incompetent they can't get rid of him. I want you to think about the potential not just their worth at present.




On ward and upward lot 2 Chris Grayling, not a Minister but loads of contacts, knows how to accept favours good hand shake, What have I as a bid, there is no reserve, do I have a bid?

A free lunch, is that a serious bid. OK one free lunch is he that cheap. One free lunch going, going , gone. Yours sir one useless politician for a free lunch.




Lot 3 Anne Marie Trevelyan, Replaced Liz Truss as trade, again no reserve price, what do we have ? £100 ,3, 8, one thousand one hundred thousand, any more? Come on folks she got £136,000 in expenses for a second home she doesn't use, so bound to worth more. A luxury home in Northumberland, Why? Oh I see it's her constituency, nice one but not relevant, as she spends most of her time on the Isle of Wight. A Coastguard cottage at Atherfield, a boathouse in Bembridge, We think that is a higher bid. Flat in Ventnor, now we are getting somewhere, any more on the flat in Ventnor, A cottage at Black Gang Chine I think you'll find is a lower bid. A flat in Cowes, a luxury flat in Cowes overlooking the Medina, any more. Gone to the luxury flat in Cowes. Well that will please your folks in Cowes. You're not from Cowes, from Northumberland, well that's one in the eye for the Southerners.




Lot 4 has been scratched tosser got caught. Owen Patterson no longer an MP, not worth much now a bit toxic.




Lot 5 Oliver Dowden Party Chairman, shakes hands well , will back Boris to the hilt, no conscience that any one has found yet. Knows how to spin a lie, what do we have £500, 000 opening bid good start 550k 600k any more. Don't be distracted by the alarm going off, we will check on it.




You say its a police raid, can't be the Met can't touch us. Oh Northumberland police, that's different,

abandon ship every one for themselves

getting the job done

Boris getting on with the job

getting the job done

whatever that means

seems a lot of fun

never in the office

always out on the run

visiting hospitals without a mask

hard working message spun

its all the fault of the media and public

those nasty liberals won

time to go

it must be time to go

sitting with distant relatives

you don't really know

fidgeting impatiently

irritation on show

ages you still have to endure

but you still can't go




a dispute about the land

your family think they own

papers say its no longer yours

though ancestors lie below

you have to walk with what you wear

worldly goods forego

time for you to go




a refugee in foreign lands

with red crosses on show

you know you are not wanted

and onward you must go

humanity is woefully absent

resented charity they bestow

it must be time to go




in a distant foreign land

the language you don't know

so you read the local books

of Shakespeare and Marlow

and at every reading

the knowledge begins to grow

its not the time to go




mind wanders constantly

speech faint and slow

photographs and music

rescue memories beneath the snow

it is painful to keep living

it must be time to go

power cuts

I got the latest gismos

I got the latest phone

with the nearest phone mast

in a far off sacred zone




then they called it Arwen

it came to visit me

knocking out the power

I used so carelessly




no water and no power

a line line working fine

told to get updates

on mobile phone and online




the battery is flat

Wi-Fi non existent

use the facebook pages

the companies are insistent




thankful of the landline

old analogue out of date

will be replaced with digital

that needs power to operate




when the cars are electric

and the batteries flat

when the county has no electricity

has anyone thought of that




just trust in technology

the politicians proclaim

with their bank of generators

on expenses they claimed