3 M's of Management

 

Management is rewarding and difficult. 

 

Management is the 3Ms Motivation, manipulation and method.

Motivation is the most important and anyone that can motivate a workforce can earn their weight in gold.

For example on a field trip the students were separated into two groups.

One group told to find a 4 leafed clover.

the other group told to find clovers more than 3 leafed.

the first group returned with one 4 leafed clover

the other group returned with a bucket full of clovers all more than 3 leafed

 

Management 3 M's used to tie a shoe lace

 

Motivation – obviously if you constantly trip over the lace you will be inclined to retie it, especially if you are about to carry a heavy pan of boiling oil.

 

Manipulation. How to make tying the shoe lace easier, pull a chair across to rest on or sit down.

 

Method (the one all management course deal with) what knot to tie, bow, double bow for safety etc

 

management in a nutshell, and the real reason why shoes are slip on or Velcro fastening.

School bully

Remember when at school
you had a friend that bullied
said what games you play
their orders you followed fully

You can only swap with them
in unequal trade
you only get what they don’t want
or what lesser friends have made

but that was fine when at school
you dealt with their dejection
with all the thugs in the playground
you could count on their protection

The bully is now under pressure
must throw his weight about
all you hear is unequal trade
and your loyalty is in doubt.

The bully no longer supports you
is not their in a fight
withdrawing their protection
although has strategic might

The bully sucks up to your enemy
treats like friend not foe
you may have some protection
but there are places you can’t go.

Say good bye to the bully
the sooner the less the pain
and watch them fall to the gutter
making America great again

The King and vice king

and verily it came to pass
that the King sued for peace
he grubbily worked a deal
behind the back of state and police
with the enemy from long ago
thoughtlessly with caprice

I will give you all you want

much more land and rights
we will starve the opposition
suppress the will to fight
humiliate on prime TV
on a Saturday night

and verily the press did see
some were glory fed
others were not so taken
sadly shook their head
will uncover the kings leanings
and whom he shares his bed

the King and vice king in glory
strutting on world stage
irk the good and wholesome
and stable countries enrage
reporters dig deep into their past
to fill the gossip page

Honey for sale

 Saw a post on Facebook from a bee-keeper, that has a surplus of 40 jars of honey, and wanted advice on how to sell them.

The obvious advice is don't!

Put them in the back of the wardrobe for next year and don't take the honey next year. Leave it for the bees, it will save a fortune on winter feed.

You probably promised the wife a week in Lanzarote on the proceeds, so wont listen to that advice. Anyway you have kept the bees for two years its about time they kept you!

With your 40 jars you are now a food producer and must adhere to the food safety agency rules.

These rules were set by the Minister for food and rural affairs with advice from the big food producers. These producers wined and dined the Minister, in Mustique on an all expenses paid holiday. So borrowing the wife's wellies to camp in a muddy corner of the field may not sway the Ministerial overlord to look favourably at a budding entrepreneur.

is you honey safe?

We all know the healing properties of honey and how it can destroy bacteria, but you have to prove your honey is the same, thus it needs to be tested. Three to five kilos per sample should be sufficient. While they are at it, they may as well, test for content on the honey so you can display it on the label. With prudent shopping around you could get a quote for under £500, if you discard the travel cost to Milton Keynes and back.

The test results will prove it is free of bacteria but full of sugar, a bad thing. The jar will now have to display a red warning, as it is harmful to health. The local press will latch onto the fact that you alone is stimulating the world obesity crisis. You can expect some irate phone calls .

You don't have to employ a full PR department at this stage. If you know some one that works for an Energy company, internet provider, or insurance, you may be able to find out where they purchase their answering machine.

These machines are worth their weight in gold, not only do they tell the caller, their call is important to them, but they also keep them on hold, playing raucous, discordant music to enrage and cause the caller to cease the call. If the caller is stubborn, it will give 9 choices of fictitious departments the caller can access by pressing a button. The act of pressing the button will automatically drop the line and disconnect.

Labels

Your honey must have a label. The label must convey to the customer exactly what is in the jar, who made it where you live, and how to contact you. It must be easy to read. Don't be fooled by the labels of big companies. They can do what they like, you have to stick to the local rules. The local environment health officers can close you down. Just because the commercial jar of honey says heather honey in letters you need a microscope to read. Your label must be able to be read from the shop doorway. A font size the same as the emergency fire exit is desirable, but may not be that practical. Basic rule, big jars, big writing, with Braille if possible and a QR code liked back to your website. Filming happy bees flying in and out of the hive entrance is ideal. There also needs to be the back story about your happy bees, and your life with them. Your history would be useful. You need not mention all the divorces.

Just call it Honey. If your local trading standards test your honey and finds Alice 1847321/9. stopped of at the apple tree to top up with nectar and not fly direct to the oil seed rape field, and you called your honey Oil Seed Rape honey, you could be in trouble.

Scales

You must sell the honey by weight. The weight must be accurate. Trading standards will check. The recommended scales will cost a fortune. They will be the only scales acceptable This Year. Next year you may have to repurchase, because you scales are no longer recommended.

The managing director of the scales company was the best man at the wedding of the head of weights and measures, but that means nothing, and is just coincidental. You must do and buy as you are told.

Risk assessment

You will have to complete a risk assessment in compliant to a risk assessment the environmental health department uses. It will be based on best practice of the biggest company (according to them) and must follow Hazard analysis critical control points (HACCP). At this stage you should make yourself aware of Food standard acronyms. Inspectors talk in them all the time, saves using English. Inspectors will never explain in plain English what they mean, but will blurt out acronyms jargon and clichés infinitum. After five or so years of visits and rewriting the risk assessment, you will be beaten into some form of compliance.

The honey processing plant.

Not your home or kitchen, a purposely built unit with electricity, water , toilets and rest room.

It goes without saying you have a degree in food hygiene or similar, or employ some one that has.

You will have to test the honey at each critical control point. You must be able to record room temperature, humidity, relative vapour pressure, ph, moisture content, and air quality. Your local environmental department will have friends that produce such measuring devices. You do not need to measure radiation, as the company hasn't built a machine for that yet.

At each stage the honey must be tested and a record made. The process should be repeated every 5 minutes and recorded.

That is a person, testing the uncapping, filtering, jar filling. ( Not glass jars they could break) and sealing.

Once they realise it is only you doing it and you are not going to employ staff, HR department, wages, stores, PR, and a CEO. You are wasting their time and they will find a way to close you down.

Once you have completed an acceptable risk assessment, they will phone you and ask what steps you will take to deal with a new virus discovered near Timbuktu that killed a toddler. The toddler was thought to have tasted honey in its short life.

The recommendation to treat this disease is, boil the honey until you have the taste and consistency of bitumen. Not a problem as you will not be aiming for returning customers.

While you are setting up the company you have taken too much honey from the bees, and killed them off. This is not a problem because on Allibaba you see they are selling honey in 50 ton loads delivered to your door, half the price you can buy it in the shops. Just fill the jars and sell on.

Welcome to corporate Britain

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the week before Christmas

A week before Christmas
the ward is alive
with patients on trolleys
that may not survive

needing the toilet
but unwilling to leave
as the patients will die
you are told and believe

mouth dry and parched
throat sore with thirst
giving fluids to the patient
that needs it first

rest break is cancelled
still on the feet
smiles and is comforting
to the patient they meet

is there a bed for them
they ask on the phone
the management and pager
won't leave them alone

the shift thankfully is over
they head for the loo
and cry uncontrollably
like the other staff do

just a week before Christmas

A week before Christmas
the MP's are free
to take the backhanders
and loan guarantee

suck up the the media
show they are kind
but giving to needy
last thing on their mind

in new camel coat
cashmere scarf and hat
they head for soup kitchens
that the media is at

they taste the thin gruel
smile so refined
then serve the unfortunate
trying to look kind

when cameras go
they escape to the rear
into the Rolls Royce
hidden quite near

then off to the west end
collecting gifts by the score
watching a show
yet demanding more

a real person of substance
with wit and charm
that defends his electorate
while doing them harm

week before Christmas

It's the week before Christmas
They don't give a f..ck
about the poor veteran
down on his luck

that sits on the corner
brandishing a can
being ignored
by each passing man

He once was like them
he had some pride
before bombing and shelling
destroyed something inside

he once stood in line
was clean on parade
now hides in the gutter
seeking the shade

cold and shivering
one last request
give me a tenner for
the medals on my chest

you can add them
to the collection
an evidence of the broken
ready for inspection