“Drinks
all round, they're on me.” shouted O'Mally entering the bar.
The
customers called Pat from the lounge and placed their orders.
“Right
lads, there you are, now who's payin?”
“O'Mally”
they all shouted.
“Give
me them drinks back and no one touch a drop until you paid for it.”
shouted Pat agitated
“You,
O'Mally, I've a mind to ban you again you haven't been banned for
almost a fortnight.”
“Now
Pat, keep your hair on.”said O'Mally swaggering toward the bar. “I
have here a notification.”
O'Mally
searched his pockets and brought out a crumpled piece of paper. He
smoothed it out on the bar.
“There
Pat read what it says.”
“Where
did you get this from, it doesn't look very professional, not what
the lottery would send you.”
“And
you would know would you Pat.”said O'Mally with an arrogant air.
“Well
O'Mally I can tell what has been printed on a home computer, and not
what is done professional like.”
“Well
yes I did print it out but it was on my computer.”
“Your
computer, yours.” said Doherty
“Yes
mine, every one has a computer now a days.”
“Well
I don't.” said Doherty
“Nuff
said,” said O'Mally
“And
where did you get a computer from O'Mally, If yoos has loads of cash
you could start paying off your slate.” said Pat
“Well
if you must know cousin Joe gave me it. He says it is a very secure
computer you have to sign on as Simon Jenkinson then fill in the
password. This is so no one can access it without your permission.”
“Unless
your name is Simon Jenkinson, whose computer it probably is.”
remarked Doherty
“Don't
be daft.”said O'Mally. “Mind you if a Simon Jenkinson tried to
steal it I'd soon tell the Garda.”
“I
think you'll find cousin Joe stole it from Simon jenkinson.” said
Pat
“You
goin to tell the Garda Joe stole a computer?” Asked Doherty
“Spose
not, blood's thicker than water.” said O'Mally
“Aye
and nothing thicker than O'Mally blood, aint that right?” said
Doherty “So what are you being notified of?”
“That
I have won the post code lottery mega rollover prize. See there
1,654,000 euros. That's my post code, so I have won.”
“O'Mally's
spelt wrong, they have O'Manny.” said Pat
“Its
my post code.”
“Its
also my post code and most in the bar, they haven't had a
notification.”said Pat
“Well
they probably didn't play.”
“Did
you.”asked Doherty
“Well
I must of done cos I won.”
“Well
how much was the ticket?”asked Doherty
“I
can't remember, must have had a few.”
“You
can't remember buying a ticket, so how can you win?” asked Doherty
“There's
loads of things you do on line that you can't remember.”
“Yes
I heard about them from the confessional.” laughed Doherty
“What
passes between a man and his confessor is private. Father Ambrose had
no right telling you.”
“
He didn't, I heard you. Just because father Ambrose is half deaf, its
no need to tell those living in Kerry your confession. If you shouted
any louder you'd lift the roof.”
“I
pass father Ambrose my confession on a slip of paper.”said O'Dell
being helpful.
“We
know.” said Doherty “father Ambrose reads it out aloud at the top
of his voice because he can't even hear him self talk.”
“It
says here you have to phone the number to claim your prize. Its a
premium rate number.”said Pat
“Well
its a premium prize.”
“No
you eejit, a premium number is one that cost you a euro a minute,
They get the difference between the normal cost of a call and a euro,
Its a scam. Look here you have to tell them your bank details so they
can put it straight into your bank.”
“well
I think that is good of them.”
“They
are crooks.” said Doherty “ all they want is for you to stay on
the phone for an hour listening to music while they clear out your
bank account.”
“they
can't do that, I'm overdrawn.”
“they
will use your identity to raise a loan.” said Doherty.
“who
would give me a loan?" said O'Mally
They
all agreed he had a point, Of all the people to scam O'Mally was a
stupid choice.
The
bar door burst open and filling the space was Garda McPhee.
“Don't
none of yoos move,” said McPhee “We are looking for a master
criminal Simon Jenkinson. We know he's here. No use hiding him.”
“What's
'ee done, this master criminal?” asked Pat
“What
hasn't he, more like it, money laundering, internet scamming,
smuggling, in fact every thing from selling indulgences to bribery of
the Pope. The man's flighty, but we know he is now operating from
Buncrana.”
McPhee's
radio burst into life
“Buncrana
patrol this is Lifford control, priority secure message, over.”
“Control
this is Buncrana patrol, Give me a few minutes I'm in the midst of
felons.” replied McPhee. “don't none of yoos move. I shall be out
side on the radio.”
“Well
if only some one would have warned him, that the arch criminal is
disguised as Shamus O'Mally.” laughed Pat
“Where
you going O'Mally? You stay put until McPhee sees you. Don't want him
going through the cellar do we.” Shouted Pat
The
front door burst open “O'Mally, where is you?” shouted McPhee.
“I
was just about to go to the loo, I'll be back in a few minutes. I
think the cheese and onion crisps are off, and I don't feel too
good." said O'Mally
“Is
that so. Well I want a word with you, and it would be better said
down the nick.”
“I'm
amongst friend and innocent as driven sloe," said O'Mally
“Snow
yer eejit” said McPhee
“what
is.”
“Innocent
as driven snow not sloe." said McPhee
“Oh
is that so.” said O'Mally “As yoos has just said I am innocent,
I'll be on my way, good day to you Garda McPhee.”
“You
stay just where you are, I'll tell you what we know, and you can fill
in the blanks.” said McPhee. “Joe O'Mally a relation of yours?
Stole a computer from Simon Jenkinson. We were on to him, cos we were
tracking Jenkinson internet footprint. Then suddenly the trail goes
cold, and we suspect Joe has dumped the computer. Suddenly the
computer burst into life and is now owned by Shamus O'Mally master
criminal. So how much have you in your bank O'Mally.”
“What
now?”
“Yes
now.”
“At
the moment I have an arrangement with the bank, when I get some money
they can have it.”
“We
saw you were heavily overdrawn until this evening, so how much do you
have?”
“Less
than nottin the Irish bank is banking with me, as I've nothing to
give to them, at the moment.”
“So
you can't explain, how your account balance is now 14 million euros.”
“I
can explain that," said O'Mally “that will be a deposit from my
friend General Nugomo, He's Nigerian you know. He asked if I could
hold some money for him as his bank is not open, due to some
corruption scandal. He asked me to look after his money for a few
days, until the bank scandal has finished. I gave him my bank
details, but never thought it would be that much.”
McPhee
raised his eyes in disbelief.
“Is
you really that thick O'Mally? I've never come across such an eejit.”
“He
is as thick as that, I can vouch for O'Mally's stupidity." said Pat
“OK.”
said McPhee “You are given a stolen computer from your cousin Joe.
You switch it on and it says Welcome Simon Jenkinson. Who do you
think that is?”
“That's
the name of the computer, they all have names, like Dell, or
Mackintosh, This one is a Jenkinson.”
“Then
the screen is prompted by asking you to sign in. and password. What
do you put.”
“well
obviously the computer is called Simon Jenkinson so I type in that.
Then I type who I am and then it says confirm password. So I choose a
word I can remember so I types in Cromwell after my dog. That seems
to be just what the computer wants, then the computer asks for the
bank details and name. So I put in my bank details and name. Then it
asks do I want to consolidate to that. I type yes because I don't
know what it means. I'm not stupid you know, I think its something to
do with terms and conditions, that you have to say yes to. Then the
screen fills with loads of numbers and things so I let it run and
have a beer or two. Then I get two emails one from the lottery and
one from my friend General Nugomo. The computer then say some alert
so I switch it off. I know nothing about no scam or trafficking.”
McPhee
laughs “ the techy people have tried everything to hack into that
account they never thought about using two separate passwords.
Jenkinson is a clever man no one but an eejit would type in one
password then type a totally different one of eight letters. The
computer is programmed to recognise a six letter word followed by a
seven letter then an eight letter. Very clever, only an eejit would
deliberately type it wrong. That computer is vital evidence, Would
you like to assist the Garda with their enquiries, or spend years in
clink?”
“I'm
all for helping the Garda,” said O'Mally.
“Good
man. Am I right to believe O'Mally was buying some drinks?” asked
Mcphee
“He
was that” said Pat
“Well
at this moment he has money in his account. So if you are quick, you
could take his card, and pay for all the drinks, a thousand euros
should do it . Providing you remember mine is a crate of black label
Bushmills.”
Pat
brought a crate of undiluted Bushmills from the cellar, and slid it
across to McPhee. He then poured Mcphee a full glass of the finest
porter.
“A
toast,” said McPhee “To O'Mally's Millions.”
“O'Mally's
Millions.” they all toasted
